My wife is abusive

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Kel3at

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Hi everyone,

I recently got remarried after my first wife passed away. Been married for only two years. And my new wife has always been verbally abusive when we get into arguments but recently she has started to get physically abusive too. She got upset at me recently and started to threaten to leave followed by verbal insults and screaming. Then she started hitting me and kicking me. I tried to just hold her back from hurting herself and me but she was still able to kick and punch me in the face. She also grabbed a kettle bell and asked me how I would like to be bashed in the head with it.

I really do not know what to do. I felt like I should file a report on her but I know that would cause trouble for her. She was always prone to instant anger but now she has gone over the edge. She doesn’t even think that she is at wrong in any way. She feels that me and my kids have caused all of the problems and it’s my fault. She said that she hates me and has no respect for me at all.

She is a Christian woman that loves God very much and I love her very much too. When she is not angry she is very loving and caring. I am in shock with her actions. I know I’m not perfect but I can’t understand how she can turn so quickly from love to hate. Please pray for me for wisdom to do what’s right.
 
It sounds to me that you both would benefit from counseling by a professional Marriage Counsellor.
I strongly suggest that you consult with your Pastor or a Parish Priest for a referral to a Catholic Counsellor.
In the meantime, you should warn your wife that if she goes too far, you might call the police and press assault charges.
 
I can only give general advice because I do not know the extent of the abuse…Do you know what her home life was like growing up? Generally, that sort of behavior is learned. I highly recommend you make an appointment with your Parish priest to give you some guidance. They can help so much! Receive the sacraments of Confession and Holy Communion as often as you can, and pray for your marriage. All things are possible with God. I also recommend a novena to the Blessed Virgin Mary Undoer of Knots. I will pray for you.

JMR
 
“She is a Christian woman and loves God very much”. . . . .except for when she’s kicking and punching you in the face??:confused:

I’m sorry Kel3at, but loving someone doesn’t magically ward off personal injury. I would suggest getting far, far away from her.

You also mentioned “*my *kids” instead of “*our *kids”. Is your wife then a stepmother to your children? I would be equally concerned about her abusing the children at some point, especially since she appears to regard them with contempt.

Stepmother or biological mother aside - is receiving physical abuse an example you want to set for your children as to what constitutes acceptable behavior?

Saying a prayer for you.
 
Seek professional help. Calling the police is prudent if things get way out of hand, safety is important. Pray for healing and conversion of hearts. I’ll pray for you.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God. Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
 
Greetings Friend:

Have you contacted your Parish Priest about this Matter? Also, I would strongly recommend to speak to the authorities about her conduct. This does not seem like a relationship based on Love and Mutual Respect. If she has violent mood swings, she just might be a Manic. Do not allow this to go on Friend. I leve you with my Blessing.

Father Bob
 
Kel,

Have you tried to sit down with her when you are BOTH calm and discuss what is going on. You can start by explaining that you lover her very much, but when she start to get physical and abusive you start to question if your relationship is a health one. Yes it is harsh. But you really need to talk to her about this. I am sure you would never do so – but what if she hit you and you just lost it that one second and hit her back? Could you ever forgive yourself – properly not because you love her, so for her to be able to be abusive towards you and on a regular basis – when she is angry. Not only shows a lack of respect for you but love also. And if this does not change you will get to the point – just as a battered wife does – where the abuse outweighs the desire to stay married.

But I am not sure if you have children and will have kids with her, but would you want to take the chance that she would turn that anger and abuse to your child? Yes of course we all know that our spouse would never hurt our child, but it does happen.

As George has stated canceling for you both may be something to look into. Your wife defiantly should go and work out her anger issues.

I pray God grants you peace and strength to get past this.

Winter
 
IFile the report on her. She created this trouble for herself. Don’t wait for her to really hurt you.

Or if you don’t want to file a report, then leave the family home. A kettle could be lethal. You don’t need to live with that fear and abuse.

Maybe later if she gets serious about seeing a mental health specialist you can get back together, but for now you need to protect yourself.

Edit: and take your kids with you. If she attacks you it is only a matter of time before she turns violent against the kids. I have seen it happen.
 
Is this new? Was there some recent event that might be traumatic for her?
 
Report her. She is literally a danger to you and your kids. By not reporting her you are letting her actions go undocumented and allowing her to continue in her behavior. She could seriously harm herself or someone else unless she gets the help she needs and the first step is a paper trail.

After you have made the report I suggest either you leave (relative or friend who could take you in for a bit?) or have her leave and then tell her she can either go to counseling and deal with her issues or you have no choice but to file separation/divorce. Then stand by what you’ve said.
 
So sorry. Please make yourself safe right away. Counseling, therapy, medication are very
good ideas. You may need a restraining order.

If your marriage does not work out, you might try in the future for an annulment based on
a mental illness she may have or other grounds.

Praying for you. God bless you.
 
I’m going to suggest that you make an appointment with a really good therapist who could help you get perspective on your wife’s behavior. Do this on your own. Don’t drag your wife to therapy at this point. It won’t work if she’s not committed to it

It sounds like your wife might have either some deep emotional issues, mental illness and/or a personality disorder. I don’t know how well priests are equipped to assess these types of situations. I’m not saying not to talk to a priest about it, but I do think you need the advice of a mental health professional.

Edited to add: Unless you feel you or your children are in physical danger, I don’t suggest getting the police involved at this point. Do some research into abusive behavior - you could end up igniting a powder keg and making things so much worse. Seriously - find a good therapist to advise you.
 
You should separate for your own sake and for the sake of your children. Maybe there will come a day in the future that you can reconcile, but as long as she poses a threat to you and your children you have an obligation to remove yourselves from the situation. Do not allow your kids to remain in a dangerous situation one day longer than they must. Yes, you are of course worried about how such a separation will affect your wife, but you should be even more worried about how failing to separate may effect your kids and yourself. Do not remain in an abusive situation like this, it is dangerous for both you and the kids.
 
