My teen tells me she is gay, I am greiving

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Cindy_J_Diehl

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My daughter 15 year old daughter tells me she is gay. She has been in band and her first year of high school her section leader is out right gay with piercings, tattoos, ECT. I’m astounded and feel lost. We will begin the process of sending her to a Catholic school in January and will move once my husband retires.
Once again, I’m lost, feeling heartbroken. I just want to fix this now!
 
What do you mean, “fix this”? If your daughter is gay, there’s nothing wrong with it at all - talk to her, thank her for feeling comfortable enough to tell you, listen to her about how she feels. I’m not Catholic, but I know that the Church doesn’t teach that there is anything wrong with being gay either - according to the CC, being attracted to someone of the same sex is fine, but the person shouldn’t act on it.

Can I ask whether you know for definite that her section leader is gay, or whether she just has piercings, tattoos (nothing wrong with them either)? Are you worried that they might influence your daughter, or that they have done already?

Try not to catastrophise. It’s a lot to take in, so take your time. And keep talking to your daughter.
 
Cindy,
If you do not love your daughter, your behaviour is certain to push her into the arms of her section leader and away from the Catholic Church. Life really throws us curve balls at times that really throw us off and tempt us into despair, but do not be afraid. Be at peace. God is with you and your daughter! So, this calls for discernment and prudent; Prudence, in my opinion, calls for you to embrace this cross and agape love your daughter as Christ loves us agape. Even if she is gay, that isn’t the end of the world. She may very well decide to take up the vocation of the family in imitation of the Divine Trinity’s role in Creation, as a mother.
What is your daughter’s intention in spite of her claiming to be gay. I think maybe that would help us to give more prudent and uplifting advice to help reassure you. Be at peace and do not be afraid, for the Lord Our God is might and strong, and the prayers of the Rosary are effective to deal with this kind of spiritual warfare. Perhaps the section leader could even be persuaded to become catholic herself by God’s grace and both of your co-operation…

The Holy Spirit is with you. Remember. Do not be afraid and be at peace. Peace is the best resolve here and being at peace with your daughter. She has a free will, you need to respect that as God respects you when you go a different way contrary to his will for you. Now is the time to love and seek peace and be Christ to your daughter regardless of what she decides to choose to do in spite of her claim she is gay. Perhaps she may decide she is bisexual and take up the cross by nailing that passion of hers and putting it to death. Or maybe she may decided to have second thoughts. You know, do not fear 🙂
Now is the time to witness the gospel and preach it, use words if necessary 🙂
 
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You clearly do not know what your talking about, do not reply to me again!
 
Lou2U said:
according to the CC, being attracted to someone of the same sex is fine, but the person shouldn’t act on it.
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Well not exactly what the Church teaches.

Same sex attraction is disordered. . It is a real burden and trial for those who suffer from it. But it is not “just fine”.
 
Get some counseling from your pastor, from a diocesan ministry to persons with SSA, from Courage or enCourage (enCourage is the ministry for family members).

At this age, it certainly could be a PHASE. Right now it is “cool” to be “gay”. One of my employees’ daughters announced she was a lesbian a while back. She’s not a lesbian anymore.

Confusion about sexuality, identity, and just peer relations at this age are difficult but normal. While not overreacting, I do think you need to talk about it. Why does she think she’s “gay”. What does that mean in her mind. ETC.

Reach out to someone online like Dr Greg Popcak or Dr Ray Guarendi for parenting advice to help you through this. What I wouldn’t do is take the “it’s fine” approach.

And if her SSA is real, not just a phase or some other acting out, then yes do seek counsel and help from Courage and enCourage for both your child and yourself.
 
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Yes, that is much more accurate. I was using “fine” in case the OP thought just having the attractions was a sin, which of course they are not.
 
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This is becoming more and more common. Nowadays it’s encouraged to experiment and change your orientation like your clothes. She could be legitimately attracted to the same sex or this is some kind of phase. I would try to diplomatically and tactfully approach her and find out when this started. Has she always felt this way? Or is this a recent revelation? Let’s just assume she’s SSA. There’s nothing that can change that. The Church makes it clear that anyone outside of heterosexual marriage must be chaste. Support, dialogue, prayers, and a good Catholic example is all you can really do. It’s going to be a lifelong cross that she’ll have to carry.
 
Praying for you and your family. This must be very confusing and scary for you. Please take some time to absorb it and speak with a priest and then sit down and listen to what your daughter has to say. I understand wanting to fix it, but either it’s a phase, in which case it will pass, or she is gay, in which case nothing is going to “fix” it. I’d hate for you to completely uproot your daughter by moving and switching schools (if her coming out is the reason) when in the end that won’t solve the issue. Your daughter might be scared about your reaction, so please shower her with love and let her know that even though this is hard for you and you believe what the Church teaches, you still love her and won’t do anything crazy like kick her out or strike her from the family tree.
 
