I have a restraining order against my husband for the things he has done to me. He still sees the kids though. He would have to be physically abusive in a verifiable way for him to lose that. He does plenty of emotionally abusive things to my kids and some borderline things like pulling their hair or pinching their ears. He hasn’t crossed a certain line though and there is little that can be done about that.
It sounds like your husband deserves a restraining order. If yours doesn’t apply to your children, then fine. What I know is more about where I am from, and that is where if a woman says she’s abused by a man, that man is guilty until proven innocent.
When a restraining order is in place, the “restrained” person cannot contact anyone who might be near the person being protected. That means children and mutual friends are off limits.
If the woman decides not to call the cops on a man who is still seeing her children, that is her choice in Michigan. But she can easily have him arrested as per the terms in the restraining order.
I mention this because I don’t think that it is good advice to tell someone who is an otherwise good dad to tolerate his wife’s threats just because she could take the kids to a shelter and that he would lose them.
Just in case you are saying this deliberately to me: No where did I suggest that he (the OP) should tolerate what is happening. If you recall, my first post in this thread was advising against just letting the situation go.
At worst that would be a temporary situation and family law courts will hand down serious consequences if one parent makes false accusations and tries to prevent the other parent from continuing to have a relationship with their kids. Believe it or not, our courts do realize that it is in the best interest of kids, and society as a whole, to have both parents actively involved in their children’s lives. Parental alienation is harmful to children, is abuse in and of itself, and there are consequences to parents who use their children as emotional pawns in a game against their estranged spouses.
I agree. If my ex tried to say that I was abusing our daughter, I’d attempt a counter-sue for defamation. That’s not to say I’d win, even though I’d deserve to win.
The fact that we’re dealing with a “guilty until proven innocent” type of case though, makes things very tricky.
I’ve not, thus far, tried to say what the OP needs to do…I’m just indicating that this situation is more tricky than a simple “Let the wife go away for awhile.”
Yes, I know, in the unfortunate BTDT kind of way where I’m trying hard here not to color my interpretation based on my own experience.
When my now-ex first left and took the kids to a shelter when I no longer responded as she wanted to tactics that resonate with what traillius has described so far, I didn’t see my kids for over 6 weeks, and wasn’t allowed to even talk to them on the phone for a month. Still, after that terrible initial phase, I wound up with primary custody. The kids and I are much better off now than we were when my ex ruled our lives with criticism and holding us responsible for her refusal to even try to pull he own weight.
Thank you for enlightening us. (Just in case, not that was not sarcasm.)
Traillius, upon further reflection I’d actually recommend that you go talk to a lawyer now about the threats so you have a plan in place if and when she does leave. In parallel, I’d contact a counselor for marriage therapy, but go yourself is she refuses to try to work on dealing with her. I suspect that in your jurisdiction you will also get a much different play in court if it looks like the abuse allegation came as her trying to get an advantage based on a false claim when she initiated leaving a failing marriage she didn’t want to work on herself rather than a desperate run by a woman who’s man was trying to keep her under his control.
This is good advice.
I’d also add, that if his wife decides to pull the “abuse card” and a restraining order is, in fact, put in place: Let the lawyer do all the talking. Do not try to call the wife and kids…if there is something you need to know, have it asked through the lawyer. (The restraining order is not on the lawyers, after all.)
