My wife just told me cheated on me.

[EasterJoy]

I have also heard people say that humans were not meant to be monogamous. That is such a lie. If we weren’t meant to be monogamous, then why does this hurt so much?

People find it difficult to be monogamous, just like little kids find it difficult to share, just like people find it difficult not to fear people who are different, and so on. It hurts those who aren’t shared with, those who are unfairly left out, and those who are cheated on. That is why God has moral laws for us that aren’t exactly according to our instincts. The laws put us on a path that allows us to live in God’s wisdom, instead of according to the whims of nature.

Don’t be afraid that understanding all of the circumstances that lead to your wife’s infidelity constitute an excuse for her behavior. If anything that you could have done to prevent the infidelity is identified, don’t take that as an accusation against you. That is not what information like that means! Rather, that kind of fact-finding is best taken more like the fact-finding when the FAA disconstructs an airplane crash. There are no “excusable” plane crashes, but the more fully the causes of a crash are understood, the more likely it is that the steps can be identified to prevent a future tragedy.

It is less important to find fault or assess blame than to find every way you can to ensure that this never ever happens again. That is the goal.

 

[Cumbria]

Heavenly Father I pray in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Blessed Virgin Mary and all the saints.
May you provide healing of this man’s heart. May he receive wisdom, knowledge, courage, and strength. May he come to know Your perfect will, Your way and truth and understand that You hate divorce and You can heal marriages. May this man come to be merciful upon his wife as an imitation of Christ.
Lord I pray that this woman seeks forgiveness from you and her spouse. That she will repent and will have the insight to the lies and deception of the enemy and not give into his evil temptations.
I pray that this couple and all difficult marriages are reconciled and are all centered in our Lord Jesus Christ.
Amen.

 

[Norseman82]

The only other thing I would add is to get yourselves checked for STDs.

Is the “man” she used to cheat on you also married? Maybe his wife needs to get tested for STDs as well.

 

[distraughtlost]

The only other thing I would add is to get yourselves checked for STDs.

Is the “man” she used to cheat on you also married? Maybe his wife needs to get tested for STDs as well.

She said she would get tested. And to be honest, I never even thought to ask if he was married. I just assumed he wasn’t. Now I’m praying to God he isn’t.

 

[distraughtlost]

My wife just told me that he has a girlfriend. The worse part is that I don’t think she will find out about this. I don’t know who she is but please pray for her.

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

I have also heard people say that humans were not meant to be monogamous. That is such a lie. If we weren’t meant to be monogamous, then why does this hurt so much?

I will say once and never defend my viewpoint. I am not interested in winning battles, I am exposing my opinion. If it serves, OK, if it does not serve, OK, delet it or do whatever I want. The hing is that I got into a discussion about evolution and was told by a Moderator that that was a banned subject (with atheism) It seems that there are several Moderator ans several foruns so I am a bit lost. But to explain my viewpoint I must talk one sentence about the subject but, as I said, I am not following any objections to my theory.

I defend Intelligent Design. Go Created Man through changeing species. In due time, God created souls that He incarnated into bodies: it was Man. Finally, He, Himself, as the Son of God, incarnated in a particular Man who, historically, was called Jesus, the Christ, who was born aroung 7 bC (!) and died in the cross under Pontius Pilate around 30 aD, ressurreted and is now seated at the right hand of God the Father and to whom all power was given on Heaven and Earth and Hell.

Now, into which animal God embodied a soul? For us it would be much better had it been a swan, a pigeon or dove, an albatross, penguin, male wolf alpha, and other monogomous animals. It would make our life much more easy.

No, He incarnated into the family of primates, who are not known for its monogamy. the other day I saw a Program about a family of our cousins whose name I dont rememer now and whose sexual habites are so “dirty” that the biologian who studies them say that they cannot be exposed in the Zoo, for the children.

But we are not mere animals, we are rationals and People of Grace. And God drove us from poligamy to monogamy. Remember Salomon, who had 300 wives and 1000 concubines. A simple arithmetic division will tell that this is a stupid arrangement. But He was the Great king Salomon!

Jesus was forthright: “There are eunuchs that made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of God”; man and woman will be one and should not be divided, no divorce for the Love of Husband and Wife is akin of the Love between Father,Son and Holy spirit. You sin by actions but also by heart and desire. But he gorgave the adulterous woman and had meals with prositutes.

