My teen doesn't want to get confirmed

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Ann_Pers

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She claims to not believe or agree with the church and says many aspects of the faith disgust her. She is 16 and this is when our parish does confirmation. I have been ignoring these comments of hers and still make her go to her confirmation meetings/classes. I’m at loss of what to do! Help?
 
Instead of ignoring, I suggest you discuss the faith with her. Have discussions of faith not been a part of your family life up to this point? Seems like she would have discussed her faith and doubts before now.
 
The way I look at it, the confirmation candidate needs to make that commitment and confirm her faith of her own free will. Don’t make her go. I agree with the advice to discuss it with her. Start out by saying you decided not to make her go, but you just want to understand. Keep in mind the RCIA can cover confirmation as well and all is not lost forever. Keep praying.

It’s interesting that she uses the word disgust. I would not want to ignore that. But certainly, don’t force her.
 
Ann_Pers said:
She claims to not believe or agree with the church and says many aspects of the faith disgust her. She is 16 and this is when our parish does confirmation. I have been ignoring these comments of hers and still make her go to her confirmation meetings/classes. I’m at loss of what to do! Help?
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Try to find out specifics…what, specifically, is the problem(s)?
 
Most parishes will interview before confirmation to confirm the person is participating in this Sacrament freely, totally, faithfully, and open to the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

I agree, that you can enrol her into the RCIA classes, but be mindful that you cannot make her accept the gift. Kinda like the proverb, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make 'em drink”.

I would be working with the RCIA teacher, and Director to address her objections and promote the beauty of the gift.
 
IMHO- When I had my children baptized, I promised to raise them in the faith and teach it to them.

To me, that meant completing their religious education including confirmation classes. I insisted that they complete all the requirements to be confirmed. But, I left it up to them to choose whether to go ahead and be confirmed in the faith- that was their choice, not mine.

IMHO-- you make her go through the classes, but allow her to choose whether to be confirmed. Many children rebel, or question the faith but end up coming back to it.
 
Ann_Pers said:
She claims to not believe or agree with the church and says many aspects of the faith disgust her. She is 16 and this is when our parish does confirmation. I have been ignoring these comments of hers and still make her go to her confirmation meetings/classes. I’m at loss of what to do! Help?
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This must be very painful and hard on you, I am saddened that you have had to endure this. I myself, would want to know where these feelings of “disgust” come from. Is it doctrine? Is it a friend with a beef against the church? Has she had a confrontation with someone you should know about or be able to help her with? Is she perhaps using this to lash out against authority or is it a cry for help? It might even be something simple, but like clearwater said, I would want to know.

I would also pray about this and talk with your Priest.
 
Ann_Pers said:
She…says many aspects of the faith disgust her.
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This is coming from somewhere. I’d try to find out the source. Sixteen is a rebellious time. I would tell her God loves you whether you know it or not, and He will be waiting for you when you change your mind. Make sure you live out your faith fully. Keep praying for her. She might be like me and come around 10 or 12 years later.
 
Ann_Pers said:
She claims to not believe or agree with the church and says many aspects of the faith disgust her. She is 16 and this is when our parish does confirmation. I have been ignoring these comments of hers and still make her go to her confirmation meetings/classes. I’m at loss of what to do! Help?
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The Church will not confirm someone that does not agree with it. Your teenager is of age and you must respect her decision. She may change later in life. Leave it in God’s hands. Good Luck.
 
mikecash said:
This is coming from somewhere. I’d try to find out the source. Sixteen is a rebellious time. I would tell her God loves you whether you know it or not, and He will be waiting for you when you change your mind. Make sure you live out your faith fully. Keep praying for her. She might be like me and come around 10 or 12 years later.
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This is what I meant when I mentioned RCIA. I didn’t mean to suggest that you enroll her, but rather that you keep in mind she will have the opportunity when she is open. Even if it takes 10, 12, or more years. Just love her and pray for her. And let her know you are open to discuss her concerns, even if it is hard for you.
 
Yes, I agree, you should talk with her but in the end it is her decision and you will, alas, gain nothing from forcing her. And as many did write, The Church will not confirm her against her own will. Why she feel this way is most likely up to being a teenager and she will hopefully change her mind after a few years. Meanwhile you can pray for her, there is not much more to do. And it is worthwhile to remember that if you want respect you need to give respect. If people would understand that this world would be a better place to live. And finally, not all will be Christians or Catholics. (Like there would be a difference in that. All Catholics are Christians, something that is too often a thing we forget.) But in His everlasting love God will judge those who are not in His flock not by what they believe or to which Church they belong to but by their life and deeds. God loves us so much that He give all a final chance to make it to heaven. So, give her time and do not force her to anything because that will make it even harder. When we talk about faith it is ultimately everyone’s own will and that is a thing we all must remember even if it is hard sometimes. May God bless you and your family.
 
