My Wife Isn't in Love With Me Anymore

[Eliza10]

A bottom-dweller, eh? Eliza, you’ve obviously experienced a lot of hurt yourself, and are commendably thinking about the well being of the abused wife. But your comments are not just unhelpful, but also uncharitable when you engage in name calling and deliberately tell posters information that is counter to our faith (e.g. That posters have no hope.)

Read my actual post. You are just emotionally reacting to phrases, so much so that you miss out on the context. Bottom-dwelling was in reference to Popcaks hierarchy of relationship types and these two certainly hover near the bottom. He can read the book and diagnose that location in the hierarchy of relationships for himself. Yes, in this world there is little to no hope. Some things take the miraculous healing graces of God. I made that hope very clear in my post. Read it. Yes, I have experienced hurt but the Lord Jesus healed me and I know that this is what this abused wife needs. She is NOT going to get over it with time. Not a year or two, not ten years, not twenty. It will take more than time. And the OP needs a whole LOT more than the medical professional. He needs a mental health professional AND he needs knowledgable spiritual help. Its a serious matter.

 

[Eliza10]

This statement is incorrect. Behaviour occurring during a sleep disorder episode is conducted involuntarily and is unconnected to the person’s waking behaviour or moral status.

Some basic information about parasomnias: sleepfoundation.org/ask-the-expert/sleep-and-parasomnias

And for some info on REM sleep behaviour disorder:
mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/rem-sleep-behavior-disorder/basics/definition/con-20036654

I would get the advise of a psychologist well-schooled in psychology AND Catholic spirituality, like Popcak’s. Because the same APA that says this *also *says that homosexuality is not disordered behavior, but that it is completely psychologically normal…

If a real practicing Catholic true to the Church teachings who was a trained psychologist were to tell me that this is simply a medical problem to see your neurologist about, then I’d find it believable. Til then, I prefer to stick with common sense. And my own gut feeling.

 

[heidi_storage]

I would get the advise of a psychologist well-schooled in psychology AND Catholic spirituality, like Popcak’s. Because the same APA that says this *also *says that homosexuality is not disordered behavior, but that it is completely psychologically normal…

If a real practicing Catholic true to the Church teachings who was a trained psychologist were to tell me that this is simply a medical problem to see your neurologist about, then I’d find it believable. Til then, I prefer to stick with common sense. And my own gut feeling.

But the truth is, your common sense and gut feeling don’t really count for much; they are not themselves Church teaching, nor are they the opinions of a medical expert. The Church does have a position on same-sex behavior; I’m not aware of them ruling on the culpability of someone who is doing something in his sleep. Maybe someone can find me such a ruling, but it would surprise me if they considered the OP to be culpable.

Finally, I’ve read somehing of your painful history. I’m sorry for the hurt you’ve sustained over a period of many years. I pray you are finding peace and healing.

The wife in this case is not experiencing the same thing that you did. The problems are different, the dynamic is different, the people are different. We do know that the OP is trying to work through the issues in their marriage. I am sure that he knows that full healing and reconciliation is a slow process.

 

[Eliza10]

But the truth is, your common sense and gut feeling don’t really count for much; they are not themselves Church teaching, nor are they the opinions of a medical expert. The Church does have a position on same-sex behavior; I’m not aware of them ruling on the culpability of someone who is doing something in his sleep. Maybe someone can find me such a ruling, but it would surprise me if they considered the OP to be culpable.

Finally, I’ve read something of your painful history. I’m sorry for the hurt you’ve sustained over a period of many years. I pray you are finding peace and healing.

The wife in this case is not experiencing the same thing that you did. The problems are different, the dynamic is different, the people are different. We do know that the OP is trying to work through the issues in their marriage. I am sure that he knows that full healing and reconciliation is a slow process.

I feel like you are not reading any of what I wrote. I made it clear that its MY opinion, and -just like yours - its not our opinions that count. Read it. You will see that is exactly what I said. This is not about my “painful history”. My history is much blessed, thank you. It was Trident who remembered I had experienced something related to abuse (not sexual) in my first marriage, so I commented on it, making the point very clearly that I experienced the complete healing of Jesus*, for the purpose of explaining that “time” is not enough to heal abuse. So why would you say you will be praying for me to “find” peace and healing?? Truly you did not read my post - you are only having an emotional reaction to it. Or are you just trying to detract from my points with straw men? Or you are simply being patronizing? Whichever it is, it does not make for a very intelligent discussion…

You like your own posts and your own opinion better. Fine. The OP wanted opinions, and they don’t all match yours. Its not a competition for who has the best opinion.

