My wife just left me. Now what?

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FranL

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After twenty years and five kids my wife has just recently left me and the three of our sons who are still at home.

We are in contact with her or I should say we have her contact information. Conversations with her now involve only the most ordinary of generalities. No real exchange of information.

Her reasons for leaving? All the usual vague statements, gleaned form “chick fkix” on the Arts and Entertainment chanel or Lifetime chanel, that don’t really transmit any information. :confused:

She has yet to make clear her long term intentions. But the “feel” of the situation is that it’s over. She doesn’t seem to have much emotional attachment to us.

Every day has become a question mark for me.
I don’t know what to do. Should I fight to keep her? At what point do I become a “pathetic case”? Should I try to encourage her to live up to her obligations in spite of the fact that she doesn’t want to be here any more? Or am I better off letting her go?

What are my specific obligations in the matter to God and the Church?

Peace,
  • FranL
 
I’m sorry you have to suffer with this, along with your kids. It sounds as if your wife is pretty mixed up. Other than offering counseling to her, I wouldn’t have any advise.
 
She may be burnt out. Take her on a two week vacation - just the two of you - to an island or something. Rekindle! Forget the cost - it’s an emergency!
 
I am so sorry! How devastating! You and your family are in my prayers.

Get YOURSELF and YOUR BOYS to counseling! The emotional impact on three young sons abandoned by their mother could be HUGE in the long-term–messing up their future relationships as adults, etc. Plus…you need to sort out how YOU feel, and be validated in those feelings.

PLEASE go online to catholictherapists.com and type in your city/state to find a legit Catholic therapist near you.

If you can’t afford this, don’t have insurance, whatever–see if your archdiocese has a Catholic Charities–they often offer counseling from masters-degreed therapists who are adherent to Church teaching…but on a sliding fee scale.

And, of course, contact your pastor or associate pastor. Use the resources available to you. See if there is a support group for separated/divorced people in your area. (You could probably ask at your church for this, too.) Just be discriminating about it–you don’t want to get involved with a group that will encourage you to “move on and find someone else.” My old parish, where I grew up, had a Catholic one that merely served as a support system.

If she’s really done, really gone…talk to your pastor about the annulment process. A woman who deserts her husband and three sons without any sort of real reason may have been harboring ill intentions even prior to getting married. An annulment is based upon the MOMENT of marriage–if she wasn’t fully capable of understanding that marriage is until DEATH do you part…maybe it was never valid in the first place? You would have to obtain a civil divorce first, though… This step is not something I would consider for a very long time, until counseling and mediation with your wife has been exhausted. Talk to your priests, and get a therapist!!!

God bless
 
You are obligated to honor your wife for better or for worse! You are expected nothing less then 100% commitment for reconciling your marriage which in God’s eyes will ALWAYS exist. Read the Catechism, everything pertaining to marriage and divorce. There you will find your answers. On a more practical level, when is that last time you two prayed together? Any chance you could convince her to pray the rosary with you. Before my husband and I got engaged, we had a major blow which nearly ended it all. I wouldn’t let myself give up. Instead, I prayed, not to get back together, but for God’s will. I asked him if he would be willing to pray the rosary with me. I didn’t know how at the time and had never prayed it before.

God showed me what I needed to do by nudging me to make this request. He also gave my husband the willingness to give it a try. He surprised me with a new rosary and a booklet explaining how. We prayed it one time in my apartment. He proposed two weeks latter and today we have a fantastic marriage and great prayer life together. Through God all things are possible. To Jesus through Mary! Seek to do His will and honor your vows.
 
Take her on a two week vacation - just the two of you - to an island or something. Rekindle! Forget the cost - it’s an emergency!
 
There is a small powerful book in which a man found himself in the same situation as you do. You can read it in one day…" If Only He Knew" by Gary Smalley- Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

May God bless you and your family.
Deacon Tony
 
Pray. Bring all of your fears, hurts and concerns to God. Trust in God, who knows all things. He will lead you. I praise God that these children have such a wonderful and caring father. Love your wife, but only God can show you how and what that entails. Look to Him for your answers. Pray that He who can bring all things to good, will bring this current crisis to the benefit of all who are involved.

