My wife is addicted to porn

[Riley259]

Go to www.trueknights.org and www.dads.org for great advice on overcoming porn addiction. You might want to just sit her down and sincerely explain to her the harmful effects that porn will have on her, you, and your children. Ask her to do it for you because of her love for you and her family…and pray, pray, pray!

 

[LovedForever]

What a sad situation. For you, your wife and certainly your children.

I think you gave a big clue to your wife’s “lack of desire” when you mentioned she especially is interested in “lesbian porn.”
This is very far off the track of natural married love and sex and I think is a big indicator of just how deep your wife’s problem runs.

Of course she is not going to want to listen to any spiritual advice or suggestion. It “pricks her spirit” each time you mention it. The evil one dances in delight at the depths he has taken her into the pit of sexual perversion. Sorry to be blunt - but this is the true reality of what is happening to her and it cannot be minimized if you want to address it head on.

My heart aches for you and your family. I lift you up in prayer and pray for a miracle.
I would suggest a rosary EVERY DAY for her and your family. And ask St. Maria Goretti and St. Rita to intercede - for a miracle. It CAN happen!

You are wise to come here for support! You now have many praying for you and your wife and children.
God’s Blessings on all of you.

 

[Spirithound]

My wife, on the other hand, does not have much of a sexual drive at all…

This is a symptom of the addiction. I was addicted to pornography for several years (and it’s still a struggle). Pornography fosters a fantasy world, with “actors” who are increasingly viewed as objects. As the “actors” become more objectified, the addict finds it necessary to move on to harder, kinkier videos just to feel satisfied. So, a previous poster was partially correct in saying that she is perhaps sexually exhausted by the time she gets to you, but also she may not view you as fulfilling her current kink desires. (Since you are a Catholic man, living chastely in the context of marriage, this is most definitely NOT a mark against you).

Now, i’m worried of having material in the house that the children could find, such as videos and such. So, would it be less problematic to allow her to use the internet to view porn instead of buying materials that the kids could find? And what is a faithful husband to do, being addicted to sex as it is, while trying everything to avoid what i know is detrimental to our souls?

Do NOT use the internet!!! Your kids know how to use the internet better than you or your wife does (sorry for generalizing, but it’s probably true), and they WILL find it. If she has to buy her own stuff, she may be deterred somewhat (perhaps not, but we can pray). The only other advice I feel qualified to give you is to continue to love her. Always be gentle, and always look for that “teachable moment” where she might see how her addiction affects the kids. Please talk to your priest about this.
Oh! One more piece of advice that comes straight from my confessor. Put a filter on your computer, make up a random, super long alpha-numeric sequence for the password, then dispose of the paper identifying said sequence. (I recommend eating or burning it…remember to use non-toxic ink!)

So, now on to my question. Where can I find a free porn-filter for my computer? Any sites that meet with your various approvals?
Thanks.
Spirithound.

Blessed Mother, help us to live chastely. Amen.

 

[Black_Jaque]

If it were my wife I would fight this tooth and nail. I would throw out every book, video, or magazine I ever found (even if it was a smut novel). If I ever learned that the computer was being used the computer would get 1 1/8 ounce of birdshot through the monitor and the box.

Some things are “over my dead body”.

As a husband you have a duty to fend off evil from assailing your home. The most difficult battles are when that evil rides in on your spouse and hits you in a weak spot.

It may mean that your wife will get so angry that she’ll never have sex with you again. But you have to be willing to go to that extent.

Trust God when he said, “Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven, and all the world will be granted to you.”

What that means is, fight off the evil of porn as if you didn’t care if you never had sex again in your life, and in the end the Lord will grant you the most satisfying affection imaginable.

 

[StephanieC]

So, now on to my question. Where can I find a free porn-filter for my computer? Any sites that meet with your various approvals?
Thanks.
Spirithound.

Blessed Mother, help us to live chastely. Amen.

Here’s a previous thread that had a lot of suggestions for filters.

 

[Equus_Pallidus]

From one who spent 15 years in the bottom of a bottle, the sad reality is she will not stop until she hits bottom. You are in for a rough ride my friend and there is nothing you can do until she admits that there is a problem. Things to expect.

