My wife left me, now what?

[Tis_Bearself]

IMHO the posters who are focusing on the annulment issue seem to be accepting at face value his assumption that he will be “alone for the rest of my life” if he does not remarry.

Um, no. The OP had expressed that he didn’t think he could get an annulment and I simply thought he should double-check that with his priest before he made an assumption, as the OP seemed to think an annulment was important. I assumed that perhaps the OP would like to feel free to date or at least have the possibility of a new relationship, in good conscience. I said nothing about him being “alone for the rest of his life if he does not remarry”. Please don’t put words in my mouth.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Um, no. The OP had expressed that he didn’t think he could get an annulment and I simply thought he should double-check that with his priest before he made an assumption, as the OP seemed to think an annulment was important. I assumed that perhaps the OP would like to feel free to date or at least have the possibility of a new relationship, in good conscience. I said nothing about him being “alone for the rest of his life if he does not remarry”. Please don’t put words in my mouth.

Thanks for the clarification.

I must admit I may have over-reacted, as I have long been troubled by the general tendency on “I am divorced” or “my spouse left me” or even “my marriage sucks” topics for posters to recommend “looking into an annulment”.

It really gives the impression to this non-Catholic, that most Catholics only pay lip service to the permanence of marriage, yet are as quick to find ending a marriage to be the solution to problems, as non-Catholics are. Or perhaps, even more so than some non-Catholics. I can think of evangelicals who do find divorce acceptable from a Scriptural POV, often they interpret Jesus as stating adultery is grounds for divorce, yet in practice are very reluctant to pursue divorce even for adultery. Orthodox Jews can divorce for any reason per their faith (though only the husband can divorce the wife) but in practice their divorce rate is very low.

There is also this idea that all divorced people not only want to remarry, but that they SHOULD take steps to make that a possibility. Yet, “remarriage” is not a panacea either. Indeed, second marriages are MORE likely to end in divorce. Advising a recently divorced or even widowed person to just jump back into the dating game, without giving them time to mourn their loss, I think is very short-sighted.

Also, while I’ll take the OP at his word that he is the innocent victim here, in most divorces there is no definite “evil spouse who abandoned and forced a divorce on the innocent spouse”. Most who are pursuing annulment seem to see the process as just as a set of legal loopholes to jump through to allow for remarriage, without reflecting on exactly why the first marriage failed.

And finally, even if the OP does get a decree of nullity there is no guarantee he will remarry. Many people don’t even find one person willing to marry them, let alone two.

 

[AdamP88]

In fairness, if the OP feels that there were no grounds for an annulment then that is probably the case. There’s no point in encouraging him to pursue one.

 

[rebeccanew]

Please consider getting an annulment. It will help you cope in a lot of ways. Secondly, as I tell my children, when you have a sanctified marriage, graces abound. I would feel very sorry for the spouse who wronged you, for she will have to answer to God if she voluntarily refused forfilling the Sacrament of Marriage. Lastly, it sounds like she is too important to you. Put the Holy Trinity in that place of honor that you held for your spouse-she doesn’t deserve to still be there. Remember, if you were married in the Church, your marriage is still valid because a civil divorce does not undo your marriage. An annulment is a difficult procedure, but will help you find the truth and reality of your situation. I am speaking from experience, Jesus will be there in your pain-we are all praying for you.

 

[AdamP88]

Please consider getting an annulment. It will help you cope in a lot of ways. Secondly, as I tell my children, when you have a sanctified marriage, graces abound. I would feel very sorry for the spouse who wronged you, for she will have to answer to God if she voluntarily refused forfilling the Sacrament of Marriage. Lastly, it sounds like she is too important to you. Put the Holy Trinity in that place of honor that you held for your spouse-she doesn’t deserve to still be there. Remember, if you were married in the Church, your marriage is still valid because a civil divorce does not undo your marriage. An qnnulment is a difficult procedure, but will help you find the truth and reality of your situation. I am speaking from experience, Jesus will be there in your pain-we are all praying for you.

Seriously? What makes you think he has grounds for annulment? If the OP himself can’t think of any grounds for an annulment then why are you encouraging him to apply for one. It’s not a “catholic divorce”. People seem to be unable to grasp that there are cases of marriages that fall apart where they are actually totally valid. It’s a sad fact of life.

I’m married and if it all fell apart tomorrow I would be unable to seek an annulment as I simply don’t see how there would be any doubt that both my wife and I understood 100% what we were engaging in and both had the full ability to give our consent to that.
We went through a pretty intensive pre-marriage preparation and were both reasonably well formed in the faith.

Later acts of infidelity do not make the marriage invalid.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Seriously? What makes you think he has grounds for annulment? If the OP himself can’t think of any grounds for an annulment then why are you encouraging him to apply for one. It’s not a “catholic divorce”. People seem to be unable to grasp that there are cases of marriages that fall apart where they are actually totally valid. It’s a sad fact of life.

