My teenage daugher

  • Thread starter Thread starter Matthew_Seemone
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

Matthew_Seemone

Guest
I’ll take a deep breath of air and I’ll type away being this is my 2nd post.

I have a 16 year daughter and a 21 year old daughter. My 16 year old neglects hygiene and showers. She does not brush her teeth and she’s had the same middle size tube of toothpaste for over 2 years. She also does not use deodorant because she claims she forgets to.

She only showers once a week, but sometimes she has gone up to 15 days without a shower. She smells bad especially when the weather is warm or hot like in the summer time.

I talk to her continously about keeping clean and tell her to take a shower, same goes for the brushing of the teeth and using deodorant/ Even her dentist is pretty fed up by now.

Please share with me how often does your teenage daughter 16’ish shower. Is it my kid or do are other girls like her. I know her friends are nothing like that. They look and smell clean.

My wife died in January of 2001 from cancer. My kid was always like that with hygiene but I figured when she got older she would change her ways. Her older sister who is 21 now, was never like that. She showered every day and brushed her teeth at least 4 times a day.

I’ll be posting more but right now it seems like I just wanted some ideas, answers and support from parents or even single parents.

Thank you much,
Matthew
 
If your wife died in 2001, with a 2-3 year cancer battle it means that the 16yo has basically lived since since she was 3 or 4 without much maternal guidance. For a young female this can be devistating. Your other daughter, 4 years older, did recieve enough to teach her how to live.

Do you have a sister or sister-in-law that your daughter can go to. SIL should be the patient type and able to slowy show your daughter how to behave appropriatly when it comes to hygene.

Also, has your daugther been to any therepy? Lack of clenliness can happen in young girls who’ve suffered bodily trauma.
 
When I was 16 (not all that long ago–I’m 22), I only showered once a week, before church on Sundays. I was a swimmer. We were in the pool twice a day, and I had my own chlorine smell that just never went away. My long, thick hair was perpetually tangled and ratty, too (except in church). Drove my mom crazy. 🙂 Oftentimes, I just didn’t have time to deal with it, or felt like homework or getting to work/school/whatever else on time was more important. I don’t know what your daughter’s schedule is like, but lots of high-schoolers are pretty busy and overwhelmed these days. Depending on their social group, there may be little pressure to bother about ‘clean’ or appropriate they look from day-to-day. I changed when the social expectations (aside from my parents) changed–when I got more interested in dating!

If she’s also withdrawn/isolated/acting out/etc, this may be completely off base. Just an idea.
 
I’ve seen many kids that honestly don’t remember to clean themselves. Have you talked with your daughter’s school about putting her in a personal care class? Some kids have a harder time learning self care techniques because they really don’t have a problem with being dirty and it has nothing to do with being “slow”. If this is still happening at at 16, I don’t think it’s going to magically fix itself with a talk from another woman in the family.
 
I would take your daughter to a psychologist for a check up. Teenage girls normally care very much about their appearance and presentation, that your daughter is not even bothering to shower and brush her teeth is unusual to say the least.
 
flyingfish said:
I would take your daughter to a psychologist for a check up. Teenage girls normally care very much about their appearance and presentation, that your daughter is not even bothering to shower and brush her teeth is unusual to say the least.
Click to expand...
This is what I was going to say, there may be something mentally, she could be in a severe depression or have some other disorder. If I were you I would take her to a psychologist!
 
purplesunshine said:
If your wife died in 2001, with a 2-3 year cancer battle it means that the 16yo has basically lived since since she was 3 or 4 without much maternal guidance. For a young female this can be devistating. Your other daughter, 4 years older, did recieve enough to teach her how to live.

Do you have a sister or sister-in-law that your daughter can go to. SIL should be the patient type and able to slowy show your daughter how to behave appropriatly when it comes to hygene.

Also, has your daugther been to any therepy? Lack of clenliness can happen in young girls who’ve suffered bodily trauma.
Click to expand...
My 16 year old tells me that she is just too lazy to take showers and brush her teeth and even using the deodorant. Her excuse is that she forgets.

She’s been in therapy for her mothers illness when she was young and continued to do so after, she, my wife died, for many years.
 
Moscati said:
When I was 16 (not all that long ago–I’m 22), I only showered once a week, before church on Sundays. I was a swimmer. We were in the pool twice a day, and I had my own chlorine smell that just never went away. My long, thick hair was perpetually tangled and ratty, too (except in church). Drove my mom crazy. 🙂 Oftentimes, I just didn’t have time to deal with it, or felt like homework or getting to work/school/whatever else on time was more important. I don’t know what your daughter’s schedule is like, but lots of high-schoolers are pretty busy and overwhelmed these days. Depending on their social group, there may be little pressure to bother about ‘clean’ or appropriate they look from day-to-day. I changed when the social expectations (aside from my parents) changed–when I got more interested in dating!

If she’s also withdrawn/isolated/acting out/etc, this may be completely off base. Just an idea.
Click to expand...
That’s when she showers as well. For Church or just once a week because we don’t always go to Church. And she too didn’t take care of her hair at all, nor does she wash her face. She complains that soap will get in her eyes.