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If you’re expecting catholic school to make her straight…boy do I have some news for you…

Anyway, there are certain things I’m thinking about right now.

How did you react? That’s the most important thing. That could make or break your relationship with her. That could be what makes her leave the church for good.

How does she feel about moving to Catholic school, how did you explain this decision?

Plus, in the case of her being in an environment where she might be bullied for her sexuality, how would you support her?

Does she have a good support system, or are you ripping everything away from her?

At 15, she’s psychologically at a vulnerable stage, throw in this and you might have a recipe for disaster. How you go about this is very important.

And remember, she’s still your daughter. Straight or not, she’s your kid, so don’t treat her differently (ie the way you talk to her). Don’t let it drastically change your relationship with her.
 
1ke said:
Courage or enCourage (enCourage is the ministry for family members).
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https://couragerc.org/encourage/

This.

Also, watch “Desire of the Everlasting Hills” and “The Third Way” (both are available for free online). If your parish has FORMED, there are many resources there like “Called to Courageous Love”.

Love her. Love her. This is a heavy burden but she can find great strength in the Sacraments and be a wonderful witness!!
 
At 15 she may not really know. I think still at her age, she may have SSA, but not neccessarily. She may love and admire her friends. My oldest is only slightly older than your dd, and she finds most of the boys in her school ‘unacceptable’ right now. They’re gross, immature…

People with SSA sometimes speak of the fluidity of their feelings/attractions.

But, I would highly caution you to not over react. Don’t even think the Catholic School will fix this, but only consider moving her there if it’s a better environment and she wants to go.
Love her, keep communication open. Go pray for her before the Blessed Sacrament. Have Masses said for her, I suggest supporting the Seraphic Mass Association. You can order a Mass right from the convenience of your pc, or visit your Parish Office.

This isn’t to make her ‘straight’, but for her very best good, God’s Perfect Will for her.

I recommend Joseph Sciambra’s blog, http://josephsciambra.com/ God Bless you, you’ll be in my prayers.
 
We have and he gave us the advice wee needed. Nonetheless, I’m still quite
traumatized, I have a beautiful daughter, she never showed any signs of
being gay, not until the end 9th grade after being bombarded with three
gays in the Band. I’m mad and angry at how society has broken down for
being gay, transgender, etc to be accepted.
 
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She’s 15…she probably isn’t gay at all, just feeling a particularly strong affinity for a particular individual of the same sex. I mean, 15 year old’s can’t vote or drive because they aren’t deemed mature enough, why are they taken seriously when they “come out”. My advice is to not do anything drastic and to basically just try to talk with her about her feelings and desires and why she believes she is gay.

Lots of teens develop strong feelings for admired friends of the same sex and then grow out of it. Unfortunately, there is pressure on them now to “identify” as gay and solidify a feeling that may be gone in a few months or years.

I remember a guy who used to be in college with me who was very overtly gay. He basically would go around asking people if they were interested in going out and “having some fun”. If you told him you weren’t gay, he’d say “well you haven’t tried it so you never know”. Basically, he could have been a recruiting officer for the Gay community.
 
Basically I think she has a lot of these types in her band,. School is
nothing like it was when I was in school 30 years ago. I had no idea!!!
 
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True. I think you should let her know that you love her no matter what. But also explain that it’s she is not necessarily going to feel this way for ever and sometimes, when you’re younger, these feelings come and then pass away. Also maybe say to her that it might not be the best idea to put herself into a box at such a young age. Or to identify her whole person and gain her identity from her sexuality. I can understand why it’s so appealing for young people to identify with a group or cause, but really it can be very damaging to a person to put so much importance on one aspect of their humanity and basically identify their whole being in a very narrow manner.
 
Please, please, please do not send her the message that she needs to change in order to be loved and accepted in your household. PLEASE do not send that message. It will crush her.

I was a boy who discovered that I was same-sex attracted when I was 11. By the time I was 15, it was pretty firmly entrenched. Posters are right that sexuality may be fluid, but please believe what your daughter tells you – she is the expert on what she is FEELING. Listen to her feelings, without saying anything in response. Bite your tongue, if you have to. She needs to be listened to without being judged. She needs your love and concern.

Protect her. Her attractions could lead her to make stupid decisions, and she needs to be protected from that. But that protection will just seem like judgment and rejection if you aren’t also listening to her and loving her. She NEEDS you, desperately. She needs to know that you love her no matter what.

She has her entire life to learn about the faith, and to combat sin. If she falls into sin now, that is not the end of the world. But if she loses your love, that is the end of her world. She needs your love and acceptance and PATIENCE right now. Be patient with her. Learn from her about her experience. She’s a unique and wonderful child, and this revelation doesn’t change that. Love her.

This posts comes deep from my heart, and it comes out of a lot of pain.
 
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