My wife ignores one child, but spoils the other

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We have a son and a daughter, 16 year old twins, and she forgets about our son, and I’m tired of it. My wife spends all of her time on our daughter. My daughters very involved in dance, that’s great, I’m very proud, but my son is very involved in sports, which I’m also very proud of. My wife never goes to any of his games, but is there for every little thing having to do with dance for our daughter. Yesterday, the school’s football team was having their first practice, my son had to go, I was at work, and couldn’t take him. He’s mentioned it two or three times to my wife, she doesn’t get up in time to take him. When he finally woke her up 10 minutes before he was supposed to be there she HAD to get ready, just to drop him off, because she wasn’t going to stay there when she could be doing something for our daughter. I’m sorry, I’m just sick of this, I’ve mentioned it to her, and she says “That is not true! I treat him JUST as good as I do her!” I don’t know what to do anymore. Help?
 
Point out to her that this is your son’s perception, and so it needs to be addressed. You might also talk to your daughter (privately) about how she feels about the time each of you are spending with each of them. Father-daughter time is very valuable to young women, but mothers can forget that sons value time that their mothers devote to them. If your son got into the endzone and said “Hi, Mom!”, would she be there to see it? Twins can be very competitive, but they can be very empathetic, too, and become very uncomfortable when there is an unjust situation that affects their twin. Your daughter, if she is aware of an unequal situation, might be very uncomfortable with it.

Ask your wife to convince you that your son has an unfair view, and to be fair, keep track of yourself, too. You can both keep a log of where each of you goes and who you are with for two weeks. You can keep track of who you talk to, as well. If you are willing to examine yourself for how you spend your time, too, it might seem more fair to her. Who knows? Maybe you’ll all learn something!

BTW, my twins are boys, but one of their favorite things is when we all go out to dinner or breakfast, but separately, with each twin getting one parent all to himself. If you haven’t tried it, I highly recommend it! 👍
 
Organise for your son to talk with his mum about this.

She may not be fully cognizant of how her behaviour is affecting him which is why she is on the defensive with you. Coming directly from her son, she may react positively.

Maybe mum/son can do something together alone every other week, watch a movie or a basketball game etc.
 
When I first read the title to your post, I wondered if the kids were of different genders. And since they are, that makes every more clear.

I suspect this has to do with your wife’s past baggage.

Did she grow up in a poor family where they could not afford her to have ‘girl’ hobbies and thus she is living through her daughter?

Did she have a brother that was so athletic family time revolved around his sports leaving no room for her interests that she is just fed up and refuses to go to sporting events?

Does she have some resentment against you she takes out on your son?

Just telling her to spend more time with him is NOT going to work. Get to the root of the problem.

Also, there are other ways to spoil a kid. Is not going to his games the only injustice she commits? Does she give them equal amounts of money? Does she take turns making their favorite foods? Your wife might not go to his games but favour him in other ways.

And honestly, do you resent she is not there for your son’s games? Or do you resent that means more driving for you? Perhaps it is a division of chores that is the problem

Angie
 
The situation definitely needs to be addressed and corrected. Pray and seek a therapist if it is impossible to reason with your wife. (or better yet, a priest.)
 
OldTrad said:
We have a son and a daughter, 16 year old twins, and she forgets about our son, and I’m tired of it. My wife spends all of her time on our daughter. My daughters very involved in dance, that’s great, I’m very proud, but my son is very involved in sports, which I’m also very proud of. My wife never goes to any of his games, but is there for every little thing having to do with dance for our daughter.
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Many women (if not most) are indifferent to sports.

Granted, maybe she should go to a match now and then for his sake, but this doesn’t necessarily sound like “favourtism” to me.
OldTrad said:
Yesterday, the school’s football team was having their first practice, my son had to go, I was at work, and couldn’t take him. He’s mentioned it two or three times to my wife, she doesn’t get up in time to take him. When he finally woke her up 10 minutes before he was supposed to be there she HAD to get ready, just to drop him off, because she wasn’t going to stay there when she could be doing something for our daughter.
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Does she actually need to stay with your son?

If not, and she had to settle another, more involved errand…then it makes sense that she prioritised one task at the expense of the other.

If anything this sounds more like a timing or memory problem, given that she’s not involved in your son’s routine and you say it was the first meet.
 
This is well beyond what you can do by yourself at this point.

1st: I would recommend that you try to find a** family councilor**. Often the Church or the Chancery office will have a list of good faith based counseling services. Your Wife is denial and you are angry with her, neither state of mind will allow this to resolve without some help. Trust me I know about this from the Kid’s perspective. Doing this will also give your son a neutral ground to tell Mum how he feels should he want/need to which will never happen in the home!

