My wife does not like my faith

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Lux1

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Ok, this is a long story…

I was brought up an Anglican, but as a teenager served in an Anglo-Catholic parish. Naturally I looked beyond the Eccesia Anglicanna to Rome. And I liked what I saw and heard.

I was received into the Roman Catholic Church when I was nineteen. I was devout, and considered a vocation to the priesthood. I read profusely, (catholic theology works) and still have many books.

I lapsed when I was 21, I’d met a girl and Catholicism wasn’t “cool”…

We married two year later, - I didn’t seek dispensation and said I was Anglican to get married. My wife knew I was a lapsed Catholic.

Ten years later, after much soul searching, I’m wanting to re-kindle my faith and return to the Sacraments. I’ve spoken at length to my local priest who is very supportive, - he suggested radical sanation. I mustered up the courage to speak to my non-religious wife, and she seemed ok with me going back to church.

However, on my chosen day to go to Sunday Mass ( I’ve been to weekday masses without her knowledge), she went mental, - big argument, " why catholic, better than everyone else,bible-basher…"

I didn’t go to Mass…

I’m not prepared to have my marriage “put right” if my wife cannot accept my beliefs. I know it seems outs of the blue, but I did expect this reaction… and held off for TEN years biding my time…

What can I do?

I feel that I must choose between her or the Church. In fact the priest has said that perhaps this will be the final decision, he doesn’t advocate divorce, - but my wife took vows in our Anglican marriage to honour, and she’s not exactly doing that?

I love her, and my 4 year old son but am very confused. I sincerely believe in God and in our Lord’s saving act on the Cross. I long to receive Him in the Holy Sacrament once more.
 
You lied about your faith for 12 years, essentially tricked someone into marrying you when they might not have otherwise, turned your back on your “devout” faith, got married outside the church and missed a decade’s worth of Sunday obligations and you’re complaining about your wife not living up to HER promises?

Wow.

P.S > You wanting to come back to church is not grounds for divorcing your wife. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard – “I want to rejoin a church that doesn’t recognize divorce, so I think I’ll get divorced to make it easier on me.” :rolleyes:
 
Perhaps you might consider reading, The Diary of Elisabeth Leseur.
 
QuasiCatholic said:
You lied about your faith for 12 years, essentially tricked someone into marrying you when they might not have otherwise, turned your back on your “devout” faith, got married outside the church and missed a decade’s worth of Sunday obligations and you’re complaining about your wife not living up to HER promises?

Wow.

P.S > You wanting to come back to church is not grounds for divorcing your wife. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard – “I want to rejoin a church that doesn’t recognize divorce, so I think I’ll get divorced to make it easier on me.” :rolleyes:
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This.

Plus, I have a hard time swallowing that a priest would say right off that it might come down to your marriage or the church. I’d think he’d more’n likely offer to arrange a counselling session first.
 
I don’t think she’s reacting to the faith. She’s reacting to how she has perceived you practice your faith.
When you meet with this priest, has she gone with you? That might be beneficial.
Otherwise, be a good Catholic person. All day. Everyday.
Let the Holy Spirit work through you, not you bringing her along.
She has to come to faith on her own.
Good luck!
 
Lux1 said:
Ok, this is a long story…

I was brought up an Anglican, but as a teenager served in an Anglo-Catholic parish. Naturally I looked beyond the Eccesia Anglicanna to Rome. And I liked what I saw and heard.

I was received into the Roman Catholic Church when I was nineteen. I was devout, and considered a vocation to the priesthood. I read profusely, (catholic theology works) and still have many books.

I lapsed when I was 21, I’d met a girl and Catholicism wasn’t “cool”…

We married two year later, - I didn’t seek dispensation and said I was Anglican to get married. My wife knew I was a lapsed Catholic.

Ten years later, after much soul searching, I’m wanting to re-kindle my faith and return to the Sacraments. I’ve spoken at length to my local priest who is very supportive, - he suggested radical sanation. I mustered up the courage to speak to my non-religious wife, and she seemed ok with me going back to church.

However, on my chosen day to go to Sunday Mass ( I’ve been to weekday masses without her knowledge), she went mental, - big argument, " why catholic, better than everyone else,bible-basher…"

I didn’t go to Mass…

I’m not prepared to have my marriage “put right” if my wife cannot accept my beliefs. I know it seems outs of the blue, but I did expect this reaction… and held off for TEN years biding my time…

What can I do?

I feel that I must choose between her or the Church. In fact the priest has said that perhaps this will be the final decision, he doesn’t advocate divorce, - but my wife took vows in our Anglican marriage to honour, and she’s not exactly doing that?

I love her, and my 4 year old son but am very confused. I sincerely believe in God and in our Lord’s saving act on the Cross. I long to receive Him in the Holy Sacrament once more.
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Does she love you?
It doesn’t sound like she does.
 
QuasiCatholic said:
You lied about your faith for 12 years, essentially tricked someone into marrying you when they might not have otherwise, turned your back on your “devout” faith, got married outside the church and missed a decade’s worth of Sunday obligations and you’re complaining about your wife not living up to HER promises?

Wow.

