My struggle. Please read

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JustSomeone

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Hello everyone. It’s been a while since I’ve been here.

I would like to share something with you. Hear me out.

When I was in junior high (before high school) I masturbated for the first time. I didn’t even know what I was doing. I was watching some scenes from some comedy movie and I felt “good” down there when naked actresses were shown. After some time I got to know it was masturbation. I kept on doing it because it “felt good” and I didn’t even realize it was really wrong. I started getting interested if it was indeed wrong and some people said it was, some that it wasn’t. All this time I was going to confession and I was avoiding confessing this sin because in my parish every priest knew my parents and I was terrified what would they do if they found out (they always “protected” me from pornography and etoticism in movies, photos, magazines etc.) and I didn’t confess this sin. I was just afraid, it wasn’t that I was doing it on purpose to cheat God or something. I was just afraid and I was just a stupid kid too. I was receiving Holy Communion. And then a friend came along. He offered to help me and we went to another church for a confession. I then confessed that I was masturbating for a few years, not saying that sin in a confession and receiving Holy Communion despite that. I got an absolution and felt very relieved. Since then I’m confessing at the same church up until this day.

During that time I was masturbating daily, it became a habit… which I think turned into addiction later because I just couldn’t stand a few days without it. I just couldn’t. My body couldn’t. That’s better way to put it. In my will I didn’t want to do it. It was like a fierce fight between me and the temptation. Sadly, I always caved, sooner or later.

However, it’s better now. Back then I could start 2 days after a confession. Now I can hold it for even 2-3 weeks, sometimes a month. You may think it’s ridiculous but trust me - if you’ve been through this and you’re addicted to it - you know exactly how hard it is.

The truth is I always cave at some point. And I hate that. I just hate that. But there come days when I just can’t stop myself, no matter what I do. I can “postpone” it with my thoughts, actions but eventually it always comes back. It’s not that I want to do it, God is my witness I regret that with tears in my eyes but sometimes I just can’t stop myself. After some weeks pass there’s this tension in my body that builds up, this excitement, especially after thoughts about women come.

One of my greatest fears is that after I do that and between this time and time when I go to confession I will die and I’ll get casted into hell for commiting that sin. I also have OCD and I’m very paranoid and obsessive about a lot of things, my anxiety is as high as it can be. Sometimes it’s even a pain to think about anything…

I know I’m a huge sinner. Some of you may be disgusted by this but I’m not going to lie about myself. I am who I am and I’m trying my best. I would appreciate some advice or… anything at all. Whatever you feel like saying after reading this. Everything will be appreciated.

I’ve also never said this before, ever but… please, pray for me. I’ll appreciate it.
 
I’ve been there and I’m about 4 months “clean and sober.” I hear you about how hard it is. In regards to dying in between confession and sinning, I think that if you are truly contrite for your sin you won’t be going to Hell, rather this will be taken care of in Purgatory. My priest gave me some great pennance after confession: Spend some time before the blessed sacrement and pray. It has been about a year and as I said I’ve been clean for 4 months. Good luck, God bless, and my prayers are with you.
 
First: I will pray for you. You are struggling with a sin that is prevalent in our culture and hard to overcome.

Second: I truly believe that you can overcome this. I heard a great talk on the Sacrament of Penance by Fr. William Casey. In it, he said an older priest told him once that he has never seen a sin that could not be overcome. In the end, if we keep trying and keep confessing and keep getting up after we fall, we CAN beat even the worst habitual sin. If you are interested in this talk, it is available at Lighthouse Catholic Media for $2.50 as an MP3. (Click Here for product page) I also strongly recommend a couple talks by Jeff Cavins, particularly Shameless: Seeing Yourself as God Sees You and The Pornography Plague and the Path to Christian Purity. Both talks may be very helpful to you as they were to my husband and me.

Third: My husband struggles with a pornography addiction. I know there are people who will say there is no such thing as a pornography addiction and you can only be “addicted” to substances…however, as I am sure you know because I can see it in your post, there is definitely a physiological need to commit this sin and if you don’t, you feel agitated and anxious. May I suggest that, even when you have NOT committed this sin, you go to confession and tell the priest that you are struggling with the strong temptation to masturbate? I remember a time when my husband went to confession twice in one week, not because he had committed any serious sin, but because he felt that this addiction was part of him and was causing him constant temptation. Frequent confession is what has allowed him to go for eight months without viewing pornography once after quitting cold-turkey after more than twenty years of addiction.

