L
LdyMaria
Guest
I feel odd about posting this. I just really need to talk and receive some positive feedback because I feel so stuck.
It goes like this… In my opinion, I was never the greatest person. I was always extremely liberal, hated church, loved the paranormal and macabre, and pretty anti-Catholic. Yet I always believed in God, and usually prayed. My mom was/is wonderful, but she’s a very radical Catholic, and radical Catholics tend to portray God as a tyrant (and maybe they’re right, I don’t know). In high school I discovered British lit, poetry, drama, masterpiece theatre, beat poetry…and fell in love. I once had a teacher who, when asked about his religious beliefs, said “Shakespeare is my religion.” That’s kind of how it was for me. Jane Eyre was my positive female example, and Byron was my free-thinking idol. I went to a Catholic Univ for nursing, and worked in a wonderful old library with awesome people. During my nursing education I realised that I need God’s help in order to give patients the care that they need. I saw suffering, death, and heard stories of near death experiences from other nurses. All of this really made me question my beliefs. I also have an Uncle who is sick, and he is so afraid of death. I keep thinking “if he’s that scared of death, a good person like him, IMAGINE what it’s going to be like for me, a person who is most likely going downwards after death!” I graduated, passed my boards, and now I’m starting to read about my faith. I have to be honest, the things that I am reading terrify me. I am becoming more sad, confused, and angry then ever before. I was happier in ignorance.
I always thought the ten commandments were rather straightforward. They’re not. They encompass just about everything and anything. It’s hard to distinguish between what is and what is not sin, what’s mortal and what’s venial. Things I never even thought were close to sinful, are actual sins. Like eating for reasons other than survival, telling my grandma that I like her gift when it’s the ugliest thing in all creation. Art, poetry, drama, literature, music, movies are all sins. I read that even non-sexual love poetry is always at least venially sinful. WHAT? I have a book called This is the Faith. It says that suggestive/immodest movies, songs, dances, films, poems, novels are forbidden. Well, that eliminates just about all art that’s not God centered. It eliminates even Shakespeare. Sin is an essential component of most art, without it you do not even have Disney films. And then I discovered the Songs of Solomon…so I’m, yet again, confused.
Women are supposed to SUBMIT to their husbands and be pregnant every 12-18 months, and trust that God will provide. WHAT? That’s just anti-woman.
It’s a sin to read anti-Catholic books. That eliminates most history books.
What about the INDEX? Alexander Dumas? Hugo? Defoe? Books on economics? Biology? WHAT?
It seems to me, that in order to be good, you need to live in the desert, be poor, and simple in mind. The pursuit of education and art is not virtuous in any way, unless it is God-cenetered.
I guess it just comes down to the fact that I love the world. I like buying things, I love my immoral friends, I like idle chat and laughter, I love movies, jokes, cards, music, art, and lit, I’m anti-censorship (for the most part), I like learning about Pagan cultures, I love freethinkers, I like food, etc. I like being happy. My mom says I should throw out Fr. Ripley’s book because it’s making me upset, but that won’t fix it. She needs to know what her own religion teaches. She also says I should focus on the “spirit” of things and the good, not “the letter of the law.” I’m a nurse, my mind doesn’t work that way, things need to be exact when high stakes are involved. As for the good, well, it’s hard to find. I always thought the words of Byron, Shelley, Poe, Alcott, Bronte, Burns were good…
If this chaotic post has offended anyone, it was not my intention and I am truly sorry. I’m so confused, and unhappy. I would really appreciate some positive feedback, advice, and prayers (and I’ll pray for you also). I’ve only ever known one Catholic in my age group, and we are not friends. I’m sort of alone in this quest.
It goes like this… In my opinion, I was never the greatest person. I was always extremely liberal, hated church, loved the paranormal and macabre, and pretty anti-Catholic. Yet I always believed in God, and usually prayed. My mom was/is wonderful, but she’s a very radical Catholic, and radical Catholics tend to portray God as a tyrant (and maybe they’re right, I don’t know). In high school I discovered British lit, poetry, drama, masterpiece theatre, beat poetry…and fell in love. I once had a teacher who, when asked about his religious beliefs, said “Shakespeare is my religion.” That’s kind of how it was for me. Jane Eyre was my positive female example, and Byron was my free-thinking idol. I went to a Catholic Univ for nursing, and worked in a wonderful old library with awesome people. During my nursing education I realised that I need God’s help in order to give patients the care that they need. I saw suffering, death, and heard stories of near death experiences from other nurses. All of this really made me question my beliefs. I also have an Uncle who is sick, and he is so afraid of death. I keep thinking “if he’s that scared of death, a good person like him, IMAGINE what it’s going to be like for me, a person who is most likely going downwards after death!” I graduated, passed my boards, and now I’m starting to read about my faith. I have to be honest, the things that I am reading terrify me. I am becoming more sad, confused, and angry then ever before. I was happier in ignorance.
