My wife/her ex-husband

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michael_quinlan

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My wife is afraid of offending her ex-husband because her children like him. He calls OUR home at all times of theday and night to talk to the children and this summer he stayed for a week at our home. I really have had enough! My wife is afraid that he will stop paying child support and that the children will be mad at her. What is the Catholic response to this mess?
 
I agree that this is really a pain and I can understand why you’d feel the way you do.

However, you married a divorced woman with children. The ex-husband came with the package and you knew that before marrying.

The Catholic response is to bear all burdens patiently and to pray for the graces necessary to deal with the ex husband and the stress it puts on you and your spouse.

As far as the ex husband staying at your house, that really seems a little much…and to have to tolerate it because your wife is worried about child support isn’t fun…but that is your step children’s father, and they have a right to see him … their lives have been uprooted and their sense of peace and security badly damaged.

It sounds like your wife realizes how destructive her divorce was on the children and now wants to spare them as much as is possible under the circumstances.

You may have to see this as your cross to carry.

(I assume you have been validly married to this lady? Were you able to have a Catholic wedding? Then the graces that come from this being a sacrament will help you get through these difficult times).

God Be With You,
Lisa
 
I think the kids should stay with him next TIME that he wants to stay a week at your house? Doesn’t he have his own place?

Looks like he needs a girlfriend or a wife unless the woman doesn’t want to have anything to do with his kids.

I don’t think that man realizes how needy he is that he has to call all the time and has to stay at your house for a week. I think he is asking for too much. He has to support his kids whether he wants to or not. There is a protection law for child support.

I think you should give the kids a cell phone that they can use when their dad calls if you can afford it. That way he will not be calling on your home phone.
You also need to tell your wife that her ex-husband is nolonger welcomed to stay at your house.

You have a right to your own privacy with your wife.
Each time the phone rings have your wife or kids answer the phone. You don’t need to be hearing his whimpy voice on the phone.
Eventually… the kids will start to have their own lives and will not want to be talking too much to their dad. You will be able to see it in their faces. I think it will be the kids who will be the ones who will eventually get rid of him.
Please feel free to send me a private message. I am on your side.
God helps those who help themselves. Lucy
 
There are some things that one needs to ‘accept’ in arrangements like these–so true. But, ex’s sleeping over is pretty over the top.

I would have a heart to heart with your wife about setting boundaries with her ex, and the reality is that he just can’t stop paying child support simply because he doesn’t get his own way, or doesn’t like something that she is doing. He has a responsibility, court ordered, to pay child support. Period. Your wife might be afraid because her ex has convinced her to feel that way, but you are her husband now, and it’s time to not let this ex come between you and your wife. He’s the children’s dad–and he has a responsibility to them. I commend you though for allowing him to spend the night–not many men would have done that–wow!:o I hope that things get better…pray together over this, that her ex becomes enlightened to accepting boundaries, and that your wife learns to stand up to him.

I agree with Markswife in the regard that perhaps your wife is trying to shelter the kids from anymore upheaval…and so, she allows their dad to be around a lot more. It’s a tough situation–no two ways about it!😦 I feel for you, your wife, and everyone involved.

You’re in my prayers.
 
