My wife has lost her love for me

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rider54

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After 21 years of marriage my wife told me she has lost feelings for me because of the way I have treated her. I am not Catholic but will become one next Easter. My wife has been Catholic all of her life and she is very dedicated to her faith. I’ll try not to go into too many details but I do take the blame for most of what has happened.
The reason for her feelings is due to me being too controlling and manipulative for some time now. I didn’t realize what I was doing! Not until I started learning more about the Catholic faith and virtues. I just pray that I have not ruined my marriage. We have a beautiful family (4 children) and have had problems before but nothing like this. I am dealing with my problem now but my wife has found a new “friend” who is divorced and looking (about 2 weeks ago). He has asked my wife if she has any friends that would be interested in him. Long story short, this has led to phone calls every day and emails. (and occasional meetings) My wife has given me all of this information but not before some of it slipped out. I have told her that I believe this “friendship” is not appropriate but she said she can choose her own friends. This is totally not like her! She has always followed the Catholic faith and finally got me interested in it. (She has tried for a long time but I was not ready, another story) I have spoken to our parish priest about my situation but my wife will not. She won’t even discuss counseling. My heart is broken and I’m not sure what to do next. I will not let her go! I love her and my children too much to give up!
Please help me decide what the next step is…
 
Your wife has found herself a boyfriend. She should cut all ties with this man.

Many prayers for you as you work on your marriage.
 
yea, sounds like infidelity to me. I’m greatly sorry to hear about that, if it is the case. I’ll say a prayer for you. perhaps find out more information about this friend. I hate to advocate being sneaky in a marriage, but this situation may justify that. i hope the Lord will lead you with what to do. God Bless.
 
rider54 said:
After 21 years of marriage my wife told me she has lost feelings for me because of the way I have treated her. I am not Catholic but will become one next Easter. My wife has been Catholic all of her life and she is very dedicated to her faith. I’ll try not to go into too many details but I do take the blame for most of what has happened.
The reason for her feelings is due to me being too controlling and manipulative for some time now. I didn’t realize what I was doing! Not until I started learning more about the Catholic faith and virtues. I just pray that I have not ruined my marriage. We have a beautiful family (4 children) and have had problems before but nothing like this. I am dealing with my problem now but my wife has found a new “friend” who is divorced and looking (about 2 weeks ago). He has asked my wife if she has any friends that would be interested in him. Long story short, this has led to phone calls every day and emails. (and occasional meetings) My wife has given me all of this information but not before some of it slipped out. I have told her that I believe this “friendship” is not appropriate but she said she can choose her own friends. This is totally not like her! She has always followed the Catholic faith and finally got me interested in it. (She has tried for a long time but I was not ready, another story) I have spoken to our parish priest about my situation but my wife will not. She won’t even discuss counseling. My heart is broken and I’m not sure what to do next. I will not let her go! I love her and my children too much to give up!
Please help me decide what the next step is…
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Don’t asssume she’s cheating. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

Better a loving fool than a jealous guardian 🙂
 
John_Augustine said:
Don’t asssume she’s cheating. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

Better a loving fool than a jealous guardian 🙂
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yea, that’s why i said to try and find out more. this friend is at the very least suspicious and harmful to your relationship. your wife should not be hiding anything from you. this usually means she is doing something she doesn’t want you to know about. Just try to find out more about the situation, then go from there. Also, pray for guidance and seek counseling for you and your wife if need be…
 
If the issue of control concerns her “friendship” with this man, I’d say you have a right to know whats going on.

It is usually not a good idea for a married lady to have a close personal relationship with a man (and the opposite is true) casual is one thing, but in my world, when I have personal things to discuss I bring it MY WIFE.

You’re talking about a 21 year marriage, and 4 kids, how does one give up on that in the fashion she is?? She needs to get rid of this guy and come home.

I can’t begin to fathon how this will affect those 4 kids. I’m sorry this is crazy. She has to know this relationship with this guy will never work in the long run. Relationships born out of this kinda thing almost always fizzle. Why? Becaue they are NOT God’s plan.

Now you may not have been the best husband lately, but it appears you are tryin. But in life, somethings are bigger than yourself, like these 4 kids, she is subject to deal them a blow they may never recover from. I don’ care what they say on Oprah, kids take the break of their parents HARD.

I remember watching my parents grow old together, I can’t imagine not having that.
 
