My Wife Hates My Mother

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Sam85

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Hi everyone,

My wife and I got married in 2012, after being separated for four years due to long-distance - she’s from Korea, and we only visited each other once a year due to this. A month after we got married, I was preparing to leave for a job out-of-state, but my mother, who was apparently going through some separation anxiety, came over one night and demanded access to our bank account. In so doing, she yelled at my wife and me, and this has been a thorn in my wife’s psyche for two years.

I apologized to my wife for this behavior, and I have repeatedly told my mother to apologize, but to no avail. Two years later, my wife still despises her, and does not want to see her or the rest of my family in general. On various occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, etc., my wife becomes very angry when I tell her I am getting a small gift for a member of my family (or no gift, to assuage my wife’s anger). Moreover, she does not want to spend any time with my family during holidays - she tells me if I want to see them to go alone - and it even bothers her if my mother calls.

My wife and I recently discussed children, and she said she does not want them to spend time my family. My mother is of the hoarder type as well, and my wife said our children would not be allowed over there anyway due to its haggard appearance.

My mother was wrong for treating my wife like that when we first got married, and I stopped visiting her as often (we live two houses down, so I maybe see my mother once every two weeks), or even picking up her calls. If I try to do anything decent for my folks - since my wife hates it when I buy them gifts for holidays - I just take them out to eat, without my wife - I get it at home. But then I feel terrible. I feel like I am in the middle, and when my wife said our kids could not spend much time with my family, I became scared. I hear all of these cliched stories of a parent coming home and the spouse has left with their child, having taken them to the spouse’s country of origin. I’m not sure what to do now, am definitely afraid to have kids because of this.

I appreciate any help.
  • Sam
 
I am concerned here for a couple of reasons.

First of all, you need to be aware of VISA scams when marrying internationally.

Second, it IS a red flag if your wife is acting very differently after marriage versus before marriage.

Third, why would your mother suddenly demand access to your bank accounts? That is an odd request I do not understand.

So, there are two issues here:
  1. Is your marriage for real and
  2. How to deal with your family as it relates to interacting with your wife.
In regards to the marriage, if you have to come on-line and ask for advice on that, it says that you don’t trust your wife, and speaking frankly, maybe you don’t have a reason to.

International marriages come with risks and are often a headache which is why a lot of people don’t follow through on them.

I think what you need to do first of all is really consider just how real this relationship is for you from the beginning. Did your marriage happen quickly? Were you pressured into it? Did she get defensive when you asked probing questions?

and I’m going to tell you right off the bat to absolutely ignore anyone who says “gee, I married someone internationally and had no problems, therefore you’ll be fine.”

You are perhaps right to be concerned given how little you knew the woman before the marriage, but understand that by having such concerns means you don’t trust her all that well.
Unfortunately, the way your mother has been acting has thrown a wrench into any discernment of your marriage because frankly, your wife has good reason to be upset with her and even limit interaction of kids with your mom because if she’s hoarding, she clearly has mental issues that need to be addressed.

I don’t think though I can say that this situation alone means your foreign is about to leave the country with any kids, because IF that WERE the plan I can pretty much promise you it would have been planned long before you two were married. And these kinds of scams can take years to fully manifest.

So, back to the relationship again, if its your concern, then you need to do some serious reflection and prayer and above all else do NOT make excuses for her.

But this whole deal with your mother would not be the single catalyst to send her and your kids out of the country; that would be part of a deeper problem like a pre-planned VISA scam.

That is the start of what I can say about this, and if you need to post more, by all means feel free to do so.
 
I think you should speak to a priest to see if this marriage is valid or not. The whole thing sounds a bit strange, to be very honest. The entire family dynamic is very unhealthy. So much desire for control and manipulation, both from your mother and your wife. I think you are right to be worried about having children in these circumstances.

I’m sure there is a lot more to the story and of course, you are under no obligation to share any of it here. But that is why you should discuss it with someone trustworthy who can give you good advice.
 
Your wife won’t speak to your mother, and she lives two houses away? :eek:

Yes, please go talk to a priest. There are issues here that are likely beyond the collective wisdom of the internet.
 
I would not put the blame entirely on your wife. Your mother has the opportunity to apologise.

