My wife does not like my faith

[7_Sorrows]

Wow, - what variable opinions.

My father in law is lapsed because his first Catholic marriage failed due to his wife having an affair and leaving him. His priest at the time suggested that he could life a celibate life.

He wasn’t very pleased at that idea, as he was only 27. He married again a few years later outside the church, he’s since been married for 30 years. My wife’s anti-catholic views are I suspect largely based on this.

I only thought my lapse could be short-term. I beat myself over it many times, every Sunday I feel guilty. my wife’s parents now go to a former high Anglican church. The vicar has retired, and they are going to support a pro-women priest lobby ( the church has never allowed women clergy to preside at the eurcharist) I think thats nasty, my mother in law says she doesn’t believe in God, but goes because she wants to convert a sexist bunch of people.

I have my own views.

Admitting to my wife and her family that I wanted to go back was never going to b easy. My priest has said that in theory my marriage isn’t valid and if my wife continues to object to my faith then I’ll have to make a decision. He doesn’t like the idea of divorce, but has said in some situations its the only way. He did then mention annulment.

All of our friends are atheists, please don’t be too harsh on me. My catholic uncle once said that because I married outside the church, I was now an Anglican by default. I believed this to be the case, thinking that I had excommunicated myself.

I spoke to a priest earlier in the year, who told me that I’m still a catholic. He’s been encouraging me to come back.

Wow-you have challenging family dynamics!! Your mother-in-law has been attending church for 30 years and is an atheist? If you were baptized Catholic, you can still return to the Catholic church. I feel sorry for your dad. It must be hard trying to live a Christian life and the wife doesn’t believe in God. I will pray for you.

 

[underacloud]

Thanks for coming back, Lux1. Yes, there have been some interesting responses and I’m glad you are participating.

Admitting to my wife and her family that I wanted to go back was never going to b easy. My priest has said that in theory my marriage isn’t valid and if my wife continues to object to my faith then I’ll have to make a decision. He doesn’t like the idea of divorce, but has said in some situations its the only way. He did then mention annulment.

Surely there’s a big difference between a wife who objects to your faith and a wife who won’t let you out of the house for an hour each Sunday to go to church? An hour each week is not a lot to ask for. Just respectfully ask for that time to yourself as a starting point. There’s really no need for it to be a bigger issue than that right now, is there?

 

[Lux1]

My mother in law has only started going to church and goes only because there is a women vicar ,- and it my father in law that is lapsed due to a failed first marriage.

My own father (also a lapsed catholic) died last year a convinced atheist. He had a humanist funeral, he’s choice but I found it all strange. Part of that triggered me to get my own house in order.

 

[7_Sorrows]

My mother in law has only started going to church and goes only because there is a women vicar ,- and it my father in law that is lapsed due to a failed first marriage.

My own father (also a lapsed catholic) died last year a convinced atheist. He had a humanist funeral, he’s choice but I found it all strange. Part of that triggered me to get my own house in order.

I’m sorry I confused your father-in-law with your father. Forgive me for that. Also my sympathies for your father who died last year.
I understand how you wanted to get your own house in order. I believe that is why I converted over 6 years ago. I had been a non-practicing Christian for over 20 years. I was raised episcopal/anglican and I felt Catholicism has the fullness of the faith.

 

[without]

I’ve been to weekday masses without her knowledge

You owe your wife a big apology, and probably couples counseling to understand why you needed to lie (by omission, but still a lie).

I feel that I must choose between her or the Church.

Yep…

Matthew 10:34

2 Corinthians 6:14

 

[808Catholic]

You lied about your faith for 12 years, essentially tricked someone into marrying you when they might not have otherwise, turned your back on your “devout” faith, got married outside the church and missed a decade’s worth of Sunday obligations and you’re complaining about your wife not living up to HER promises?

Wow.

P.S > You wanting to come back to church is not grounds for divorcing your wife. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard – “I want to rejoin a church that doesn’t recognize divorce, so I think I’ll get divorced to make it easier on me.”

Be gentle with others as the Lord is gentle with you.

