My Stepmom

[jesusforever70]

God bless anyone and everyone who responds to this thread.
I’m an 18-year-old and a senior in high school.
My dad and stepmom just became separated like a week ago. Ever since she moved out things have been a lot harder. The house is so much messier and my dad has gotten a lot more depressed.
They aren’t married and she isn’t really my stepmom. But she’s been living with my dad and us for the past three years so I feel like she is my stepmom and I feel like her children are my stepbrothers and stepsister.
She has borderline personality disorder. Her sin she struggles with is definitely anger. Over the past three years, she has had many outbursts. They almost always happen at night. These outbursts almost always occur behind the closed door of her and my father’s bedroom. She gets upset over very small things that seem like huge things to her.
In the past, she has walked in on my dad talking to my mom on the phone, in which he was trying to make custody arrangements with her. My stepmom would all the sudden get angry that he is talking on the phone with her instead of talking with her. She doesn’t do it every night. But probably around three times a week.
It happens before you realize it. She becomes vituperative and cusses. She sometimes says “GDI”. It’s loud enough to where I can hear it in the living room. According to my dad, she becomes physical. It’s too much for him to bear. He leaves the room. Now, we’re in the middle of it. She comes out and says “Honey, I need to talk to you!” It’s like she’s constantly afraid of being abandoned. Believe me. I know she has BPD. Her psychologist has confirmed it. So, why don’t they break up?
Ninety to ninety-five percent of the time, my dad and stepmom are happy and in love. It’s just that five to ten percent of the time that she becomes enraged . I know she doesn’t mean to. I don’t know if it’s because she has a glass of alcohol for dinner a night or if it’s because her pills wear off. But little things turn into big things for her.
One time she got angry at my twelve-year-old little brother when he was about eleven. My mom’s dog was over at my dad’s for the weekend. My stepmom was feeding the dog. Then my little brother came up to her and said “I think you’re feeding her too much food. We usually don’t give her that much at my mom’s.” She heard the word “mom”. Now, she thinks that my mom is out to get her through Robbie. So she goes into her bedroom. And then the emotions begin to boil. She becomes livid saying to my dad “I know how to feed a dog, thank you very much! I’ve raised several in the past! I don’t need your son telling me what to do!” And poor Robbie hears it and he runs into my bedroom, hides himself under the sheets, and cries his little eyes out.
I don’t know what to do. They could be separated from anywhere between three to six months. I’ve grown so attached to her and my stepbrother and stepsister. She is a very kind and loving person. She is great. I love her. But she lets her emotions control her at night. One time even my dad took her to jail because she got so angry.
Other than my dad, I’m the only one that’s really strong in my faith. I go to teen Mass at my church every week. I go to Life Nights every week. God has blessed me with such an incredible youth program. He has blessed me with like one hundred friends through our youth program and I love them all so much. We’re all God’s creation.
My stepmom has been a recent convert to Catholicism. I’m praying that God will grant her the grace to realize that if she depends on God for everything, she will never be angry like that again. But it’s so hard to have her realize that. I think she understands but doesn’t fully understand what it means to totally surrender her life to God.
So, my question is if any of you know any good books written by strong Catholics such as the saints that would help a person like her. This was the best place for me to ask. I am currently reading Total Surrender by Mother Teresa. It is an incredible book and I thought it might be good for her. Also, I’ve read a few pages of No Greater Love by Mother Teresa, and that one might also be good for her.
But if there are any other books that would be really good for her that are written by inspirational Catholics, that would be fantastic if you could give me names of books or authors. And any advice you might have for me, my dad, my brothers, or my stepmom, that would be so helpful. Truly, God bless you all!

 

[whatevergirl]

I think it’s great that you have compassion and want to help your ‘step mom.’ But, why aren’t they married? I don’t doubt that she might have anger issues related to being bi-polar, but it could also be that she isn’t married to your dad, and just feels very insecure about it. I don’t blame her, frankly, for feeling that way.
I think that your dad and her should separate on moral grounds alone, regardless of what is happening within their relationship. If he isn’t ready to marry her, or doesn’t see her as someone he can see himself marrying, they should not be living together, to be honest. It isn’t fair to her, your dad, or you guys.

I think that providing books to her would be very helpful for her personally, but they really should not be living together. Her anger to me, is a side issue. Yes, she needs to control her emotions, etc…but, your dad and her shouldn’t be living under the same roof to begin with…and perhaps, by living together for so long without marriage, her disorder is becoming increasingly worse, because she is not feeling settled. It’s somewhat understandable. Not excusing her behavior, but she sounds like there is more going on inside of her, than just an anger problem.

