My wife is charismatic, but I am not

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seeker_of_God

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My wife and I are both Catholic, but she’s deeply involved in the charismatic renewal movement. I know the Church approves of this movement, but it’s just not for me—not my kind of spirituality at all.

So my wife likes to pray over people (i.e., laying on of hands), and be prayed over. I don’t like doing this.

She’s had some chronic pain for about the last 6 years that doctors can’t seem to do anything about. She’s gotten quite discouraged, and I really do my best to support her.

But since she prefers charismatic spirituality, she wants to be prayed over when her pain is especially bad.

I’d rather find a more traditionally Catholic way of supporting her. I hope that doesn’t sound cold but I’m just not comfortable with the practice of laying hands / praying over someone. I also don’t want her to feel unsupported though, which I think sometimes she does feel.

What are some things I can do in this situation? I do pray for her, and try to support her emotionally, but it doesn’t always seem like enough.
 
I would encourage you and your wife to keep praying. maybe encourage her to pray for the intercession of a saint of her choosing. It may lead to healing. Also, encourage her to offer her past and present suffering to God, keeping God’s love in mind.
 
seeker_of_God said:
I hope that doesn’t sound cold but I’m just not comfortable with the practice of laying hands / praying over someone.
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Do you think it will interfere with your relationship with God? If so, in what way?

As for more traditional ways: Finding a relevant saint, praying the Rosary, and offering the intention at Mass and/or Adoration are options.
 
I don’t want this to come off badly, I know prayer is a very personal thing, so I’m just suggesting not judging.

I think it’s great if you want to do all of the above and do novenas to saints and offer masses and if it’s serious ask a priest for the anointing of the sick etc.

But I do think it’s ok to stretch the bounds of what you’re comfortable with. I’m a convert from a pentacostal protestant church. So I grew up going out to Walmart and asking people if I could pray for them… as a youth event.

However, despite how much I believe God worked through those events it’s still awkward and I still doubt. But I think it’s ok to step out of the boat. Even if you might sink. Often times discomfort is associated with learning and growing, even if it isn’t fun.
 
Isn’t our faith supposed to make us uncomfortable anyway? Christ asks us to eat his body and drink his blood

I say just do what she wants. A happy wife is a happy husband

Bokbok
 
Man up. Part of marriage is giving up your interests for her. While I fully encourage your traditional pursuits, perhaps join her in prayer or do whatever she asks of you.
 
Okay, so just my opinion.

“man up” doesn’t necessarily make the best spiritual advice, although it certainly could be depending on the circumstance. I would say “man up” if it’s a disagreement over cereal brands or furniture arrangement or meal prep or who drives the kids to their soccer practice. When it comes to how you relate to God, I don’t think “man up” is really the right term or approach. Again, my opinion.

I think maybe a way you could help is to find others who love her to pray over her and do whatever you have to do to make that happen. If praying a rosary is more your thing, pray it with her or in her presence. Or let her know that you are going to pray for her. Who knows? In time, as you do these things with her and for her, you may become more comfortable with a more charismatic approach.

Just because you are not addressing this issue the way others think you should, or even the way your wife prefers, doesn’t mean you are not addressing it or that you are “wrong”. Let God guide you.

Good luck and prayers for your wife that she may find relief from pain.
 
therese1998 said:
“man up” doesn’t necessarily make the best spiritual advice, although it certainly could be depending on the circumstance. I would say “man up” if it’s a disagreement over cereal brands or furniture arrangement or meal prep or who drives the kids to their soccer practice. When it comes to how you relate to God, I don’t think “man up” is really the right term or approach. Again, my opinion.
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My opinion too.
 
I totally get your opinion and would feel that way too, but of course understand that her expression of the faith is important too. From your post it sounds like she is asking you to lay hands on her, is this the case? If so, that’s really not fair of her. Yes you should support her and her expression of the faith but she should support you and your expression of the faith. You should both sit down and talk about what you believe and feel comfortable with. Truthfully and prayerfully, invite the God to be with you while you talk. Write down what you will and won’t do for each other or at least talk about it, though I think writing it down would be good for the future. Be honest and kind and loving. Learn a little about each others type of spiritual expression as part of this ‘talk’ or series of talks. Don’t necessarily do it in one sitting or with the aim of converting one another to the other’s point of view just with learning what the other is about. She can’t expect you to lay hands on her if that isnt your way, but maybe quiet meditative prayer is. If she understands how you relate to God in prayer then when she is in pain and you go off into a ‘quiet place’ to pray she may not feel abandoned cos she now understands you are going to your best place to battle in quiet for her pain for her cos you love her. But if she doesnt understand she wont know that. Just like if you dont understand the laying on hands thing, you wont know that she does it for you for love of you. God bless you both.
 
