My wife wants me to change my way of life

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We have been married for close to two years, and we are expecting a son in May. Now, my wife wants me to pursue a new career in a city. We currently live in rural Texas where I have provided for myself for almost a decade, and the both of us since we got married. We have no rent or mortgage. Now she wants me to pursue a new career, which neither of us know what that will be, in Austin or San Antonio.

I lived in a city just long enough to get my degree, and tailored my life around ensuring that I would not have to live in an urban environment before I met her. I voiced my intent to stay in a rural environment for my family and for myself while we were dating, and she was fully onboard. She had just recently moved out of Houston, and at the time was tired of the stress of an urban environment.

I love her with all of my heart and want her happy, and I’m scared that living in a city will create many new stressors for the both of us. We are bringing our first child into this world in May and I want him to know a happy environment. I don’t want him to know a father that works 60+ hrs weeks to barely cover the cost of living, because he is in an entry level position barely making enough to get by. Not to mention the other stressors that come with urban living. I want both of us happy and able to able raise our children in a good catholic environment. How do I handle this situation?
 
There must be something underlying it that is driving your wife to want to make such a drastic move.

I can share my story. My DH and I met via online dating (Ave Maria). I lived in Houston for 15 years (although raised in small town TX). He lived in WI and was a dairy farmer. The entire county only had 17K people in it. I had 17K in my subdivision in Houston, probably!

When we decided to get married, we decided that i would move and we would live on the farm. Luckily I work remotely for the same company I worked for in H-town. I’ve lived here 15 years now.

I will say that the one thing that’s been difficult for me is making friends. Mainly, I don’t have much in common with the local neighbors for a variety of reasons. And my DH is a super introvert so I can count his friends on one hand. It’s very rural, and I do miss Houston sometimes. I miss my Broadway season tickets. I miss my friends and social events. I miss being able to have access to so many things without driving an hour. I miss decent restaurants-- because the Dairy Queen and Pizza Hut are NOT what I mean by nice restaurant. And if I wanted pot roast and mashed potatoes I’d make that at home-- I’m looking at you “home town restaurant”.

But I – DO NOT-- miss the pace of life, the commute, the stress, etc. When I go back now, which is often for work, I am a stress ball within days.

So find out what she’s missing about Houston, about bigger cities. See if you can find a compromise. I don’t know what you do, but if you can do it rural TX can you do it in suburban TX. There are lots of small towns in the Hill Country corridor between Waco, Austin, San Antonio, etc, that allow for a little of both.

Make a pros and cons list. See if you can find a compromise. And, work with her through some counseling on what it would take to make her want to stay. Weekend trips to the city? A plan for making friends and getting involved in the community? Online resources?

Ultimately, expecting you to pick up and leave a place that’s paid for and start a NEW career after you’ve spent a decade in your current career is pretty unreasonable, and drastic. There must be something underlying all of this.
 
I don’t really have any answers for you but keep in mind that a pregnant wife has multiple issues going on with her body and mind…congrats, by the way!

Now isn’t the time to relocate nor will the first few months after the baby arrives so let your wife know you aren’t ruling a move out as much as saying now isn’t the right time! She may feel differently after the baby arrives and she settles into motherhood. Your view may change as well…never say never! Could she be anxious due to being far away from medical help is an emergency arose? I went through this type of thinking with my first. All sorts of scenarios went through my head.

Good luck and keep communicating with each other. Usually these things work out and I hope this for you, as well!
 
Hue12 said:
How do I handle this situation?
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Go over the pro’s and con’s with her. Write them out on a list. Keep the list, add to it as things come up. It’ll take time to mull over, and pray about.

If moving makes you unhappy then it won’t be worth it. Unless, maybe it’s a temporary move.
 
Hmm…well, the truth is that it isn’t a good idea to make any big decisions when you’re pregnant or in mourning, but it is also true that it is dangerous to bluntly tell that to somebody when they’re pregnant or in mourning.

You have a situation where you want one thing and she wants another thing. OK, usually, the thing to do is to talk about and understand not just the other person and what they want but both your spouse and yourself concerning why it is you want what you want. Sometimes, the underlying goals and issues can be addressed in a number of ways. It is easiest to find a solution if you put in the work to understand the problem and to convince your spouse that you understand their side of the problem, too.

She could want you to pursue a different career for so many reasons. She could be re-thinking her decision to leave the urban environment for so many reasons. I’d say that at this point in your lives as parents, the main thing is to help the other to feel listened to. Doing that will build your trust in each other but it will also help each of you to understand your own motivations and feelings.

I suggest John Gottman’s books, like “Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage” and “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” or the like. Libraries tend to have at least one and often several, so you can read them for free. They’re not all that complicated, but they give some enlightening examples of how couples who communicate well do it. (John Gottman runs a research group that studies the communication of couples and then correlates their behaviors with good or bad relationship outcomes.)

What I would not do is to look at this as a “do we move or not?” or “do I change careers or not?” question. Dig deeper than that, then build your way up to that level of decision-making.