P.S > You wanting to come back to church is not grounds for divorcing your wife. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard – “I want to rejoin a church that doesn’t recognize divorce, so I think I’ll get divorced to make it easier on me.” :rolleyes:
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At first I thought this post was a bit harsh. And then I re-read the OP. And now I agree.

Plus…

Lux1, you have a young son. Your choices must reflect his best interests. Which are, I’m sure you will agree, a mother and father remaining married and caring for him together.

Also note that you can receive a radical sanation without your wife needing to be invloved (or potentially to even know about it). And you will need this (or a convalidation) in order to receive the Eucharist again, since at the moment you are living in an invalid marriage.

I think pianistclare is right that taking your wife to meet with your priest will be helpful.

Also, Lux1, what do you mean that your wife is not honouring her vows? Nothing you’ve said indicates any issues, so what else is going on?
 
QuasiCatholic said:
You lied about your faith for 12 years, essentially tricked someone into marrying you when they might not have otherwise, turned your back on your “devout” faith, got married outside the church and missed a decade’s worth of Sunday obligations and you’re complaining about your wife not living up to HER promises?

Wow.

P.S > You wanting to come back to church is not grounds for divorcing your wife. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard – “I want to rejoin a church that doesn’t recognize divorce, so I think I’ll get divorced to make it easier on me.” :rolleyes:
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She knew he was a lapsed Catholic and the Church is not against divorce in every circumstance. This man does not have a valid marriage in the eyes of the Church and could have the marriage annulled as such. To do so, divorce would be necessary, to help prove there is no chance of them getting back together. As it is though, he has clearly stated that he does NOT want to divorce. He is divided within–torn between the Church and his family.

Please in the future, make sure to read–not just skim posts before responding to them.
 
If she is getting in the way of your coming back to the Church, than that means she is coming between you and God. Of course you should try to come back to Church while staying with her if you can, but if this cannot be (I mean literally of course, it could, but you have to have enough zeal and or will-power to make it happen) than you will have to choose between her and God. I will pray for you and your family. You should make sure to pray too–especially for a strong will that will be in tune with God’s.
 
A person needs help. Whether he’s done wrong or not, some of the reactions I’ve read are ridiculous! Aren’t we supposed to treat people with love and charity?! I’m not talking only about the forum rules, I’m talking about being followers of Christ and the Church, and human beings in general. This forum, just like the Church, is made up of sinners that need help. All of us are sinners that need help!! To be this rude only chases people away and helps to promote the mindset that Christians are intolerant and judgmental. Please think about the way you word your posts, and consider the effects your words can have on people.
 
ChibiViolet said:
She knew he was a lapsed Catholic and the Church is not against divorce in every circumstance. This man does not have a valid marriage in the eyes of the Church and could have the marriage annulled as such. To do so, divorce would be necessary, to help prove there is no chance of them getting back together. As it is though, he has clearly stated that he does NOT want to divorce. He is divided within–torn between the Church and his family.

Please in the future, make sure to read–not just skim posts before responding to them.
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Let’s review what this guy actually said, shall we?

I was received into the Roman Catholic Church when I was nineteen.* I was devout, and considered a vocation to the priesthood.** I read profusely, (catholic theology works) and still have many books.

I lapsed when I was 21, I’d met a girl and Catholicism wasn’t “cool”…*

So already we have someone who claims to be devout but is willing to drop his faith like that to get in with a girl he knows may not have wanted him otherwise.
*
We married two year later, -** I didn’t seek dispensation and said I was Anglican to get married. *My wife knew I was a lapsed Catholic.

He is lying to someone – either the minister, his wife, or both – here. And again, ignoring his “devout” faith by not getting a dispensation.

*Ten years later, after much soul searching, I’m wanting to re-kindle my faith and return to the Sacraments. I’ve spoken at length to my local priest who is very supportive, - he suggested radical sanation. I mustered up the courage to speak to my non-religious wife, and she seemed ok with me going back to church.

However, on my chosen day to go to Sunday Mass ( I’ve been to weekday masses without her knowledge), she went mental, - big argument, " why catholic, better than everyone else,bible-basher…"

I didn’t go to Mass…*

He’s been secretly going to Mass without telling his wife. More lies (of omission, if nothing else.)

I’m not prepared to have my marriage “put right” if my wife cannot accept my beliefs.* I know it seems outs of the blue, but I did expect this reaction… and held off for TEN years biding my time…**

What can I do?*

Did you catch that? Not, “this is out of the blue”. No. What he said is he’s been holding off on revealing his actual beliefs to his wife for the last decade because he knew she wouldn’t approve. Just like she probably wouldn’t have approved if he had been honest when they were dating.

*I feel that I must choose between her or the Church. In fact the priest has said that perhaps this will be the final decision, he doesn’t advocate divorce, - but my wife took vows in our Anglican marriage to honour, and she’s not exactly doing that?

I love her, and my 4 year old son but am very confused. I sincerely believe in God and in our Lord’s saving act on the Cross. I long to receive Him in the Holy Sacrament once more.
*

He never says he doesn’t want to divorce. He says his priest doesn’t advocate divorce. Which seems to suggest that he talked to his priest about the possibility of divorce. And again, he’s going to complain about his wife not honoring vows while arguing that his vows never counted to begin with? Seriously … ?