The title of this thread could also be-"-my mother crossed the line with my wife and refuses to apologise, and it has created problems."
 
No one has mentioned this yet, so I will.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
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Genesis 2:24, confirmed by Jesus as recorded in Matt. 19:15 and Mark 10:5, and by St. Paul in Eph. 5:31.

If your mother chooses to make herself obnoxious, that’s on her, not on your wife. Your number one attachment now is to your wife and to your future children, and both your mother and your wife need to be made aware of that beyond any shadow of doubt.
 
Sam85 said:
Hi everyone,

My wife and I got married in 2012, after being separated for four years due to long-distance - she’s from Korea, and we only visited each other once a year due to this. A month after we got married, I was preparing to leave for a job out-of-state, but my mother, who was apparently going through some separation anxiety, came over one night and demanded access to our bank account. In so doing, she yelled at my wife and me, and this has been a thorn in my wife’s psyche for two years.

I apologized to my wife for this behavior, and I have repeatedly told my mother to apologize, but to no avail. Two years later, my wife still despises her, and does not want to see her or the rest of my family in general. On various occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, etc., my wife becomes very angry when I tell her I am getting a small gift for a member of my family (or no gift, to assuage my wife’s anger). Moreover, she does not want to spend any time with my family during holidays - she tells me if I want to see them to go alone - and it even bothers her if my mother calls.

My wife and I recently discussed children, and she said she does not want them to spend time my family. My mother is of the hoarder type as well, and my wife said our children would not be allowed over there anyway due to its haggard appearance.

My mother was wrong for treating my wife like that when we first got married, and I stopped visiting her as often (we live two houses down, so I maybe see my mother once every two weeks), or even picking up her calls. If I try to do anything decent for my folks - since my wife hates it when I buy them gifts for holidays - I just take them out to eat, without my wife - I get it at home. But then I feel terrible. I feel like I am in the middle, and when my wife said our kids could not spend much time with my family, I became scared. I hear all of these cliched stories of a parent coming home and the spouse has left with their child, having taken them to the spouse’s country of origin. I’m not sure what to do now, am definitely afraid to have kids because of this.

I appreciate any help.
  • Sam
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You mother was overstepping her bounds demanding access to your money, and I can see where your wife would need to limit contact as a result of that and the fight.

Also, you live just 2 houses away. That’s very close if there are family problems. Too bad you couldn’t gain some distance from your mother so that your family could have a chance to develop with some boundaries.

There is also maritial counseling to help resolve other issues.

If I had a mother-in-law demanding access to my bank account, getting into a fight over it, I’d want to gain some distance, too.
 
Sam85 said:
Hi everyone,

My wife and I got married in 2012, after being separated for four years due to long-distance - she’s from Korea, and we only visited each other once a year due to this. A month after we got married, I was preparing to leave for a job out-of-state, but my mother, who was apparently going through some separation anxiety, came over one night and demanded access to our bank account. In so doing, she yelled at my wife and me, and this has been a thorn in my wife’s psyche for two years.

I apologized to my wife for this behavior, and I have repeatedly told my mother to apologize, but to no avail. Two years later, my wife still despises her, and does not want to see her or the rest of my family in general. On various occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, etc., my wife becomes very angry when I tell her I am getting a small gift for a member of my family (or no gift, to assuage my wife’s anger). Moreover, she does not want to spend any time with my family during holidays - she tells me if I want to see them to go alone - and it even bothers her if my mother calls.

My wife and I recently discussed children, and she said she does not want them to spend time my family. My mother is of the hoarder type as well, and my wife said our children would not be allowed over there anyway due to its haggard appearance.

My mother was wrong for treating my wife like that when we first got married, and I stopped visiting her as often (we live two houses down, so I maybe see my mother once every two weeks), or even picking up her calls. If I try to do anything decent for my folks - since my wife hates it when I buy them gifts for holidays - I just take them out to eat, without my wife - I get it at home. But then I feel terrible. I feel like I am in the middle, and when my wife said our kids could not spend much time with my family, I became scared. I hear all of these cliched stories of a parent coming home and the spouse has left with their child, having taken them to the spouse’s country of origin. I’m not sure what to do now, am definitely afraid to have kids because of this.