I always thought the ten commandments were rather straightforward. They’re not. They encompass just about everything and anything. It’s hard to distinguish between what is and what is not sin, what’s mortal and what’s venial. Things I never even thought were close to sinful, are actual sins. Like eating for reasons other than survival, telling my grandma that I like her gift when it’s the ugliest thing in all creation. Art, poetry, drama, literature, music, movies are all sins. I read that even non-sexual love poetry is always at least venially sinful. WHAT? I have a book called This is the Faith. It says that suggestive/immodest movies, songs, dances, films, poems, novels are forbidden. Well, that eliminates just about all art that’s not God centered. It eliminates even Shakespeare. Sin is an essential component of most art, without it you do not even have Disney films. And then I discovered the Songs of Solomon…so I’m, yet again, confused.
Women are supposed to SUBMIT to their husbands and be pregnant every 12-18 months, and trust that God will provide. WHAT? That’s just anti-woman.
It’s a sin to read anti-Catholic books. That eliminates most history books.
What about the INDEX? Alexander Dumas? Hugo? Defoe? Books on economics? Biology? WHAT?
It seems to me, that in order to be good, you need to live in the desert, be poor, and simple in mind. The pursuit of education and art is not virtuous in any way, unless it is God-cenetered.
I guess it just comes down to the fact that I love the world. I like buying things, I love my immoral friends, I like idle chat and laughter, I love movies, jokes, cards, music, art, and lit, I’m anti-censorship (for the most part), I like learning about Pagan cultures, I love freethinkers, I like food, etc. I like being happy. My mom says I should throw out Fr. Ripley’s book because it’s making me upset, but that won’t fix it. She needs to know what her own religion teaches. She also says I should focus on the “spirit” of things and the good, not “the letter of the law.” I’m a nurse, my mind doesn’t work that way, things need to be exact when high stakes are involved. As for the good, well, it’s hard to find. I always thought the words of Byron, Shelley, Poe, Alcott, Bronte, Burns were good…
If this chaotic post has offended anyone, it was not my intention and I am truly sorry. I’m so confused, and unhappy. I would really appreciate some positive feedback, advice, and prayers (and I’ll pray for you also). I’ve only ever known one Catholic in my age group, and we are not friends. I’m sort of alone in this quest.
And of course there are textbooks and best-sellers full of anti-Catholic propaganda; in the former case, academia tends to put down most rival sources of authority, at least where I live. In the latter case, sensationalism sells better than reality, and it always did; something about itching ears.
uch:
. It’s not Catholic teaching that you have to bop her on the head with the full truth; you’re encouraged to be truthful but kind about it, and you don’t have to tell the whole truth of what you’re thinking or feeling. You can say you like it while thinking only of the texture of the fabric or its color or smell or whatever; then you’d honestly be thinking of something about it you like, but you don’t have to tell her everything. It is important not to lie, but it’s not necessary to tell everything.
I know my post was all over the blackboard, please bear with me! I’ve been going through a lot during the past few weeks in addition to my quarter life crisis (haha). Not everything mentioned in my post was from that book. I’ve been reading multiple books. I know that there is going to be difference of opinion in any institution that has been around 2,000 years, but it’s really hard trying to sort things out. On the one hand, you have Catholics that are a lot like Puritans, Catholics who doubt Vatican II and think all non-Catholics are not saved, and then Catholics who just believe “everything in moderation.” Some of the Catechisms differ also. In regard to anti-Catholic books, one says it’s a sin to read one, the other says that it’s not a sin, just a danger. Personally, I’ve always felt that in regard to, well, just about anything, but especially books, the sin is in your heart, not the book…which someone alluded to above. I’ve read Anglo-Protestant books that have actually made me feel closer to God. Anytime you read Brit lit you will most likely come across anti-Catholic bias.