My wife is always stressed out

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Adamski

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Both my wife and I used to be stressed out all the time probably for good reasons in the first 5 years of our marriage we had three miscarriages, two children, we had an employee steal over a years income from us, her mom died, her dad has had 3 back surgies and keeps falling, her aunt died, I was not welcome at our non-denominational church as my faith developed and returned to the catholic church, along with problems helping both of our siblings that have many problems. Since my conversion to the jesus and his church and returning to the sacrements my stress level is really low even when problems happen. My wife has had our marriage blessed goes to mass about once a month and a evangelical church once in a while. (I go mass every week)

The big problem is when my wife gets angry/ edgy I can’t say or do anything to make her happy and it lasts for weeks at a time. During this time she always blames me for not having compassion or listening. I know I listen when I come home from work I never turn the tv on and always have at least one hour of one on one time listening when the kids are asleep. I pray that she would be cheerful she was so cheerful many years ago.

Any insight would be helpful
 
I don’t know that there is much you can do except pray for her, encourage her to pray to develop a more peaceful interior life… and then do what you can to cut down on some of the craziness that’s happened in your life. There is plenty that’s going to be totally outside of your control and you’ve got to just let that go. So does she.

Perhaps she is even stressed out by you NOT stressing out. Maybe it makes her feel like you’ve gone crazy. Or maybe she’s just jealous that your interior life is improving while she is still not experiencing the peaceful gift of the Spirit.

And that’s not to say that the feeling of tranquility is something she can receive if she just works at it enough. It’s a gift given freely. Even if she developed a very strong prayer life and converted to Catholicism and all that good stuff she STILL might not experience that tranquility. As I said, it’s a freely given gift that comes and goes as the Spirit pleases.

Three miscarriages and two children in five years is enough to drive anyone to distraction and build up great anxiety. Then you pour a whole heap of family and church-related troubles on top of it? I daresay she’s doing well to not have completely lost it.
 
Try praying to Saint Raphael, Joseph, or Jude. The best solution os to get her to go to Mass every week though. I totally know what you mean by saying the Mass calms you down, helps you put things in order, ect
 
Adamski said:
Both my wife and I used to be stressed out all the time probably for good reasons in the first 5 years of our marriage we had three miscarriages, two children, we had an employee steal over a years income from us, her mom died, her dad has had 3 back surgies and keeps falling, her aunt died, I was not welcome at our non-denominational church as my faith developed and returned to the catholic church, along with problems helping both of our siblings that have many problems. Since my conversion to the jesus and his church and returning to the sacrements my stress level is really low even when problems happen. My wife has had our marriage blessed goes to mass about once a month and a evangelical church once in a while. (I go mass every week)

The big problem is when my wife gets angry/ edgy I can’t say or do anything to make her happy and it lasts for weeks at a time. During this time she always blames me for not having compassion or listening. I know I listen when I come home from work I never turn the tv on and always have at least one hour of one on one time listening when the kids are asleep. I pray that she would be cheerful she was so cheerful many years ago.

Any insight would be helpful
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She certainly has been through a lot lately! 3 miscarriages, 2 children under five, major losses in death and illness with the dad. There is nothing really you are doing wrong and are trying your best. She should: 1. get checked by a Dr. for hormone imbalance,
2. probably get some counseling help to deal with the losses and changes and if that includes you in marital that would be all the better. Sounds like grief or adjustment reaction which therapy will help her with. God bless
 
The_Bucket said:
I don’t know that there is much you can do except pray for her, encourage her to pray to develop a more peaceful interior life… and then do what you can to cut down on some of the craziness that’s happened in your life. There is plenty that’s going to be totally outside of your control and you’ve got to just let that go. So does she.

Perhaps she is even stressed out by you NOT stressing out. Maybe it makes her feel like you’ve gone crazy. Or maybe she’s just jealous that your interior life is improving while she is still not experiencing the peaceful gift of the Spirit.

And that’s not to say that the feeling of tranquility is something she can receive if she just works at it enough. It’s a gift given freely. Even if she developed a very strong prayer life and converted to Catholicism and all that good stuff she STILL might not experience that tranquility. As I said, it’s a freely given gift that comes and goes as the Spirit pleases.

Three miscarriages and two children in five years is enough to drive anyone to distraction and build up great anxiety. Then you pour a whole heap of family and church-related troubles on top of it? I daresay she’s doing well to not have completely lost it.
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Very insightful, Mr. Bucket.