In short: I would rather incarnate in a Penguin, monogamous without effort. But God did not want it that way. What can we do?

Just try our best, to do our best to be faithful to God. Fall? Raise up! Fall 100 times? Raise up 101 times!! We must win, defeat is not a solution!

Even if this fight is till death…

 

[anonymous052280]

I am also having terrible thoughts. I can’t stop thinking about the actual sex act she did with him. I keep thinking about going and beating the hell out of him. I am also having fleeting thoughts of suicide.

I will pray that God give you the strength and wisdom to do what is right.

Back in college, my father gave us a heart-to-heart that my mother has been missing for four days and that they may end up separating. We all know that my mother cheated on my father but I am very happy and proud of my father’s choices.

They are still married. I don’t think my father has any resentment-- it’s like my father has forgiven and forgotten the whole thing. 11 years after that incident, we’re still a happy family, and my younger siblings all graduated and found good jobs. I’m not confident if the smae would have happened if my parents separated or if my father decided to take his life…

 

[lelhajj]

sorry to hear about your mental condition that keeps torturing you. I would certainly recommend to pray the Divine Mercy chaplet with lots of devotion and the rosary to the Virgin Mary, which you can find in youtube posted by mysaviormygod, it is Fr Groeschel who gives the meditations of the rosary and i am pretty sure you will find that inner and mental peace, hope, etc that you are in so much need. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope you listen and pray the mysteries above mentioned. In God we find consolation to our sufferings and hope.
Do not attempt to harm yourself or others, this is not what you are meant to be. God gaves us this precious body to take care of it and to be thankful that what we have is a blessing. Sometimes through suffering we find God, a God that lots of times we have forgotten. You must find Him and grow spiritually. There is no better love than God the Father, Our Father. He will never betray us, he is always faithful. That does not mean that we are not going to suffer on this earth, but, our sufferings will be less heavy if you trust God and keep faithful to Him. Doesn’t God says: Love me above everything? even above our spouses or family? Learn to love Him and to forgive as He has forgiven us each time we have sinned.
May God be with you always.

 

[dedo]

I am glad you guys are getting some counseling.

Life does throw us some rough waters sometimes. I don’t have all the answers but I would suggest one thing I learned a long time ago.

There are some situations that you just don’t want to put yourself into. This is because once you are in some situations, things can spin out of control. So your only real choice is to not go into the situation in the first place.

Young people should stay out of bars, and going out “dancing” and drinking with “girlfriends” or “boyfriends” is a situation to be avoided for a married person.

And if you two believe you have “not been the best Catholics” then try to do better as a couple. We can all do better. However, when we neglect sacraments and don’t set aside time for God on a daily basis, we are vulnerable to falling. Your wife fell this time. You could be next.

 

[Cumbria]

Heavenly father, I pray in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ that this marriage is reconciled and this couple have a marriage far stronger than it has ever been before. That they are merciful to one another as an imitation of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Amen.

 

[chipeto]

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

My parents have been married for nearly forty years, and have a wonderful and loving marriage. My mother once told me that, when my sister and I were very young (too young to remember the episode), she had an affair. At one point, she was on the verge of leaving for good with her boyfriend, who was sitting in his car in front of our house. My father told her that under no circumstances would he allow her to take the kids, and so she stayed. She was also an alcoholic at that time. I know that they went through a very hard time, but God has made something beautiful out of it.

I’ll pray for you.

 

[George960]

Hi

I have a similar problem.

My wife and I have been together 24 years. We have 6 children
We had problems but we thought we had the strongest marriage.

Then she was overseas, we were staying there but to make ends meet I was out of the country for 6 weeks at a time and back for 2 weeks. And the second time I left for 6 weeks she slept around. In 2 weeks she slept with 3 men. and fell in love with one and wanted to leave me.
She had been out drinking a lot with friends and lied to me, claimed her phone was faulty and internet so that was why she didnt answer it at night when I called or messaged her one night up to 5 am in the morning.and when I was suspicious kept hiding what she did and calling me crazy and paranoid, and said I was just abusive accusing her of cheating, and saying no man would be interested and she would never cheat.

.She had chucked in our marriage after 24 years and felt nothing for me. I had never been unfaithful since I married her, and even years before we were married.

