My therapist's opinion

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I am trying to get a real understanding about my feelings regarding my spouse. I am in therapy and dealing with codependency issues.
I talked with my therapist today and while she’s a Christian…she’s not a priest. (My last session with a Priest wasn’t productive either).

Anyway…what is the normal opinion on this: if your spouse often said things in public settings that embarrassed you or bothered you… and you’ve told them that these things bother you…
would this be one valid reason to separate? For example, my husband will have friends over for dinner and after making the dinner (and not talking to anyone) will sit down and just go on and on about how great his OWN cooking is…

Or in a professional setting…accidentally insults someone about their job…

At a an awards ceremony – we were both on stage and he literally said to the crowd “I’m so lucky to lay in bed at night and BOUNCE ideas off my wife – every night.”

Yesterday, it was at my son’s school…we saw some other parents there for this school event and they were both wearing similar jackets…and he started making fun of them.

I have tried to gently tell him some of this is not polite etc…and he just gets frustrated.
 
It sounds like a good reason to not have him accompany you to public/professional appearances, but not a reason to break up a marriage. He does seem to be lacking in tact, empathy, and understanding of social norms. I imagine it must be enormously frustrating and embarrassing. But I fail to see cause for separation in what issues you have mentioned here.
 
Well unfortunately this is just tip of the iceberg…

He is also problematic… Financially. And we really don’t have s@x either.
 
Sorry, but a bit of a red flag went off when you said you were talking about problems in your marriage. Generally speaking, this is a fast track to divorce city.

Personally, I’m a big believer in individual psychotherapy, but psychotherapy can only help you to change your own behavior. If you’ve begun to suspect that part of the problem is due to your spouse’s behavior, then you really need to be in couples therapy if you want your relationship to survive.
 
well, one thing that I’ve considered…is just sitting my husband down and asking him if/why he loves me.
And what he’s willing to do to improve our marriage.
We had gone through couples therapy and he didn’t seem to want to go back.
I think the only reason he hangs in there…is the money and our son.
And I think that’s the only reason why I hang in there.

If you knew your marriage was in trouble…and that your spouse was not really holding up his end of the responsibility, what would you say to them?

If they told you they loved you… but they don’t want to change or say they don’t feel unhappy…

I want to have that conversation with him…and I don’t want to handle it wrong…

Last time we separated …he got angry and started researching suicide on computers etc.
 
Not a psychologist and I don’t play one on TV, but I have a friend who is/was just like you and she married a narcissist/alcoholic. It’s taken her years of therapy to finally realize that she isn’t the problem and that her husband will never change because he doesn’t want to.

Find a good therapist, pray and have strong faith in God - that’s what she has to do and she is doing very nicely now.

Remember…YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, NOR ARE YOU THE CAUSE! 👍

Good luck and God bless!
 
No, I don’t think his embarrassing social behavior is a reason to separate or divorce. I do, however, think his extreme irresponsibility, many lawsuits and get rich quick schemes, poor parenting, lack of maturity, and the theft of an insurance check to pay his “business expenses” and household expenses because he was lying about being paid for the work he claims to have done are great reasons…
 
Codependents are natural magnets for narcissists.

If you feel it has gotten to a point you can’t handle it, separation is one valid option you have, indeed. In fact, it may be one of the few things you can do to call attention to the situation, let your husband know this is real and serious. It doesn’t sound like he’ll be willing to change, though, unfortunately.
 
Saying embarrassing things in public is the LEAST of your husband’s behaviors. You know that. You compartmentalize by posting here only one small part of the story. Your prior posts indicate serious personality issues on your husband’s part. And yet, here you are months and months later after we have all given you advice and more advice.

Codependent, yes I believe so.

WHY do you post here when you will NOT take any of our advice and just post again with the same old story?
 
well, what I really would like to know…is what YOU would say to your spouse …when you give them a last shot?

I mean – part of me understands the problems and the cause – and another part of me thinks…he loves me and he wants to keep trying.

So, I want to sit down and talk to him and tell him how I really feel - instead of just talking to this forum or my therapist.

But, it’s terrifying to me…because I know that he will say something that will make me think …boy you are not recognizing that there is some good left in this marriage.

So, if you were me…what would you say to him?

And I know it may seem like I haven’t taken action – but I have – I started with a therapist. I’m really working on myself…but it’s not easy.

And yes – as a true co-dependent-- I’m terrified of leaving and being alone.
 
mega1 said:
well, what I really would like to know…is what YOU would say to your spouse …when you give them a last shot?

I mean – part of me understands the problems and the cause – and another part of me thinks…he loves me and he wants to keep trying.

So, I want to sit down and talk to him and tell him how I really feel - instead of just talking to this forum or my therapist.

But, it’s terrifying to me…because I know that he will say something that will make me think …boy you are not recognizing that there is some good left in this marriage.

So, if you were me…what would you say to him?

