My Wife Isn't in Love With Me Anymore

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confusedlife

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Hello! As the title says, my wife isn’t “in love” with me anymore. This is a very hard time for me, so I ask for prayers for the restoration of my marriage.

A little more detail: I am a cradle Catholic but have truly discovered the faith over the last 6 months.

My wife was baptized as a Baptist but converted to Catholicism after our first child was born, 6 years ago. This was her own decision and not one that I ever forced or even suggested. During the last 1 or 1.5 years, she’s “lost” the Faith. Honestly, it may be that she never understood Catholicism and only really converted for family unity.

My wife and I have had some heart-felt, serious discussions lately. According to her, I have been a good husband, a good father, and a good man. I am certainly not sinless, but I have definitely been trying to be the best husband/father/man that I can be.

It seems that she’s simply fallen “out of love.” To me, I think it stems from several major things.
  1. I have had issues while I sleep, during which I basically molest (“rape”?) her. This disgusts me, and I have seen a professional about it. If it disgusts me, I can only imagine how she feels.
  2. Losing her relationship with God (whether as a Catholic, Baptist, or otherwise) has been hard on her. For a while, she attended mass with me, but she gets nothing out of it. She has been to 3 separate non-denominational churches, and she definitely enjoys these better than Catholic masses. I would love for her to remain Catholic, but seeing her joy at a non-denominational church leaves me confused. But I support her however she wants to build a relationship with God, even if it’s a little off-path.
  3. She’s had some depression and anxiety issues that she’s taking medication for.
  4. She strives for some independence. She’s been hopping from job to job over the last 6 years. And (I admit) I have been a budget “dictator.” I don’t want to be a dictator, and I told her that. We are working on this piece of it, but I don’t think it’ll get much better any time soon.
I am doing everything that I can to restore our marriage. We have had pointed conversations about divorce. She acknowledges that she’s thought about it, but it hasn’t gotten further than thoughts. I asked her if we have a marriage worth saving, and she tells me that we do. I’ve opened the door for divorce for her (I know about the Catholic position on this!), but she’s still with me! Is there sign of hope here? However, she is clearly not happy in this marriage, with her faith, or with her life.

I have been trying to love her as much as possible. I have poured my heart out to her, and (bless her heart) she’s been trying to show me love back. But I can tell that her “in love with me” love for me is not there. She mentions all the time that she definitely still “loves” me, but this just means on a friend level.

On some levels, I feel like showing her all of this love is pushing her further away. So I have tried just the opposite approach and be cordial and friendly, but not overly compassionate. I feel that I will lose her quicker with this second approach, though. At this point, I have been straddling the line between “too much” and “not enough” love, but it’s detrimentally awkward.

We have been struggling with our marriage like this for the last 1.5 years. She says that she needs her time and space, and I feel like I’ve given this to her. I am emotionally exhausted but will do everything possible to fix us. But after 1.5 years, we have not taken a single step in the positive direction. How much longer do I wait? I truly love/am in love with this woman, and I imagine that I can wait for 5, 10, 20, … years.

But it breaks my heart to see her so unhappy, struggling with life/faith, and being in a marriage with someone she doesn’t love/isn’t in love with.

She’s told me that she hasn’t cheated on me, and I believe her. But we both have other “first” loves. I let go of mine when we got married, but I think that she continues to hold onto hers. I don’t think that she’s cheating with him. But I’m pretty sure, in her mind, she’s been imagining a separate life with him that’s hindering her from fixing our marriage. If we get a divorce, she may or may not reach out and re-kindle this love.

I would appreciate any advice any one may have! But I truly want prayers at this time. I don’t believe in divorce, but how things have been for the last 1.5 years, I am considering it more and more if it makes her happy.
 
You certainly have my prayers, confusedlife. I am very sorry for the crisis in your marriage.

Are you two getting marriage counseling? Have you spoken to a priest?

Regarding the sleep disturbances and your admission to “raping?” her in your sleep, how often and for how long did this behavior continue? I can imagine that, in and of itself, to be sufficient to kill married love in the attacked spouse. I don’t say this to be mean, but because this is such a serious issue. If this situation has not been completely resolved, with medical help for you and counseling for her (and for you), I think sleeping separately might be necessary. I cannot imagine the depression and anxiety she might feel after this. I was sexually abused and mistreated by my own husband, prior to our conversion to Catholicism, and I am still working on healing and trusting him again. We have had to set very strict boundaries for sleeping and touching, in order to work on rebuilding trust. I urge you to do whatever it takes to help her to trust you again, getting whatever assistance you need to become trustworthy. This is that serious, and I think you likely agree considering you mentioned this issue at the top of your list.

With regards to being a budget dictator, this is another love-killer. It sets you up in a master-slave or father-child relationship. That does not protect or nuture married love. This would be another issue to work on in marriage counseling.

And finally, the issue of her leaving the faith and going to Protestant churches, I think here you must just be accepting and patient. Considering the trust violations in your marriage, I don’t think you are going to help her by disapproving of her choices in this area. Pray for her. Offer up sacrifices daily for her. Talk to her about what it is that she is seeking and what is making her joyful in her faith walk right now. Try to draw her back by your own conversion. Be holy and love her and pray for her. It is all you can do. It is possible that she is afraid of authority figures abusing the trust placed in them and is looking for spiritual consolation. So be trustworthy. Be compassionate. Be tender and loving.

