My wife refuses to have sex with me

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My wife and I are both Catholics. We go to church every Sunday and I attend confession every week. I also do a Holy Hour every week. My wife and I both want children and are against birth control methods. We have tried to conceive for over a year now, and nothing has worked. My wife has now given up on sex. She told me a few months ago, “What’s the point in having sex if I can’t get pregnant?” Here are some other things she has mentioned:
  1. Marriage is only about having children
  2. Sex cannot be enjoyable
  3. Foreplay is not allowed
  4. Talking about sex is not allowed
She mentioned that I talk to her father about my sexual urges and let him “teach” me on the way of the Lord. Funny thing is, her father had a vasectomy 22 years ago after the birth of her brother, and it was non-medical related. Only because they couldnt afford another child. I will not take advice from him.

Can someone shed some light on this?

Also,is fertility treatments considered sin?

Thank you all and God Bless
 
You have my prayers…indeed! Could the difficulty of conception be fueling a feeling of anger/frustration against God? It seems like this might be at the heart of what is going on. It is difficult to enter in to sex which is meant to be an act of total self-giving if she has feelings of resentment and feels like God is “holding out” on her. I think the best thing you can do is, first, demonstrate your love to her that (even though you can’t perform the “act”) and hope that this has positive effects. Second, it might make sense to speak with a priest (someone who might know you both better) and see what he might suggest. Also, this is a great opportunity for you to show that you love her for “more than that.” Give her a back-rub…hug her a lot! I think your warmth will work wonders.
 
Instead of you talking to her father, she needs to talk to your priest.

She is not accurately representing Catholic teaching on marriage or sexual intimacy.

The book Holy Sex by Greg Popcak and the book The Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West could be useful. Also, John Paul II’s theology of the body-- Christopher West and others have written good, understandable books on his writings.
 
  1. Marriage is only about having children
  2. Sex cannot be enjoyable
  3. Foreplay is not allowed
  4. Talking about sex is not allowed
Those four objections are not Catholic beliefs.

I suggest that you get a copy of something like the Good News about Sex and Marriage, by Christopher West.

Marriage is alos about bond about building a deep relationship with the other person.
Sex is supposed to be enjoyable that’s how God made it.
Foreplay within reason is permissable.
 
Just wondering…are her thoughts on sex (misguided though they may be) new? Do they differ from what you discussed prior to marriage (pre-cana, perhaps)?

This may help to determine if the cause is related to the difficulty conceiving children, or if they are long-held beliefs instilled in her by her father. In the case of the latter, it may indeed help to chat with her father - not for advice, but to help you better understand the root cause of your wife’s issues.

Seek the cause before the “cure.”
 
joshkt79 said:
My wife and I are both Catholics. We go to church every Sunday and I attend confession every week. I also do a Holy Hour every week. My wife and I both want children and are against birth control methods. We have tried to conceive for over a year now, and nothing has worked. My wife has now given up on sex. She told me a few months ago, “What’s the point in having sex if I can’t get pregnant?” Here are some other things she has mentioned:
  1. Marriage is only about having children
  2. Sex cannot be enjoyable
  3. Foreplay is not allowed
  4. Talking about sex is not allowed
She mentioned that I talk to her father about my sexual urges and let him “teach” me on the way of the Lord. Funny thing is, her father had a vasectomy 22 years ago after the birth of her brother, and it was non-medical related. Only because they couldnt afford another child. I will not take advice from him.

Can someone shed some light on this?

Also,is fertility treatments considered sin?

Thank you all and God Bless
Click to expand...
You and your wife should study the meaning of the marital act (sex in marriage).
I recommend two books for that -

The Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West

Holy Sex…by Catholic Psychotherapist Greg Popcak

Yes you can go for evaluation and treatment of infertility. There are some limitations as some procedures are not acceptable or moral.

usccb.org/LifeGivingLove/index.shtml

Look at all the links especially the following for a quick list of treatments and evaluations.

usccb.org/prolife/issues/nfp/treatment.shtml

Marital sex is both unitive and procreative. The list you wrote is not part of Catholic teaching. I hope you and your wife will pray about this situation , read from these resources and seek help from a holy priest as well. Try to take a step back and give yourselves a break about trying to get pregnant and remember the love and attraction and friendship you felt at the beginning of your relationship. That needs to be cultivated in marriage along with attempts to create and raise a family.