Remember, too, that the first step to sin is all in your head. For someone who struggles with gluttony (yo) it might happen when a fast food commercial comes on. Suddenly all I can think of is foodfoodfood and before I know it I have eaten my way through the pantry and realize with a sinking feeling that I have made myself sick by overindulging. For someone who struggles with sins against purity, it might happen when an attractive woman walks by. CUT OFF YOUR SUPPLY to anything that might be causing you lust. If you are triggered by intimate scenes in a movie or TV show, stop watching those shows. And if a thought comes to mind that makes you want to masturbate, drown that thought out with prayer. Ask especially for the help of St. Joseph, who lived chastely with the Blessed Virgin. Pray pray pray.

Is there a priest in your area that appeals to you in any way, because of his compassion or because you enjoy his homilies or advice during confession? Go to him. If you can find a good spiritual director who will meet with you regularly and help monitor your progress, it can be a HUGE help.

I fully believe that you can kick this. Not because I know you at all - maybe you are good at sticking to things, or maybe you are easily distracted; maybe you are on fire with your faith or maybe you are suffering through spiritual dryness. However, no matter what your state of life/spirituality is, I have 100% confidence that if you truly want to overcome this sin, you will be able to do so with the grace of God.

For what it’s worth, I am not remotely disgusted. We all have sins that we wish we could cover up.
 
it is natural to have sexual urges. you are a healthy young man. of course, you can postpone your need and it will come back. it comes back whether you give in or not. again, you are a healthy young man. resisting your desires which have become an addiction is difficult yes. but you have made progress from your daily habit to going as long as a month. that is very good.
it is all about learning self-control. most difficult for most of us! continue to resist. know that the feeling will pass. pray for strength. distract yourself. discuss your issues with a spiritual adviser or priest. they do understand your struggle. we also have a group for people struggling with impurity issues and there are many sites for people who suffer as you do. this may be your cross to bear for now. but you can bear it. i have given my prayer for you and wish you well.
God Bless
 
Don’t give up… Billions of people suffer from this. Even those who you think would not suffer from it. You are not alone. You already did the biggest step… Admit when you have a problem. The rest you will need to take the advice of the previous post and if you wish you can private message me and talk about it. I am a sufferer of this sin as well as so many others are. God Bless!!!
 
I have had a similar struggle. I discovered masturbation before puberty and did it daily for years (I was an atheist at the time). I would say it has destroyed my sexuality. I have never been sexually attracted to another person (although I have had romantic interests) which is extremely disappointing because I had no idea it would have such consequences. It is still tempting, and I still fail pretty frequently. The last couple weeks have been the first in a while that I haven’t needed to make a weekly confession.
JustSomeone said:
One of my greatest fears is that after I do that and between this time and time when I go to confession I will die and I’ll get casted into hell for commiting that sin. I also have OCD and I’m very paranoid and obsessive about a lot of things, my anxiety is as high as it can be. Sometimes it’s even a pain to think about anything…
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There is no need to fear. If you commit a mortal sin, are contrite for it, and intend to go to confession but die before getting the chance, you would not be condemned. (What is important is that you must intend to go to confession; if you get the chance but don’t, then you were hardly firm in your intention.) Just make a habit of confessing as soon as is reasonable when you fail. God knows you are trying.

Furthermore, masturbation is often mitigated by force of habit, affective immaturity, and compulsion, which seem to apply in your case. That does not mean that you should grow complacent or give in more easily. But don’t despair.
 
Thanks for sharing. You’re in my prayers. Additionally, have you heard of the Angelic Warfare Confraternity? It’s a Dominican apostolate that centers around prayer and promoting chastity. I’ve included a link to it. God bless you and keep up the good fight.

SHM

angelicwarfare.org/
 
Warm Greetings, JustSomeone –
Thank you for your sharing. You have humility – in sharing your difficult subject –and that is good. Now you must understand better who you are … and the Power of God merited for you by Jesus. You have asked for prayer … and that’s very important. And I assure you I will pray for you each morning for quite some time. Pray for me, Just Someone, because I sin in little things many times a day.