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• Yes, I explained that Jesus* completely* healed me. Which is why I find your comment that you will “pray for my peace and healing” particularly offensive. There are a LOT of people hurt by all kinds of abuses, and I want to witness that Jesus cares, and Jesus heals hearts. The point I tried to make clear is that Jesus heals hearts, and *completely fixes them. If you actually read *my post you commented on, then you are saying that Jesus was incomplete, shallow, or halfway with His miraculous graces of healing. And you would be wrong!
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[on_the_hill]

I feel like you are not reading any of what I wrote. I made it clear that its MY opinion, and -just like yours - its not our opinions that count.

I assume that you’re arguing simply to be argumentative.

OP claims to have a sleep disorder called “sexsomnia.”

Sexsomnia is a real thing.

If a person suffers from insomnia, would you say hold him culpable for not getting a good night’s sleep?

If a person suffers from narcolepsy, would you hold him culpable for not being able to stay awake?

This has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with sin. It has to do with a medical illness. Any and all arguments about the OP’s condition as being rooted in sin are not germane to the discussion.

 

[Eliza10]

I assume that you’re arguing simply to be argumentative.

OP claims to have a sleep disorder called “sexsomnia.”

Sexsomnia is a real thing.

If a person suffers from insomnia, would you say hold him culpable for not getting a good night’s sleep?

If a person suffers from narcolepsy, would you hold him culpable for not being able to stay awake?

This has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with sin. It has to do with a medical illness. Any and all arguments about the OP’s condition as being rooted in sin are not germane to the discussion.

Are you a trained Catholic counselor? Because that what the OP needs for this frightening problem, and his wife, too. Not reiterations of amateur opinions already expressed here. Let the Catholic counselor be the one to say this man has no sin at all related to molesting and/or raping his wife in his sleep. That’s the opinion that counts, not ours. But he is not going to get an opinion on that from a medical expert. Its just not their jurisdiction.

And no - I DON’T want to argue with you, and I don’t want you to make guesses and assumptions about what I am thinking, and what I want.

 

[youngsterat16]

I will be praying for you! I agree with all the advice given to you. One thing I would try is The Love Dare. There is a movie by the Kendrick brothers called “Fireproof” which you may or may not have seen (if not its a really good movie). But I think the Love Dare is something everyone should try doing. I plan on using it when I’m married. Google it. Its a 40 day challenge with a daily Dare. You can either buy the book or if you google each day klove has them posted as well. Along with the other advice I suggest trying this love dare. It may not fix it all but it could help. I will devote my chaplet of divine mercy toowards all of you struggling with marriage.

 

[on_the_hill]

Are you a trained Catholic counselor?

No, I am not, but on the Internet you can be what e v e r you want to be. Later this evening I’m going to be a secret agent.

Because that what the OP needs for this frightening problem, and his wife, too.

He also needs a doctor to help him overcome his illness.

Not reiterations of amateur opinions already expressed here.

I’m an amateur who has read the conclusions of doctors and scientists who have studied the very real condition called sexsomnia.

Let the Catholic counselor be the one to say this man has no sin at all related to molesting and/or raping his wife in his sleep.

O.k. I’ll agree to that just as soon as you agree to stop offering your opinion that he has committed the sins of rape and molestation.

 

[alphawoman]

Are you a trained Catholic counselor? Because that what the OP needs for this frightening problem, and his wife, too. Not reiterations of amateur opinions already expressed here.** Let the Catholic counselor be the one to say this man has no sin at all related to molesting and/or raping his wife in his sleep**. That’s the opinion that counts, not ours. But he is not going to get an opinion on that from a medical expert. Its just not their jurisdiction.

And no - I DON’T want to argue with you, and I don’t want you to make guesses and assumptions about what I am thinking, and what I want.

Interesting, the Church seems to think that priests are the professionals who are qualified to assess the presence and nature of sin in a given act. The appropriate person to speak to on the faith side of the issue is a priest.

As to the OP receiving medical treatment, he needs to be seen by a licensed medical doctor, not a psychologist, counsellor with training in social work, or other person not legally qualified to treat health conditions. There could well be a role for para-medical professionals in dealing with the psychological and relational fallout from the abuse, but it doesn’t obviate the need for proper medical care.

