My wife does not like my faith

[underacloud]

I’m always prompted to reconsider my position (which is that the OP pursue a radical sanation w/o his wife needing to know about it) when a poster I respect (Kelfa) seems so appalled by my reasoning.

In looking at this again, though, I really don’t see it as dishonest or a lie by omission. She considers the marriage valid. I imagine she would like him to agree that it is valid. Why is it dishonest for him to do what he needs to do in order to make it so?

I understand and sympathise with both sides of this issue…

Firstly, I think honesty is important and if possible the OP and his wife should work through this together.

Secondly, the issue of validity needs to be addressed. If the OP and his wife are to continue conjugal relations, the OP needs to set himself right with the Church. The reasons for the radical sanation, without the wife’s permission, is precisely to achieve this.

 

[phil19034]

Lux1 - I’m in the same boat as you. I received a Radical Sanation.

If you would like to chat, please PM me.

This kind of situation is often difficult for people to understand if they haven’t been in it.

God Bless!

 

[zzz]

In regard to radical sanation.

I’m floored that people press for downright dishonest actions within a Marriage.

Going and getting something important done without consulting one’s spouse is so dangerous to the Marriage itself.

It’s dishonest. It’s a lie by omission.

I couldn’t agree more! If I had a spouse that did this behind my back, it would be the end of our marriage…no discussion. I simply couldn’t trust them.

 

[Kelfa28]

I’m always prompted to reconsider my position (which is that the OP pursue a radical sanation w/o his wife needing to know about it) when a poster I respect (Kelfa) seems so appalled by my reasoning.

In looking at this again, though, I really don’t see it as dishonest or a lie by omission. She considers the marriage valid. I imagine she would like him to agree that it is valid. Why is it dishonest for him to do what he needs to do in order to make it so?

Sorry.

I just think that going behind a spouses back is dishonest. Doing a radical sanction without the wife’s knowledge or agreement is, at the very least, sneaky. At most it’s dishonest.
She has the right to know what he is up to.
If she decides to convert one day and says…we need to validate our Marriage and he says he did it without our knowledge or she does a little detective work and actually reads through some of the Catechism and asks why he’s kept up with relations even though their Marriage isn’t valid…and he says he secretly went to get a radical sanction…where does that leave her?

Why can’t he just say to her…
“listen, I’d like to go and get our Marriage validated through my Church. I’m Catholic and in order for me to have a valid marriage…I need to do this. Here is the documentation that explains my position (present copy of Catechism and specific reference). You don’t have to do anything…I just need to talk to my Priest.”

I’m just trying to look at it from her perspective. I get it…he can’t have relations with her because their marriage isn’t valid in the eyes of the Church and that is really important and needs to be addressed.

But I truly don’t think getting the marriage validated behind her back is a noble thing to do.

It’a a tricky situation that needs to be handled delicately. I don’t think secrecy is going to solve anything.
Reasoning, being open, honest and understanding is the way to go. He is changing the game and not her.

 

[Kelfa28]

I couldn’t agree more! If I had a spouse that did this behind my back, it would be the end of our marriage…no discussion. I simply couldn’t trust them.

Trust is everything within a marriage. I’d be really upset if my husband decided to change the game on our Marriage and start attending another Christian denomination or an entirely different religion all together and then started doing things that involved our Marriage and what I believe it is and start changing things without consulting me.

It would be too much and I wouldn’t trust him anymore and an open mind that i may have had about the Church he started attending would be closed even further. I’d be seriously questioning our Marriage.

I’m not saying don’t become Catholic…what I am saying is that this is an extremely delicate situation that needs a lot of pastoral care and guidance and quite a lot of discussions with his wife.
He needs to be understanding for her.

 

[SAVINGRACE]

She knew he was a lapsed Catholic and the Church is not against divorce in every circumstance. This man does not have a valid marriage in the eyes of the Church and could have the marriage annulled as such. To do so, divorce would be necessary, to help prove there is no chance of them getting back together. As it is though, he has clearly stated that he does NOT want to divorce. He is divided within–torn between the Church and his family.

Please in the future, make sure to read–not just skim posts before responding to them.

 

[SAVINGRACE]

You lied about your faith for 12 years, essentially tricked someone into marrying you when they might not have otherwise, turned your back on your “devout” faith, got married outside the church and missed a decade’s worth of Sunday obligations and you’re complaining about your wife not living up to HER promises?

Wow.

P.S > You wanting to come back to church is not grounds for divorcing your wife. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard – “I want to rejoin a church that doesn’t recognize divorce, so I think I’ll get divorced to make it easier on me.”

1. His wife knew he was Catholic before she married him.
2. He lied to the Priest who married them by telling him he was Anglican.
3. Many have wandered off and returned, he knows, he doesn’t need you reminding him. Read the Prodigal Son story.
4. He is trying to make amends and is torn between his faith and wife/son.
5. Yours is the worst reply in this thread. No constructive advice offered and very judgmental. No solutions offered at all.

To the OP - please ask your wife if she will discuss the situation with you practicing your faith with your Priest. I would even suggest you to ask your wife to discuss it with an Anglican Priest, pretty sure the Anglican Priest will advise her to give you leeway. Your family are in my prayers.

 

[BellsMom]

This is not directed at the OP, just a thought I had as the discussion turned to divorce and annulments.

So a person can be deceitful and manipulative in the process of getting married, decide they want a different life then the one they have with their current spouse and then use their own lies and misrepresentations as evidence they never had a valid marriage to begin with.

Wow.

 

[SAVINGRACE]

This is not directed at the OP, just a thought I had as the discussion turned to divorce and annulments.

So a person can be deceitful and manipulative in the process of getting married, decide they want a different life then the one they have with their current spouse and then use their own lies and misrepresentations as evidence they never had a valid marriage to begin with.

Wow.

A person can do as they like and be forgiven if they are repentant. It is not up to us to point fingers and judge. God is a God of mercy.

The op has not hidden anything in his post. He has been honest. He could have lied to all of us and given us a different story.

He is asking for advice on how to save his marriage and keep his faith. Some constructive advice on how he can keep both would be beneficial as none of us want him to divorce.

 

[nodito]

This is not directed at the OP, just a thought I had as the discussion turned to divorce and annulments.

So a person can be deceitful and manipulative in the process of getting married, decide they want a different life then the one they have with their current spouse and then use their own lies and misrepresentations as evidence they never had a valid marriage to begin with.

Wow.

Yes, a person could do this. The innocent spouse is guilty of nothing but the lying and decitful spouse will have a lot to answer for.