My wife moved out

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FaithfulHubby5

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We have been married for over 16 years and she moved out less than a month ago and I’m having a really difficult time with it. I’m still in love with her. She has asked me over the years to go to counselling and I refused because I felt we could work on it ourselves. I’m going now but she refuses to go with me. We haven’t been well for a while, but I just thought it was a bump we would eventually get over. Our relationship has deteriorated as our son grew up and rebelled against me. I did not handle this well. He did not graduate from high school because of drugs and was disrespectful at home. Instead of showing him love I became disappointed in him and shut him out. I was selfish and angry. I threw him out of the house and said some hateful words to him a few months ago. My wife left 2 months after that. I have called him to apologize and continue to text him every other week to see how he’s doing and ask him to lunch w/ my two younger daughters. The girls spend every-other week with me. When she left she said she needed time to decide if she still wants to be married to me. I want to ask her where we stand, but I’m afraid this will push her to say we’re over. I did this regarding our status a couple of months ago. I asked if she was staying or leaving and she said leaving and she moved out a month later. I continue to pray daily for God to forgive my past sins and to save my marriage and to take the pain away from my daughters. I know her family does not support our marriage anymore. My family supports me and our marriage, but also does not want me to suffer anymore. I love my wife and want to be with her. But what if that’s not what she wants?
 
Truely tough times. I pray that God will lead you daily to be the man He calls you to be. Not just to please your wife. this is an excellent time to focus on your faith, and becoming a Holy Man. It will bring many blessing to your children, family, and your own life!

praying
 
Be patient and wait on God’s timing, He will guide you lovingly through this process if you let Him. Allow the counselor to help you decide what to say and when to say it to your wife and pray constantly. I am praying for you right now, God bless you.
 
FaithfulHubby5 said:
We have been married for over 16 years and she moved out less than a month ago and I’m having a really difficult time with it. I’m still in love with her. She has asked me over the years to go to counselling and I refused because I felt we could work on it ourselves. I’m going now but she refuses to go with me. We haven’t been well for a while, but I just thought it was a bump we would eventually get over. Our relationship has deteriorated as our son grew up and rebelled against me. I did not handle this well. He did not graduate from high school because of drugs and was disrespectful at home. Instead of showing him love I became disappointed in him and shut him out. I was selfish and angry. I threw him out of the house and said some hateful words to him a few months ago. My wife left 2 months after that. I have called him to apologize and continue to text him every other week to see how he’s doing and ask him to lunch w/ my two younger daughters. The girls spend every-other week with me. When she left she said she needed time to decide if she still wants to be married to me. I want to ask her where we stand, but I’m afraid this will push her to say we’re over. I did this regarding our status a couple of months ago. I asked if she was staying or leaving and she said leaving and she moved out a month later. I continue to pray daily for God to forgive my past sins and to save my marriage and to take the pain away from my daughters. I know her family does not support our marriage anymore. My family supports me and our marriage, but also does not want me to suffer anymore. I love my wife and want to be with her. But what if that’s not what she wants?
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So she got mad because you kicked your drug-using, disrespectful son out of the house? I think you did the right thing! Maybe she thinks you were too harsh? It would be good if she would agree to counseling. Many times, the mom is much more lenient on the kids and the dad is more of the drill sergeant type. You should both agree on what you will do, what boundaries you will set and enforce, but I know that once a kid rebels, it can throw the whole family system into a tailspin.

Would she go to a Retrouvaille weekend?
 
Our dear son is 19. I’ve gone to confession regularly lately. In moments of extreme weakness, I’ve just prayed and cried. But nothing can take the pain and ache away.
She asked me about Retrouvaille last year and I said no because it fell during our daughter’s birthday. What a fool I was. I asked her about one in February, she said it was too soon.
We still see each other because of our daughters, it’s so tough to see her and know that she’s emotionally not there for me and she feels no love for me. I’ve fought the urge just to hold her and tell her I love her because her rejection would be too much to bear.
I’m just lost without her.
 
She actually wrote him an “eviction” letter a week before I kicked him out. It said he had 30 days to get a job, no more drugs, alcohol, he had to enroll in school and come home every night. She said she could have put up w all our issues but just couldn’t get over kicking out her son. That was what broke her and now she has a wall around her heart.
 
Here are a few Christian resources:

Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed by Gary Chapman (see here)

Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late by Gary Smalley (see here)
 
I’ll go buy those at Barnes after church tomorrow. Thank you.
 