Eliza, your chain of serial insults in this thread and persistent advice that a poster not seek medical treatment from a medical doctor for a diagnosed medical condition is unacceptable. I’ve reported your posts in this thread to the moderators.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

I will be praying for you! I agree with all the advice given to you. One thing I would try is The Love Dare. There is a movie by the Kendrick brothers called “Fireproof” which you may or may not have seen (if not its a really good movie). But I think the Love Dare is something everyone should try doing. I plan on using it when I’m married. Google it. Its a 40 day challenge with a daily Dare. You can either buy the book or if you google each day klove has them posted as well. Along with the other advice I suggest trying this love dare. It may not fix it all but it could help. I will devote my chaplet of divine mercy toowards all of you struggling with marriage.

Dunno much about Love Dare, but have to state that Fireproof is not a Christian movie and should never be confused with one. The wife contemplates committing adultery with the doctor and is never once called to account for that sin. Remember she takes up the interest in the doctor while she is still married. Further, she is shown to be not much better than a street walker at the end; her affections at the end were essentially paid for with money. Everything is the fault of the husband; the wife bears no responsibility let alone blame for the state of their marriage or for the actions that follow. That isn’t Christian in any way, shape or form. I found this movie extremely difficult to watch: the lack of responsibility attached to the wife infuriated me.

I don’t dislike everything the Kendrick brothers have ever done. I didn’t like Courageous that much either, it was little better than Fireproof, but not much so I had to be dragged kicking and screaming to see War Room. I found that one to be good, not a great movie but definitely way better than Fireproof in that it not only showed a husband repenting of his poor conduct, it also showed a wife who examined her own conscience and resolved to improve her conduct in the marriage. I bring this up because it is vital to understand that it takes two to make a marriage.

 

[steph410]

What in the world?? You are raping your wife at night and wonder why she doesn’t love you? I am completely confused. You should be in jail perhaps?

 

[confusedlife]

At one point, I was getting emails letting me know that there were responses to this thread, but I’m no longer getting those. So, I have missed quite a bit of activity, some of which must have been removed by a moderator?

Please know that I have sought / am seeking advice from a medical professional, a therapist, and a priest. I appreciate everyone’s opinion… but positive advice is what I am seeking out.

That said…

I really messed up this morning. I have been feeling so small and helpless and insecure about my marriage lately. My stupidity got the better of me, and I started to check my wife’s phone for answers. I wasn’t looking for “cheating” texts because I am certain that she is not. I was looking for texts to her friends, someone she confides in, to see if this would illuminate me. And she caught me doing so.

Whatever little threads were holding together our marriage, I may have cut those off completely. I am a terrible human being, and I don’t deserve her, and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.

 

[on_the_hill]

What in the world?? You are raping your wife at night and wonder why she doesn’t love you? I am completely confused. You should be in jail perhaps?

read the whole thread.

 

[heidi_storage]

Whatever little threads were holding together our marriage, I may have cut those off completely. I am a terrible human being, and I don’t deserve her, and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.

You screwed up, yep. I wouldn’t leap on your sword, though. Saying stuff like “I am a terrible human being, and I don’t deserve her” isn’t helpful to her or to your marriage. You want to apologize without justifying your sneaking around (which, to me, would be the problem; my husband and I don’t have an issue with looking at each other’s email or texts), go forward with her on strengthening your marriage, rebuilding trust where it is eroded, and working on your own weaknesses.

As always, stay close to God through prayer, the Bible, and fellowship with other believers.

 

[HCTC]

At one point, I was getting emails letting me know that there were responses to this thread, but I’m no longer getting those. So, I have missed quite a bit of activity, some of which must have been removed by a moderator?

Please know that I have sought / am seeking advice from a medical professional, a therapist, and a priest. I appreciate everyone’s opinion… but positive advice is what I am seeking out.

That said…

I really messed up this morning. I have been feeling so small and helpless and insecure about my marriage lately. My stupidity got the better of me, and I started to check my wife’s phone for answers. I wasn’t looking for “cheating” texts because I am certain that she is not. I was looking for texts to her friends, someone she confides in, to see if this would illuminate me. And she caught me doing so.

Whatever little threads were holding together our marriage, I may have cut those off completely. I am a terrible human being, and I don’t deserve her, and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.

With the obvious exception of sexsomnia, your marital concerns are experienced pretty much across the board by all married couples.
(1) Romance ebbs and flows. It’s the nature of romance.
(2) I don’t know two married people who agree completely on money management. In my experience, the hardest part was to begin talking meaningfully about it in the first place. My husband didn’t want to give me any details. He just wanted to define for me that there was a problem. As it turned out I am the better money manager or… maybe my husband has convinced me if that. I wouldn’t put it past him because I sure didn’t see myself as “good with money.”
(3) Communication eventually becomes an issue. This is a thorny problem because communication is an important problem-solving tool. When the main problem-solving tool is broken, how do you fix the tool without a working tool? In my humble opinion, this is where help from an experienced couples counsellor is most useful. Poor communication causes doubt and you ended up searching your wife’s phone for information about her feelings. When in doubt, communicate.