She’s not into apperance at all. As far as her school schedule, she has none. She goes to school and comes home after that. She has no interest in any after school activities.

And she is not interested in boyfriends. She has quite a few male friends, but to her boyfriends are what she calls “yucky” and has no intentions of dating. She’s more of a tomboy. There is nothing girly about her although her female friends are very girlish.

And yes, she is withdrawn and isolated and she does act out. She has Aspergers and also ODD as well as ADD. She has been like this since she was little.

Doctors and therapists have classified her as a 16 year old with a maturity and mentality of a 9 - 10 year old. She is however a little genius. Her IQ level is at 146 and she pulls honors in the most difficult subjects.

She is way advanced in Aglebra, Geometry, Trigenometry, Biology and Chemistry. But in simple classes like History and English, she does very poorly. She is also way advanced in art. Which is what she does all day and that is drawings based on Japanese Anime.
 
Nordar said:
This is what I was going to say, there may be something mentally, she could be in a severe depression or have some other disorder. If I were you I would take her to a psychologist!
Click to expand...
She’s been to many psychologists and doctors.
 
journey137 said:
I’ve seen many kids that honestly don’t remember to clean themselves. Have you talked with your daughter’s school about putting her in a personal care class? Some kids have a harder time learning self care techniques because they really don’t have a problem with being dirty and it has nothing to do with being “slow”. If this is still happening at at 16, I don’t think it’s going to magically fix itself with a talk from another woman in the family.
Click to expand...
Yes, she has attended all of the personal health care classes at school but no help. Like I said in my above post. She tells me she is too lazy and she forgets, even though I remind her continously.
 
i was also very, very unhygenic as a young woman. my father died when i was ten, and in retrospect a lot of my unclean, anti-social behavior may have been a way of acting out grief, trying to keep people away from me, or both.

nowadays i shower, brush my teeth, stay clean, and do all the stuff i’m supposed to do. grew out of it around age 19, and thanks to God have adjusted well in other areas, too.

it may be her way of acting out, especially in light of her mom’s death. she wants to rebell, wants to have things her way, and wants to be able to say “no” to something. it’s probably her way of coping, or trying to push back against controlable forces to make up for all the other forces beyond her control (like cancer).

nothing at the time could get me to shower or use deoderant or anything… i was very stubborn and just had to grow out of it. purplesunshine is right, talking to a woman about this may help your daughter, as she may be more inclined to listen to women, rather than to the men in her life. it’s not you friend, it’s her. and she will likely grow out of it, adjust better as she matures, and finds her own place in life.
 
well…I have a 16 year old son that I have to browbeat to get him to do basic hygiene. He’s not at all vain (which is wonderful), but his main vice is laziness. Sound similiar? He’s not motivated at all by what others think of him, and he’s pretty darn lazy.

I wouldn’t worry so much about the psychology of it as I would just make it a matter of discipline. My son is required to brush his teeth in the morning and at night. I tell him to put on deordorant, esp when he leaves the house. I tell him to take a shower every few days–daily in the summer. If he doesn’t do these things, he can’t go places, get on the computer, etc.

My 15 year old daughter is very clean and hygienic, but she is also very vain.

The three root sins are vanity, pride, and sensuality (which includes laziness)

totustuus.com/overcome.htm

I know since she is a girl, you probably tiptoe around hygiene, but I would tackle it head-on. Of course, you should explain your rationale. What I tell my son–Kiddo, you have to observe certain standards because you influence people for Christ if they don’t want to be around you. You must brush your teeth because cavities are forever and it’s very expensive to have them filled. Unless you want to pay the dentist bill, you will brush your teeth with toothpaste twice a day. It also gives you bad breath. You will wear deordorant and shower because otherwise you stink which is offensive to others.

As far as toothpaste goes, I do allow him to pick the flavor because he hates the taste of mint.

For me, it’s a matter of discipline.

But, you know, he’s a very sweet kid. And, he never does anything bad for peer pressure–it’s not on the radar for him. That’s great, but it also means that he doesn’t do postive things for peer pressure, either.
 
I had wondered about the Aspergers.
She likes Japanese anime? Then go (look on line) and find some soaps, lotions etc. that would appeal. There are quite a few out there and they aren’t terribly expensive. With the Aspergers she is probably extremely sensitive to the water temperature, and to chemical smells (body odors are natural, but most soaps etc. have a lot of chemicals). Chances are that you know already some smells that appeal to her. . . usually a fruit scent is appealing, a favorite fruit she eats. Get some cute, ‘youngish’ soaps and lotions and shampoos with just that one scent, so she isn’t overloaded. Cut out perfumes and dye as much as possible from your laundry, and go for ‘soft’ in the towels, the toothbrushes, etc. Often, children like this are really into schedules. . .once you get her through a month or two of bathing, say, every other day, (at the same time, too, evening if she is an ‘evening’ person, morning if a morning person), with a pleasant smelling, ‘cute’, and comfortable bath/shower experience, and when she comes out from the tub, smiles from you, maybe an offer for a special cup of tea or you listen to her talk about her favorite anime for 10 minutes, full attention, she is more likely to start enjoying the whole thing. Be prepared, it can take a LONG time, but consistency and gentleness are key. It will work.
 