Abuse is completely unacceptable. It sounds like the only thing that will help your wife now is a wake up call, which means either calling the police the next time she become physically aggressive, or sitting down with her and telling her that you both need to attend marriage counseling, and if she refuses, then you will leave and take the kids with you until she gets help. If you decide to do the latter, prepare for a nasty backlash in which you may just have to call the police anyway. Either way, your wife is not just going to snap out of this. She needs professional care and a firm, but loving husband who will get her that help before she irrevocably damages her relationship with you and the children.
 
George_Stegmeir said:
It sounds to me that you both would benefit from counseling by a professional Marriage Counsellor.
I strongly suggest that you consult with your Pastor or a Parish Priest for a referral to a Catholic Counsellor.
In the meantime, you should warn your wife that if she goes too far, you might call the police and press assault charges.
Click to expand...
???

Get counseling later.
Don’t “warn”
Get out of the house now, before you are a deadly statistic of spousal abuse.
How many sociopaths make up, promise to be nice, and then do something horrible.
Man or woman, your personal safety comes first…leave immediately!
 
Kel3at said:
Hi everyone,

I recently got remarried after my first wife passed away. Been married for only two years. And my new wife has always been verbally abusive when we get into arguments but recently she has started to get physically abusive too. She got upset at me recently and started to threaten to leave followed by verbal insults and screaming. Then she started hitting me and kicking me. I tried to just hold her back from hurting herself and me but she was still able to kick and punch me in the face. She also grabbed a kettle bell and asked me how I would like to be bashed in the head with it.

I really do not know what to do. I felt like I should file a report on her but I know that would cause trouble for her. She was always prone to instant anger but now she has gone over the edge. She doesn’t even think that she is at wrong in any way. She feels that me and my kids have caused all of the problems and it’s my fault. She said that she hates me and has no respect for me at all.

She is a Christian woman that loves God very much and I love her very much too. When she is not angry she is very loving and caring. I am in shock with her actions. I know I’m not perfect but I can’t understand how she can turn so quickly from love to hate. Please pray for me for wisdom to do what’s right.
Click to expand...
  1. Get yourself and the kids out of there.
  2. Make it a condition of moving forward that she get a complete medical work-up to see if there are any medical issues - there very well could be.
  3. Depending on the results of the medical work-ups, seek counseling and anger management.
  4. Under no circumstances move back in and expose your children to this woman until these matters are resolved.
If the above does not work - you may have no choice but to divorce.

Sorry to be so blunt - and I truly hope things work out…but that is what I see here…

Peace
James
 
This ought to be treated just as it would if a man did this to his wife. Women report being the victims of physical abuse more often than men do, but when it comes to severe or deadly violence, the women are more on par with the men. IOW, take her threat to bash your head in very seriously. Women do kill their husbands in a fit of anger; it doesn’t just go the other way around. (There was a CDC survey in 2010 that was just published, if you want to see the evidence.)

More to the point, it is considered child abuse for a child to have to witness the verbal or physical abuse of another family member, whether it is a parent or a sibling. On no account should your children see you tolerating abuse.

Take your children and leave, or else get a restraining order kicking her out of the family home. Do whatever it takes, but if you can’t make yourself leave for your own sake, at least get out immediately for their sake. You are sitting on a time bomb, and her verbal abuse is eroding everyone in the house. You are more vulnerable to the symptoms of PTSD. On a spiritual level, you are a near occasion of very serious sin for her, too. Get away from her.

Can this marriage be saved? I don’t know. What I do know is that enduring more abuse won’t make its reclamation more likely. If you want to save your marriage, the abuse has to stop right now and forever. Period. (This includes the verbal abuse, which is very damaging for anyone to hear, but especially children.)

Just incidentally, under canon law the duty to live the common conjugal life is explicitly dispensed under the conditions you describe. A spouse who is in immediate danger or who is protecting children in immediate danger the authority to separate from the dangerous spouse with the bond remaining without any ecclesiastical permission. The Church gives you these rights and dispensation for a reason. Don’t hesitate, then. Act now.
 
EasterJoy said:
This ought to be treated just as it would if a man did this to his wife. Women report being the victims of physical abuse more often than men do, but when it comes to severe or deadly violence, the women are more on par with the men. IOW, take her threat to bash your head in very seriously. Women do kill their husbands in a fit of anger; it doesn’t just go the other way around. (There was a CDC survey in 2010 that was just published, if you want to see the evidence.)

More to the point, it is considered child abuse for a child to have to witness the verbal or physical abuse of another family member, whether it is a parent or a sibling. On no account should your children see you tolerating abuse.

Take your children and leave, or else get a restraining order kicking her out of the family home. Do whatever it takes, but if you can’t make yourself leave for your own sake, at least get out immediately for their sake. You are sitting on a time bomb, and her verbal abuse is eroding everyone in the house. You are more vulnerable to the symptoms of PTSD. On a spiritual level, you are a near occasion of very serious sin for her, too. Get away from her.

Can this marriage be saved? I don’t know. What I do know is that enduring more abuse won’t make its reclamation more likely. If you want to save your marriage, the abuse has to stop right now and forever. Period. (This includes the verbal abuse, which is very damaging for anyone to hear, but especially children.)

Just incidentally, under canon law the duty to live the common conjugal life is explicitly dispensed under the conditions you describe. A spouse who is in immediate danger or who is protecting children in immediate danger the authority to separate from the dangerous spouse with the bond remaining without any ecclesiastical permission. The Church gives you these rights and dispensation for a reason. Don’t hesitate, then. Act now.
Click to expand...
Yup!👍
 
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