I appreciate any help.
  • Sam
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  1. Marriage counseling to talk about future children and their upbringing and appropriate boundaries with your parents.
  2. Move further away from your parents.
  3. Talk to your mom about apologizing to your wife. New brides, like pregnant women and new mothers, never forget unkindness or slights.
  4. Do a family budget with your wife and budget gifts for your family in advance. (Allow more for your wife for postage to Korea, of course.) Tell her that you don’t begrudge her the gifts she sends to your family and she should not begrudge the ones you send to your family. Fair is fair. Make sure each of you has “fun money” for frivolous expenses, and explain the concept to your wife.
  5. Make sure your wife is able to travel to Korea with some predictability (every year, two years, three years, whatever). She probably resents the fact your hoarder mom is a couple of houses away, while her wonderful family in Korea and her friends are thousands of miles away. I guarantee you that is in her thought process. Budget this. You might, for instance, save $50 a month for your wife’s travel if you have a low income, or substantially more if you are well off.
  6. Ask your wife how she is going to feel if you go out to dinner with your parents while she sits home with babies after sitting home with babies all week. Isn’t she going to resent it bitterly? Suggest to her that it’s worth her while to have a better relationship with your parents. (Obviously, if they are hoarder types, babysitting is not in the cards.)
  7. Schedule your help to your parents and put it on your family calendar. Make sure you do something nice for your wife that day, too. For instance, you can help your parents on Sat. morning and then take your wife out Saturday night and make sure you mention the two plans at the same time.
  8. Don’t be overdoing the “help” if your parents are able-bodied and financially stable. If you spend more time maintaining their house than maintaining your house, you are screwing up.
 
That’s also rough only being able to see your wife once a year?

Your wife has been through a lot between that and your mother and your mother’s also having obsessive compulsive disorder (hoarding), apparently untreated.

Help your wife, first. She’s been neglected for a very long time and been mistreated by your mother who is also unapologetic.

If I were in that position, I’d probably want to go back to Korea, too.
 
By putting your mother above your wife for a long time, and its taken its toll. There may also be some jealousy there. Well, you would only see your wife once a year for 4 years and probably saw your mother, what, at least monthly, weekly?

Your wife has a right to be angry. Well, if your mother is also unapologetic, it isn’t just in the past but in the present.
 
IMHO, I feel like the wife was made out to be the “bad guy” in the original post. International marriage or not, the last thing any wife wants is to be second to her mother-in-law. And if the mother-in-law lives two doors down, there is an even greater cause to set even more firm boundaries. And coming in the house and demanding access to bank accounts? No wonder the poor woman is laying down the law!

I grew up in a family of mentally ill people, one of whom is my own mother, and I am glad to be across the country from them now. Though their mental illnesses are much milder than the OP’s mother’s, they still lead to behaviors that are difficult to deal with. I cannot imagine living two doors down from them! I have reservations of letting my own daughter spend excessive time with them - yes, with my OWN mother. I personally would not want my child spending ANY time with a hoarder. So I can see exactly where the OP’s wife is coming from.
 
Maine52 said:
IMHO, I feel like the wife was made out to be the “bad guy” in the original post. International marriage or not, the last thing any wife wants is to be second to her mother-in-law. And if the mother-in-law lives two doors down, there is an even greater cause to set even more firm boundaries. And coming in the house and demanding access to bank accounts? No wonder the poor woman is laying down the law!

I grew up in a family of mentally ill people, one of whom is my own mother, and I am glad to be across the country from them now. Though their mental illnesses are much milder than the OP’s mother’s, they still lead to behaviors that are difficult to deal with. I cannot imagine living two doors down from them! I have reservations of letting my own daughter spend excessive time with them - yes, with my OWN mother. I personally would not want my child spending ANY time with a hoarder. So I can see exactly where the OP’s wife is coming from.
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At least not in the hoarders home.

One of our kids’ sets of grandparents is hoarderish, and I have had to take a firm line with regard to grandkid visits. I demanded a cleanup or the kids would not set foot in their house and they did it.