1. It will increase, she will need more and more
2. The problems it causes her, will be someone elses fault.
3. She will be blaming you and the Church for her problems
4. She will hit bottom and then you will have to treat her with loving care and get her help.

Don’t enable her or add to the problem. Don’t fight over it, she will know you don’t approve by you own actions of not viewing, and fighting in a household is bad for children. You will have to let it run its course without divine intervention.

Roseries are good Idea, and I recomend St. Jude.

Sorry, there is no cure, you found this out yourself, you had to change no one could make you.

 

[Equus_Pallidus]

If it were my wife I would fight this tooth and nail. I would throw out every book, video, or magazine I ever found (even if it was a smut novel). If I ever learned that the computer was being used the computer would get 1 1/8 ounce of birdshot through the monitor and the box.

Some things are “over my dead body”.

As a husband you have a duty to fend off evil from assailing your home. The most difficult battles are when that evil rides in on your spouse and hits you in a weak spot.

It may mean that your wife will get so angry that she’ll never have sex with you again. But you have to be willing to go to that extent.

Trust God when he said, “Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven, and all the world will be granted to you.”

What that means is, fight off the evil of porn as if you didn’t care if you never had sex again in your life, and in the end the Lord will grant you the most satisfying affection imaginable.

Yeah, and then she will go somewhere else to do it and end up bringing in disease.

 

[Equus_Pallidus]

Also I grew up with an alcoholic Dad the worse memories in my mind was dad hitting mom, or the walls. she would get on to him and he would go ballistic I would crawl under my bed at night. Once again don’t fight

 

[StCsDavid]

You can’t change her. The Holy Spirit is going to be your best friend on this deal.

Don’t support her habit, but don’t continue to constantly condemn her, either. She has a sickness of the soul. Treat her with compassion and love. Keep your disparaging comments to yourself. She knows how you feel.

Make sure the kids don’t have access to it.

One tactic that some might very well disagree with me is to watch a porn movie with her, but instead of getting turned on, laugh at how rediculous it is. Snicker at the parts that are supposed to be really hot. Chuckle at the horrible dialogue. Then she will see that porn just doesn’t do it for you. After your good laugh, ask her, “You really find this exciting?” Now the porn has turned from something you find desperately evil to something that’s just silly.

Communicate with her. Find out if there’s something she sees in those porn movies that she would like to have with you.

Pray, pray, and don’t stop praying. You have a big cross to carry, my friend. Conversion can happen to the biggest sinner. Pray for her conversion.

See if she will watch a video series by Christopher West called “Created and Redeemed.”

You are in my prayers.

 

[AntonMurphy]

One tactic that some might very well disagree with me is to watch a porn movie with her, but instead of getting turned on, laugh at how rediculous it is. Snicker at the parts that are supposed to be really hot. Chuckle at the horrible dialogue. Then she will see that porn just doesn’t do it for you. After your good laugh, ask her, “You really find this exciting?” Now the porn has turned from something you find desperately evil to something that’s just silly.

That is most definitely the worst advice I could imagine anyone would give. Reasons:

Pornography is inherintly evil, one cannot avoid sin in watching it.

The man is a recovered sex addict

A porn addict won’t care what others think about it. His wife would be gratious to watch it for any reason.

He’s trying to relay the message that its wrong, by watching it he’s saying its fine, just “silly.”

I am very shocked and even offended that you would offer this advice to someone. Obviously you have no understanding of sex or pornography addiction. I urge you to stop lending advice on such topics.

StPioFan, please continue in your struggle, as a fellow sex addict I urge you to remain strong in your battle. The devil wants you to throw in the towel. If I were in your position, I know I would be feeling intense temptation to give in. It might be an idea to see your Priest or sponsor for consolation.

PS Nothing present in porn movies should be brought into the marriage bed. By this I mean objectivity, self gratification, and selfishness.

 

[StCsDavid]

StCsDavid;1824385:

One tactic that some might very well disagree with me is to watch a porn movie with her, but instead of getting turned on, laugh at how rediculous it is. Snicker at the parts that are supposed to be really hot. Chuckle at the horrible dialogue. Then she will see that porn just doesn’t do it for you. After your good laugh, ask her, “You really find this exciting?” Now the porn has turned from something you find desperately evil to something that’s just silly.