 

[808Catholic]

A person needs help. Whether he’s done wrong or not, some of the reactions I’ve read are ridiculous! Aren’t we supposed to treat people with love and charity?! I’m not talking only about the forum rules, I’m talking about being followers of Christ and the Church, and human beings in general. This forum, just like the Church, is made up of sinners that need help. All of us are sinners that need help!! To be this rude only chases people away and helps to promote the mindset that Christians are intolerant and judgmental. Please think about the way you word your posts, and consider the effects your words can have on people.

I agree with you and want to add, because we are sinners, we should be able to empathize with our brothers and sisters in Christ who are suffering whether from pride or from confusion. Let’s pray for them all.

 

[808Catholic]

Ok, this is a long story…

I was brought up an Anglican, but as a teenager served in an Anglo-Catholic parish. Naturally I looked beyond the Eccesia Anglicanna to Rome. And I liked what I saw and heard.

I was received into the Roman Catholic Church when I was nineteen. I was devout, and considered a vocation to the priesthood. I read profusely, (catholic theology works) and still have many books.

I lapsed when I was 21, I’d met a girl and Catholicism wasn’t “cool”…

We married two year later, - I didn’t seek dispensation and said I was Anglican to get married. My wife knew I was a lapsed Catholic.

Ten years later, after much soul searching, I’m wanting to re-kindle my faith and return to the Sacraments. I’ve spoken at length to my local priest who is very supportive, - he suggested radical sanation. I mustered up the courage to speak to my non-religious wife, and she seemed ok with me going back to church.

However, on my chosen day to go to Sunday Mass ( I’ve been to weekday masses without her knowledge), she went mental, - big argument, " why catholic, better than everyone else,bible-basher…"

I didn’t go to Mass…

I’m not prepared to have my marriage “put right” if my wife cannot accept my beliefs. I know it seems outs of the blue, but I did expect this reaction… and held off for TEN years biding my time…

What can I do?

I feel that I must choose between her or the Church. In fact the priest has said that perhaps this will be the final decision, he doesn’t advocate divorce, - but my wife took vows in our Anglican marriage to honour, and she’s not exactly doing that?

I love her, and my 4 year old son but am very confused. I sincerely believe in God and in our Lord’s saving act on the Cross. I long to receive Him in the Holy Sacrament once more.

Honor your marriage and vows; keep your family intact and live as a Catholic. I recommend you explain to your wife AND your son, you are living as a Catholic because you believe it’s the best way you know how to protect them and provide for them as you promised during your exchange of vows. I wouldn’t engage with “debates” with your wife, especially in front of your young son, on the merits of worshiping as an Anglican or Catholic but simple state you are worshiping God in the way you should have been since birth. Then live it, don’t PREACH it. Live and give testimony by your actions. Your wife may follow you or not but you have the duty as appointed by God to protect your family so do what you know must be done. God Bless you and protect you and your family.

 

[DakiniArtist]

Honor your marriage and vows; keep your family intact and live as a Catholic. I recommend you explain to your wife AND your son, you are living as a Catholic because you believe it’s the best way you know how to protect them and provide for them as you promised during your exchange of vows. I wouldn’t engage with “debates” with your wife, especially in front of your young son, on the merits of worshiping as an Anglican or Catholic but simple state you are worshiping God in the way you should have been since birth. Then live it, don’t PREACH it. Live and give testimony by your actions. Your wife may follow you or not but you have the duty as appointed by God to protect your family so do what you know must be done. God Bless you and protect you and your family.

I second this.

In my opinion this is an excellent chance for her to fall in love with the Church through you.

 

[polki]

All of our friends are atheists, please don’t be too harsh on me. My catholic uncle once said that because I married outside the church, I was now an Anglican by default. I believed this to be the case, thinking that I had excommunicated myself.

I spoke to a priest earlier in the year, who told me that I’m still a catholic. He’s been encouraging me to come back.

My opinion:

I think if you were baptized Catholic, you are still considered Catholic in this situation. You summarize the situation as having to choose between your wife and the Church, but I just wanted to point out that you are the one who created this situation. Only you. I would feel the same way as your wife does if I were in her shoes, especially if I felt I had been deceived. So I hope you don’t put the “blame” on her for “keeping you away from the Church.”

