My wife just left me. Now what?

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Her reasons for leaving? All the usual vague statements, gleaned form “chick fkix” on the Arts and Entertainment chanel or Lifetime chanel, that don’t really transmit any information.

Fran,
first of all, i am terribly sorry that you are going though this and I will pray for you and your wife, but reading what you wrote just makes me wonder if you take anything about her seriously or if you just dismiss what she says or feels as nonsense or chick flik baloney…
I will admit, there are a lot of flaky people out there but the chances of someone who had 3 children with you just up and leaving for vague reasons are slim.
You are not listening to her, she is taking the easy way out, you are both dismissing and blowing off the real reasons. Please get a 3rd party to help you through this. Sometimes it is hard for us to understand what the other person needs or is saying, but you both have an obligation to work this out. Sometimes we get so caught up in our everyday lives that our own spouse can become a stranger. Please talk to your priest, I pray that you work this out, I think with prayer and an open heart you can!

Peace be with you.
 
Hello - I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with much of what was said (above) and I offer one other suggestion. You MUST fight for your marriage. You have to start right now, from the here and now. She may have done some things, you may have done some things and what has gone on is really irrelevant at this point. Things have to be dealt with yes, but as far as people’s actions, the fact that she left you and your children needs to be addressed here and now. Regardless of the reasons. She may have personal issues, you may be tired of her, she may be tired of you, but the fact is that you ARE married and despite the drama, the influences of the secular world saying you can blame her for this, she can blame you for that, you MUST do EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING you can possibly do to save your marriage.

There is no timetable… however, you MUST create opportunities for her to prove to you one way or the other what she ultimately will do. Right now, you should not anticipate, set “traps” or set yourself up for disappointment - ie. “if I tell her this, she should do that” or “if I do this, she should do that,” then if she doesn’t you give up. When you have tried everything, there may come a time where you do end up drawing a line and recognizing that she will not come back… Right now what you can do is seek counseling - Greg Popcak and the above mentioned catholictherapists.com are EXCELLENT resources - I say that from personal experience.

The other thing I absolutely recommend and would like EVERY couple considering divorce to attend is a Retrouvaille weekend. Not everyone has heard of this and I noticed it wasn’t mentioned above as a suggestion either. It is a Catholic based (but open to all religions) weekend retreat for those seriously considering divorce. retrouvaille.org. Make the reservation and tell her the two of you are going.

My husband and I went to it as sort of our last resort. Unfortunately, it didn’t solve what was “wrong” with our marriage and I have since been divorced and annuled. However, it DID help us with some very important issues we had to deal with, and it helped me learn more about myself too. I know it can help many couples. I very firmly believe that.

Marriage is a Sacrament. Not to be taken lightly, and not to be ended lightly. To be tired, sad, depressed, disheartened, even angry is understandable. But those feelings do not take away the fact that your marriage is SO important and it is your duty to do what you can to stay together. It may mean time apart. It may mean lots of prayer. It definitely means getting therapy from a Catholic therapist - please do not go to a non-Catholic therapist. I can tell you from experience again that it is SO much more beneficial to receive guidance from someone who has your soul at the top of their priority list. Not the feel-good stuff many therapists push. I am sure there are good non-Catholic therapists out there, but if you start searching out one from a Catholic “pool” I can guarantee you will find one that will help you.

Also, talk to a good, orthodox priest. They want to help you … they will guide you and provide you with prayer and some hope in your situation. Either way - whether you end up together or annuled, a good priest has your soul and the souls of your children in mind and ultimately, that is your main concern. A good Catholic therapist and priest will be your best sources of help in this time.

I feel for you. Please do not lose hope… but please do anything you can and take care of yourself. Talk about it with people you trust and continue to write here whenever you need or want to. We will be praying for you. I will be.

God bless you.
 
Dear Fran,

I have been going through the same thing for the past 3 years with my husband. It is hardly a simple matter - I have looked very hard at myself and am trying to change the things that he could legitimately complain about. But my husband is alcoholic and having an affair - he doesn’t even see our grown sons nor their children. I believe that when a person can just walk away there are a combination of many factors - depression, addiction, another person, stubborness - all of the above. But in my husband’s case, I believe that the alcoholism is the greatest driving factor.