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Bluebright said:
I totally get your opinion and would feel that way too, but of course understand that her expression of the faith is important too. From your post it sounds like she is asking you to lay hands on her, is this the case? If so, that’s really not fair of her. Yes you should support her and her expression of the faith but she should support you and your expression of the faith. You should both sit down and talk about what you believe and feel comfortable with. Truthfully and prayerfully, invite the God to be with you while you talk. Write down what you will and won’t do for each other or at least talk about it, though I think writing it down would be good for the future. Be honest and kind and loving. Learn a little about each others type of spiritual expression as part of this ‘talk’ or series of talks. Don’t necessarily do it in one sitting or with the aim of converting one another to the other’s point of view just with learning what the other is about. She can’t expect you to lay hands on her if that isnt your way, but maybe quiet meditative prayer is. If she understands how you relate to God in prayer then when she is in pain and you go off into a ‘quiet place’ to pray she may not feel abandoned cos she now understands you are going to your best place to battle in quiet for her pain for her cos you love her. But if she doesnt understand she wont know that. Just like if you dont understand the laying on hands thing, you wont know that she does it for you for love of you. God bless you both.
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Wow thank you, your reply really touched me. I think it’s a great idea.
 
Nelka said:
I thought only bishops could lay on hands?
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It depends on context. A man can lay hands on his wife or children in prayer. In fact, we can pray for one another regardless of relationship this way outside of liturgy. You’re thinking liturgical and sacramental actions. Those are reserved to the appropriate clergy.
 
She’s your wife. Please be charitable and pray over her if she’s in pain. It’s not about you being comfortable: It’s about giving of yourself and easing her pain if at all possible.
 
Nelka said:
I wouldn’t advise a man to argue about that with his wife.
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Heck, I left my keys with my girlfriend to feed my cat while I was out of town, and my furniture got re-arranged! :crazy_face:🤣😜

(she’s now my wife)

hawk
 
deMontfort said:
She’s your wife. Please be charitable and pray over her if she’s in pain. It’s not about you being comfortable: It’s about giving of yourself and easing her pain if at all possible.
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I really don’t understand this. I’m trying to be charitable. I just really do not like the charismatic movement. I support her in it but it seems too much to suggest that I should join in the practices as well.
 
seeker_of_God said:
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deMontfort:
She’s your wife. Please be charitable and pray over her if she’s in pain. It’s not about you being comfortable: It’s about giving of yourself and easing her pain if at all possible.
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I really don’t understand this. I’m trying to be charitable. I just really do not like the charismatic movement. I support her in it but it seems too much to suggest that I should join in the practices as well.
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In other words, it’s all about you :roll_eyes:
 
OP, do you believe your wife? I don’t mean to be harsh - and you don’t have to answer, this can certainly be rhetorical - but it’s been posed as something recently in studies that men often dismiss women’s pain frequently, especially chronic pain that we don’t relate to. The reading I’ve done on the matter has given me pause, and I’ve had to take a long look in the mirror.

My wife also suffers from chronic illness and pain; quite a serious condition she has the more I study it, but since it’s largely “female troubles”, I don’t have any way to relate personally. She’s had issues for about 8-9 years now or more, and she’s had multiple surgeries, been hospitalized more times than I can remember, is on medication, and before we had a handle on things, we made frequent ER visits and such. We’ve had to fight with doctors and others to convince them her condition is real, that her symptoms are real, and that she’s not being “dramatic” or anything else.

Even so, early on my advocacy for her was just to appease her and feign being the good husband. It took some soul searching, prayer, and study before I realized I had been an absolute ___ (horrible person) to her. It’s still difficult to bear the cross with her, to have to take on extra chores at home after working at the office all day (and sometimes there’s a second job in there), being the ‘single parent’ frequently, etc. However, it has changed my outlook, my approach with her, and my way of addressing the situation with others now that I realize how I was treating her vs how she deserves to be treated (and I’m still not perfect on that front).

Likewise, we differ in our approach to prayer - almost the opposite of you two, but I try to refrain from “my ways” and respect hers when it comes to her needs and what will make her feel better. After all, the efficacy of prayer includes the other person’s perception and feelings, not just how we approach God. We can also fall into the trap of thinking another person’s prayer methods don’t count or aren’t as ‘real’ as ours, if we don’t believe in their methods.
 
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seeker_of_God said:
I’m trying to be charitable.
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I don’t think anyone has denied that you’re trying. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be a point in responding. However, it is important to remember that sometimes acting charitably towards someone means doing things that make us uncomfortable. It sounds like your only reason for not laying on of hands is that it’s uncomfortable due to association with the Catholic Charismatic Renewal, which frankly isn’t a great reason. If anything, the fact that it is a matter of acting charitably while being uncomfortable would only give greater reason to do it.

To ask my earlier question again: Would the laying on of hands hinder your relationship with God, and if so, in what way? That’s really the only good reason I can see to not do it.
 
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