2nd: Have your house blessed by the priest. Ask him to bring the holy water and the blessed chalk too and do the whole house.

3rd: The two of you need to have a “Date Night” get a sitter, go to dinner and entertainment (even something simple like a walk in the park). No talking about the kids.

4th: The two of you need marriage counseling. This is above and beyond the family counseling. Anytime a Husband and Wife start ignoring each other’s concerns there is a cancer in the relationship. I don’t use the term cancer lightly either, this will grow and without help you will have a difficult time resolving this… and don’t expect this to be easy either! There are going to be issues raised that will anger the other person and visa/versa so go with an open mind and a desire to get the marriage healed and healthy.

Finally (but not least, in fact in conjunction with all of the above), Grace before meals, confession, Mass, adoration, and more prayer.
 
Anglewannabe said:
When I first read the title to your post, I wondered if the kids were of different genders. And since they are, that makes every more clear.

I suspect this has to do with your wife’s past baggage.

Did she grow up in a poor family where they could not afford her to have ‘girl’ hobbies and thus she is living through her daughter?

Did she have a brother that was so athletic family time revolved around his sports leaving no room for her interests that she is just fed up and refuses to go to sporting events?

Does she have some resentment against you she takes out on your son?

Just telling her to spend more time with him is NOT going to work. Get to the root of the problem.

Also, there are other ways to spoil a kid. Is not going to his games the only injustice she commits? Does she give them equal amounts of money? Does she take turns making their favorite foods? Your wife might not go to his games but favour him in other ways.

And honestly, do you resent she is not there for your son’s games? Or do you resent that means more driving for you? Perhaps it is a division of chores that is the problem

Angie
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It is a problem for their son. That is the issue. If her son thinks the issue is more time, then until she and he come to an understanding, then issue is more time. If they come to an understanding, the father can let it go (periodic monitoring of both children concerning whether there are issues they are not talking about or not feeling listened to about being presumed).

If this issue were in my family, I’d keep it on the level of how our child is feeling about how my spouse and/or I are parenting, not what I think our child ought to be feeling. It would also be a good idea to keep this on a level of monitoring how both children feel about both parents, rather than putting one child and one parent on the spot as being the most important.
 
Bezant said:
Many women (if not most) are indifferent to sports.

Granted, maybe she should go to a match now and then for his sake, but this doesn’t necessarily sound like “favourtism” to me.

Does she actually need to stay with your son?

If not, and she had to settle another, more involved errand…then it makes sense that she prioritised one task at the expense of the other.

If anything this sounds more like a timing or memory problem, given that she’s not involved in your son’s routine and you say it was the first meet.
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No, she doesn’t need to stay with him, but does she need to stay with my daughter? Where she just sits and watches. I’m not saying that it’s “favortism” I’m saying that she wants the best of the best for our daughter, but doesn’t care if it’s the best for our son.
 
Anglewannabe said:
When I first read the title to your post, I wondered if the kids were of different genders. And since they are, that makes every more clear.

I suspect this has to do with your wife’s past baggage.

Did she grow up in a poor family where they could not afford her to have ‘girl’ hobbies and thus she is living through her daughter?

Did she have a brother that was so athletic family time revolved around his sports leaving no room for her interests that she is just fed up and refuses to go to sporting events?

Does she have some resentment against you she takes out on your son?

Just telling her to spend more time with him is NOT going to work. Get to the root of the problem.

Also, there are other ways to spoil a kid. Is not going to his games the only injustice she commits? Does she give them equal amounts of money? Does she take turns making their favorite foods? Your wife might not go to his games but favour him in other ways.

And honestly, do you resent she is not there for your son’s games? Or do you resent that means more driving for you? Perhaps it is a division of chores that is the problem

Angie
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My wife grew up with an older sister, and an older brother. The sister 7 years older than here, and the brother 9. She’s never talked about doing without, and I don’t think she ever has, but then again, who knows.

We only give our kids money during the school year for their lunch everyday, we feel, if they don’t use it all, then save it up, and buy what you want. No, she does not take turns on their favorite food, for their birthday, we went shopping, and my daughters favorite food is Italian, so my wife made sure we had two Italian meals.
 
OldTrad said:
No, she doesn’t need to stay with him, but does she need to stay with my daughter? Where she just sits and watches. I’m not saying that it’s “favortism” I’m saying that she wants the best of the best for our daughter, but doesn’t care if it’s the best for our son.
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My dad was the same. He would drop me off at dance class but would stay and watch my siblings play football/hockey etc. it never bothered me- has your son raised the issue with you- does he see an issue? Also apart from sport/dance does she treat them the same?
 