He refuses to come home. You may be in the same situation.

You have been offered prayers and a suggestion to use Divorce Busters. That consists of both books and online discussion forums. Both have been very helpful and supportive to me.

The prayers are what have saved my sanity. The pain of this is beyond what anyone could imagine. The death of my husband would have been easier in one sense - we wouldn’t have had to worry about his soul and felt so betrayed.

If you are lucky enough to find a good priest (assuming you are Catholic) or minister who understands the beauty and permanence of the Sacrament of Marriage you are ahead of the game. I have run into many who gave very non-Magisterial advice. Whatever happens, you must remain loyal and true to your vows, as very difficult as that is.

You may find yourself loving your wife more than ever despite her desertion of you and your children. Christ seems to bestow that gift on us in these cases as one of the graces of the Sacrament.

Sorry to be so long, but I know how you feel.

God bless,

Romick
 
40.png
kirabira:
When I asked Popcak for book recommendations for avoiding divorce he said ‘divorce busters’. It would be worth a try!
Click to expand...
Sorry, but what’s a Popcak?
 
What my advice is (I’m a Baptist going into RCIA this fall).

You must love others as you love yourself.
And you must love yourself.

Take care of yourself in every regard that you are able to. You must so you can properly care for your sons. You don’t need to physically do every task. You can hire a weekly maid service (for example). Or make up a list of chores for your sons.

I’ve been divorced (but not with children). So I have experience.
It may not be too late for your marriage. The chance may be slim. Divorce is painful.

(a) First importance. Take care of yourself and your sons.
Get up for breakfast each day. Daily grooming habits.
Go to work as you can (hopefully sons are teens).
Maybe find somebody who can watch them.
Keep going to church. If you are in the choir don’t quit unless you really need to. Maybe miss a few practices.

(b) Keep a log of facts, dates and what effort your spouse is making (if any). Make sure you can identify when she left and what date(s) she was not home or taking care of the children. Try your best to find some neighbor who can verify the facts (if it gets to a court custody case).

(c) Make an appointment with a divorce attorney. Not that you want a divorce at this time, but to prepare yourself legally for the potential situation that she sues you for divorce. Winning custody as a father is usually very difficult – so you will need guidance.

(d) Of course also make an appointment with your priest. To discuss the matter. The priest (not having been married) may be much better at the spiritual matters than some of the practical matters. Maybe the priest knows somebody in your church who can help you with some practical experienced insight.

(e) I suppose that there is no better practical book for you to read at this time than Dr. Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough”. Sure, Dr. Dobson isn’t Catholic. But the book’s topic and ideas are from a solid Christian perspective. There are no Catholic vs. Protestant issues in situations like this. Dr. Dobson is a good Christian professional and I’d be surprised if many Catholic Priests or even Jewish Rabbis didn’t have that book “Love Must Be Tough”.

In short, you will do the wrong thing if you act like a begging doormat. You must find respect for yourself first. Or your wife may not learn to respect you. You cannot act eager to have her return and sleep in the same bed. There are obviously important matters that must first be resolved. So even if she comes back and says she is sorry, somebody should be sleeping on the couch or in the guest bedroom until the big problems are resolved (probably an absolute minimum of a few months).

Good news: It is very likely that you will enjoy life after this stormy time is over. Don’t kill yourself. At one low point, I nearly did. But I’m very, very glad that God showed me mercy. In fact afterwards I felt that my life was better than it had been for years. In my case, I was much better without my first wife.

It is impossible to tell at this point how things will work out for you.
Except that with certainty it will take time.

And since you gave few details, I may be incorrect in some of what I tell you. So please see all the professionals you think you need (absolutely a lawyer & a priest).
Private note – not dogma, just guessing: I suppose that maybe even Moses got a divorce. What woman is going to put up with somebody that is always bossing everyone around (saying God told him this and that). And telling her (and all other Jewish women) exactly what to do and how to cook in the kitchen (kosher). “Yeah, God’s gonna strike me dead if I cook my favorite recipe. You can go to blank Moses.” And Moses does say with ferver “God hates divorce”. And then he had that Cushite / Ethiopian wife (that Miriam and Aaron complained about – Miriam being struck with leprosy Numbers Chapter 12).
 