Please try not to indulge your self-pity. This is where your faith is especially important. Faith, hope, and love go together. Spend some time talking with your wife (and talking with yourself) about what is going good in your marriage - you have shared that your family life with your children is “fantastic.” Those are the ties that bind.

 

[Polluted]

I have sexsomnia…luckily my spouse thinks it’s cute.

As for her issue it’s probably related to the depression and pills she’s on. Hate to break it to both of you but she is most likely unable to love correctly in such a negative mental state.

I personally am sick of all these “feelings” our culture is so obsessed with. It’s catastrophic on so many levels and it’s sad to read about.

Not FEELING it at Church? Let’s throw in some electric guitars and turn the worship of God into a rock concert! Are you FEELING it now?

Not FEELING in love with your husband who you have commited to for life no matter what? Why not sign over a nice divorce, maybe call it an annulment to take the edge off, and start sleeping with random folks or starting all over! Are ya FEELING it now?

It’s a joke. People expect to be on cloud 9 all day everyday and if they are not they are willing to sacrifice their bond with their spouse or even GOD HIMSELF! All because of how they “FEEL”.

Welcome to earth my friends. No one said this was gonna be rainbows and sunshine the whole way through.

 

[Polluted]

What in the world?? You are raping your wife at night and wonder why she doesn’t love you? I am completely confused. You should be in jail perhaps?

He’s being dramatic. I have the same condition (if you can even call it that). He is not violently raping his wife. But in his sleep he is probably fondaling her, kissing her, and being sexual…then goes back to sleep. I can’t believe a wife would be pissed about this. Mine finds it flattering and funny because all of the sudden after being all passionate I roll back over and go to bed and she’s dissapointed

 

[AnnArbor]

Not FEELING in love with your husband who you have commited to for life no matter what? Why not sign over a nice divorce, maybe call it an annulment to take the edge off, and start sleeping with random folks or starting all over! Are ya FEELING it now?

Someone who gets an annulment does not “take the edge off” a divorce. The Church, through an in-depth process, determines that the marriage did not exist. It really does not depend on ‘feelings.’

And not everyone who gets divorced and/or obtains a decree of nullity then starts “sleeping with random folks …” In fact, most of the people I know who bother to go through the annulment process, and therefore care about the Church’s teachings, are not the most likely to be sleeping around.

 

[Viki63]

AnnArbor, I think Polluted is being sarcastic for effect. He/she doesn’t really think an annulment is a laughing matter.
Although he expresses himself in a brutal manner, I tend to agree that we depend too much on feelings. After reading the thread, I don’t see anyone saying that falling out of love with their spouse is normal, but in my experience it is. We’re not meant to exist in that state of euphoric dreamy adoration all the time, we’d never get anything done.

If that’s what you mean by “being in love.” Mature people find that first fine flush of romance fading, to be replaced by a mature affection and respect. It’s grounded in the vows we exchange, and strengthened by the grace we receive in the sacrament of marriage.
I pray that counseling will work for this couple, and that the wife will remember her promises to her husband and to God and strive to live up to them.

.

 

[AnnArbor]

AnnArbor, I think Polluted is being sarcastic for effect. He/she doesn’t really think an annulment is a laughing matter.
Although he expresses himself in a brutal manner, I tend to agree that we depend too much on feelings. After reading the thread, I don’t see anyone saying that falling out of love with their spouse is normal, but in my experience it is. We’re not meant to exist in that state of euphoric dreamy adoration all the time, we’d never get anything done.

If that’s what you mean by “being in love.” Mature people find that first fine flush of romance fading, to be replaced by a mature affection and respect. It’s grounded in the vows we exchange, and strengthened by the grace we receive in the sacrament of marriage.
I pray that counseling will work for this couple, and that the wife will remember her promises to her husband and to God and strive to live up to them.

.

My concern is more that his comment sounded as if he thought the annulment process was somehow a rubber stamp for a divorce – you do run across people who think that the number of annulments granted somehow means they are invalid. Often people who are quick to vigorously defend the Church’s teaching on marriage are equally quick to question the Church’s teaching and practice when it comes to decrees of nullity.