She kept lying and changing her story, at first she denied everything, and only later I found out she only came back in the country to break up with me, because I found her phone messages to him as she forgot to wipe them. Also I had brought her back into the country in 1 week after I heard rumours from our landlord of men visiting our flat late at night and drinking there, when there should be no men there.

I was in 3 months of hell. I was shocked first and numb, and just felt like falling on the ground and never getting up. I actually was lying down in the room, a few times on the floor etc over a week or 3, and she had no sympathy. I got her mother to try to tell her off and even said I forgave her. I love her with all my heart.

Then I started crying. I sat in the rain for two hours and just cried. I would cry on the way to work and driving back. I cried when alone in the bathroom, and tried not to let our kids see me. But I wouldn’t give up even though she kept being cruel to me. She would say I better get over it and man up or she would leave.

I slept with her and caught STD as she lied about not having sex. Luckily it was not a serious one. And for a week I was worried she was pregnant to the other guys as she used no protection.

I prayed to God for help several times a day as I was in such terrible pain, and I needed help and strength and guidance, and begged God to give me my wife back and keep my marriage together. I was dying inside. When walking to the Gym I would cry and think if God was merciful he would take me now. I couldn’t tell my family, or friends. I was too ashamed. I went to confessions and spoke to the priest for advice. I went on other advice sites for this.

I have never felt such terrible pain, even when my father died. I couldn’t believe she would ever do something like this, and she didn’t love me.

Now after 3 months I am not hurting so much but little things make me cry, or get angry, and I asked God to help my anger as every day I felt like leaving and getting angry. But Jesus said forgive, and I believe in honouring my vows, and She only made 2 weeks of mistakes after 24 years.

Sometimes even now when we are making love I stop as I think about what she did and just cant continue as I feel too unhappy. Another time we were going to make love and I instead just kept crying. I cant bear to look at her at times as it hurts. I trusted her so much and would have bet my life on her fidelity.

I managed by faith and persistence and attention to show her I loved her and rekindle her love. It had died. I still hurt. We renewed our vows and have been to mass regularly and novenas etc and become more involved in the church.

Im not a weakling. Im 6’1 and 240 ib 20 inch biceps, and been bouncing for years, but this just made me weak like a little baby.

And I still pray but it still hurts. Sometimes I cant look at her or touch her as I get unhappy, and sometimes cry. I didnt use violence as we shouldnt and I wouldnt want to hurt her.

part 1

 

[George960]

part 2

So there is survival, but maybe one day the pain willl all go away, but I am 10 times better off after 3 months than earlier. Before I could barely function. I couldnt smile, I couldn’t think. My mind 24/7 was on her and what she did. I would try to cross myself to stop thinking of it.

At mass I pray but sometimes I have to stop myself crying at church. My heart was like an open wound bleeding everywhere.

She is now remorseful, and I am trying hard to forgive properly, but sometimes I get angry and say mean things when reminded of it. And it still makes me unhappy and cry a bit. But better to cry than smash everything and everyone.

So my only advice is have faith in God to get you through. He wont desert you.
Be persistant.
If you want her back keep trying, and the pain does get less.
Don’t be ashamed of crying, as if you don’t let it out it will tear you apart.
Both of you get involved more in the church so she has less free time , and remembers to honour her vows and follow proper moral standards.
Stop her drinking and going out. If you go out do it together. If she drinks you must be there.
Make sure you have complete access to all her facebook, message phone etc. In fact share a facebook page, do not let her have a separate one, to show you are together.
Two of the guys tried to contact her by message and I sent a message to ask them why they are contacting my wife, and to never do it again or they would meet me. I do look pretty mean with a shaved head.
I would not use violence except in self defence but I would look them in the eye and tell them what I think of them, which they would not like and i have little doubt they would quiver in terror.
No male friends allowed.
Know where she is at all times.
I never had the chance to confront the other guys. Probably for the best as we may lose our tempers. But I would have liked to look them in the eye and tell them how bad they were. He must be told off or he will think he can keep acting like that and destroy other marriages. Tell his boss?
Anyway focus on meeting her needs so it doesnt happen again.

If all that doesnt work then you have tried your best and no man can do more than that.

And keep praying to God for strength help and wisdom and guidance.

Regards

 

[Irishmom2]

George, this thread is from 2011. You might want to cut and paste your posts and start a thread for yourself. That way, people can respond to your situation specifically. God bless.