It is unfortunately common for women to go through depression in the postpartum period, too. Having the lines of communication open will help to support her, as well, should her hormones try to play havoc with her mood after she gives birth. You really can’t go wrong with putting in a big investment in husband-wife communication about now.
 
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It is interesting that some you mentioned mourning. I left out a Big issue we’re facing as well. Her mother was recently put on hospice, and I know this is just adding to the situation. I can only imagine what is going on inside of her with so much weighing on her and with the hormones to boot. I try to talk to her and help her in any ways that I can, and this is definitely something that we need to sit down together and get to root of before it snowballs. Thank you for the insight, and please share more.
 
Hue12 said:
It is interesting that some you mentioned mourning. I left out a Big issue we’re facing as well. Her mother was recently put on hospice, and I know this is just adding to the situation. I can only imagine what is going on inside of her with so much weighing on her and with the hormones to boot. I try to talk to her and help her in any ways that I can, and this is definitely something that we need to sit down together and get to root of before it snowballs. Thank you for the insight, and please share more.
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Wow, she is in an emotional blizzard. If you have the wherewithal, try to get her a professional counselor to help her sort out her feelings and to cope with them: I mean to the degree that she’s on board with that. When she got pregnant, she went to her OB/GYN more often. When you both wanted training, you went to reputable schools. It is worth the investment to get professional support for her as she goes through the very emotionally trying challenge of seeing her mother through her mother’s death process even as she sees your son through his introduction to this world. She must feel the weight of the world on her shoulders! Ask her if she would be would like to get professional help in coping with it, whether that is individual counseling or counseling with you there, too. I would frame this as “you don’t need a coach at the gym if you’re just messing around, but if you find yourself in the Olympics all of a sudden, you probably do.”

I would encourage her to put your joint decision about career on the back burner until this particular emotional mountain has been dealt with. You are luckily on good financial footing. Other than putting off investments or spending that might lessen your options, decisions about what is a good career will wait.
 
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Yes…on seeing that your mil is dying, it explains things clearly.

There must be all sorts of things in her mind. I agree, it’s not wise to leave your home, and start a new career, now. And there’s a good chance your wife will feel the same way, once her mourning has subsided a bit.

Is it easy for her to see her mom, now? If not, work on that. There’s a big difference between spending a few days/weeks close to her mother, than changing careers and moving out of the home you’ve lived in for all your marriage. And all with a newborn child.

Please, make no major changes you may not go back on. Don’t even consider it, until after the baby is born. Concern for her mother, plus pregnancy hormones, do not promise a wise decision. Wait!

God Bless! All of you! And congratulations on the baby! Hope it all works out well!
 
Your wife need to share more why she wants you to moove.

She is probably not happy currently and afraid of the future. Pregancy skyrock the fear, and she may be thinking more on her future and the future of her children.

Is she currently working?
made news friends? New social circles? Is she feel isolated?
Does she miss all the commodities of the urban life, such as for health care (very important for a pregnant and a young mother with children!) but also schools near, and the opportunity of a better education and much more choice for the children?
Could she be annoyed by all the logistical such as transportations to do something outside the house?
Is she missing family?
Could she be afraid to be alone after children would left your home after high school to go far away?

Unfortunately for her, it seems that mooving would bring you to an difficult and unsure future… But you have to understand to see what can be done, because she can be depressed and doesn’t adapt herself to her new environment…
 
It would seem that rural life is more difficult for her than she has let on. It is different out there for sure and she has apparently not acclimated herself to the difference that well. Maybe she is just bored; maybe there is something else at work.

Good luck.
 
Hue12 said:
I left out a Big issue we’re facing as well. Her mother was recently put on hospice, and I know this is just adding to the situation.
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You do not have to answer this, but, is her mother facing end of life with the burden of poverty? Your wife may be thinking “I do not want MY children to have to pay for my end of life care, we need to get into the business of bringing home serious bank so we can invest for the future!”
 
Was your MIL already sick when you and your wife married?

I’m wondering if your wife imagined she would have plenty of family and friends wanting/asking to visit and share her rural lifestyle. But now that her mother is on hospice and the baby is coming she is realizing that will not be the case. She’s probably feeling lonely and helpless. Does she have enough female companionship?

As others have said, now is not the time to make big decisions. But I would suggest your spend some extra time figuring out what your wife feels she is missing.
 
I don’t know how helpful any of us can be online right now, based on your original post. Some information seems clearly missing, whether you just haven’t told us, or you haven’t asked your wife for it and don’t know either. You do mention in a follow up that your wife’s mother is in hospice care – that definitely seems potentially significant. Wow, your wife is suddenly thinking through a lot right now! Not only adjusting to life as a new wife, not only adjusting to living in a rural environment, but also preparing to be a mother to a new baby – and preparing for her own mother to die soon. I can’t imagine all the things that might be going through her head right now. Off the top of my head though, it sounds like she feels overwhelmed and wants to know she’s supported – and maybe when she grasps for something to make her feel supported, a crowded urban environment (stacked with hospitals and schools and a variety of businesses, and potential friends around every corner) feels like it has help available for her, that she doesn’t ‘feel’ she has in a rural environment with potentially sparse resources?