My friend, you are not alone. Most men do not see the marriage crisis coming until their wives walk out. Most, as you did, think, “we can handle it ourselves” and this will sort itself out. The pain and agony you are undergoing is excruciating and you can turn to God or you can run from Him. Nothing anyone can say will make you feel comfortable. You want your wife back and she is not receptive at this point to reconciliation. Use the time to seek God’s face with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. You have a fixing that needs to take place and God is the “great fixer”. Let God work on you and your wife. He can restore your marriage; focus on your relationship with God and let Him help you. Your wife left the marriage for a reason that only she knows; maybe you know and feel fortunate if you do. Pray for God to help you become a better servant, a better husband and a better father and to heal your family. This may take time; God does not work on a timeline and you must be patient, and keep your faith in Him. This unfortunate incident has brought you the pain and suffering of Jacob. Like him you have been forsaken by your family and you are struggling. Jacob would not release his grip on God, do not give up your faith and He will reward you. Once your wife and children have witnessed your change they will be receptive and you may then be provided another opportunity to become that husband and father He leads you to be. Turn to God in your pain and suffering and He will work a miracle. Stay strong, and committed to your faith and marriage; hold on to the stand “there is no quit option” in either. You will get through this with Him!
 
FaithfulHubby5 said:
She actually wrote him an “eviction” letter a week before I kicked him out. It said he had 30 days to get a job, no more drugs, alcohol, he had to enroll in school and come home every night. She said she could have put up w all our issues but just couldn’t get over kicking out her son. That was what broke her and now she has a wall around her heart.
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You are both going through a very painful time and probably punishing yourselves somewhat over your son’s choices. More to the point, the dramas with your son are not going to be over until he stops using.

Be very solicitous that she and your daughters get the counseling they need just to get over the pain they are going through. If your wife has a support network (sisters, lifelong friends, etc), try to be available to care for your girls so that your wife can have time in company that will refresh her and strengthen her. Also, ask your wife how you are going to stand together to find out the best way to help your son. Even if she does not come back to live with you, you still need to parent together. If your son is like most drug users, he is vulnerable to some awful kinds of manipulation and lying arising out of his own heart, in order to get what he wants from you, including playing one of you against the other to his own ruin. He already has a hard road back to make up the opportunities he has lost. You two, being alternately crazy with worry and frustration over his situation, are very vulnerable to becoming victims of his addiction (or other acting out), as well.

Your wife may soften if you suggest that family counseling to be ready to do what is necessary for your son and daughters is something you would like to do with her and any of the children that the therapist asks you to include. If you are diligent about that therapy, she may become more open to a reconciliation in your marriage, too. If not, you will still have done the right thing by your family. Find outside support in order to keep yourself together right now–if you want to act in a steady way, you need to take care of yourself!–but otherwise put your family first right now, and you won’t go wrong. Do take care of yourself, though. As the airlines say, you will be more useful in helping others with their oxygen masks if you see to it that your own oxygen is flowing first. That means emotional therapy, pattern recognition, and skill-building, physical self-care, prayer, the whole man, OK?

*Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! Your kindness hould be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you*.
Phil 4:4-9
 
Perhaps she saw you throwing out your son as the last straw? You stated that things had been tense for a while, you should try praying for her to have a change of heart and I understand being stubborn on marriage counseling my husband was for years but eventually with enough prayer he began going with me have you tried going on a marriage retreat with her? Maybe meet her with some flowers and ask her to a nice dinner and tell her that you think a marriage retreat would help

Ill pray for you marriage can be hard and you seem truly still in love with her God will bring you back together
 
It has been a over a year since the son was kicked out. 🤷

At this point, either the husband and wife aren’t together or they are. But it seems a little late to be giving them advice.
 
You are right in that the recent advice for this husband may not be the most timely but the advice is from the heart and I suspect may be applicable to more than this husband. It is never too late for prayer and hopefully he has kept up his faith and kept in prayer for the past year. I pray for his family; the healing may still be on-going. It would be good to hear from him and to know he is in fellowship with God. Unfortunately many people turn from God when a crisis occurs, seek secular solutions and try to fix things on their own.
I pray he and his wife are in the union of husband and wife focused upon God.
 
I wouldn’t ask her where the two of you stand as a couple.

I would instead say that her moving out was a significant wake-up call to you, and that as a result you are doing counseling taking the steps necessary to address several of the issues that came up with respect to you prior to this in the marriage.

Your only request is that she take the time she needs, and not act hastily, and when you have each sufficiently addressed your personal issues, that she consider working with you on couples counseling. In the meantime you know that you have a lot of work to do in order to help make that further counseling effective and your marriage stronger, and that is what you are going to do. Finally, if your therapist feels it may be useful, you might ask her if she would be willing to meet once or twice with your therapist WITHOUT YOU so that the therapist has a better and more complete picture of the issues you need to address.

I think those steps would let her know just how serious you are. Conveying that sort of message, and taking those actual steps, will be the most effective way for you to move ahead.

Those open and honest steps will also be a weight on her if she needs to be doing the same thing for herself.

Good luck, and may blessings be with you.
 
maryjk said:
It has been a over a year since the son was kicked out. 🤷

At this point, either the husband and wife aren’t together or they are. But it seems a little late to be giving them advice.
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Didn’t notice the age on the thread. Thank you.
 
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