And I know it may seem like I haven’t taken action – but I have – I started with a therapist. I’m really working on myself…but it’s not easy.

And yes – as a true co-dependent-- I’m terrified of leaving and being alone.
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I don’t know what i would do if I were you. But if I were me I would have kicked his *ss to the curb a couple of years and 100K ago.
 
Why is it SO hard for me?

I just don’t understand why I can’t seem to be able to take action in the way it seems I should.

If I went home and he told me he wanted to leave me… It would be SO much easier on me.
But he swears he loves me and currently is acting that way…
 
In the meantime, can you practice detachment? You don’t have to even go anywhere, separate physically, to detach. It’s something you can do right away.
 
Why is this so hard on you? Well, codependency, if this is that, often comes from our family of origin. Sometimes, people who were raised by an alcoholic parent have a much greater tendency of turning out codependent later in life.

Further, another factor that increases the risk is if one comes from a large family or if one has a disability.

Some people who have never been raised in these kinds of skewed environments might have a tough time even relating, be very quick to judge. I will try not to judge you, since I haven’t walked a mile in your moccasins, and I hope I wouldn’t even if I had.

Your feelings are your feelings, though. Our job here is not to judge you.

You have very legitimate fears and concerns, and I will in no way try to invalidate any of them.
 
I was not raised by an alcoholic nor did I have a large family. However, my upbringing was not normal. I do know that and unfortunately, that continues to play out.

I don’t have family to lean on going through this.

My mom was very much a victim and my father was a loud obnoxious irreverent man who seemed to always leave my mother crying.

I think my problem is that I feel like I might be mentally unstable. My therapist says it’s common for people to question their stability…, but I often feel like I am not capable of being a solid strong woman on my own.

At this point, not much gives me joy. And I feel just so low and unstable.

I went to church on Saturday and just sat and cried. I feel like such a failure for my past. I was unfaithful a while back and while I’ve gone to confession I still feel like I’m a massive failure.
 
Low self esteem will actually help drive this condition, so more blame, either by others or from yourself is probably about the last thing you need right now.

I saw this on the internet, hadn’t read it through fully, but it looked interesting.
psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992

Had you ever considered joining a support group, like Codependents Anonymous (CA)?

If there is no CA near you, Alanon is another sister group that deals with more or less the same issues.

They can teach you about boundaries and other things, give you at least a little bit of support, since you have no family to help at all.
 
Oh…one more thing…with codependency, even if you leave your husband, if you don’t address the codependency issue, the probability is quite high that you will simply repeat this, or a very similar scenario, in your next relationship.

For example, look at your past relationships. Do you see any kind of a pattern?

This is why it’s so important you begin to address this issue, break this pattern, so that it won’t repeat itself. In order to do that, it will take a lot of awareness and work, but I don’t think you’d regret it.

Oh…here’s another link.

recovery.org/topics/about-the-codependents-anonymous-12-step-recovery-program/
 
Thank you. I’m going to look into that treatment facility. I’m some ways I wonder if that could change my life…

I don’t get much time off work… But getting better could be enormously helpful …

And yes, I do find myself like that in relationships… But at times being completely opposite … Feeling cold to people…

But with my family and husband… Codependency is written across my forehead.
 
Codependents Anonymous might be a good start. It’s a 12-step program, may even be one near where you live.

If one isn’t near you, there is Alanon. Both Alanon and CA focus on boundaries, one thing.

They may have some dues, but they should be very inexpensive. There is a book on codependency, but the local library may even also have a copy.

Also, you mentioned intimacy. Codependents also very commonly confuse sex with love. It’s part of that mindset, but they recommend not beating oneself up about that, because the guilt would probably only make matters worse. They suggest forgiving oneself for having done this, understanding why this happened, learning from it, and moving on.

CA talks a lot about setting boundaries, but they provide guidelines and have a lot of experience in these matters. It suggests not overstepping our boundaries with others and not allowing others to overstep ours, to take it one day at a time.

I think the website I attached had a treatment center, but I think that was a lot for people who have substance abuse problems, as well, which didn’t seem to be your case.

When you were raised, you probably never learned how to set boundaries, probably had your boundaries crossed constantly and came to view all this as “normal”. So, you will need to unlearn this, but it can be done.

Codependents often can’t even identify their own emotions when asked. For example, someone can ask what emotions you are feeling, and you may be unable to even answer that, needing to relearn even how to feel!

Again, don’t be hard on yourself, guilt and blame won’t get you anywhere, especially with this condition. Forgive yourself, learn, and keep going forward. Do your best, and that’s all anyone can do, right?
 
mega1 said:
Why is it SO hard for me?

I just don’t understand why I can’t seem to be able to take action in the way it seems I should.

If I went home and he told me he wanted to leave me… It would be SO much easier on me.
But he swears he loves me and currently is acting that way…
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That is a good question.

I am sure your therapist could talk to you about it.

The first step should be to stop trying to get advice from a forum.
 
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