That is all the advice that I can offer. I will pray for you and I really hope that you are able to work things out with her.
 
jmjZelie said:
You certainly have my prayers, confusedlife. I am very sorry for the crisis in your marriage.

Are you two getting marriage counseling? Have you spoken to a priest?
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I appreciate your prayers. She doesn’t want couples-based counseling to start, but she is willing to talk to the same counselor individually. I set an appointment up for this coming Monday. I will see when/if she sets up her appointment.

I have requested pastoral counseling for myself. I am waiting to hear back from the priest (I only asked today about this). I will ask her, but I’m pretty sure she’s not willing to do this.
Regarding the sleep disturbances and your admission to “raping?” her in your sleep, how often and for how long did this behavior continue? I can imagine that, in and of itself, to be sufficient to kill married love in the attacked spouse. I don’t say this to be mean, but because this is such a serious issue. If this situation has not been completely resolved, with medical help for you and counseling for her (and for you), I think sleeping separately might be necessary. I cannot imagine the depression and anxiety she might feel after this. I was sexually abused and mistreated by my own husband, prior to our conversion to Catholicism, and I am still working on healing and trusting him again. We have had to set very strict boundaries for sleeping and touching, in order to work on rebuilding trust. I urge you to do whatever it takes to help her to trust you again, getting whatever assistance you need to become trustworthy. This is that serious, and I think you likely agree considering you mentioned this issue at the top of your list.
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About a year ago, the occurrence was 2-3 times a week, kinda on-again, off-again, for 2 or 3 months. She’s told me about one incident in the past 6 months. I agree this is a serious issue, and this is something that we are working through. I offered to sleep on the couch, but she insists it’s not necessary. I’m not opposed to sleeping separately. But, at this point, we simply hadn’t done so yet. I appreciate your candidness on this.
With regards to being a budget dictator, this is another love-killer. It sets you up in a master-slave or father-child relationship. That does not protect or nuture married love. This would be another issue to work on in marriage counseling.
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Of course, I have not intended to establish a master-slave relationship. But I have tried time and time again to get her more involved with our family budget. Typically, she refuses, and I end up taking on the burden. Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT passing blame here. I agree with discussing this during counseling…
And finally, the issue of her leaving the faith and going to Protestant churches, I think here you must just be accepting and patient. Considering the trust violations in your marriage, I don’t think you are going to help her by disapproving of her choices in this area. Pray for her. Offer up sacrifices daily for her. Talk to her about what it is that she is seeking and what is making her joyful in her faith walk right now. Try to draw her back by your own conversion. Be holy and love her and pray for her. It is all you can do. It is possible that she is afraid of authority figures abusing the trust placed in them and is looking for spiritual consolation. So be trustworthy. Be compassionate. Be tender and loving.
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Again, don’t get me wrong here. I don’t disapprove of the churches she attends. Actually, if anything, I am completely supportive of it. She has made great strides, rebuilding her relationship with God and I applaud her for it. I pray for her as often as I can. A few days ago, for the first time in ever (?), we prayed together.
That is all the advice that I can offer. I will pray for you and I really hope that you are able to work things out with her.
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Once again, thanks! It seems like I’ve tried everything at this point. Counseling is obviously the next major step, but getting some friendly advice from others who have gone through the same experiences couldn’t hurt.
 
I am very sorry for the state of your marriage and will pray for you and your wife to have reconciliation.

My situation was similar, but things have not worked out between my wife and myself. Rather than go into details, feel free to message me (or not).

I am sure that others will offer advice and assistance for you. Many blessings! Keep praying and loving above all!
 
Praying for you both. Look for professional help though!
 
Looks like my friend Zelie’s already given all the right suggestions. And you’ve answered that you’re on those paths.

I don’t know what else you can do. Oh, actually I do.

Get physically fit. The leanest. Meanest. You’ve ever been. I mean do this for 2 reasons.
  1. It gives you something to do that is positive for your self-image. And healthy.
  2. It shows her a new side of you. Something different. Something attractive. Having a new interest makes you more interesting too.
Because sometimes it just isn’t possible to get someone to fall in love with the same you all over again. Sometimes they have to fall in love with a new you. One that’s like a step up from the floor model you. Or something.

Peace and good luck!

-Trident
 
Trident_H said:
Looks like my friend Zelie’s already given all the right suggestions. And you’ve answered that you’re on those paths.

I don’t know what else you can do. Oh, actually I do.

Get physically fit. The leanest. Meanest. You’ve ever been. I mean do this for 2 reasons.
  1. It gives you something to do that is positive for your self-image. And healthy.
  2. It shows her a new side of you. Something different. Something attractive. Having a new interest makes you more interesting too.
Because sometimes it just isn’t possible to get someone to fall in love with the same you all over again. Sometimes they have to fall in love with a new you. One that’s like a step up from the floor model you. Or something.

Peace and good luck!