If his marriage isn’t valid, it’s his fault for not being honest with his wife about what needed to happen back then. And I guarantee you that her church considers it a valid marriage. And so does the government. Using a loophole like that as an excuse to end your marriage just because you can is despicable.
 
GrowingFaith said:
A person needs help. Whether he’s done wrong or not, some of the reactions I’ve read are ridiculous! Aren’t we supposed to treat people with love and charity?! I’m not talking only about the forum rules, I’m talking about being followers of Christ and the Church, and human beings in general. This forum, just like the Church, is made up of sinners that need help. All of us are sinners that need help!! To be this rude only chases people away and helps to promote the mindset that Christians are intolerant and judgmental. Please think about the way you word your posts, and consider the effects your words can have on people.
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I thought I was fairly understanding.
they BOTH need the guidance of a good priest.
Not necessarily internet folks. It’s his first post ever.
 
QuasiCatholic said:
He never says he doesn’t want to divorce. He says his priest doesn’t advocate divorce. Which seems to suggest that he talked to his priest about the possibility of divorce. And again, he’s going to complain about his wife not honoring vows while arguing that his vows never counted to begin with? Seriously … ?

If his marriage isn’t valid, it’s his fault for not being honest with his wife about what needed to happen back then. And I guarantee you that her church considers it a valid marriage. And so does the government. Using a loophole like that as an excuse to end your marriage just because you can is despicable.
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“Despicable” is a very strong word. I’d use a word more like “unreasonable”. But otherwise, I tend to agree with your summation.

My sympathy is very much with the wife and son in this case. The OP entered a marriage and now wants to change things. This is not his wife’s fault, and certainly not his son’s fault. His progress from here needs to take into account their best interests, as well as his responsibility to a) meet his Sunday obligation and b) either make his marriage valid in the eyes of the Church or cease conjugal relations until it is made valid (or cease conjugal life entirely, but see below).

Now, the wife may wish to end the marriage, as the priest indicated as a possibility. That’s another issue. I do not see how the OP can reasonably choose such an approach, since his current predicament seems to be of his own making.
 
pianistclare said:
I thought I was fairly understanding.
they BOTH need the guidance of a good priest.
Not necessarily internet folks. It’s his first post ever.
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I wasn’t referring to you at all. You were very understanding and respectful. I was only referring to one or two posts.
 
GrowingFaith said:
A person needs help. Whether he’s done wrong or not, some of the reactions I’ve read are ridiculous! Aren’t we supposed to treat people with love and charity?! I’m not talking only about the forum rules, I’m talking about being followers of Christ and the Church, and human beings in general. This forum, just like the Church, is made up of sinners that need help. All of us are sinners that need help!! To be this rude only chases people away and helps to promote the mindset that Christians are intolerant and judgmental. Please think about the way you word your posts, and consider the effects your words can have on people.
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Amen. I’m very surprised by some of the responses in this thread and they are not typical of what I see in this forum.

I’ll pray for a positive solution for this family and hope they all find peace.

God Bless
 
Dear Lux,
Here is info on radical sanation.

First comes God, of course, but he is very patient.
Of great importance is your son, who needs a father. I would not consider destroying your marriage. I urge you to read this book: Rome Sweet Home by Scott Hahn. He’s a theologian whose wife was devastated when he converted to Catholicism. She is now a Catholic herself.
God does not want marriages to break up.
On the other hand, what’s to stop you from going to church? You’re an adult. You don’t tell your wife what friends she can visit, or groups she can join, I assume. And apparently you can have a radical sanation to make your marriage valid without informing your wife, it would be between you, the priest and God.
My recommendation is to take it easy. God has all the time in the world. Follow him and love your family,
 
Wow, - what variable opinions.

My father in law is lapsed because his first Catholic marriage failed due to his wife having an affair and leaving him. His priest at the time suggested that he could life a celibate life.

He wasn’t very pleased at that idea, as he was only 27. He married again a few years later outside the church, he’s since been married for 30 years. My wife’s anti-catholic views are I suspect largely based on this.

I only thought my lapse could be short-term. I beat myself over it many times, every Sunday I feel guilty. my wife’s parents now go to a former high Anglican church. The vicar has retired, and they are going to support a pro-women priest lobby ( the church has never allowed women clergy to preside at the eurcharist) I think thats nasty, my mother in law says she doesn’t believe in God, but goes because she wants to convert a sexist bunch of people.

I have my own views.

Admitting to my wife and her family that I wanted to go back was never going to b easy. My priest has said that in theory my marriage isn’t valid and if my wife continues to object to my faith then I’ll have to make a decision. He doesn’t like the idea of divorce, but has said in some situations its the only way. He did then mention annulment.

All of our friends are atheists, please don’t be too harsh on me. My catholic uncle once said that because I married outside the church, I was now an Anglican by default. I believed this to be the case, thinking that I had excommunicated myself.

I spoke to a priest earlier in the year, who told me that I’m still a catholic. He’s been encouraging me to come back.
 
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