My wife is terrified to have another baby

[ChrisClark]

My wife is pregnant for the fifth time and each pregnancy is more physically demanding than the last. She’s nauseous 24/7 for nine months. Breastfeeding is also a tremendous challenge for her (yes, even after consultants and midwives of various stripes). She also suffers from bouts of depression.

We’ve never contracepted and were actively using NFP to prevent pregnancy this last time.

She’s absolutely terrified of getting pregnant a sixth time and is talking about contraception as a last resort.

At this point, I can’t say I blame her for thinking about it. Pregnancy is rough on her, and if I’m honest, she’s not exactly your denim jumpsuit kindergarten teacher type. She’s a great mom and we have great kids, but I also can identify with her physical and mental challenges associated with pregnancy and parenthood for a continually growing family.

The month we got pregnant this last time, we weren’t as diligent about charting, but we still waited until day 19 to come together.

How would you console and counsel my wife to remain faithful, yet also acknowledge the challenges we’re facing?

 

[Stella_Matutina]

I am praying for your family and your wife especially. I’m pregnant now for the first time and I had always heard others talk about the fatigue and morning sickness of pregnancy but I had no idea how physically taxing it is on your body. I pretty much don’t want to move. I keep reminding myself that this is only temporary and this too shall pass. But I have been thinking, “Gosh, how do women with lots of children handle being pregnant for a significant portion of their life?”

I assume it is because of God’s grace and the joy of being able to love and raise a child. I just recently read these two posts by Catholic blogger, Jennifer Fulwiler, that your family may relate to: Bad at NFP and Proud and Never Say Never

As far as my advice for how to console her:

1. I assume she is early in her pregnancy so it is not like you have to convince her this instant to never use artificial birth control. So, I would prayerfully wait and have patience with hashing this out when she’s come to terms with this surprise pregnancy.
2. As much as it seems also to be challenging for you to see her suffer and doubts and fears you may have about having another child, try your best to be supportive and excited about another little person for you to hug and kiss and throw a ball to and for your other children to play with. Your joy and the joy of your other children will be contagious.

When the time comes to talk about the future and spacing or preventing future births-- I would recommend getting some more education about NFP such as finding a teacher in your area to personally go over how to accurately and successfully chart. I got pregnant just recently on cycle day 22 and I’ve found that going by cycle days alone is basically like not really doing any sort of prevention. NFP does work- you just have to do it.

Contraception will only cause much bigger problems for your marriage. (Plus, birth control often fails, so I would hate for you guys to fall under a false sense of security.) But, like I said before, that’s not the most pressing issue to hash out right now. The time for you to figure out what is best for your family will come. Right now she is probably just shocked and overwhelmed and looking for a quick fix which is understandable.

 

[Kal2012]

I don’t know if I could honestly counsel her to remain “faithful.” If she truly doesn’t want to get pregnant, then practically, the best way to prevent that is not to have sex again until menopause. If the two of you, together, can agree to that, more power to you…However, I’m assuming that you’d like to continue having sex with your wife…and if you are lax about charting for the NFP and don’t want to stop having sex, then contraception or someone getting their “equipment disconnected” makes sense. It’s practical and pragmatic.

There’s only so much some people can take. It doesn’t sound like she’s emotionally or physically available to have another child. There are specific reasons, like the ones your wife brings us, as to why other couples stop having kids. It’s not unreasonable to say “I’m done!” if you are just emotionally and physically incapable of taking on the responsibility of another child.

Both of you need to talk to your priest or get some professional counseling. I don’t think any of us can give you a good answer to this question. Sorry.

 

[St_Francis]

There’s more than one way to do NFP, so you might look into that. In addition, it seems that there might be a new morning sickness med out there that your doctor may be able to prescribe for her.

Also, if bfing is hard for her–she *doesn’t have to do it. *Yes, if it works for the family it’s really great for the baby, but there are generations of people who were raised without being breastfed and they survived quite well.

Right now, she is pregnant and that messes with your hormones and your mind. Just tell her not to worry and wait to discuss it later. Try to keep her from making any definite decisions until she’s fully recovered. Reassure her that you are totally on her side, and just focus on her pregnancy and her depression if it comes.

Pray a lot, hopefully together. Do you all pray a family Rosary?

 

[Xantippe]

St Francis said:

“Also, if bfing is hard for her–she doesn’t have to do it.”

Right. Despite what you might think, breastfeeding is not required by federal law.

 

[nodito]

if you are lax about charting for the NFP and don’t want to stop having sex, then contraception or someone getting their “equipment disconnected” makes sense. It’s practical and pragmatic.

Or intrinsically evil. (CCC 2370)

 

[1ke]

The month we got pregnant this last time, we weren’t as diligent about charting

Then you were not engaged in avoiding behavior, you were engaged in achieving behavior.

How would you console and counsel my wife to remain faithful, yet also acknowledge the challenges we’re facing?

Be diligent in the future if you have a serious reason to avoid. Consider the Marquette Method, which includes a fertility monitor. Absolutely do not be lax in charting.