That is most definitely the worst advice I could imagine anyone would give. Reasons:

Pornography is inherintly evil, one cannot avoid sin in watching it.

The man is a recovered sex addict

A porn addict won’t care what others think about it. His wife would be gratious to watch it for any reason.

He’s trying to relay the message that its wrong, by watching it he’s saying its fine, just “silly.”

I am very shocked and even offended that you would offer this advice to someone. Obviously you have no understanding of sex or pornography addiction. I urge you to stop lending advice on such topics.

StPioFan, please continue in your struggle, as a fellow sex addict I urge you to remain strong in your battle. The devil wants you to throw in the towel. If I were in your position, I know I would be feeling intense temptation to give in. It might be an idea to see your Priest or sponsor for consolation.

PS Nothing present in porn movies should be brought into the marriage bed. By this I mean objectivity, self gratification, and selfishness.

Okay, somehow I skimmed over the fact that he was a recovering sex addict. My bad. Mea culpa. Ignore my advice in that regard. StPioFan is right. Perhaps the devil made me miss that key point of your own addiction…or more likely, I just got in a hurry in my reading. My apologies if I offended. It was not my intent.

The other stuff I mentioned…prayer, showing compassion, the Christopher West thing…they might still be valid. And I would encourage you to get some marriage counseling from a good Catholic therapist or priest.

 

[littleone]

Brother you have a badie in the house and it isn’t she who you are fighting against. No! IT IS SATAN THE SPIRIT OF WITCHCRAFT , You have a host of other spirits there and it seems demomns that are pestering her and the family.
Seek a priest,
have the house blessed while she isn’t theree would be best. Have people pray, in the church we have intercessers, go to some of the ***charismatic ***group to pray over you. Make sure you spend time alone at home praying don’t put her down be polite to her, love her but DON"T give in to the spirits you are facing.
Gos bless.
littleone.

 

[Magicsilence]

When Mary greeted Elizabeth, she imparted the Holy Spirit to her, so great was her love for God.

Make it your aim to show her the Holy Spirit in your life.

Ask if she would be happy if the children knew what she was doing.

Ask her if she would be happy if her colleagues at work knew it.

Pornography is strange, in that people become addicted, but they don’t know why.

The reason is, sex is the ultimate in love between a man and his wife. Those addicted to pornography are really searching for that love, and when they don’t find it (since porn is nothing to do with love) they keep trying.

The ironic thing is, you are RIGHT THERE, and although she is searching for a union both physical, but ultimately spiritual with someone (you) she cannot see it.

Pray for her, I would be very sad if I were married and my wife had forgotten the vows made on the wedding day to ultimately love each other till death.

Pray that the Holy Spirit will open her heart and cleanse her of this conviction that has no reprieve.

God Bless,

 

[Black_Jaque]

Yeah, and then she will go somewhere else to do it and end up bringing in disease.

Huh?!?!?

What does this have to do with anything I said. If she’s on the road to infidelity, she’s gonna go that route whether you permit her to bring porn into the house or not. Besides, a disease can only kill your body, which is going to die anyway. Porn can kill your immortal soul.

Don’t fight over it, she will know you don’t approve by you own actions of not viewing, and fighting in a household is bad for children.

Porn is a great evil. And if it ain’t worth fighting against what is? Hell is real. We can end up there. It’s time we start acting like we believed it.

I suppose, we ought to clarify what we mean by “fight”. Do you mean specifically getting physical? Or do you just mean a loud argument? I don’t see a physical slug-match as necessary - that would be overkill.

 

[saintpiofan]

One tactic that some might very well disagree with me is to watch a porn movie with her, but instead of getting turned on, laugh at how rediculous it is. Snicker at the parts that are supposed to be really hot. Chuckle at the horrible dialogue. Then she will see that porn just doesn’t do it for you. After your good laugh, ask her, “You really find this exciting?” Now the porn has turned from something you find desperately evil to something that’s just silly.

LOL… sad to say, although i do not recommend this at all, i did try this once, to no avail. And even worse, even though i knew it was mostly fake, i still couldnt get the sounds or images out of my mind, nor could i erase the guilt from watching it even though i was trying to use it to show her the obsertity. She truely didnt care because, unlike normal intimacy that is usually shown and is most of the time obviously fake, she finds the lesbian intimacy attractive… and that stuff usually isnt as fake.