I’d talk to your dad about remaining separated, because it’s really the best thing for both of them, from a moral standpoint, and might help them to see if they really are meant for marriage, by taking some time apart. Just my two cents. God bless you for being such a responsible and caring kid to your dad!!!

Question, which you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to…why are your parents divorced?

 

[Galnextdoor]

I’m sorry you have grown attached to the woman your father dated. What concerns me is that I get the feeling that you think that the relationship was okay. It’s not okay for the woman you call stepmom to behave in the manner she has toward you, your brother
and the other people she is around. It is never okay to call people names or cuss at them.

Your father did not have your best interests at heart when he brought “stepmom” in to live with you. He didn’t make a commitment to her, so basically he used her. She may have used him as well. I don’t know the particulars.

The best mother to have is the mother of Jesus. Read about her. I would recommend giving your “stepmom” the book God Help Me! These People are Driving Me Nuts.

In a short period of time, you will be moving out to be on your own. When you start dating seriously, don’t allow the person you date to treat you the way your “stepmom” and father treat each other.
May God Bless You. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[monicatholic]

jesusforever,

whatevergirl and galnextdoor have said the most important and true things to you.

at your teen mass, do they begin each of the readings saying, “This is truth.” ? if so, you’re familiar with that introduction.

i simply ask you to reread WG’s and GND’s posts prayerfully. tell yourself, “This is truth.” then reread the posts many times because, thay are absolutely TRUTH you need to know in your head and in your heart.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Hi, jesusforever. What a sweet girl you are. I am sure your dad has been very worried about you and your brother through all of this. I have an 18-year old daughter, and I’d just like to give you a hug.:hug3:

You are such a caring and sensitive girl, I can see that you want to try to fix this for your dad and his girlfriend. One of the hardest things to do is learn how to let go, and let God take control of people’s lives. It sounds to me like God is really working in both your dad and his gf’s lives right now, since she just converted to Catholicism, and she has moved out of an immoral situation. Do you mean that she went through RCIA last Easter, or is she in RCIA now?

I think that God is righting wrongs that have been done. Trust that He is going to continue to do that. Since your stepmom has let God into her life, God is going to “clean out” all of the dirt and mess that is in her life. Living with your dad outside of marriage was just part of that dirt. The next step is to help your stepmom become more emotionally secure, and help her gain stability. That might take a long time. It’s definitely not something that you can make happen quickly, as within a few months.

Keep praying for both your natural parents and your stepmom. Maybe share with your dad that you care about him and hope that he will go to Mass with you and trust God. You know, Lent is coming up, and what a perfect time for emotional “housecleaning”.

Let your parents work out their problems on their own. They are adults, and they have to be responsible for their lives and decisions. You don’t deserve to be in a situation where you are constantly afraid to make your stepmom angry by looking at her the wrong way, or constantly worried about how she is going to react to something. This has been bad for you, even though you might not realize it right now. God has actually done a great thing for you in this sitaution, though it may not seem that way now. You can trust Him to take care of your family.

 

[Trishie]

I’m sad that you have had so much to face in your life. I ask God to help you to security and happiness, and that when you marry it will be to a very good, loving, and faithful man.

l agree with Angels Unaware about what a lovely person you are, and also with the remainder of Angels Unaware’s post.
I’ll be praying for you and for your family.

God bless you and your family,
Trishie
:grouphug:

 

[Biblioassistant]

Dear girl, you sound wise and kind and compassionate and your parents are very lucky to have you as a daughter. That said, I will tell you that I was married for a time to a man who acted like your stepmom and it was terrible. She must get help, she must or your father and the rest of your family will go through hell.

 

[GracedUpon]

I agree with the other posters about how you father’s relationship with this woman is sinful in the eyes of the Church. That said, however, I can understand how you could be attached to this woman and care a great deal about her and her children.

One thing that stood out to me is that she nearly always has these outbursts at night. Does she have a psychiatrist who prescribes her medications? If she does, then I would encourage her to bring this up with her psychiatrist. The doc may be able to help this problem by changing her medication orders. Perhaps if she is taking an anti-depressant only in the morning, it may be worn off by the time evening comes, and that may be contributing to her anger and aggression. I am not a mental health or medical professional, and this is not to be misconstrued as medical advice, but I would certainly encourage her to bring this up with her psychiatrist, who will be better able to determine how to fix this problem, if she is taking psych meds. Her psychiatrist may determine that the dosage or timing of her meds may need to be changed.

Also, I hope that she is seeing a counselor for her problems. I work in a group home for young women with BPD and they attend private counseling sessions with a licensed therapist, as well as a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills class where they learn coping skills, and some of the ladies have made remarkable progress since joining the program. DBT doesn’t work for everyone, though, but it may be worth a shot if your “stepmom” is willing to try.

I will say a prayer for your and her families. God bless you all.