Her meeting a new ‘friend,’ is just that–new. That doesn’t sound like what is culminating in the marriage crumbling, the OP admits that he had faults that possibly could have led to where they are now. Just know, rider, that it is not your fault if your wife is having an affair. Right now, I have a feeling she is not yet, but is emotionally separating herself from you, for a variety of reasons that only both you know, but that is also leading her away from you–and seeking out another. I think that for any marriage to have a chance, there needs to be no third parties in the marriage. I pray that you can both find counseling, that somehow, she will end this relationship, and that you both can work these things out–that possibly might require you to seek counseling for your controlling ways, too. There’s so much to marriage–I can only offer what I see from your thread, but I will keep you all in my prayers. This must be very tough for you, and your family.😦
 
Rusty,

Tell her you will NOT give up on your marriage, your children, or her. And then, court her like crazy. Shower her with love, affection, and attention. Set up dates. Keep her so busy that this other friend will fade away.
 
Thank you all for the responses.
I have told her that I will not give up for two reasons, the children and my love for her. I could never love another like I love her. She is a part of me!
I will have to decide how to handle the “friend”. I believe the best thing for now is more communication with my wife concerning their relationship and how it is tearing our family apart.
I will try to update this thread when possible.
Thank you again for all the prayers and advice, I will need them.
God Bless.
 
I will have to decide how to handle the “friend”.
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How about looking that joker up and explain to him she is wife and a mother of four, and why he thinks its ok for him to at best(worst?) be in a emotional relationship with YOUR wife.

He needs to hit the road. But then again I’m old school.
 
Believe me, I would like to tell him many things but that would only make things worse between my wife and me. She says he is a Christian (non-Catholic) but why would a true Christian seek a friendship like this when he/they should know it is wrong? I hope we will be able to find time alone today to discuss this. I could use a good nights sleep. It’s been awhile…
Thank you again.
 
BamaRider said:
How about looking that joker up and explain to him she is wife and a mother of four, and why he thinks its ok for him to at best(worst?) be in a emotional relationship with YOUR wife.

He needs to hit the road. But then again I’m old school.
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I agree. I would contact him and ask what his relationship with your wife was all about.
 
I am confused has she said that she is leaving you for this man? Or is she just providing some much needed support to a friend? I’ve got several male friends who my dh has no issues with my talking to even when we were struggling in our marriage. If my dh ever approached one of them without my knowledge I’d be extremely upset.

I’ve seen the effects that controlling and manipulative behaviour can have on a relationship and its ugly. I also don’t know many people that can change overnite, and while you’re working on I am sure old attitudes die hard. You’re very lucky that your wife has put up with the emotional abuse for so long. If you’ve started to change I agree with poster that said you should start dating her all over again.

I always find these threads interesting because we of course only know one side of the story.Your dw hasn’t posted hers and we’re all willing to jump on the bandwagon that he’s right and she’s wrong without knowing the other side.
 
rider54 said:
After 21 years of marriage my wife told me she has lost feelings for me because of the way I have treated her. I am not Catholic but will become one next Easter. My wife has been Catholic all of her life and she is very dedicated to her faith. I’ll try not to go into too many details but I do take the blame for most of what has happened.
The reason for her feelings is due to me being too controlling and manipulative for some time now. I didn’t realize what I was doing! Not until I started learning more about the Catholic faith and virtues. I just pray that I have not ruined my marriage. We have a beautiful family (4 children) and have had problems before but nothing like this. I am dealing with my problem now but my wife has found a new “friend” who is divorced and looking (about 2 weeks ago). He has asked my wife if she has any friends that would be interested in him. Long story short, this has led to phone calls every day and emails. (and occasional meetings) My wife has given me all of this information but not before some of it slipped out. I have told her that I believe this “friendship” is not appropriate but she said she can choose her own friends. This is totally not like her! She has always followed the Catholic faith and finally got me interested in it. (She has tried for a long time but I was not ready, another story) I have spoken to our parish priest about my situation but my wife will not. She won’t even discuss counseling. My heart is broken and I’m not sure what to do next. I will not let her go! I love her and my children too much to give up!
Please help me decide what the next step is…
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Dear Rider, the story of your past marriage difficulties could be my story, as I have a challenging marriage, but my husband has not come around in his faith as you have. I respect you for owning up to your role in the difficulties of your marriage, and I am excited for you to be coming into the Catholic church.

If I try to put myself into your wife’s shoes, I imagine she has prayed and prayed for many years for this wonderful change to come about. She sounds like she has persevered through great challenges, and became accustomed to living in a strained environment. She likely had herself so braced for carrying that cross daily, that when that burden is finally being lifted away, I am sure she does not know how to exist in this new world. She has known chaos and pain, and now that the chaos and pain is going away, how will she live? How will she be?

I believe people actually get hooked on their pain, it is what they know. Even though this is what she has prayed for, it is the unknown. Maybe it is like the victim of childhood abuse who gets away and marries an abuser. Now that the hurt is gone, she has to stir up the hurt, to live what she knows. Make any sense?

