My wife wants me to change my way of life

[Mhkc]

I’d be of the idea, no harm to knock on doors, and see if doors open…imho,forcing things isn’t ever good. But i feel ur pain.

 

[MNathaniel]

“she apparently expects him to slave away at it because feelings.”

This is the kind of thing I’m suggesting we stop saying. We don’t know what OP’s wife’s expectations are (we only know the way he’s interpreted them, and what he’s told us), and we don’t know her reasons. Can we please stop minimizing and putting down the spouse of the OP? It’s possible to empathize with his situation, and offer him constructive advice for which next steps he can reasonably take, without speaking negatively about a woman we don’t know. This isn’t a TV show, and we shouldn’t be rooting ‘for’ or ‘against’ someone on the screen.

Our obligation is to think the most charitable thoughts possible about both parties. That does not involve ganging up on a stranger we realistically know nothing about, behind her back (not to mention how negative it is to do this in ‘front of’ her husband, who has a duty to honour her, and who (if he’s in a healthy place himself) can’t be thrilled to see negative-toned words about his wife online). I’m not suggesting we side with the wife over the husband – nor the husband over the wife. I’m just suggesting we try to keep our suggestions constructive about actions he can take, rather than indulging ourselves in accusatory and dismissive language about the person who doesn’t have a voice in this conversation.

tl;dr: It adds nothing to this conversation to identify potential ‘faults’ in the wife. The only productive thing we can do, when the husband is the one we’re talking to, is suggest concrete next steps for him.

 

[MNathaniel]

that doesn’t reflect very well on her.

← also I’m not trying to dog pile you here (and you’re not the only one I hope reads this; I’m sort of overflowing after seeing a number of posters make comments like this, and your last comment just ends so perfectly in example).

Your last sentence might be productive if the question the OP asked was: “Do you think this situation reflects well or poorly on my wife?”

But it’s not. He asked: “How do I handle this situation?”

And all I’m saying (though now I’ve gone way overboard in terms of saying it in replies to you specifically, and I’m sincerely sorry for that) is that I wish we could all keep ourselves to answering the actual question asked, and not the much more tempting-to-answer ‘question’ that wasn’t asked.

 

[Legend]

And remember, the only things we’ve been told about the OP, and his wife, were told in two posts, by himself, 10 days ago!

I know everyone wants to help, but he’s either found answers elsewhere, or just given up on the problem. Hopefully, he found out, on further discussion with his wife, that her ideas just weren’t that important, and they’ve moved on. Many times a passing idea is taken too seriously. Let’s hope thats the case!

 

[Xantippe]

Whatever his quarters are, she found his situation acceptable enough to marry him. So they can’t be that bad.

They’ve got a baby on the way, so it is quite possible that the situation that might have been fine for them as newlyweds is about to get too cramped or inconvenient, or his income/career track isn’t adequate for a growing family. For example, she might have discovered during the course of the pregnancy that it’s too far to the doctor’s office for her to be zipping back and forth. Or she might have realized that a two-story house is a pain in the neck for a pregnant lady. You change your mind about all kinds of things with experience.

A lot depends on what the concrete situation is. And MNathaniel is correct that the OP has been pretty vague about their current living situation.

 

[Xantippe]

It occurs to me that they might even be living with his family, which could explain a) the lack of mortage/rent and b) his wife’s lack of enthusiasm for their current situation.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

← also I’m not trying to dog pile you here

You are dogpiling … just admit it now so we can move on. No apologies needed.

Look at it this way: how he handles the situation is going to depend in large part on the context in which she is framing her request. Does her request feel more like a demand? An ultimatum, even? Or is it more collaborative? Helpful? We don’t really know that. Because the OP hasn’t given us the context in which his wife is expressing her desires and that context is going to determine how he responds.

Not to mention X’s point about just what the living quarters look like. She drew that out of nothing because the OP didn’t say a thing. Myself, I don’t know too many women who would willingly marry into a lousy living situation to a husband who saw nothing wrong with it. I highly doubt X does either.

 

[MNathaniel]

You are dogpiling … just admit it now so we can move on. No apologies needed.

Lol sorry I legit considered “I’m not trying to dog pile you here” as an implicit confession that I’m dog piling you (while still trying to communicate something I thought worth saying in general, just trying to indicate that I didn’t want you to feel as if my focus was entirely on you). Maybe we come from areas with different manners of speaking. If my intent didn’t come through loud and clear, I’ll happily “admit it”, as you request. And though you say “no apologies needed”, I do apologize.

Cheers!

 

[Legend]

I doubt, from his two posts made 13 days ago, that this man is a redneck loner. He has a college degree, and decided, before planning his marriage, that he would not live in an urban area. He also says that his wife went along with his lifestyle, and only made these requests after her mom was put on hospice care.

We’re free to go on discussing this, but obviously, he has moved on, and I’m guessing that he’s found a solution, permanent or temporary, to his problems. Some have been discussing the struggles of a couple/family that, most likely, does not exist.

If you’re still reading this, OP, I wish you, your wife, and your coming Child the very best! God Bless all of you!