I also would suggest you go to confession if you haven’t already. It might help you to reflect on things and guide you.

I hope everything works out. Divorce is one of the most horrible experiences. I would suggest trying to work things out. Peace.

 

[808Catholic]

Wow, - what variable opinions.

My father in law is lapsed because his first Catholic marriage failed due to his wife having an affair and leaving him. His priest at the time suggested that he could life a celibate life.

He wasn’t very pleased at that idea, as he was only 27. He married again a few years later outside the church, he’s since been married for 30 years. My wife’s anti-catholic views are I suspect largely based on this.

I only thought my lapse could be short-term. I beat myself over it many times, every Sunday I feel guilty. my wife’s parents now go to a former high Anglican church. The vicar has retired, and they are going to support a pro-women priest lobby ( the church has never allowed women clergy to preside at the eurcharist) I think thats nasty, my mother in law says she doesn’t believe in God, but goes because she wants to convert a sexist bunch of people.

I have my own views.

Admitting to my wife and her family that I wanted to go back was never going to b easy. My priest has said that in theory my marriage isn’t valid and if my wife continues to object to my faith then I’ll have to make a decision. He doesn’t like the idea of divorce, but has said in some situations its the only way. He did then mention annulment.

All of our friends are atheists, please don’t be too harsh on me. My catholic uncle once said that because I married outside the church, I was now an Anglican by default. I believed this to be the case, thinking that I had excommunicated myself.

I spoke to a priest earlier in the year, who told me that I’m still a catholic. He’s been encouraging me to come back.

I agree with your priest; you’re still Catholic.

 

[Darryl1958]

It goes to the ‘one baptism’ directive of the Creed.

 

[Et_Cetera]

She knew he was a lapsed Catholic and the Church is not against divorce in every circumstance. This man does not have a valid marriage in the eyes of the Church and could have the marriage annulled as such. To do so, divorce would be necessary, to help prove there is no chance of them getting back together. As it is though, he has clearly stated that he does NOT want to divorce. He is divided within–torn between the Church and his family.

Please in the future, make sure to read–not just skim posts before responding to them.

Uhh…this poster did read the OP. And so did all the others who think it’s the best post in the thread (myself included).

 

[nodito]

My thoughts, since you asked:

Stay married and pursue a radical sanation, which your wife does not need to know about. This will retroactively make the marriage valid from the beginning. It is currently invalid due to lack of form.

Be reasonable with your requests and try to accomodate the family’s schedule as much as possible while maintaining your position that it is important for you to have an hour to go to Mass every Saturday evening or Sunday. Offer to take your son to Mass with you so your wife can have free time to visit with friends or get a coffee or sleep in. Go to an evening Mass if that is more convenient for your wife.

Read the Diary of Elisabeth Leseur, who was a devout Catholic married woman to an athiest. She spent her life offering little sacrifices for his conversion and after her death, he became a priest. Also read Scott Hahn’s conversion story and take note of the fact that he converted his wife not through theological arguments but by being loving and romantic.

Your son needs his father and needs his parents to remain married. You need to get to Mass every week, and an hour every week is not an unreasonable request to make of your wife. Those are your priorities.

 

[holyrood]

I haven’t read the other answers, and have no advice per se, but a story.

When I was 23, married with 2 children, I met a couple 13 and 17 years older than me, and devout Catholics. These people have completely changed my life, and I would almost say made me who I am today, with their example and their love.

But the background of their story is that they were both militantly NOT Catholic. She became Catholic first, and it led to huge fights, to him ripping her rosary off the wall and marching into a confessional to yell at the priest that the Catholic church was destroying their marriage.

If ever there was a story that looked like it wouldn’t end well, that was it.

Yet he gradually was won over by her love and peace. And they as a couple, in turn, have no doubt swayed many people besides me. I know how I’ve chosen to live has had huge impact on others, and I imagine the dozens, hundreds? of others whom they’ve influenced have likewise had similar ripple effects. I can say without a doubt: I live my faith BECAUSE of them. My life is profoundly different from what it would have been without them.

And it started with a woman in exactly your position, with a spouse who hated her faith.