Greg Popcak has also written a book called For Better Forever… You might want to take a look at that one also to work on the marriage.
 
My sense is that the problem runs much deeper than mere information…or right/wrong teaching. Women not being able to have children can have serious psychological effects on them. It seems like she is in despair and my guess is that even she knows that what she is saying is theologically “off.” Please consider a meeting with a priest.
 
This article says that couples who fail to conceive after one year of trying usually conceive in the second year:

pregnancyandbaby.sheknows.com/pregnancy/baby/Have-hope–even-after-a-year-860.htm

On the topic of marital sexual ethics, natural marital relations open to life remains moral, even if the couple is infertile:

Pope Paul VI, Humanae Vitae:
11. The sexual activity, in which husband and wife are intimately and chastely united with one another, through which human life is transmitted, is, as the recent Council recalled, "noble and worthy.’’ It does not, moreover, cease to be legitimate even when, for reasons independent of their will, it is foreseen to be infertile. For its natural adaptation to the expression and strengthening of the union of husband and wife is not thereby suppressed. The fact is, as experience shows, that new life is not the result of each and every act of sexual intercourse. God has wisely ordered laws of nature and the incidence of fertility in such a way that successive births are already naturally spaced through the inherent operation of these laws.
 
Didn’t you know this woman before you married her? Seems like you never talked about this to her before you tied the knot.
 
Michael1985 said:
  1. Marriage is only about having children
  2. Sex cannot be enjoyable
  3. Foreplay is not allowed
  4. Talking about sex is not allowed
Those four objections are not Catholic beliefs.

I suggest that you get a copy of something like the Good News about Sex and Marriage, by Christopher West.

Marriage is alos about bond about building a deep relationship with the other person.
Sex is supposed to be enjoyable that’s how God made it.
Foreplay within reason is permissable.
Click to expand...
good response.

her ideas are not Catholic. and actually when one gets married one agrees thereby to give one the ‘right’ of marital relations…even St. Paul speaks of this…
 
You need to schedule a meeting with your priest. Hopefully he will meet with the both of you together then both individually.
 
1 Cor (ESV for while it is online and based on the RSV which is would like to quote from)

7:1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Hence even in the Word of God…from St. Paul
 
Do you think she actually believes those 4 points you listed (I mean before she became frustrated about not conceiving)? It sounds like she is deeply frustrated. The comment about asking you to consult her father on “the ways of the Lord” is bizarre and offensive. I can’t imagine any man asking his father in law for sex advice about his grown daughter. It almost seems like your wife is lashing out at you in anger. I doubt she actually believes these things and is instead redirecting her frustration at you. I would see a good Catholic counselor and a doctor.
 
Also, you may want to check on omsoul.com to find a NFP-only dr that can help you with morally permissable fertility treatments.
 
joshkt79 said:
had a vasectomy 22 years ago …and it was non-medical related. Only because they couldnt afford another child.
Can someone shed some light on this?
Click to expand...
i can not imagine a reason why it could be done for a pure medical reason…ie perhapd cause one has cancer and things need to be removed…

but in any case if it is done at all for the pervention of conception it is not moral for certain.

but this is side note to your question.
 
Consultation with a priest and a marriage counseling are in order, methinks.
 
Have you both been checked medically (clinically) that you are both able to have children?
 
Michael1985 said:
… Sex is supposed to be enjoyable that’s how God made it.
Click to expand...
Yes, that is how God made it, it’s referred to as “unitive” … in other words, it is suppose to make each one desire the other more so that they will pro-create !!
Michael1985 said:
… Foreplay within reason is permissable.
Click to expand...
NO … foreplay, in and of itself, is not permissable !! Foreplay, in conjunction with the completion of the act, is permissable. However, within the realm of foreplay, the male seimen must be deposited in the woman’s vagina … otherwise, it would simply be birth control.
 
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