Another legal detail. Contact the three credit bureaus and place a fraud alert on your social security number.
 
Another suggestion. Stop using all your credit cards (cut in two).
Call each one and report it stolen. Make them re-issue and change the account numbers.
 
I mean say the credit cards are all lost. Don’t lie.
The credit card companies deal with this kind of thing often.

Definitely get the Dr. Dobson book “Love Must be Tough”.
Read it.

And if any priests, apologists or counselors are out there, I hope that they also get a copy to see what they can learn from it. Dr. Dobson has so much practical knowledge and also about psychology. He is less of an authority on Theology (but is a good Christian).
 
I have been going thru a sitation alot like yours in the past year. I would like to offer some suggestions. Two good websites written by women who have been through this and now have restored marriages.
rejoiceministries.org/
restoreministries.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi?page=index
They are both scriptural based, but not Catholic. I have looked and looked and haven’t been able to find a Catholic resource like this. Retrouvaile didn’t help, he wasn’t ready. Counseling helped for a while, but the couselor started on why would you want him back, etc. Avoid Tough Love by Dr. Dobson, The bible never says love is tough. I know of no one who has taken that approach who was happy with the results.
Pray, say the rosary, do Euchristic Adoration, daily Mass if possible. God hates divorce. Do not hire a lawyer, I believe you need to show unconditional love and worry about God changing you into the husband he wants you to be. It can be a long process, but I am a much better person today than I was 1 year ago.
I will be praying for you.
 
The idea of tough love is simply this: “Love Others as you Love Yourself”. That is in the Bible. If you love others more than you love yourself (being a doormat, a willing victim, etc.) then you are wrong. It is that wrong type of love that the book addresses (more common of wives than husbands). I thought it was helpful, but it didn’t save my first marriage (nothing would have saved that marriage when it was already too late).

This usually is more likely to be the problem for a woman whose husband has left (or has a love interest on the side).

FranL didn’t give enough information.

FranL: if you don’t have that problem (of loving your wife more than yourself – to the point that you look like a doormat or a victim), then I agree that “Love Must Be Tough” probably will not help.

Definitely keep in touch with your friends. And whatever support you have. Keep yourself in your daily habits (going to work, getting up in the morning, grooming yourself to look good, etc.).

I think it would be foolish to take your wife back in bed too quickly (as a Catholic – while being open to having another child with her). You only want to bring a child into this world with a woman you have confidence in. Counselling first. In the little bit that you wrote it sounds like she isn’t coming back.

Again, I was divorced myself (ex-wife left me and was in lust with somebody else that she subsequently divorced). So I’m not dumb (although I am only starting to be Catholic – waiting for RCIA class to begin).
 
I would like to thank everyone for their replies, the sympathy, the advise and the tough talk and mostly for your prayers. Thank you all very much and God bless you all.

I feel from the nature of some of the things said, though, that some clarification or further details are needed.

First, no one here is going to kill themselves. Those of my sons still at home are middle to late teens, and while I know that that doesn’t make them bullet proof, they are fairly mature. We are all suffering but we are all used to the fact that suffering is part of living. Yesterday morning I was working on a paper route with one of my sons and at one of our pre-dawn stops we took advantage of the complimentary coffee one of the local stores provides it’s customers.
We sat for a moment and chatted as we sipped. We came to the conclusion that life consists of alot of bad days, some good days and a handfull of really great days, all puctuated by cool early morning air and sunrises enjoyed with a good cup of coffee. I think we both agreed that the good days and the great ones and the early morning coffee are well worth toughing it through the bad days.

Second, my wife and I have had problems for a long time. As tragic as this might seem, things have been bad enough for long enough that after the initial blow, a sense of relief from the daily pressures we had been living under has eased our suffering enough to make it bearable.

