A
Anim8
Guest
Although I’m a cradle Catholic, I only really began to have a faith about four years ago. Since then a lot has happened. I struggled with many sins, masturbation being one of them. In about two years I broke it as an addiction. In the past two years, I can only recall falling to this sin once.
I’ve made a lot of progress, but recently satan has been trying something new. You see, I’ve come to the point now, where (most) whenever I’m tempted I have the ability to walk away freely, and the desire. I can walk away without a major struggle. The new thing satan is trying, the new lie…is that in the depths of my heart I don’t really want to be holy, I want to enjoy sin.
The hook of this is, its partially true. I want to enjoy the pleasures of this life, I will not deny that I do. God created these pleasures for us, but at this point in my life it can seem more a curse then a blessing. The partial truth is what satan says, but the whole truth is ‘I want to enjoy the pleasures of this life, but not at the expense of a life with Christ’
The catch on the ‘not wanting to be holy’ side is twofold. First I get an image of a super pious person who spends all day in prayer and meditation…not quite my cup of tea. I don’t want to be sitting in a cave worshiping all day, I don’t think that’s what I was created to do. Now I know the lie of this is that there is more then one way to be holy, there is more then one way to follow Christ. But the attack does stick at times.
The other side of the ‘not wanting to be holy’ lie, is that in order to live life for Christ I must deny myself some of the pleasures it has to offer. This part, is true. And it probably is the most effective half-truth satan uses at this point in time. As I said before I feel that sexuality was created and has a beauty of its own. But I am to be denied it all for now. And I catch myself wondering ‘is this what I really want?’. And that is when I come dangerously close to falling into sin again.
I know this is all a ruse. I can see right through it all. But the catch is that satan does not just lie, if that were so it would be much easier to reject him. But he fills our minds with half-truths. And while we immediately reject the lies, those truths stop us dead in our tracks and make us wonder, if only for a moment, whether we are wrong.
I just read a book entitled ‘Wild at Heart’ by John Eldridge. It is a great book about man recognizing his masculinity for what it is; a gift of God. All my life, since I was maybe ten years old, I have felt a potential within me to do something, and a desire for more then the ordinary. I would die if I were forced to live a life that is dull and meaningless. When I became a teenager I felt a desire to fight. Not the typical passing guy grunting two fisted desire to scrimmage, but I mean a deep desire to the core of my being to fight. For awhile I thought this was a calling to the military, but I know now its not the military, not that kind of fighting I am called to. But to fight against the powers of hell.
But I feel I am given no avenue to fight. How can I fight what I cannot see or hear or touch? When I struggle with sin I feel the only one I’m struggling with is myself. And its true. I struggle with my own desire to sin, not with hell. I feel as though the only things I can do where hell is concerned is fall, or run. Why must I run from a defeated enemy if my ally is the Lord? Why can I not confront the demons that would have my head?
Ah yes, your next thought may be prayer. But words do not satisfy this burn I feel inside. It is like a man who is angered to his very soul…and you ask him to sit and talk. Talk…how can I talk? Prayer is not me fighting the enemy, it is me asking God to make them go away.
I feel now two passions most distressing. First the call to sin, the half-truths that nag at me. And then the feeling that I cannot fulfill my purpose. We all have purposes, callings, vocations. I feel, and fear, that I cannot find a way to fulfill mine. I know I should trust God, and I do, I have. But even in trust there is room for despair.
I guess I’ve dragged on a little more then I meant to. I really don’t know what I’m looking for by posting here. Most of my posts asking for help never get posted. Mainly because I know that I won’t find what I’m looking for, not here. I just wish I knew what the hell I am looking for.
I’ve made a lot of progress, but recently satan has been trying something new. You see, I’ve come to the point now, where (most) whenever I’m tempted I have the ability to walk away freely, and the desire. I can walk away without a major struggle. The new thing satan is trying, the new lie…is that in the depths of my heart I don’t really want to be holy, I want to enjoy sin.
The hook of this is, its partially true. I want to enjoy the pleasures of this life, I will not deny that I do. God created these pleasures for us, but at this point in my life it can seem more a curse then a blessing. The partial truth is what satan says, but the whole truth is ‘I want to enjoy the pleasures of this life, but not at the expense of a life with Christ’
The catch on the ‘not wanting to be holy’ side is twofold. First I get an image of a super pious person who spends all day in prayer and meditation…not quite my cup of tea. I don’t want to be sitting in a cave worshiping all day, I don’t think that’s what I was created to do. Now I know the lie of this is that there is more then one way to be holy, there is more then one way to follow Christ. But the attack does stick at times.
The other side of the ‘not wanting to be holy’ lie, is that in order to live life for Christ I must deny myself some of the pleasures it has to offer. This part, is true. And it probably is the most effective half-truth satan uses at this point in time. As I said before I feel that sexuality was created and has a beauty of its own. But I am to be denied it all for now. And I catch myself wondering ‘is this what I really want?’. And that is when I come dangerously close to falling into sin again.
I know this is all a ruse. I can see right through it all. But the catch is that satan does not just lie, if that were so it would be much easier to reject him. But he fills our minds with half-truths. And while we immediately reject the lies, those truths stop us dead in our tracks and make us wonder, if only for a moment, whether we are wrong.
I just read a book entitled ‘Wild at Heart’ by John Eldridge. It is a great book about man recognizing his masculinity for what it is; a gift of God. All my life, since I was maybe ten years old, I have felt a potential within me to do something, and a desire for more then the ordinary. I would die if I were forced to live a life that is dull and meaningless. When I became a teenager I felt a desire to fight. Not the typical passing guy grunting two fisted desire to scrimmage, but I mean a deep desire to the core of my being to fight. For awhile I thought this was a calling to the military, but I know now its not the military, not that kind of fighting I am called to. But to fight against the powers of hell.
But I feel I am given no avenue to fight. How can I fight what I cannot see or hear or touch? When I struggle with sin I feel the only one I’m struggling with is myself. And its true. I struggle with my own desire to sin, not with hell. I feel as though the only things I can do where hell is concerned is fall, or run. Why must I run from a defeated enemy if my ally is the Lord? Why can I not confront the demons that would have my head?
Ah yes, your next thought may be prayer. But words do not satisfy this burn I feel inside. It is like a man who is angered to his very soul…and you ask him to sit and talk. Talk…how can I talk? Prayer is not me fighting the enemy, it is me asking God to make them go away.
I feel now two passions most distressing. First the call to sin, the half-truths that nag at me. And then the feeling that I cannot fulfill my purpose. We all have purposes, callings, vocations. I feel, and fear, that I cannot find a way to fulfill mine. I know I should trust God, and I do, I have. But even in trust there is room for despair.
I guess I’ve dragged on a little more then I meant to. I really don’t know what I’m looking for by posting here. Most of my posts asking for help never get posted. Mainly because I know that I won’t find what I’m looking for, not here. I just wish I knew what the hell I am looking for.
)