LaLucia said:
I don’t think that man realizes how needy he is that he has to call all the time and has to stay at your house for a week. I think he is asking for too much. He has to support his kids whether he wants to or not. There is a protection law for child support.
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wow… why would you call a man who is calling his children “needy”? I call him involved and responsible.
LaLucia said:
I think you should give the kids a cell phone that they can use when their dad calls if you can afford it. That way he will not be calling on your home phone. You also need to tell your wife that her ex-husband is nolonger welcomed to stay at your house. .
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I agree with the cellphone. Regarding the sleep overs, although I personally would find it unbearable, its not just the wife and husband’s home, its the kid’s home too. They have the right to see their father one week a year and if finances are a problem, I’d rather the money go to the kid’s college fund, then to pay for an expensive hotel.
LaLucia said:
You have a right to your own privacy with your wife.
Each time the phone rings have your wife or kids answer the phone. You don’t need to be hearing his whimpy voice on the phone.
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Again, why characterize an involved father as whimpy??? I think it shows strength of character to get over the feelings of rejection and embarassment to call a house with your exwife and kids, where another man lives in order to stay connected with the children.
LaLucia said:
Eventually… the kids will start to have their own lives and will not want to be talking too much to their dad.
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Wow, I certainly hope not! You make it sound like this would be a good thing?!?!?!?
LaLucia said:
You will be able to see it in their faces. I think it will be the kids who will be the ones who will eventually get rid of him.
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With zero information about the conditions of the divorce, I find your language extremely harsh. Unless the father is an abuser, drug addict, or alcoholic, the step father has a moral obligation to the kids to help them stay connected. He is an adult, and he chose to be a part of this situation.
 
The original divorce wasbrought about because my wife’s ex-husband was unfaithful, an alcoholic, drug-abuser, and attempted to kill her.
 
attempted to kill her? documented? why does he have unsupervised visitation?

one poster asked the question: is yours a sacramental marriage?
 
Hi again Michael, Hummm…seems I am right about him being a loser. I think he puts words in your wife’s head about some sins that she has committed and is now black mailing her by saying she will tell you her husband about any dirt he has on her.
This is why she let him spend a week with her because he needed a place to stay at.
It looks like her ex-husband is still abusing your wife. I think he is more interested in getting money from her to buy drugs.
Your wife’s child support excuse is a lame excuse because the law can garnish his checks if he doesn’t make child support payments.

Sorry…everybody… for seeing things so harshly in this situation. I sensed there was something seriously wrong.
This whole family is being abused by this alcoholic, drug user, and wife abuser.
Michael, you need to go for family counseling and talk with a counselor with what is going on with the ex-husband. He could still be dangerous to your wife. You are being too nice and need to know what is really going on between your wife and her ex.

Everybody please pray for this family. They really need our prayers. I am so sorry and I will pray for you.
 
I’m sorry to hear that too, michael. But, really, a man who has abused and attempted to kill your wife shouldn’t be staying in your home. For the children’s sakes, and her sake…this situation needs to be changed, and boundaries need to be put in place. He sounds dangerous.😦

You’re all in my prayers.
 
Per a search of all your posts here at CAF I think what you are really asking is “Do I have to STAY married in this situation?”

(and yes, if he is a Eucharistic Minister his marriage is blessed in the Sacrament of Matrimony for all those asking. Well at least I hope so.)

I can’t answer you.

If you would like to live a religious life then you need to go to the powers that be and discern it with them. Vilifying your current wife won’t make your guilt any less. You took a sacrament. If you made a mistake – you did. What’s BEST for everyone involved? Discern that with your priest.

I just want to say sorry you find yourself where you are at. That you made a mistake. I am sorry for your wife. I am sorry for her ex. I am sorry for their kids. I am sorry for what you struggle. I am sorry you went through with a Sacrament and find yourself not willing to fulfill the promise. Sure you are in a sucker position, an ex staying at your house and all. BUT REALLY – it comes down to YOU. YOU have all the power in the world to stop it. You choose not to. You may not ant to be the “bad guy” but let’s face it, you are just the “sucker guy” at this moment. Say no, be a bad guy, then be a man you don’t mind waking up to being every morning. No matter WHO pouts about it. This is your home. This is YOUR marriage. THIS IS YOUR LIFE.

My prayers are with ALL of you.

Especially you, OP, as you discern what to do now. :signofcross:
 
KTC,
Good eye.

So Michael, you elsewhere asked if there are any orders that don’t have age requirements. And you think you missed your calling to the priesthood. And you married your highschool sweetheart after being apart for a long time.