Finally, I am always working very hard to be a faithful Catholic. I believe!
All of the aspects of my life are under the government and laws of God’s kingdom. I am a sinner, I fail to be good frequently. But I am always trying to do the right thing and will always conscously try to obey God’s laws and those of His Church. I have no intention of breaking God’s laws concerning my marriage.
I will always love the woman I married and the wife she was til a few years ago. The question in my mind is how long do I seek her in the woman who just recently left me?

My wife has moved to a town about 25 miles distant and in a phone call last night made it pretty clear she had no intentions of coming back.
I feel very strongly that she is under the influence of an emotional disorder. Do I let her go as she wants or do I continue to coax her to get help to try and work this out? When does it get to the point of my harrassing her and violating her rights?

I thank all those who have provided help in the form of reading materials and web sites to check out. I have recently had a change on my work schedule that leaves me with little time right now but as I get the chance to check these things out I will and keep you informed of how things are going.

God bless you all and thanks again for your sincere concern.
  • FranL
 
I thought Tough Love was a wonderful book. It helped my marriage tremendously!! The key word is love though. Give it a read, FranL, you can decide for yourself whether it is beneficial for you.
 
Fran, I am so sorry for what your going through. I don’t have any fancy advice to give but I’d like to share my own experience which maybe could give you some perspective. When my kids were 18 months and 3 months old, my husband left us after I found out he was having an affair with my cousin. He left me with no money, a huge stack of bills, and let me lose our apartment. He was a mess then. This was after 2 years of nothing but heartache that he gave me in our marriage. At that point in time and due to the devastation the situation caused on my family (regarding the cousin) I really hated him and was more than ready to file for divorce. All I could think about was getting on with my life and putting those horrible 2 years behind me. I wanted out and I wanted to be free. And I knew at the time that I had very legitimate grounds to get an annulment. So I was ready to file, my parents were ready to foot the bill, but something inside of me told me to wait. Believe me, I DID NOT want to wait! But I felt like it was God telling me to wait and give the situation time. So, reluctantly I did. I didn’t know what I was waiting for. The situation was hopeless, my husband was hopeless. He had caused so much destruction in our marriage and in my family that it didn’t look like it could ever get better. At that point, I let go and put my marriage and my life in God’s hands. I told God that whatever he wanted me to do, I would do it and I would accept His will. He was in the drivers seat, not me. And remember, at this point I still wanted out of the marriage. I was fed up.

Within about 3 months, things started to change. DH hit rock bottom. All other important people in his life failed him. Then he realized the gravity of what he lost. He lost me and our kids (who he never saw while we were seperated), he lost my parents who had taken him in as their own son. WE had never, ever failed him, but his own family had a million times over. So, he started contacting me again and wanted to talk. He said he wanted me back but I was very clear that I had no intention of taking him back. I didn’t want anything to do with maintaining contact with him but I tried to establish at least a friendship with him for the kids sake. At that point in time, he gave up everything in his life that had always come between us in the past, on his own without me asking him to. And he immediately started turning himself around.

Now, 5 years later he is a completely changed man and our marriage is rock solid. 5 years ago, I never in a million years could have imagined that we’d be here where we are now. We have healed, my family has healed (although many in the family will have nothing to do with the cousin, she makes a habit of dating married men) and I owe it all to God. HE changed my husband, because of my Faith, and made him the man that we needed. And I must say that was the fastest miracle I’ve ever seen because this all transpired within a few months time!

I’m not saying that your situation will work out like mine did, but if you throw your hands up and put your marriage in God’s hand, He will be there for you and your kids. Trust in His plan because his is always better than ours. Every single day tell God over and over that you put your marriage in His hands, and then stop worrying about it. Let it go and let God do his work. It may take years for his plan to unfold, but you need to trust him. There’s nothing you humanly can do to change your wife or change her mind. I don’t even believe counseling can solve some of these issues. (But that’s not to say it’s not worth a try if she’s willing to)
I hope this helps you. I know exactly what your going through right now and I am a survivor. Someday, you will be a survivor too! Hang in there and be the best father you can be to your kids. Concentrate on them right now, and leave your wife to God! Good Luck!
 
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