Thank you all for your great support and prayers… I truely need them alot, both for my wife and children, but also for myself because of my desires toward porn, and the need to resist it. Like Jesus said, the Spirit is willing, but the body is weak.

God Bless.

 

[StCsDavid]

I believe one of the sad truths about porn or any other kind of addiction is that one usually cannot think themselves out of it. The malady resides deep within the will. I recently rewatched that movie called A Beautiful Mind starring Russel Crowe. As I watched him struggle with his schizophrenia, it struck me that our sins that are of an addictive nature are very much like those voices of the schizophrenic. We either let those voices, or those temptations, take over our lives…or we learn to live with them and set them aside…one moment…one day at a time. We pray that Christ will destroy them or at least give us the strength to make peace them, learn new strategies to deal with the temptation, and compartamentalize the disordered urge out of our way.

 

[Trad_Catholic_1]

God did not send us into this world to fantasize over pornography. We were never intended for such a thing. We live in a world filled with suffering, poverty and pain, yet filled with the obsession of material and physical self-gratification.

A little less selfishness and a lot more genuine prayer would go a long way.

Yours in Christ

Paul

 

[st_ignatius110]

LOL… sad to say, although i do not recommend this at all, i did try this once, to no avail. And even worse, even though i knew it was mostly fake, i still couldnt get the sounds or images out of my mind, nor could i erase the guilt from watching it even though i was trying to use it to show her the obsertity. She truely didnt care because, unlike normal intimacy that is usually shown and is most of the time obviously fake, she finds the lesbian intimacy attractive… and that stuff usually isnt as fake.

Thank you all for your great support and prayers… I truely need them alot, both for my wife and children, but also for myself because of my desires toward porn, and the need to resist it. Like Jesus said, the Spirit is willing, but the body is weak.

God Bless.

Be sure to ask Saint Pio to pray for you. He is powerful against the devil.

 

[saintpiofan]

Sorry for bringing this question back up again, but talking about it helps me with carrying this cross.

I am realy confused as to how I am to think or act around my wife because of this. I know i am to love her as i love myself (as scripture says). But i am so upset that it’s hard to hold in the pain.

My wife totaly neglects our marriage when it comes to our sexual relationship, and it’s burdenning my heart so badly. I do all i can for my wife, and i show her i love her when-ever i can. But, as much as she shows me a loving relationship, she isn’t intimate at all. I so badly wish to be desired by her, but she only desires me if she can watch porn, or if i give her something in return (which makes it feel more like prostitution then a marital relationship).

She is a very loving person, but i dont want a puppy-love relationship, but a more mature, marital one. If you can imagine a spouse that sexually teases u, but never follows threw, that’s my situation.

I dont know how to act around her anymore. Some people say that a marriage shouldn’t be based on sex, but without it i dont know how to continue our relationship. I wont divorse her over it, but i dont know how to be happy around her either.

I truly feel like crying at times because i feel so cheated, not by God, but by the spouse i’m bound to. She doesn’t want me to tell her that it hurts me, or that it effects our relationship. She wants everything to go well between us while practicing abstinance. Nothing i have said or done has helped her to see the situation, because she openly admits that she likes to remain ignorant to truth of any kind, because it requires her to change then.

What gets me most upset is that i find myself daydreaming of a different relationship, which i DON’T WANT!!! I know there’s propably no more suggestions anyone can give me that can help this problem, but i’m ‘all ears’ if anyone would like to comment.

Thanx.

 

[contramundum7]

God is not going to send someone to hell for looking at porn…

If they don’t think it’s evil (and most people don’t, as it causes no harm other then as some people perceive it the subjective ‘objectification’ of women) then God’s not going to hold it against them.

Ask her why you don’t turn her on anymore and just beyond the porn, if she won’t have sex with you that might be a good thing to get counseling for. Don’t approach her like she has a problem, just say that she will never have sex with you and you think that you two should go to counseling to figure out why.

But seriously, it’s not this big scary war to get into heaven. If you are a nice, caring, respectful person, you will make it.

The 9/11 hijackers may be there if they didn’t know what they were doing, so consider that.