I’ll pray for you and ask them to, too. Please know that miracles happen.

 

[St_Pancake]

Uhh…this poster did read the OP. And so did all the others who think it’s the best post in the thread (myself included).

I’d be ashamed to admit I thought that the best post in the thread.

 

[Kelfa28]

In regard to radical sanation.

I’m floored that people press for downright dishonest actions within a Marriage.

Going and getting something important done without consulting one’s spouse is so dangerous to the Marriage itself.

It’s dishonest. It’s a lie by omission.

 

[slh3016]

In regard to radical sanation.

I’m floored that people press for downright dishonest actions within a Marriage.

Going and getting something important done without consulting one’s spouse is so dangerous to the Marriage itself.

It’s dishonest. It’s a lie by omission.

How is it dishonest? It doesn’t affect her at all, only him.

She believes they have a valid marriage and they do in the eyes of* her* church.

He knows the marriage is not valid in the eyes of his Church, so he’s doing the prudent thing by having it validated and putting himself in right standing.

Honestly, I don’t know why she’d have any objection. She doesn’t have to do anything, from what I understand, nor does she even have to know or consent. Like I said, she already believes in the validity of her marriage; he’s only affirming that he does as well

 

[slh3016]

My thoughts, since you asked:

Stay married and pursue a radical sanation, which your wife does not need to know about. This will retroactively make the marriage valid from the beginning. It is currently invalid due to lack of form.

Be reasonable with your requests and try to accomodate the family’s schedule as much as possible while maintaining your position that it is important for you to have an hour to go to Mass every Saturday evening or Sunday. Offer to take your son to Mass with you so your wife can have free time to visit with friends or get a coffee or sleep in. Go to an evening Mass if that is more convenient for your wife.

Read the Diary of Elisabeth Leseur, who was a devout Catholic married woman to an athiest. She spent her life offering little sacrifices for his conversion and after her death, he became a priest. Also read Scott Hahn’s conversion story and take note of the fact that he converted his wife not through theological arguments but by being loving and romantic.

Your son needs his father and needs his parents to remain married. You need to get to Mass every week, and an hour every week is not an unreasonable request to make of your wife. Those are your priorities.

^^^^^^This post gets my vote.

She cannot keep you from going to Mass just like you shouldn’t keep her from going to her church service. Talk to her in peace, with love, and strike a deal. Don’t arm twist, ridicule, shame, coerce, or do anything of the like.

If she tries to do that to you, don’t react. Just grin and bear it and most importantly, PRAY.

When my husband and I started going down the road to Catholicism, I tried and tried to get him interested in the things I was reading and seeing more clearly. He wanted no part of it. He kept asking me to not refer to him as a Protestant because he wasn’t protesting anything. He just was comfortable where we were and didn’t want to rock the boat. We had a MAJOR blowup one night and he declared he wasn’t having any of this “Catholic nonsense”, “Pope”, etc. in his house! He couldn’t keep me from going to Mass but he didn’t want to hear any more about it. From that day on, I back off of it and PRAYED. I begged God that if He was going to bring me to His Church, that my husband and kids had to come with me.

Now, fast forward 8 months, we are ALL attending Mass and planning on starting RCIA soon Out of the blue, my husband listened to a podcast that I’d asked him to before and the wheels started turning for him and he is more enthusiastic and outspoken about converting than I am! He has been talking to all his lifelong friends about it and giving them info of the Catholic Church

I relate all that to emphasize to you the important of prayer and a Godly witness.

 

[nodito]

In regard to radical sanation.

I’m floored that people press for downright dishonest actions within a Marriage.

Going and getting something important done without consulting one’s spouse is so dangerous to the Marriage itself.

It’s dishonest. It’s a lie by omission.

I’m always prompted to reconsider my position (which is that the OP pursue a radical sanation w/o his wife needing to know about it) when a poster I respect (Kelfa) seems so appalled by my reasoning.

In looking at this again, though, I really don’t see it as dishonest or a lie by omission. She considers the marriage valid. I imagine she would like him to agree that it is valid. Why is it dishonest for him to do what he needs to do in order to make it so?