No one should be disgusted by what you have shared. Certainly Jesus Christ would not be. Rather should I give thanks to God for your honesty and humility. And I do.

Who are you really, JustSomeone? By Baptism you are A SON OF GOD ALMIGHTY! Think about that … seriously … for a moment. You have been Gifted with supernatural Life, a real share in God’s Divine Life. You’re no “piker”! You have the special gifts that necessarily go along with being a son of God, the many graces that equip you to function as a son of God. By realizing these things, who you really are, you are to be uplifted, encouraged, to act, function, as a son of God. The French of the days of French kings had a motto we still hear now and then today > nobless oblige … and it means, in my polished translation, BEing noble inspires you to ACT nobly. You JustSomeone ARE noble, son of a king, and now it’s time to ACT that way.

I do not at all think your situation is ridiculous. It is a bad habit, a sinful habit, that you have nursed until it’s become an addiction. It’s a “monkey on your back.” We’ll let’s get it the hell off of there! Only an alcoholic really knows what alcohol addiction is.

I do thank God you have found a priest and a church where you can unburden yourself and repent and begin anew. How many times begin anew? Seventy times seven, plus. But with God’s graces and your sincere efforts let us hope (and hope is a virtue) you will destroy this devil and be free as God wants you to be free.

JustSomeone, several things you must combine and work at them seriously. There are no magic words or wave of the hand that will destroy this thing that is unpleasing to God and that makes you miserable.
1 – Each day you must pray for deliverance. I will pray with you … and others will pray with you.
2 – You must continue to work with the priest with whom you can be truthful and at ease.
3 – You must not deliberately look at or think about sexy things that excite you. At the first moment you realize you’re being attracted, you must turn your mind away. I suggest you deliberately think about something that means very much to your heart.
4 – You must find one or more physical outlets that will exercise and occupy your mind and imagination. St Thomas Aquinas wrote of a sana mens in sano corpore, a sound mind in a sound body. This physical outlet will be very helpful to put in order and relax your mind.

You mentioned you have OCD. That’s another story. I’d be glad to share with you about that. But at the moment I think we’ve got enough with the above.

Yes, I will pray for you. Please pray for me. John (JohnJFarren)
 
Some good points from previous posters. I’d just like to mention that should the need come, don’t be afraid of confessing to your parish priests. They are permanently bound by their “Seal of Confession.” What this means is Catholic law prevents them from disclosing, even under pain of death, to another person the sins of a confessor. I myself have enjoyed the Seal’s benefits by confessing a rather embarrassing sin to a priest who is friends with my mother.
 
Thank you very much for your answers! I appreciate all of them.
1love said:
Third: My husband struggles with a pornography addiction. I know there are people who will say there is no such thing as a pornography addiction and you can only be “addicted” to substances…however, as I am sure you know because I can see it in your post, there is definitely a physiological need to commit this sin and if you don’t, you feel agitated and anxious. May I suggest that, even when you have NOT committed this sin, you go to confession and tell the priest that you are struggling with the strong temptation to masturbate? I remember a time when my husband went to confession twice in one week, not because he had committed any serious sin, but because he felt that this addiction was part of him and was causing him constant temptation. Frequent confession is what has allowed him to go for eight months without viewing pornography once after quitting cold-turkey after more than twenty years of addiction.
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The truth is you can get addicted to pretty much anything. I think that if one can’t go on a day/two/a week/a month without doing something then one is addicted to it.

I may try that. Telling a priest I struggle with a strong temptation. Thanks.
polytropos said:
I have had a similar struggle. I discovered masturbation before puberty and did it daily for years (I was an atheist at the time). I would say it has destroyed my sexuality. I have never been sexually attracted to another person (although I have had romantic interests) which is extremely disappointing because I had no idea it would have such consequences. It is still tempting, and I still fail pretty frequently. The last couple weeks have been the first in a while that I haven’t needed to make a weekly confession.
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Maybe you just haven’t found the right person yet? I was first truly sexually attracted to a woman a year ago. I’m 23 now. Sure, I would say this or that person was good looking and I would like some women more during all those years but last year it was different. I fell truly in love and, I don’t know, maybe that’s what true love is about. I was ready to die for this woman. And, speaking of which, I was one hundred percent attracted to her, sexually. You just feel that kind of stuff if you’re around certain someone. Sadly, she rejected me for another guy and said she never loved me (even though her behavior during all our friendship was saying otherwise) and after that I just lost my faith in love and I don’t think I’ll ever regain it back. I don’t even want to. But that’s another story 🙂

My point is - don’t lose hope! You will find a partner to whom you will be sexually attracted, I’m sure of it.