So my question is one of sequence: if you were older when you met her and married, why didn’t you more actively discern priesthood in the years before you met?

Michael, my guess: the marriage is making you so miserable, fearing a lost vocation is a good and seemingly holy distraction.

Additionally, a divorced man who’s not had his marriage annulled isn’t free to enter any sacrament of vocation. Additionally, a spiritual advisor would have a lot of questions about your decision making process as evidenced by past performance.

KTC is so right. You’ve got this marriage. Figure it out, FIRST.

Prayers for you and her and ex and especially the kids. This sounds like a disaster to them. If their father is really as bad as you described in three short sentences, then the kids are surrounded by moderate to high levels of impetuosity. Kids need their adults to make stable, clear-headed, sacrificial decisions.
 
Well, the added details changes a lot as far as my perception of the situation.

I’d assumed as other’s had that someone who was an abuser, drug addict who threatened to kill his wife wouldn’t have had shared custody of the children and wouldn’t be allowed to stay in your house! The fact that there is shared custody and that the ex husband has stayed in your home, leads me to believe that either you all are making some really questionable, dangerous decisions, or that the details of your wife’s marriage were greatly exaggerated while building a case for divorce.

That said…the decisions were made. The divorce happened, you and she married, and now you have a responsibility to make the best of the situation. You have to think of what’s best for the children. If the ex husband is not a danger, if he’s not really a drug addict and potential murderer, than the kids should be able to stay with him in a shared custody arrangement.

If he is a danger to the children, then going to court to have his rights revoked should be fairly easy to accomplish. If he is in fact the menace that he is said to be. I’m just doubtful because of the fact that he’s staying in your home. That’s just really strange to me.
  • JMJ +
 
And that’s what I meant, KC. sorry. Somebody must have fed me decaf this morning because I’m tripping all over myself today. Still, good catch. The bigger picture materializes.
 
If this man is guilty of attempted murder, please check the details of his parole.

If that was hyperbole, then, it is the best of a bad situation if both mom and dad are part of the kids’ lives, you married her with kids, so find a way to be friends with this man.
 
monicatholic said:
And that’s what I meant, KC. sorry. Somebody must have fed me decaf this morning because I’m tripping all over myself today. Still, good catch. The bigger picture materializes.
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Argghh and I even typed KCT, but you typed KTC – ahh whatever we all knew who we meant! 😃
 
kage_ar said:
If this man is guilty of attempted murder, please check the details of his parole.

If that was hyperbole, then, it is the best of a bad situation if both mom and dad are part of the kids’ lives, you married her with kids, so find a way to be friends with this man.
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I totally agree.

Something is not adding up here.
Originally Posted by michael quinlan
My wife is afraid that he will stop paying child support and that the children will be mad at her. What is the Catholic response to this mess?
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Children of an alcoholic, drug addict, abuser would not typically be “mad at their mom” for limiting visitation. They would be happy with her for protecting them. They also wouldn’t be answering the phone at “all hours” when said alcoholic, drug addict, abuser was calling.

Finally, no woman in her right mind would choose money (child support) over her own personal safety (ie she would never let a man who attempted to murder her into her new home).

Without meaning to minimize your situation, somehow, I think there is another side to this story. At any rate I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Our marriage was a sacramental marriage. From early on in the marriage I tried to get her to go to counseling because a man tried to strangle her with a telephone cord. She claimed she doesn’t have the time. Restraining orders were issued but there were no witnesses to the attack. For all his verbal abuse as well as other abuse he is careful not to do it to the children. So my wife is the victim yet her children see him as"disneyland daddy" bringing gifts, money, etc.
 
My response to Michael’s family problem is that we all need to pray for the safety of him and his family. They are in serious trouble and totally need our prayers.

It is not up to us to judge what is going on in his family situation but to pray to God to please keep this family safe from that man that is causing this family problems.

I really feel that praying to God is all we can do to help.

Please everybody…Let’s all pray for this family. Lucy
 
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