-Trident
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I agree that sometimes they have to fall in love with the new you, because falling back in love with the old you just won’t happen. It is true for my marriage. I fell in love with my husband post-conversion far more deeply than I ever loved his pre-conversion self. He became a new, trustworthy and absolutely wonderful person that I felt guilty almost, for loving the new him SO much. It felt like I was having an affair, with my husband!

Whether the new you needs to include physical fitness or whatever (for my husband it was his new devotion to his faith), that is for you to decide. But Trident’s advice is sound in the principle that she needs to fall in love with the new you. 🙂
 
I will keep your and your wife and children in my prayers.

As for advice, I feel that you have done all that can be reasonably expected. It seems to be up to your wife to decide whether or not to honor her marriage vows, and “falling out of love”, or any of the other issues you mentioned, are not a sufficient reason to break them.

The previous “first love” and attending Protestant churches are big concerns to me. I have no objection to someone attending a Protestant church, as such, but in your current marital situation this seems to be inviting trouble.

As Trident suggests, find a new interest, such as physical fitness, to give yourself a new lease of life. It may not win your wife back, but you’ll feel better for it.
 
Because your wife acknowledges to you that you “have been a good husband, a good father, and a good man,” your marriage may be better off than you imagine. I suggest that you turn over to God all your worries about your wife’s emotional state and give renewed attention to your role as a father. I don’t know how many children you have or how old they are, but build on your relationship with them by engaging in fun family activities. Include your wife in these activities based on her desire to participate. Depending on their ages, you might take your children out to buy presents for your wife. And/or take your wife Christmas shopping for your child(ten). There are so many fun celebrations and activities for families this time of year. Continue to be a good husband, a good father, and a good man. Have fun with your family, and trust in the Lord.
 
You must get help. Even if your wife does not. Hoping you and your wife can resolve this issue with the help of our Lord. But if you go separate ways, I worry about your disrespecting someone else. So get some help.
 
A quick net search shows that there are medical treatments for sexsomnia. If you’re sexually assaulting your wife in your sleep your first order of business is to see a medical doctor. Before you try counseling. Get to a doctor. If you don’t, then it’s pretty clear you’re not interested in fixing anything.
 
on_the_hill said:
A quick net search shows that there are medical treatments for sexsomnia. If you’re sexually assaulting your wife in your sleep your first order of business is to see a medical doctor. Before you try counseling. Get to a doctor. If you don’t, then it’s pretty clear you’re not interested in fixing anything.
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Yes. This is extremely serious. The OP said 2-3 times per week, off and on again for several months last year. And at least once in the last six months. I cannot imagine the damage this is doing.
 
Praying for you. As you all have stated, professional, pastoral counseling and medical help will help. Sleeping separately will help for now. Take her on date nights. If you get the chance, read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. If she is open to it, the Retrouvaille retreats have helped many with struggling marriages.

Maybe she would enjoy a Catholic Bible study or group that has personal relationship with Jesus?
 
Putting aside the whole sexual assault while sleeping thing (which you have stated you are getting help for and have talked to her about), this is what I got from reading your post:
It’s not about you.
I don’t think there is anything more you can do or offer than you already have. I think you should seek counseling (for yourself if she refuses to go, but really she needs it) and simply pray about it to God and leave it in His hands. Two prayers that are particularly good is Hosea’s hedge prayer for a wayward spouse and using the graces you received on your wedding day. Praying for you and your wife…
 
OP, First of all I want you to know that I’m praying for your marriage and family.

Second of all, like others have suggested, it would be a very wise idea to sleep separately until you get help for what you are doing in your sleep. This is serious, and even if your wife tells you that it’s okay to still sleep together, I encourage you to insist on separate sleeping arrangments because greater damage will be done to your marriage by the assaults done to her than if you were to sleep separately. HOWEVER, this would be an excellent opportunity to woo her, court her, focus exclusively on the romance and not so much on the sexual, enjoy quality time, bring her home flowers, surprise her. You know…The stuff that happened when you both fell in love.

Also, (I consider this the most important) ask her to pray together as a family. It doesn’t need to be anything other than holding hands and asking God to bless your marriage and to ask for Him to protect it. Do this on a daily basis. Read the Bible together and reflect on what you’ve read. It doesn’t have to take longer than the time it would take for you both to drink a cup of coffee. Maybe 5 minutes. And Trident’s advice is spot on as usual! Take care of yourself physically. Don’t have the attitude that although you don’t want a divorce, you’ll grant her one if it’ll make her happy. Instead, change your mindset to become a man who will fight for his marriage and improve yourself mentally, physically and spiritually.

God Bless! We’re pulling for you guys!
 
jmjZelie said:
I agree that sometimes they have to fall in love with the new you, because falling back in love with the old you just won’t happen. It is true for my marriage. I fell in love with my husband post-conversion far more deeply than I ever loved his pre-conversion self. He became a new, trustworthy and absolutely wonderful person that I felt guilty almost, for loving the new him SO much. **It felt like I was having an affair, with my husband! **
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That is so awesome! I love the way that rolls out. I mean it’s inspiring. Really.

Peace Zelie! 👍
 
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