I’m the calm one…drives my wife crazy sometimes. It sure wouldn’t do any good for both of us to be off the rails at the same time! When she is back to normal, she is thankful I am the calm one.

OP, you have had a pretty rocky few years! Enough to make anyone on edge, especially when your refuge (the Church) is piling it on as well. Look up at that cross, dear brother.
 
You seem from your post like a very caring person. Sometime, sadly, when someone isn’t feeling well they will take it on people they feel safe. Which isn’t right of course, but hang in there and please pray.

I would seriously consider counseling but from your church. I feel that your wife needs to be told by someone else that she isn’t appropriate but also for her to find way to cope with stress without venting on her loved one.

I would do also the sacred heart of Jesus (Novena). Peace is promised there.

Look into EWTN series show about the sacred heart of Jesus, very insightful and it brought many light ball moment while watching this.

Don’t give up hope, she will get better but you need to pray for her. Pray St-Joseph and Mother Mary to pray for you, they were family, they surely can understand many of our struggle as family.

Blessings to you and your family!
 
Don’t judge me as a kid, but I think you two should take a week together somewhere quiet.
I think you and her should go on a retreat just for married couples that does quiet things and spends a lot of time bonding and speaking to each other.

Try this site!

fireproofmymarriage.com/catholics.php
 
Adamski said:
Both my wife and I used to be stressed out all the time probably for good reasons in the first 5 years of our marriage we had three miscarriages, two children, …, her mom died, …church and returning to the sacrements my stress level is really low even when problems happen.
… I know I listen when I come home from work I never turn the tv on and always have at least one hour of one on one time listening when the kids are asleep. I pray that she would be cheerful she was so cheerful many years ago.

Any insight would be helpful
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Blessings on the two of you and your beautiful children.

Keep praying and keep attending Mass. Always invite her every week, knowing that its okay if she does not want to go. Invited her to be “your date” to Mass because you want her next to you.

Plan time together outside with the kids. Make sure the refrigerator has plenty of healthy food. You may need to cook some of the meals. Good nutrition, plenty of water, and exercise (even just walking) are good for reducing stress and often a first thing to let go when under stress.

Check out taking your wife on a weekend date to Worldwide Marriage Encounter. The weekend is a private time for just the two of you. Three couples and a priest will present talks. You and your beautiful wife will go to the privacy of your own room to discuss with each other what you heard in the talk. You do not share with anyone but your spouse. The weekend will focus on the importance of communication as a couple in so many areas of your lives and how to look as a couple at your daily lives.

From what you wrote, you two have a strong focus on being with each other and sharing with each other. WWME is designed to be a tool to make good marriages into better marriages.

Normally there is a small registration fee. At the weekend you have a chance to make a donation in the amount you would like to give. This way no couple is denied going to a WWME weekend because of finances. Everyone is invited and welcome. Catholic couples, non-Catholic couples, and couples like yourself with one spouse Catholic and one not - are all welcome.

Look at the website. wwme.org/ Pray. Invite your wife for a beautiful weekend alone with you in this wonderful WWME setting. Pray.about finding the care needed for your sweet little ones while you two invest in your marriage during the weekend.

The beauty of the weekend may lift some of the stress. Once you return, you will have tools you learned to keep that beauty of the weekend alive every day.

Make the weekend a gift of yourself totally to her.

God Bless.
 
Adamski said:
The big problem is when my wife gets angry/ edgy I can’t say or do anything to make her happy and it lasts for weeks at a time. During this time she always blames me for not having compassion or listening.
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If you suggest a therapist she might think you are saying there is something “wrong” with her. So, ask her if she will accompany you to counselling because it sounds like life has given her a bit of PTSD and she could really use someone trained to help. Let her pick the person. Let her describe the problems. Tell her you want to get some counselling to understand more about how to communicate and be there for her since you seem to be failing and want to be a good husband.

It sounds to me like she is afraid all the time, to be honest.

God bless you both abundantly and lead you to peace and trust.
 