Oh gosh, now that I’m reading it, it sounds weird 🙂 You know what I mean though!
polytropos said:
There is no need to fear. If you commit a mortal sin, are contrite for it, and intend to go to confession but die before getting the chance, you would not be condemned. (What is important is that you must intend to go to confession; if you get the chance but don’t, then you were hardly firm in your intention.) Just make a habit of confessing as soon as is reasonable when you fail. God knows you are trying.

Furthermore, masturbation is often mitigated by force of habit, affective immaturity, and compulsion, which seem to apply in your case. That does not mean that you should grow complacent or give in more easily. But don’t despair.
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I know all of this but I have OCD and a lot of irrational fears rule my mind even if I don’t want them to. It’s not despair, rather just wondering and giving unto scary thoughts.
JohnJFarren said:
Warm Greetings, JustSomeone –
Thank you for your sharing.

(…)

Yes, I will pray for you. Please pray for me. John (JohnJFarren)
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I had to shorten your quote because the post was too long. All of this seems so far away… that I’m so noble, son of God and so on. I know this but… when I look at my sins, how often and how fast I fail God I just… I don’t know anymore…

Some of you mention not to watch anything that induces temptation - that’s not the problem actually. Even if I watch some scenes in a tv show or a movie or (even accidentally) it’s not enough to make me masturbate. At least not at the beginning. After some time thoughts come that maybe I could watch some nude scenes from some movies, like, not rough, not “very nude”, just moderate (like topless or something) and then it starts. If I cave then then it’s all downhill and it’s almost impossible to stop then. And then, after watching, I have temptations to masturbate. I try to resist all of it but I always, at some point, cave.

Also, I don’t know if it makes any difference or not but I never watch porn, really. Mostly erotic stuff. Porn disgusts me because I think sexual intercourse is something only two people should share and no one should watch them. It’s very private. But I think a woman’s body is the most beautiful thing ever and that’s why I’m so much into erotica. In there all of this is emphasized, women’s bodies and what’s beautiful about them. I know it’s very wrong but I’m just saying the truth and the truth is the most important.

I’m in a very dark place now. That’s the problem. Half a year ago a woman whom I loved the most in my life told me she never loved me and my world shattered, my OCD, anxiety, panic attacks are getting stronger and stronger, I keep failing God on a daily basis in different areas, I also struggle with scrupulosity and intrusive thoughts and all of this combined makes my life a living hell. I don’t even remember the last time I had a peace of mind. Half a year ago maybe? I know that’s a lot to take in. Maybe I should have created a thread about this as well.

Thank you for your prayers. I will pray for all of you as well! 🙂
 
JustSomeone said:
Maybe you just haven’t found the right person yet? I was first truly sexually attracted to a woman a year ago. I’m 23 now. Sure, I would say this or that person was good looking and I would like some women more during all those years but last year it was different. I fell truly in love and, I don’t know, maybe that’s what true love is about. I was ready to die for this woman. And, speaking of which, I was one hundred percent attracted to her, sexually. You just feel that kind of stuff if you’re around certain someone. Sadly, she rejected me for another guy and said she never loved me (even though her behavior during all our friendship was saying otherwise) and after that I just lost my faith in love and I don’t think I’ll ever regain it back. I don’t even want to. But that’s another story 🙂

My point is - don’t lose hope! You will find a partner to whom you will be sexually attracted, I’m sure of it.

Oh gosh, now that I’m reading it, it sounds weird 🙂 You know what I mean though!
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Thanks. 🙂 I am certain I have not met the right person, although I’m still hopeful, even if I don’t ever find myself sexually attracted to someone. There are Catholics with same-sex attraction who have fruitful marriages, and I imagine I could too. I am also open to a vocation but I have years to figure it all out.
JustSomeone said:
I know all of this but I have OCD and a lot of irrational fears rule my mind even if I don’t want them to. It’s not despair, rather just wondering and giving unto scary thoughts.
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I will keep praying!
 
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