I agree that hoarderish grandparents really are not to be trusted with regard to safety or hygiene, so any visits to that house should be very well supervised. I once arrived for a visit to that set of grandparents with a toddler child, only to discover that the room we’d been allotted to stay in had a BB gun left out well within toddler grabbing range. When you are dealing with hoarder-type people, you can’t take anything for granted.
 
You need to quit being scared and decide who you are going to defend and how you are going to defend them.

You have dropped the ball with regards to your mother’s treatment of your wife–and, to be blunt, her treatment of you as head of your own household. You were newly married and it is water under the bridge, but as a rule do not allow anyone to come into your house and order you or your wife around. You are a man, and your family needs to treat you like one as a condition of having more contact with you than is expected for those who have not been introduced.

It is time to tell your mother that she must either apologize to you and to your wife for her behavior concerning your checking accounts and promise she will not do anything similar in the future, or you are going to have to cut off contact with her until she does. “I have tried to wait for you to calm down, I have tried to wait for you to see that this was unacceptable, and that has not worked. I have waited far too long. My wife and I deserve an apology and we deserve a promise that you will not do anything like that again. I’m done with being caught in the middle. I’m taking a side, and my side is that I will cut off anyone, even my own mother, if that person does not show my family respect, especially my wife. The door will always be open for you, but that is the condition. Apologize and give us respect in the future, or you will not be welcome.”

It is also up to you to make a decision about when you are or are not going to allow your wife to make unilateral decisions. If your mother’s home is so full of stuff that it is not safe for children, fine. You can hardly argue with your wife when she draws a boundary for the sake of safety. If your mother’s home is not fine enough for your wife, then not fine. Elders deserve respect even if they do not follow our standards. We don’t let them tell us how to do our housekeeping, and provided that they do not present a hazard to our children, we are not going to tell them how to do theirs. If your mother is verbally abusive to a child (including being abusive to their mother), then of course your wife can cut off contact between your children and anyone who is abusive. If she thinks your family simply isn’t “good enough” for her kids even though your family does not indulge in any actual vices, not so much.

In other words, defend what is right, and deciding which person’s position deserves defending will get a lot easier. Unless your wife is morally in the wrong and she is proposing an offense against Christian values, your wife’s preference wins. Don’t try to do halves; it will only get you torn to pieces. Why? Because people who get their way with you some of the time will always have to try you to see if they can push you over* this *time. *This will come to include your children, not just your mother!! *Draw your boundary–I favor what my wife wants unless I decide that what is right prevents it–and stick with it. You will teach others that your word is not worth crossing, because crossing you never meets with success, and you will be crossed far less often.
 
your mother demanding access to your bank accounts? that’s a bit over the line - not sure what kind of relationship you’ve had with your mother prior to marriage.

but for your wife to hold a permanent grudge. and to cut you off from your family. That’s extreme - a controlling behavior.

Catholic marriage? and do you have religion in common?
 
henpecked said:
your mother demanding access to your bank accounts? that’s a bit over the line - not sure what kind of relationship you’ve had with your mother prior to marriage.

but for your wife to hold a permanent grudge. and to cut you off from your family. That’s extreme - a controlling behavior.

Catholic marriage? and do you have religion in common?
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I think the behaviors of both the mother and the wife are extreme. Remember, though, we’re getting only a portion of the story.
 
Many years ago, when we were only dating, my (then future) mother in law did something completely inappropriate and out of line that really upset me. My husband, even though we weren’t even yet engaged, made it clear to her that she was never to do that again. I never got an apology, and I mostly put it out of my mind, but I still remember and it colors my view of her and how much involvement I want her to have with her grandchildren. But it also gave me an opportunity to see how my then-boyfriend would stand by me as his wife.

You missed an opportunity back then to step up and defend your wife, but you can still take that opportunity and show her that you are with her. Your wife didn’t really put you in the middle of anything; your mother did. It sounds like you have tried to be on both sides, and that needs to stop. Perhaps if you can prove to your wife that you are unwilling to tolerate any such behavior from your mother in the future, she will soften a bit even if your mother does not apologize. Your mother, at the moment, sees no benefit to apologizing since she still gets to see you and you haven’t set good enough boundaries. Make it clear to her that you have “left and cleaved”, and let her deal with that.