Perhaps part of her tension is also due to the stress of both going to Mass and to her evangelical church at the same time. God is working in her, and sometimes that is a very unpleasant place to be, until the interior tension is resolved. She may spend a lot of time talking around what is really going on that is causing the tension, perhaps because she hasn’t been able to identify it clearly yet. You merely returned to the Church (not to downplay it or anything). For her, with you now a practicing Catholic, she’s may be trying to figure out where she belongs. Even if she’s not consciously aware of it. If God is drawing her to the Catholic Church, that is a huge step for someone raised outside of the Catholic Church. Add that to all the other stresses of the past few years and no wonder she gets super stressed at times. If she is open to it, perhaps meeting with a priest who can help with her questions about where she belongs - Catholic or evangelical - might help.
I am praying for you both.
Kris
 
Praying for you and your wife and your children!
Love in Christ,
RC
 
We have gone to Counciling (a baptist pastor) who was the one that suggested we go to catholic mass every week and get our marriage blessed because “the catholic church is one of the great Christian traditions and since I am a good leader we should go to a church that works for me as the head of the house”. That’s what the baptist preacher told us about a year ago. It took a lot for her to go to mass in the beginning because of the emotional abuse her deceased mom recieved form a catholic priest before my wife was born.

We have been to a lot of focus on the family events/ marriage retreats, my wife used to work for a branch organization they have before we met. She also has a comparative religion bachelors degree and was an evangelical missionary in Ghana and Slovenia for three years

She gets enough excersise ( she swam across pudget sound ans she is training for a marathon) and eats healthy so I’m sure that no why she’s edgy.
 
Adamski said:
We have gone to Counciling (a baptist pastor)…
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Your wife needs a therapist if she is behaving as you say. A real one. A medical one. There are a variety of conditions which will only get worse that can account for her behavior. If you love her, get professional help. This will not go away. You will have to be willing to be part of the treatment and recognize that things you do or do not may be part of what is exacerbating her symptoms. Love is not a feeling, it is what we a do, the willingness to sacrifice self for the welfare of another.
 
Julia_Mae said:
Your wife needs a therapist if she is behaving as you say. A real one. A medical one. There are a variety of conditions which will only get worse that can account for her behavior. If you love her, get professional help. This will not go away. You will have to be willing to be part of the treatment and recognize that things you do or do not may be part of what is exacerbating her symptoms. Love is not a feeling, it is what we a do, the willingness to sacrifice self for the welfare of another.
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How are you sure?
 
I don’t agree with a medical therapist, unless you don’t mind she returned home with prescription (Many highly addictive). Not all medical therapist are like this and i am sure they are wonderful one that step outside the box and will do everything before doing a prescription.

Please don’t try to fix your wife but love her and believe in prayer, it is that simple.

Since you shared about the sad experience of her mother, i would consult with a priest (Catholic). There are truly great men, it would be sad to banish the church because of rotten potatoes. The Catholic church is spiritual, it cannot be judged from the action of human.

We pass on everything to our children from our dna, our hurt, our sin etc…It is like copying a disk. Your wife needs to see for herself how wonderful that many priests are. They have been chosen by our lord. You can tell which man are truly on the right path with their vocation. Pray to be guided to the right person.
 
wow…she’s been through a lot. She probably hates how she has been acting lately and my gut tells me that she will be so thankful in a few years that you stuck with her through this difficult time.

Just keep being there for her. She is very angry right now…angry with life. She will eventually come to terms with everything. Give her time.
 
She said this morning how thankful she is for me.

She said she is very stressed because of how depressed her dad is since her mom died and he doesn’t pay his bills (even know he has the money) and he doesn’t leave his house for weeks at a time even to go in the yard sometimes for a month or more. He lives on a small island (near San Juan’s) 4-6 hours away and won’t take her help, get help on his own, or move near us. He is an adult (67 years old) and there’s very little we can do. She went to his house and his car wouldn’t start because the battery was dead. And the kitchen was filled with pizza boxes meaning that’s all he’s eating.
 
Adamski said:
She said this morning how thankful she is for me.

She said she is very stressed because of how depressed her dad is since her mom died and he doesn’t pay his bills (even know he has the money) and he doesn’t leave his house for weeks at a time even to go in the yard sometimes for a month or more. He lives on a small island (near San Juan’s) 4-6 hours away and won’t take her help, get help on his own, or move near us. He is an adult (67 years old) and there’s very little we can do. She went to his house and his car wouldn’t start because the battery was dead. And the kitchen was filled with pizza boxes meaning that’s all he’s eating.
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yeah that’s hard when loved ones become depressed.

just remember…you are her rock right now. hang in there!
 
Adamski said:
She said this morning how thankful she is for me.

She said she is very stressed because of how depressed her dad is since her mom died
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You and your beautiful bride sound like a wonderful loving couple.

I still think you two would love a weekend with Worldwide Marriage Encounter, even with your involvement with other marriage programs with Focus on the Family.

We found WWME so private, romantic, wonderful, and a special gift to each other. All couples deserve this beautiful experience of WWME. wwme.org/
 
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