I am sure she could not even identify why she is behaving ths way. I wonder what I would do if, one day, my husband owned up to his shortcomings as a husband, and decided to grow deeper in the faith that I have so desperately desired for him? Would I react, thinking “Now you change your tune! NOW you just think you can so easily start fresh?” Maybe I would relive the pain I had been carrying for so long. Maybe I would feel bitter.

I agree with the poster who said you really need to make it up to her - every day. Tell her you don’t blame her for losing faith in you, and that you are committed every single day of the rest of your life to making it up to her. I pray she will attend marriage counselling with you.

God bless you both.
 
Please let me clear up one thing, she has not left me, she tells me they (her and her friend) have common problems with spouses (ex spouse for him) and they talk about the problems. She says she feels comfortable talking with him. I trust my wife. It bothers me because she has never done this before. I have to trust in God that this will help our relationship. It is very difficult though.
We talked today. I repeated to her how she and the family are my life and I will never give that up. Like I said, they are the world to me!
She said she is only here because of the kids and she doesn’t know if that can ever change. She is nice to me in front of friends and family and doesn’t seem to get upset unless I ask to talk more about the problems. She once again refused to discuss counseling.
If God hadn’t shown his love for me, I don’t know where I would be right now.
Please don’t think my wife is to blame for these problems!
I take all the blame.
My youngest daughter (6) asked me this morning if we could take a vacation soon “as a family”. It broke my heart.
Please keep us in your prayers!
 
Her comiserating with another man will lead to trouble, first emotionally, and possibly physically. Ask her to go with you to talk to your priest. Hopefully she is not too far gone.

This is a dangerous friendship, and this man is giving her attention that she was missing from you. I hope you and she can get into some kind of counseling so you can save your marriage. Try Retrouvaille, or something, but this other man has to be out of the picture.
 
Your wife is having an affair. You are in denial.

I say this bluntly and in hopes that you end it and save yourself terrible heartache.

You do have a right to who your wife sees.

It is absolutely inappropriate for her to ‘see’ another man.

She must have no contact with this other man. Don’t trust her. Her mind is clouded with this ‘new’ man who ‘understands’ her.

If it is not physical yet it soon will be.
 
I suspect the “controlling and manipulative” speech she gave you is bunk. That is a charge that is impossible to prove wrong and one that a number of owman will use on a man. It is similar to a man saying that his wife “no longer meets my needs” to justify an affair. Bunk. Do not accept these charges without discussing them. Do not take the blame for her adultry. Having a blanket charge of “controlling” thrown at you means you have lost the battleground. She is controlling the parameters of the fight now. Redefine them to be about your marriage, your joint commitments and what is right in the eyes of God. Do not allow her to paint you as something you are not. It took me years to realize that these charges are crushing to a man and almost impossible to overcome. Even years later, I have no personal self-esteem and think I am a worthless pile of garbage because I allowed my wife to use those terms on me unjustly. If they don’t apply reject them; if they apply slightly or infrequently, talk about them. Do not take those labels on yourself without cause.

She needs to be reminded of her commitments. She needs to break off her affair right not. Perhaps it’s only emotional now, but it will get worse.

Love is a choice and a feeling. Ask her if she is willing to choose to love you - as she is commanded to do. Her “choice-love” is due you as her husband. Her emotional love is something she might not control, but if she makes the right conscious decisions, then her involuntary feelings may change again. Don’t give up hope there and don’t let her use feelings as an excuse to end a marriage. There is no right to divorce over feelings.

As to the person who said court her like crazy - I disagree 100%. Do not reward her sinful and hurtful behavior. She needs to change and she needs to be called back to her real life. Then, when she is recommitted and away from the lust and excitement of new love, you can try to start again. If you just start acting like a love-sick puppy, she will lose any respect she has left for you.

Be a man, but not a jerk. Stand up for yourself and your family in a loving way, but not a weak or pathetic way. Show her the right way and pray for her. do not compete with this man, expose him (and her) for the lies and ugliness they are. Lastly, do not let her label you for her own convenience. Fight like a Christian man. Fight for her, your family and for yourself, but as a Christian man, not a worldly one.
 
The problem I have is after 21 years, your wife says she doesnt feel the same about you. What really bugs me is this guy just seems to be in the picture. I dont want to accuse your wife of anything, but… Something is either going down or will be soon. If she isnt cheating on you she will soon. Even if its in your mind its cheating. The problem is there isnt much you really can do but pray. Because you can be the perfect husband now, but it wont matter, if she wants to cheat she is going too. But i agree that you may have not been the perfect husband, but if you never cheated on her you cant take all of the blame for this either. Yes you can take the blame for your faults, but not hers. I would say it is what it is. If you want out then go, but once you do have you fun dont come back, it you say its over its over. I would not hold her hand in this either and baby her, this is a sin, and if she goes through with it its hers sin. And trust me if she does go through it, things will never be the same. Never, and i would let her know that. You may never be able to get past this.
 
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