Oh, and I really hope you can move further away.
 
Lorelei12 said:
Many years ago, when we were only dating, my (then future) mother in law did something completely inappropriate and out of line that really upset me. My husband, even though we weren’t even yet engaged, made it clear to her that she was never to do that again. I never got an apology, and I mostly put it out of my mind, but I still remember and it colors my view of her and how much involvement I want her to have with her grandchildren. But it also gave me an opportunity to see how my then-boyfriend would stand by me as his wife.

You missed an opportunity back then to step up and defend your wife, but you can still take that opportunity and show her that you are with her. Your wife didn’t really put you in the middle of anything; your mother did. It sounds like you have tried to be on both sides, and that needs to stop. Perhaps if you can prove to your wife that you are unwilling to tolerate any such behavior from your mother in the future, she will soften a bit even if your mother does not apologize. Your mother, at the moment, sees no benefit to apologizing since she still gets to see you and you haven’t set good enough boundaries. Make it clear to her that you have “left and cleaved”, and let her deal with that.

Oh, and I really hope you can move further away.
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👍
 
Lorelei12 said:
Many years ago, when we were only dating, my (then future) mother in law did something completely inappropriate and out of line that really upset me. My husband, even though we weren’t even yet engaged, made it clear to her that she was never to do that again. I never got an apology, and I mostly put it out of my mind, but I still remember and it colors my view of her and how much involvement I want her to have with her grandchildren. But it also gave me an opportunity to see how my then-boyfriend would stand by me as his wife.

You missed an opportunity back then to step up and defend your wife, but you can still take that opportunity and show her that you are with her. Your wife didn’t really put you in the middle of anything; your mother did. It sounds like you have tried to be on both sides, and that needs to stop. Perhaps if you can prove to your wife that you are unwilling to tolerate any such behavior from your mother in the future, she will soften a bit even if your mother does not apologize. Your mother, at the moment, sees no benefit to apologizing since she still gets to see you and you haven’t set good enough boundaries. Make it clear to her that you have “left and cleaved”, and let her deal with that.

Oh, and I really hope you can move further away.
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It goes both ways, too. To have properly “left and cleaved” does not mean, for instance, that an adult has to allow anyone to show disrespect to his or her parents, not even their spouse. There is no reason that a spouse has any right to demand that. The spouse doesn’t have the right to have a vote in family affairs where the siblings alone are voting on something having to do with the care of the parents. The spouse only has a say with one sibling, and that is the one he or she married. A spouse can expect to be included in career decisions with a spouse, but should not expect to have any right to insert himself or herself in dramas going on at the place of employment of the other.

There are in-between things, such as what friends each one keeps and what sort of contact there is with extended family. Neither spouse has total control over that. It is both wrong for a spouse to think she can choose her husband’s friends or whether he gets to see his family and also wrong for a husband to decide that his wife’s opinion on these things ought to make no difference to him.
 
It feels as if something is missing from the story. You mentioned that you were going out-of-state for work shortly after your marriage. Is there a possibility your mother is concerned that this marriage is based on something other than love – perhaps, as one other poster suggested, for a visa? If so, could your mother have been concerned that your wife was going to drain you financially in your absence?

That said, her behavior was out of line, and Easter Joy has given, as usual, excellent advice.
 
I’m going to turn it around a little.
OP, if her mother demanded something so private and insulted you, what would you want your wife to do?

I couldn’t have a relationship with someone who insulted my husband and then refused to apologize for two years.
This is something I have zero tolerance for and it applies to everyone.
If they can’t be adult and respectful, they can’t be around.

The way things are now, the mother crossed the line, but the wife is the one being punished.
The mother gets exactly what she wants, she has her son, didn’t apologize, and she doesn’t have to deal with the son’s wife. And the wife gets to stay at home, all alone, literally continents away from her entire family, while her husband is off with his disrespectful mother.

Furthermore, it wasn’t actually disrespectful only to the wife, she demanded access to their account, so she actually disrespected both of them.
If she has issues with accepting that her son is an adult and letting go of control over him, this situation is not helping, since it is showing her that it is still possible to get her way and that she can still manipulate her son.
 
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