 

[distraughtlost]

part 2

So there is survival, but maybe one day the pain willl all go away, but I am 10 times better off after 3 months than earlier. Before I could barely function. I couldnt smile, I couldn’t think. My mind 24/7 was on her and what she did. I would try to cross myself to stop thinking of it.

At mass I pray but sometimes I have to stop myself crying at church. My heart was like an open wound bleeding everywhere.

She is now remorseful, and I am trying hard to forgive properly, but sometimes I get angry and say mean things when reminded of it. And it still makes me unhappy and cry a bit. But better to cry than smash everything and everyone.

So my only advice is have faith in God to get you through. He wont desert you.
Be persistant.
If you want her back keep trying, and the pain does get less.
Don’t be ashamed of crying, as if you don’t let it out it will tear you apart.
Both of you get involved more in the church so she has less free time , and remembers to honour her vows and follow proper moral standards.
Stop her drinking and going out. If you go out do it together. If she drinks you must be there.
Make sure you have complete access to all her facebook, message phone etc. In fact share a facebook page, do not let her have a separate one, to show you are together.
Two of the guys tried to contact her by message and I sent a message to ask them why they are contacting my wife, and to never do it again or they would meet me. I do look pretty mean with a shaved head.
I would not use violence except in self defence but I would look them in the eye and tell them what I think of them, which they would not like and i have little doubt they would quiver in terror.
No male friends allowed.
Know where she is at all times.
I never had the chance to confront the other guys. Probably for the best as we may lose our tempers. But I would have liked to look them in the eye and tell them how bad they were. He must be told off or he will think he can keep acting like that and destroy other marriages. Tell his boss?
Anyway focus on meeting her needs so it doesnt happen again.

If all that doesnt work then you have tried your best and no man can do more than that.

And keep praying to God for strength help and wisdom and guidance.

Regards

George, thank you for the kind words and advice. Thankfully this happened years ago and my wife and I have stayed together. I still think about it at times but it does not hurt nearly as bad as it did. She has changed for the better, is more actively involved in our parish and we are closer than we were before it happened. She was honest with me about everything and answered all of my questions, even though the answers were unbelievably hurtful. We went to counseling through Saint Elizabeth’s and had a very kind counselor. Best of all, we have been blessed with a daughter!

I cannot guarantee anything but maybe my experience can give you hope that your marriage can get better. Just keep turning toward God together. I’ll pray for you both. Remember, God turns evil things into blessings.

Genesis 50:20 “You thought evil against me: but God turned it into good, that he might exalt me, as at present you see, and might save many people.”

 

[WilT]

I have no words for you other than I’m sooooo sorry you have to go through this.

 

[George960]

Thanks everyone for all your kind words, and I am still praying and God is helping me, and us.
I have read other sites advice but I wanted one specifically from our religion, as others always try to separate etc. But I did not want to separate, I love her, but I believe in marriage once and for life and fidelity for life. Some other friends of mine and family are on their second and third marriages, but I only wanted to marry once and make it for life. I grew up in a broken family and I never ever wanted to cause that pain to my wife and kids.

After 24 years we are so intertwined in family and memories, who else can remember my father if I talk about him when I am sad, and I knew her father and family etc. No new person could ever understand this. And we have been through so much together, trials and tribulations. So I could not believe she would do it. I think she just gave up in despair, and I was overseas and couldn’t support her. I will never leave her side again. Long distance marriages don’t work. We never liked even being apart for a few hours, and used to work together at our business 24 hours a day together.

I believe now my marriage will survive and during the problems, I was becoming weak in faith at times, and hopefully now both of us will be closer to God and this will never happen again. Even our kids heard us arguing at times, I didnt want to but at times I was so angry or sad .

Now we are much better and I can smile and laugh again, but sometimes I cant watch certain movies or talk about certain things or I get sad and angry, or both in as many minutes.

Who would believe that so many comedies and dramas involve infidelity. Who would believe that infidelity could hurt so much.

But we are trying, and I have faith in God that he will help us. The only good thing was he drew me closer to him as before I was less devout. We are also far more involved at our local parish now, and pray together and say the rosary together.

I know that without God’s help we would not have made it and I would have lost the most precious jewel in my life, the person ( not counting my kids) that I loved more than my own life.

God bless you all for your help.