My only advice right now is: Talk to your wife. Ask her what, specifically, she is suggesting you pursue for a career in Austin or San Antonio. Ask her why, specifically, she is suggesting this. Gather more information. What are her specific sources of fear/unhappiness about rural living right now – or her specific objects of hope/happiness about urban living?

Only when you know more about what your wife wants, and why, will you be able to work together on continuing to shape a life that meets both of your needs and makes you both happy. You clearly have desires and fears of your own: make sure you (gently, kindly) share them with her. And make sure you (gently, kindly) find out what her desires and fears are. You need to talk.

And in the meantime, as others have mentioned, from an outside perspective it doesn’t sound like this is the time to make a massive life decision like you quitting your job and selling your house and starting over in an unknown career in a new environment. Your wife is under a lot of emotional (and probably hormonal) pressure right now, from the pregnancy and her mother’s situation. This does not sound like the best frame of mind to make a decision in – especially if it’s different from the decision she committed to (rural living) before these influences hit. Maybe see about helping her get more of what she needs right now (like more frequent visits/Skypes with her Mom; more socializing with neighbour friends; evidence of abundant resources for raising children) – without committing to a massive change long term. I’m not suggesting you close the conversation entirely (and certainly you should avoid her feeling like you’re shutting the conversation down) – and at the same time, she may not be 100% clear on her own needs right now, and what she thinks the answer is (“move back to an urban environment”) may not be the only answer.

Anyway, bottom line is, you need to ask your wife some questions, and listen to her answers, to find out what she’s specifically desiring/fearing, right now.
 
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Hue12 said:
We currently live in rural Texas where I have provided for myself for almost a decade, and the both of us since we got married. We have no rent or mortgage. Now she wants me to pursue a new career, which neither of us know what that will be, in Austin or San Antonio.
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We’re well-settled Northern transplants to a medium-sized TX city. Some thoughts:

–San Antonio is not the same as Austin. The median home value in San Antonio is $184k and the median home in Austin is $390k. I think you’re catastrophizing a bit on it being impossible to support your family in or around San Antonio, although I think you’re right to be concerned about Austin.
–What does your wife want in a city that she doesn’t have in your area?
–There are also small and medium-sized cities. There are quite a few of them along I-35 or around larger cities.
–Has your wife thought about schools? With a new baby on the way, that would be my primary concern.
–Does your wife have an existing supporting system in any of the locations she’s thinking of?
–Has your wife thought about the fact that living in a substantially more expensive area will mean that she herself may have to work more than she wishes to, and may miss a lot of kid activities and events due to scheduling conflicts?
–My suggestion is that (insofar as it’s possible) you guys take the opportunity to do daytrips to visit your friends and family who live in larger communities. If at all possible, you might want to aim for heavier traffic days…
 
This might sound over simplified, but is there a middle ground that can be found?
Ie: here in Australia we have Suburb areas which are close enough to go to the City when want and still peaceful enough away from the stress of the City but not isolate like rural area.

Are you self employed or does your current employment depend on you living in the rural area?
Hue12 said:
don’t want him to know a father that works 60+ hrs weeks to barely cover the cost of living, because he is in an entry level position barely making enough to get by.
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I really sympathise with this and I hope you and wife can find a happy compromise:)
 
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Your wife wants you to do something that you don’t want to do, have structured your life so you don’t have to do, and she married you presumably knowing you liked the life you have.

I would wonder what her motivation is for wanting you to make such a big change, especially when she’s pregnant. Is she wanting better schools for the child? Does she feel too isolated in the rural area? Is she trying to move closer to family or friends? I’m presuming that with a baby on the way, she’s not thinking about career or school opportunities for herself right now.

Also, as somebody said, when a woman is pregnant, a lot of bodily changes are happening and it’s probably not a great time to make decisions about big life changes, unless absolutely necessary. Doesn’t sound like it’s absolutely necessary in this case.

I would suggest discussing with your wife why she wants this and see if you can work out some solution that doesn’t involve you having to uproot your entire life when you would prefer to raise your child in the stable situation you’ve already set up. You may end up just having to tell your wife No, you’re not going to do it. And that would be reasonable. My husband made it very clear to me that there were things he was just not going to do, such as move to certain cities he did not want to live in. I respected that.
 
Perhaps. But “Research mode” suggests there’s the possibility of a change or compromise.

If it’s really a “no”, then it’s better to say “no” rather than build up false hope when it’s going to be “no” in the end.
 
Never say never.

There could potentially be a situation (for example with the children) where they really have to move from a rural area if it’s too far from specialist medical care or the local schools can’t serve kids’ needs.

I would really encourage the OP to play it by ear, continue to gather information, and see how things play out. He might, for example, realize that it is possible to have a rural lifestyle within 10 minutes’ drive of a medium-sized TX city…if you choose your location carefully. And that’s where research comes in. (I live in a TX city with low-6 digit population in a city neighborhood, and if you drive 5 minutes away from our house, you’re starting to hit country.)

There are a lot of options, and I don’t think that the OP and his wife have nearly enough information yet in either direction.
 
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