Ral91 said:
My dad was the same. He would drop me off at dance class but would stay and watch my siblings play football/hockey etc. it never bothered me- has your son raised the issue with you- does he see an issue? Also apart from sport/dance does she treat them the same?
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No, she doesn’t, I just gave an example about the sports, because that was the issue of the day, that she doesn’t care enough to get him on time to the first practice of the season.
 
Is there a way you can do it as a family? If your son has a big game could you suggest you all go together - including your daughter?
 
Seriously people,
None of this touchy feel good is going to work.
No rationalization is going to help.

:banghead: I was a counselor many years ago for teens and have seen this mess over and over and over and over again in families. The boy is not going to express his emotions within the household - it is too politically dangerous. The Husband is already so deeply wounded that there is no rational way to discuss this within the household… he’s already tried and been ignored. Wife, she doesn’t see nor want’s to see that there is an issue here or we wouldn’t be discussing this matter in a blog! :banghead:

If you want to save this relationship then please do as I’ve suggested in Post #7.

This wound has already become infected, it is only a question of time before it becomes destructive.

:gopray2:OldTrad: I’m Praying for you ! :gopray2:
 
Maybe this isn’t a case of indifference toward the child, but indifference toward the activity. My mother had absolutely nothing to do with our sports. It was made clear from the very begining that if we were going to do it, our father was in charge or it. Near the very end, she did make an attempt at seeing some of my youngest brothers’ hockey games his senior year. Those were timed and indoors. On the other hand, she always did other activities with us that she enjoyed. Maybe a compromise could be reached and your wife could make an effort to do something special with your son, so he doesn’t feel your daughter is being favored. I would do your best not to encourage the idea that your wife likes her daughter more than her son. It is more likely that she likes dancing better than sports.
 
“Maybe this isn’t a case of indifference toward the child, but indifference toward the activity.”

Yes! I think she could do a better job of faking it, but I would have an awful time if my kids were deeply into activities that bored or annoyed me. I am very happy to have so far escaped having kids who are big into music or sports.

You guys probably need counseling (maybe even just with your pastor), but it’s no good for you guys to be divvying up the kids by gender. They both need both parents.
 
EasterJoy said:
It is a problem for their son. That is the issue. If her son thinks the issue is more time, then until she and he come to an understanding, then issue is more time. If they come to an understanding, the father can let it go (periodic monitoring of both children concerning whether there are issues they are not talking about or not feeling listened to about being presumed).

If this issue were in my family, I’d keep it on the level of how our child is feeling about how my spouse and/or I are parenting, not what I think our child ought to be feeling. It would also be a good idea to keep this on a level of monitoring how both children feel about both parents, rather than putting one child and one parent on the spot as being the most important.
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I TOTALLY understand the point you are making and I would have probably replied something similar had the OP said ‘My son is always complaining that his mom treats his sister better.’ But that is NOT what I got from the OP. I got that it bugs the OP that the daughter is being treated better. It appears the son’s only complaint was that he was going to be late for his activity and didn’t care if mom was going to watch
 
Bezant said:
A little speculative, don’t you think?
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As I noted: I was a counselor for teens when I lived in California. I have seen this happen many times (I was involved with perhaps a few hundred families and teens over the course of several years)… speculative, perhaps.

However, based on my training and actual observation of family dynamics, and my understanding of human behavior, perhaps not as speculative as one might think. IMHO, family counseling is required and marital counseling is required. This family needs to pull back together and that starts with the Mom and Dad.

I would go so far as to state that if there is a Family Counselor and or Marriage Counselor reading this, I beg them to either confirm or deny what I have said.
 
Sorry, you don’t go to recitals, sports matches, dance competitions, class field trips, science fairs, choir performances, karate lessons and tournaments, school festivals etc. based on how interesting you’ll find them. You don’t go for your own entertainment.

You go to support your kids and show them you love them. Even if you don’t understand or share their passions.

You want your kids to stop talking to you? Stop showing interest in their activities, the things that they enjoy and want to talk about. They don’t see this as a one way thing, they won’t talk about other parts of their lives if you don’t want to hear about what’s important to them.

Kids understand that time is valuable, they treasure time with their parents. And they understand the message when they aren’t important enough for your time. They understand that you make time for the things that are important to you. If you don’t make time for them, they’ll know they are not one of those things.

Can your son get a driver’s license? If he can, it sounds like its time to get a car for him to drive. I know the teams I played for either cut or benched kids who couldn’t get to practises on time. No excuses.

If he can’t count on/rely on his mother, than he needs transportation he can count on. If his mom sees this as something they’d share, or both each have, the answer is no. This isn’t a reward, or a favoritism tit-for-tat privilege. Its a simple solution, if you can afford it, to a practical problem- meeting his committments to his team.
 
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