I mostly agree with you though I do know many Catholics have no idea what grounds of annulment would be, there was a recent topic in which a poster stated that if the marriage had been consummated no annulment was possible. So simply because the OP doesn’t believe he has grounds doesn’t mean he really doesn’t.

I agree though that many Catholics seem to assume annulments are guaranteed, and that the only question is not if, but when – and then they complain that the “when” is too far off in the distance and why can’t the process happen in a few months the way uncontested civil divorces do?

I’ve even seen those who DO contest annulment to be accused of being bitter and unforgiving and to be standing in the way of the spouse’s happiness out of sheer spite, not an actual commitment to their Catholic beliefs.

I know annulment is not really Catholic divorce but many Catholics behave as if it is.

 

[Horton]

I can’t speak for the other posters, but I don’t believe anyone was telling the OP to run right down and talk to a priest about starting the annulment process right now. Of course it would be if, and whenever he wanted or was ready to. What I said, and I believe the other posters were saying was that he shouldn’t just assume that he could never get an annulment or that he could never re-marry. You have the right not to like the advice I gave, but with all due respect, please like it or don’t like it for what I said, not for what you thought I said.

And how exactly did you come to the conclusion I was responding to you? If I specifically don’t care for a response I’ll either take it up with that person or just ignore it. This thread is about the OP, not you.

 

[AdamP88]

As someone who’s never been married in the first place, I agree that single does NOT equal alone. IMHO the posters who are focusing on the annulment issue seem to be accepting at face value his assumption that he will be “alone for the rest of my life” if he does not remarry.

Even if he does obtain a decree of nullity, there is no guarantee that at age 52, he will find another woman to marry, anyway. He may or may not, and it may not happen right away. I also don’t think jumping into another relationship is a good idea even if, say, the ex-wife suddenly died leaving the OP totally free to marry again.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting that single people are “alone” or less than complete. But a married person might find it very difficult to feel complete and “not alone” even after the death of a spouse. It’s less about finding someone new than about the pain of being without someone you loved and who was an integral part of your life.

 

[tuscany]

I agree with this. The OP states he believes he is in a valid marriage. I’m sure he would know whether his marriage is valid or not.

His wife left the marriage and the divorce was just finalized. He needs to grieve the loss of his marriage as well the loss of what he believed his life was to be. Down the road if he feels differently, then he should speak to a priest. Right now the idea that she is still his wife in the eyes of God and Church may be comforting.

I think telling any person to speak to their priest to petition for an annulment as soon as the divorce is final is poor advice.

Ah, because the words ANY PERSON in the bolded part of what you said then includes a large group of us that were responding…

 

[Horton]

Ah, because the words ANY PERSON in the bolded part of what you said then includes a large group of us that were responding…

No that is not what I meant but since you seem to be bent on starting an argument I’ll just post what I post and you assume it is not toward you, unless of course I quote you.

This is over.

 

[ffg]

Sorry for the OP, keep up the good fight.

With the conversation that ensued -

I would guess the typical process is that divorcee’s don’t (need to) think much about annulment until and unless it is necessary.

It simply isn’t necessary if there is no new potential of marriage.

If the potential arises, the person who has to go through the process probably has a great new close supporter, and a new surge of motivation.

 

[tuscany]

No that is not what I meant but since you seem to be bent on starting an argument I’ll just post what I post and you assume it is not toward you, unless of course I quote you.

This is over.

Horton, you and I just don’t communicate well, nobody’s fault.
No hard feeling on my side. Peace out.

 

[tuscany]

Blackrook,

I am sorry and apologize for side-tracking your post.

I stand by what I originally said to you. If you do decide sometime in the future to inquire about an annulment, it can be very healing. The therapist who leads our parish “Divorce and Annulment Group” told me that most of the Catholics that show up for the weekly sessions are misinformed about the Catholic teaching on divorce and annulments. She said going through the annulment process can be very healing and can bring peace.

I am keeping you in my prayers, this must be very difficult to go through. You are grieving a death. The death of your marriage, the death of the dreams you had with your wife, so much will now change for you. Hold on to your faith with an iron grip, because while so much else in your life might be out of your control and changing, things like the Mass, the Rosary and Adoration will bring you comfort in their familiarity and sameness. They will be your anchor.
You WILL get through this.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

There are many in your situation blackrook.

Friendships can still be amazing. And we have the advantage of concentrating solely on God.

 

[MaryT777]

I agree with this. The OP states he believes he is in a valid marriage. I’m sure he would know whether his marriage is valid or not.

His wife left the marriage and the divorce was just finalized. He needs to grieve the loss of his marriage as well the loss of what he believed his life was to be. Down the road if he feels differently, then he should speak to a priest. Right now the idea that she is still his wife in the eyes of God and Church may be comforting.

