My wife

[Ray_Scheel]

In that case, I’ll repeat the recommendation to the Divorce Busting site I linked earlier combined with letting your counselor know about the threat to try to get guidance on what to do. Try to get some joint counseling started as well if you can, or at least get it established in your own mind that you really tried to get some outside help for your relationship proper.

It does sound like you have plenty of credible sources seeing what is going on in your home and that you are being transparent as you can be. If she leaves though, be prepared to act to keep the home life for the kids as stable as possible (and that would include acting to get a court to order the kids home even if she didn’t want to come back herself). If she’s not taking her meds regular (you can prove that through how often she gets her refills).

As far as an armchair diagnosis, the exact label isn’t even that useful in treatment aside from helping categorize the most likely set of approaches to resolve particular symptoms.
There are a lot of narcissistic elements to what you’ve described, but those can span several other types of diagnosis in addition to being a primary disorder.

 

[Ruthie]

Just a little something about what **might **be going on with the wife. I am not in any way discounting what you are going through, Traillius.

There is a type of bipolar called Type II, or “soft” bipolar. I have it. In this type, the manic phases are more like normal living. In my case, when I’m “up,” I can keep the house looking nice, pay bills on time, etc. When I’m down, it takes a major expenditure of mental effort to do those things, and they frequently don’t get done. Possibly this is what is going on with her. One of the symptoms is that antidepressants stop working after a while. I’ve been on 5 or 6 different ones since I was diagnosed in '95.

Being depressed can color your whole world, and make you think that compliments are insincere, offered help is an attack, and the other things Traillius listed. I have had times when I have had to struggle against such thoughts.

I have also had times when I was flat too depressed to take my meds. But I also know some people who let pride get in the way, because they don’t want to be dependent on little pills.

It *might *be possible that things might improve if she gets the right doctor, especially if she is bipolar type II.

I’m not trying to take her side, in fact I second the advice to be proactive and get a lawyer and counseling (or proof of unwillingness to go to counseling) NOW.

Ruthie

 

[KingAlfred]

spoiler warning: the following is abrupt but offered in Christian love. it may be a little tough to take. Trallius, if you don’t want to hear it, pass this post over:

you’ve had child care issues. ask your parish to find someone to care for your kids while you and your wife do a retrovaille weekend.

in the meantime, make sure her docs know of her erratic behavior.

is she taking her medications?

what are you doing to get her some outside activities? have you called local churches to get gals to come play cards, talk politics, look at home decorating magazines with her?

you help her get cleaned up in the morning, tidy the house and help her prepare for a few guests-- put the coffee on, buy some stella doro cookies.

get the kids out for an hour.

you have a job, but you have a vocation, too. your vocation is more intense as your wife is disabled and you have little kids. tend to your vocation when you’re home and tend to your job when you’re at work

whatever your ‘wrongdoings’ have been stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop bleeding guilt on demand and get a grip.

your wife needs extra care. give it to her.

and get to retrovaille.

No offense intended, Jean, but…how do you know all these things about the OP? Did I overlook something in his post?

 

[KingAlfred]

The few times my wife has threatened to leave me, I felt scared to death. I got me a good wahman…as they say in Texas. Hang in there, OP. If she has depression, that’s probably most of the problem. She probably needs more or different meds. Get her doctor all over this.

 

[monicatholic]

how do you know all these things about the OP?

been reading his various posts-- all about his miseries with his wife.

 

[KingAlfred]

Cool. Didn’t know that.

Traillus, Old Buddy…I’ve had your nightmare. My first wife was a lovely person, sometimes, but most of the time, very neurotic. Truthfully, aside from getting your wife professional help, there isn’t much you can do to change her thinking and bizarre behavior. If you end up getting divorced, try to live near the kids, so you can remain active in their lives, preferably seeing them every single day of their childhood. Be strong, Sir. God is with you.