Make daily showers and teeth brushing and basic hygiene a house rule.

If she has the mental state of a 9/10 year old, use 9/10 year old techniques. A sticker chart when she brushes her teeth, a reward for doing so all week - and loss of something she likes (access to her cartoons) when she does not do it.
 
Start with the teeth. At bedtime, walk her into the bathroom and watch her brush her teeth. Don’t take no for an answer. Do this in the morning before school as well. Either she brushes them or you do. Either you continue to watch her or she must at least come to see you afterward to be checked.

After you have success there. The shower. If she won’t take one, change into a bathing suit. Take her into the shower. Her clothes will get soaked. You can leave her to remove the wet clothes in private.
 
Hi Matthew
It sounds like your daughter is suffering from the loss of her mother.She is either
depressed or has not dealt emotionally with her bereavement.Is it possible to get
her some form of ‘child orientated’ bereavement counselling?In the UK we have many
charitable organisations such as ‘seesaw’ which deal directly with emotional bereavement counselling.
My husband & i took on 2 sisters (9 & 15)as our foster daughters.Their mother had died aged 35 of breast cancer very suddenly.We arranged for ‘seesaw’ to come to our home every week to give counselling to the girls.I also took them to visit their mothers grave often & had photo’s of her around & talked about her.
One of the minor behaviours we noticed was the reluctance in hygiene,which we knew was directly becuase of the effect of feeling so insecure over the loss of their mother.Its only 6yrs ago now!
You could try the pushy way of dictating her cleaning teeth etc or you could just back off & give the occasional comment that you wouldn’t want her feelings to be hurt by kids calling her smelly or dirty & you love her very much.The training we learnt for fostering taught us that way.
It sounds like some issues are unresolved and need to be addressed before your daughter can move forward with her life in general.
I agree with grace_singh.You may well have seen psychologists but i would encourage specific
targeting at ‘bereavement counselling’,i think its a cry for help.
Im sure you do all you can to display love & say it ,she needs to hear it & see it.Good luck
and God bless
 
She is way advanced in Aglebra, Geometry, Trigenometry, Biology and Chemistry. But in simple classes like History and English, she does very poorly. She is also way advanced in art. Which is what she does all day and that is drawings based on Japanese Anime.
Click to expand...
I can relate to this! I have ADD myself. I got straight As in the subjects that interested me, and struggled with others.

An aspect of ADD that is not commonly known is hyper-concentration. We can work on something we love, and not even feel time passing. I’m not exaggerating. I once worked on something from sunup to sundown, and thought I hadn’t spent more than an hour or so. We also tend to skip some things - like showering, or eating, or sleeping - to spend more time on our favorites. This may well be the reason for the bad hygiene.

Depression also contributes. It is physical as well as mental, and saps you of energy. Put ADD and no energy together, and taking a shower is just too much trouble.

It can also be a form of self-sabotage, a cycle of proving to yourself that you are a failure.

That’s my experience. It isn’t necessarily a teenage thing - I’m 57.

If she likes to read, and can hyper-concentrate on a good book, suggest that she read in a relaxing tub of hot water. If she tries it and likes it, take her shopping for bubble bath and/or bath salts, so that soaking and reading becomes a real treat. Then you can say something like, “You’ve been working hard; why don’t you treat yourself to a nice soak with a good book?”

I hope you find something in the above rambling that is helpful.

God bless both of you,

Ruthie
 
purplesunshine said:
If your wife died in 2001, with a 2-3 year cancer battle it means that the 16yo has basically lived since since she was 3 or 4 without much maternal guidance. For a young female this can be devistating. Your other daughter, 4 years older, did recieve enough to teach her how to live.

Do you have a sister or sister-in-law that your daughter can go to. SIL should be the patient type and able to slowy show your daughter how to behave appropriatly when it comes to hygene.

Also, has your daugther been to any therepy?** Lack of clenliness can happen in young girls who’ve suffered bodily trauma**.
Click to expand...
Or in someone who is depressed. She was a little girl wwho lost her mum. Maybe everybody ele was so wrapped up in their own grief they forgot about her. It happens. Maybe she needs counselling. The lack of hygeine could be a symptom.
 
kage_ar said:
Make daily showers and teeth brushing and basic hygiene a house rule.

If she has the mental state of a 9/10 year old, use 9/10 year old techniques. A sticker chart when she brushes her teeth, a reward for doing so all week - and loss of something she likes (access to her cartoons) when she does not do it.
Click to expand...
good advice as usual, Kage.
 
Is it possible she is worried about deoderants and soaps being cancer causing? Maybe if you bought her all natural things. My Godson is autistic, and loves his routine, maybe she is just stuck in a rutt. I think it may help to make going to mass a constant also. God bless you and your family.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top