I think telling any person to speak to their priest to petition for an annulment as soon as the divorce is final is poor advice.

I have been through the process of an annulment. I called the Tribunal after my divorce was final l and was actually told the sooner you petition for an annulment the better because the marriage and its details are fresh in your mind. It also may take several years to process an annulment. There are other reasons but enough said for that.

Many also find the annulment process very healing. The tribunal may indeed find his marriage was valid but you don’t know until you at least speak with a priest. Of course the OP may choose not to do so but the concern was he was certain his marriage was valid. You don’t know until you talk to a priest about your options.

I completely agree with the necessity of being allowed to grieve.

I will continue to pray for the poster, as I have been through a divorce and it’s not easy when your spouse leaves and the door is closed on you life as a married person to this spouse.

God Bless,

Mary.

 

[AdamP88]

I have been through the process of an annulment. I called the Tribunal after my divorce was final l and was actually told the sooner you petition for an annulment the better because the marriage and its details are fresh in your mind. It also may take several years to process an annulment. There are other reasons but enough said for that.

Many also find the annulment process very healing. **The tribunal may indeed find his marriage was valid but you don’t know until you at least speak with a priest. Of course the OP may choose not to do so but the concern was he was certain his marriage was valid. You don’t know until you talk to a priest about your options.
**
I completely agree with the necessity of being allowed to grieve.

I will continue to pray for the poster, as I have been through a divorce and it’s not easy when your spouse leaves and the door is closed on you life as a married person to this spouse.

God Bless,

Mary.

If you’re a reasonably well formed catholic with half a brain you can have a fairly good idea if your marriage was valid or not.

I wish Catholics would stop treating an annulment as if it fixes everything in these situations. Does nobody here get that maybe another reason someone might not go for an annulment is because perhaps they feel that their duty is to be faithful to the marriage. Perhaps some people prefer to believe that they were validly married through the good times in their marriage rather than finding out that the whole marriage was null.

 

[Horton]

If you’re a reasonably well formed catholic with half a brain you can have a fairly good idea if your marriage was valid or not.

I wish Catholics would stop treating an annulment as if it fixes everything in these situations. Does nobody here get that maybe another reason someone might not go for an annulment is because perhaps they feel that their duty is to be faithful to the marriage. Perhaps some people prefer to believe that they were validly married through the good times in their marriage rather than finding out that the whole marriage was null.

This is how I feel with the automatic advice of some to seek an annulment after divorce. It’s as though the thought process is if there is a divorce, there must be grounds for annulment and a petition must be filed.

It seems like advising others to seek their own freedom before seeking God’s will. I’m not making a statement on what the OP should or shouldn’t do. I just believe the first bit of advice should be to speak to one’s priest to discuss an annulment.

 

[AdamP88]

This is how I feel with the automatic advice of some to seek an annulment after divorce. It’s as though the thought process is if there is a divorce, there must be grounds for annulment and a petition must be filed.

It seems like advising others to seek their own freedom before seeking God’s will. I’m not making a statement on what the OP should or shouldn’t do. I just believe the first bit of advice should be to speak to one’s priest to discuss an annulment.

Also…does nobody think that it could be a bit insensitive to suggest that the OP immediately seek an annulment?

Especially when he specifically states that he is not interested in that option.

I mean, if I was recently divorced the last thing I’d be thinking about would be an annulment so that I could marry again someday.

 

[tafan]

If you’re a reasonably well formed catholic with half a brain you can have a fairly good idea if your marriage was valid or not.

I wish Catholics would stop treating an annulment as if it fixes everything in these situations. Does nobody here get that maybe another reason someone might not go for an annulment is because perhaps they feel that their duty is to be faithful to the marriage. Perhaps some people prefer to believe that they were validly married through the good times in their marriage rather than finding out that the whole marriage was null.

This post should be given 3 thumbs up!!! A breath of fresh air.

Also…does nobody think that it could be a bit insensitive to suggest that the OP immediately seek an annulment?

Could not agree more.

To the OP: as hopeless as it may seem, do not stop praying for a reconciliation. You believe your marriage is valid, that is what we all should presume. Hence, the grace of the sacrament is there, in both you and your wife. Pray, just keep praying.

 

[AdamP88]

To the OP: as hopeless as it may seem, do not stop praying for a reconciliation. You believe your marriage is valid, that is what we all should presume. Hence, the grace of the sacrament is there, in both you and your wife. Pray, just keep praying.

Yes. Exactly. Pray for her and know that Jesus is with you in this time. And where there’s love there’s hope.

I am certain I don’t understand how you’re feeling, but as a married man myself your post touched me. Especially the part about growing old and being in heaven together. That’s what we all want as married people. And it must be terrible to have your dreams shattered in such a way.

But as Christ said, “nothing is impossible for God”, so you may have hope that someday your marriage may be restored.