The idea of an insincere, going-through-the-motions confirmation (or any religious ceremony for that matter) is pretty depressing. If you force her into it she might associate the Catholic Church with negative experiences. I would let her decide in her own time and find out, as the others have suggested, what exactly bothers her about Catholicism.
 
Ann_Pers said:
She claims to not believe or agree with the church and says many aspects of the faith disgust her. She is 16 and this is when our parish does confirmation. I have been ignoring these comments of hers and still make her go to her confirmation meetings/classes. I’m at loss of what to do! Help?
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If “many aspects of the faith disgust her” then I doubt she actually understands the underlining aspects of the faith.

Have a civil discussion with her, without emotion. Ask her to not get emotional and you don’t get emotional. Then, ask her to list out her disagreements (she may write them down). Next, take her list and give each item lots of thought (you can even share them here or with a priest) and provide detailed reasons for the teachings and how they are backed by the Bible and/or the Catechism.

In my experience (all of my siblings and my Dad have left the Church), falling away from the Catholic Church is usually because the person doesn’t understand the “whys.”

Please let us know how things turn out.

Good luck and God Bless
 
Not much you can do, I have a 17 y.o step daughter, might as well speak some bizarre
Language for all the good it does… Just need to wait for them to grow up at there own pace "
Just keep open the lines of communication …and tell her just to keep an open mind on the matter… Keep an open mind to the possibility of the existence of God…
 
Ann_Pers said:
She claims to not believe or agree with the church and says many aspects of the faith disgust her. She is 16 and this is when our parish does confirmation. I have been ignoring these comments of hers and still make her go to her confirmation meetings/classes. I’m at loss of what to do! Help?
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Well the old saying applies here…“You can lead a horse to water…”

You’ve already received many great replies and I can only add my support to what others have said.
First of all I would commend your daughter for her honesty and her honor. Her desire to not to be concerned shows that she believes the practice to actually mean something and since she is not ready to commit, she does not want to “go through the motions”. I say good for her.

Of course you can and should have her complete the classes, continue to talk with her, try to help her understand things better…and you can pray to our Lord to soften her heart… but you must not try to coerce her in any way to be confirmed.

It sounds as though she has learned a lot of “rules” and “positions” and “practices” but doesn’t yet understand the core reasoning behind them. This would explain why she is “disgusted” by some things. This is actually not an uncommon place to be - especialy for a 16 year old. As children we are taught “rules” first (look both ways, hold hands, don’t touch the stove) and only later do we come to understand the whys of the rules.

So - keep talking but do not pressure. Use the time to help the two of you grow in understanding the faith.

Peace
James
 
Just to clarify… Confirmation is not “confirming your faith”. It’s the completion of baptismal grace and strengthening of the Holy Spirit.

I often wonder how many kids get this explanation. Just wondering…
 
Ann_Pers said:
She claims to not believe or agree with the church and says many aspects of the faith disgust her. She is 16 and this is when our parish does confirmation. I have been ignoring these comments of hers and still make her go to her confirmation meetings/classes. I’m at loss of what to do! Help?
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I believe that it is your right and duty as a mother to teach her about or faith. However, remember that it is illegal for you to coerce her into receiving the sacraments. My suggestion is to act as a true Christian by letting her know that, independently of her choices God and her parents love her, you should also remind her that has long as she lives with you she has a moral obligation to share her thoughts with you because it is your duty to help her and thus you need to know what goes though her mind. Just make sure that you keep her trust by respecting boundaries.
 
1ke said:
Instead of ignoring, I suggest you discuss the faith with her. Have discussions of faith not been a part of your family life up to this point? Seems like she would have discussed her faith and doubts before now.
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You expressed exactly what I was thinking, and more clearly and succinctly than I would have, to boot.
 
Cristiano said:
… you should also remind her that has long as she lives with you she has a moral obligation to share her thoughts with you because it is your duty to help her and thus you need to know what goes though her mind.
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Moral obligation to share her thoughts? I’ve never heard that.
 
There were only 2 times in my life when I ever told my mother that I was not going to do something. The first was in nursery school (now they call it pre-K). I told her and my father that I was never going back. At 4 years old, I was unbudging and absolutely NOT going to go. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday because my parents actually listened to me. They did not make me go back. I am a college graduate, so it was not a forever decision.
The other time was when it came time to enroll in confirmation classes. I told my mother I was not going to do it. We had many conversations about why I was so adamant, and in the end she did not force me. I told her much the same type of thing your daughter is telling you, and I told her I would be a hypocrite to do that which I believed to be wrong for me to do. I had then, and still have, a great respect for the Church and Her teachings, but I could not reconcile my feelings and the reality of my life with the Church. My mother respected that and did not force me to go. I love and respect her immensely for that. I did eventually return to the Sacraments, and I was confirmed several years ago. It was many years of prayers on her part that brought me back. But it was also her understanding at the beginning of the process that allowed me the space and ability to make the choice to come back.
 
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