My wife left me, now what?

[Tis_Bearself]

I must admit I may have over-reacted, as I have long been troubled by the general tendency on “I am divorced” or “my spouse left me” or even “my marriage sucks” topics for posters to recommend “looking into an annulment”.

It really gives the impression to this non-Catholic, that most Catholics only pay lip service to the permanence of marriage, yet are as quick to find ending a marriage to be the solution to problems, as non-Catholics are.

There’s a big difference between someone saying “My marriage sucks” or “I’m having problems in my marriage” and “My spouse up and left me, and is not coming back.”

I do not even advise my non-Catholic friends to get a divorce when they complain about their marriages. In my experience, many of them don’t want to split up, they just want to vent or complain. Sometimes they are also trying to get another person to “listen to their problems” with less than good intentions if you know what I mean. I’ll see them the next month posting big Happy Anniversary I-love-yous to the spouse who is supposedly such a pain in the neck.

It’s a different situation when you have a spouse who has actually left and is not coming back. I had a relative whose husband just never came home from work one night and was never seen again. Their little daughter spent months watching out the window hoping Daddy would come home. Obviously this is beyond the point of no return and may be a case where the person could look into the possibility of an annulment. Annulments are not easy to get in any event and it’s not a guarantee you will get one if you look into the matter.

There is also this idea that all divorced people not only want to remarry, but that they SHOULD take steps to make that a possibility.

The problem is that if the person is not free to marry, they are not really even that free to date or get close to someone of the opposite sex because they are creating a possible occasion of sin for them and the other person. It’s not that I think a person should rush back out and get married, it’s that unless he is sure about his marital status going forward, he is running the risk of putting himself and possibly another woman in a sinful or at least very difficult situation should he happen to form a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

And the reality I see is that many middle-aged people do indeed find another partner pretty quickly, especially if they are involved in their church. There are many lonely people out there seeking to connect with another person. I’m not saying it’s required that one have a relationship, but I have seen it happen probably in the majority of cases where someone under age 80 suddenly became single.

 

[MaryT777]

There’s a big difference between someone saying “My marriage sucks” or “I’m having problems in my marriage” and “My spouse up and left me, and is not coming back.”

I do not even advise my non-Catholic friends to get a divorce when they complain about their marriages. In my experience, many of them don’t want to split up, they just want to vent or complain. Sometimes they are also trying to get another person to “listen to their problems” with less than good intentions if you know what I mean. I’ll see them the next month posting big Happy Anniversary I-love-yous to the spouse who is supposedly such a pain in the neck.

It’s a different situation when you have a spouse who has actually left and is not coming back. I had a relative whose husband just never came home from work one night and was never seen again. Their little daughter spent months watching out the window hoping Daddy would come home. Obviously this is beyond the point of no return and may be a case where the person could look into the possibility of an annulment. Annulments are not easy to get in any event and it’s not a guarantee you will get one if you look into the matter.

The problem is that if the person is not free to marry, they are not really even that free to date or get close to someone of the opposite sex because they are creating a possible occasion of sin for them and the other person. It’s not that I think a person should rush back out and get married, it’s that unless he is sure about his marital status going forward, he is running the risk of putting himself and possibly another woman in a sinful or at least very difficult situation should he happen to form a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

And the reality I see is that many middle-aged people do indeed find another partner pretty quickly, especially if they are involved in their church. There are many lonely people out there seeking to connect with another person. I’m not saying it’s required that one have a relationship, but I have seen it happen probably in the majority of cases where someone under age 80 suddenly became single.

Well said.

 

[john1513]

Get her back.

 

[polki]

I know someone who remarried their ex after several years of being divorced. I think Judge Judy did too. It happens sometimes.

 

[YADA]

The divorce is final, and now I’m alone.

I can’t get married again if I want to remain in the Church, so I will be alone for the rest of my life.

I’m only 52-years-old, so the rest of my life could be a long, long time.

I’m not going to get an annulment, because I don’t believe I have grounds.

My wife left me, that’s all. There’s no basis to say we were never really married.

We were together since we were teenagers, most of a lifetime.

I thought we would grow old together, I thought one of us would die, and then we’d be together after that in heaven.

I am sorry for your loss. You do not say how long its been since your wife left and or the divorce was final. There is a period of grieving that you will process - they call them stages - as if you pass through - like infancy, childhood, adolescent, adult … but the reality is you will circle through them repeatedly.

I highly recommend that you search out “Beginning Experience” - it is a Catholic Grief program [though ecumenical in outreach] that helps separated, divorced and widowed people … the international website is located at beginningexperience.org/php5/

They are international - having Teams in most English speaking Countries. You can search for a nearby team here beginningexperience.org/locations2b.php?country=1

The Oregon website is here beginningexperienceoforegon.org/

Though I would not rush to seek an annulment - first you need to heal emotionally and concentrate on you. However, as you begin to rebuild your life - I**f and before you think of dating again **- consider doing so - do not wait until you find yourself in a relationship and then move in that direction. It is not fair to yourself, nor the person you might date. Of course - your ex may make the decision to walk that path in her timeline … so I would be prepared for that too - as it will also create strong emotions for you as you are working through this grief.

I have empathy for you - having had a failed marriage and then later loosing a beloved spouse through death - I have walked this road twice … it is not an easy road, not for the feint of heart - but our Lord, good friends, family will help you through.

After my spouse died Beginning Experience was recommended to me - but I hesitated … it took me two years to actually make that effort - I wish I had done so sooner.

I am praying for you - God Bless