Lord have Mercy on this poor woman, and the family she left behind. Especially the children. Lift them unto a high place and preserve them from the damaging psychological effects of their mothers abandonment. Lead them to Your Mother, who never abandons. Place a hedge of angels around this family, and lead them to your peace. I ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.
 
I’m very sorry to hear of your loss. I’ll pray that you may be able to get her into counseling and work things out. She may be suffering from depression. A friend of mine has suffered with this and many times confided in me the need to just “leave it all behind.” She thought that somehow it would make her feel better. Luckily, she went to a phyc. and is now on meds. Feels loads better. I do hope everything works out for you and your boys. Praying for you.😦
 
When I asked Popcak for book recommendations for avoiding divorce he said ‘divorce busters’. It would be worth a try!
 
Greg sent you the same message two times:)…there might be a reason for that. Burnout sounds like the problem. Your wife devoted many years to raising children. She needs some private time right now. Let’s hope she spends this time praying for God’s will. I have been married since 1967. I think what kept us together was that we didn’t always smother each other with too much “togetherness”. I recommend that married people allow the spouse to have a weekend away from the family. An annual religious retreat is most invigorating!! My father started this tradition and I continued it in my marriage. Your wife may not be feeling religious right now but that doesn’t mean you should stop praying for her. Try to find a church that has adoration of the Blessed Sacrament and spend some time in God’s presence. (I like Greg’s idea!!) God love you!
 
I recommend a pamphlet, “Do You Love Me?” by John Berger, founder, publisher of Sophia Institute Press. For you, not for your wife! 🙂

You have my prayers.
 
My dear Brother Fran,

God Bless you and your sons (and your wife),
I feel your pain. First and for most PRAY. Pray for strength for you and your sons, pray for your wife. PRAY for the Lord’s guidance. Second, NEVER GIVE UP! Seek counseling and get into a faith group which can help you.
My wife and I were on our way out of the marriage when we met the “Couples For Christ” ministries. These men and women showed my wife and I what was right and wrong with our marriage. The biggest problem we has was that CHRIST was not the center of our lives. Even if your wife would not attend their meetings, it would be good for you and your sons to attend. My brother actually left his wife and the CFC was there to support her and keep her and the children strong until he returned (but that’s another story).

You are in our prayers.
 
Ana,

Thank you for that beautiful prayer. Thanks to everybody on this list that has offered to pray for us. Even in our best of times we need prayer and we sure need it now. Thanks all and God bless.
  • FranL
 
Fran:

Dont have much advise but I will keep you in my prayers too.
God Bless!
My own mothers pre-marital words of wisdom were-"Being married and staying married will be the hardest work you’ll ever do.

Keep Praying
BG
 
Dear ally (and Greg by proxy),

My wife has always been free to take time away whenever she needed it. She has more than once availed herself of this freedom.
I’m not interested at this time in dwelling on the “morbid details” but her behavior became resentful when occasionally the boys or I wanted to include her in our plans and that clashed with her “weekend get-a-way” plans.
I like my family. I used to have drinking buddies. I used to have things I liked to do that definitely weren’t “fun for the whole family”. I gave all that up for my family because I like my family. I wanted to spend the time with them.
I don’t understand the need to get away from your family but I know I am not a brilliant person and am not surprised when I don’t understand other people or their needs.
I have always tried to accomodate her and at least act like it was OK even on the occassions when it was not.

Also, I don’t want to give you the impression that she was always running off at every chance. She was not. It’s just that, when she decided she was going, she was going. If anyone else had some plans the only reason she would agree to change hers would be to make sure that whoever it was that had ruined her time off with a “guilt trip”, didn’t have any fun either.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, based on my experiences, I don’t agree with your approach to the problem.

I hope I don’t sound too bitter. I am a little but don’t mean to dump on you guys. I know your intentions are good. I just can’t agree with your thoughts on the matter at this time.

My appologies if I offend. I do appreciate that you cared enough to respond.

Thanks and God bless,
  • FranL
 
Suppose she moved to another country and you hadn’t seen her for a year. Would you want to see her?
 
I’m sorry if what I said hurt you. Please disregard all of my suggestions except the suggestion to visit the Blessed Sacrament. This is a very difficult time for you. I will join the others in praying for you.
 
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