My Wife

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Redkite

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I have to ask some opinions and advice here. A brief background first; My wife and I met at school when we were both 13yrs old. We have been together ever since, we were married in a Church of England church in 1978 raised our kids and we do have a very close loving relationship. Our marraige has always been strong, She has always been the only girl for me.
She has never been particularly spiritual or religious herself but was easy going about such things. However when I became Catholic in 2011 she was supportive in an "if thats what you want but don’t involve me " kind of way. Fair enough.
She loves our Parish priest and seems to think a lot of him and will support Church events like fetes and fairs etc.
However, she resolutely refuses to attend mass with me even in a supporting role and pours scorn on the church and since 2011 especially the Catholic church.
When she is home channels like ewtn or christian tv programmes are not tolerated, I am not allowed to display crucifixes or statues in the home where they will be seen by visitors and she will make comments if i wear my crucifix over my shirt, it is a normal small size crucifix in silver.
I am quiet by nature so do not preach in the home about my faith and pretty much keep my beliefs to myself. My mrs gets angry if I want to buy anything religious like a new bible or a nice new rosary or jewellery or a figurine. All my stuff is upstairs.
If I mention anything about church or my faith I get the sharp end of her tongue, even the kids have noticed when they visit.
Why do you think she is like this? she won’t talk about it and now I just avoid the subject.
If you have read all of this thank you.
 
Before becoming Catholic, were you actively religious? Being married to someone for as long as you have and living one way and then that all suddenly changing is probably a big shock to the system. It’s almost equivalent to changing cultures. Imagine if your wife decided you were joining a tribe in the Amazon? It would take some time!

Depending on your lifestyle, the wife is usually quite protective of her home as its usually the wife’s domain more so than the husbands. She may be worried she is losing you?

I’m the religious one in our house so I have a few small things around the house but again, it’s my domain! I’ve also been the same since my husband and I met so I’ve not changed in that sense. He hasn’t come to church with me except weddings etc but I don’t expect him to. I find if I focus on supporting HIS beliefs (or lack of) he is very supportive of mine. I’m currently seeking a church and I do talk to him about it from time to time.

Sorry I can’t be more help, my only advice is be patient and gentle, pray. Don’t expect her to join you and make sure you aren’t being “too much, too quickly” with her. Maybe get a little cupboard to keep your things in, don’t make a big deal about buying a rosary etc. Keep YOUR faith strong but don’t rush your wife.
 
You didn’t mention if she goes to her church. If she does, do you go with her? It might be helpful.

Even tho my husband & I are both Catholics (him life-long, me a convert), we often disagree with how we live the faith. I confess that I used to be a bit nasty about his wanting to go to daily mass more often (there were other issues that made my objections seem sensible at the time), but I’ve calmed down since then. But it has taken years & we’re still not on the same page.

So give your wife plenty of space & time.

Re: artwork in house. Is she against all Christian art or just Catholic art? If it’s just the Catholic flavor she objects to, see if there is Christian art that isn’t overtly Catholic that you both enjoy. We gave my non-Catholic, slightly anti-Catholic mother a framed picture of a stained glass window from the Catholic church we used to attend. The subject was King David. Mom loved it.
 
“Why do you think she is like this?” My guess would be that she is afraid-afraid of change and as True_Faith13 mentioned she may be worried she is losing you. When we do something different than what others are used to they may tend to become fearful of being left behind. When it comes to change the ego is as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
May you and yours be filled with loving kindness. May you and yours be well. May you and yours be peaceful and at ease. May you and yours be happy.
 
It is not against flesh and blood we are
wrestling w/, but with the… spiritual
forces of evil in the heavenly places,Eph. 6:
12 so we should NOT fight on the physical
realm, using crucifixes, watching EWTN,
but PRAY and FAST and ALMS-GIVING.
Maybe there needs to be more communica-
tion between you and your wife, and
commitment and conflict resolution.
GBY.

Our Father, who is in heaven,
hallowed be Your Name,
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses as
we forgive those who trespass against us,
(forgive us our debts as
we forgive our debtors),
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is w/ you,
blessed are you among women,
blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners, now,
and at the hour of our death.(x3)
Amen.
 
Umh I don’t think I should give advice to anyone who’s probably three times my age but like someone already suggested, maybe you should try to put yourself into your wife’s shoes. After being married for over 30 years it might have been a huge shock for her that you became Catholic. If she suddenly joined the Mormon Church your reaction would probably be very similar.
I converted to Catholicism in age of 18 and my parents, especially mom, were outraged, disapointed and devastated of it. It took time for them to adjust to the situation and accept my new faith. They’re still not 100% ok with it but we can talk about it without fighting. My dad even jokes about it sometimes. It’s been a year now and things are getting a lot better even though I still live in same apartment with them.
Hopefully things will turn out to be fine with your wife.
 
Redkite said:
I have to ask some opinions and advice here. A brief background first; My wife and I met at school when we were both 13yrs old. We have been together ever since, we were married in a Church of England church in 1978 raised our kids and we do have a very close loving relationship. Our marraige has always been strong, She has always been the only girl for me.
She has never been particularly spiritual or religious herself but was easy going about such things. However when I became Catholic in 2011 she was supportive in an "if thats what you want but don’t involve me " kind of way. Fair enough.
She loves our Parish priest and seems to think a lot of him and will support Church events like fetes and fairs etc.
However, she resolutely refuses to attend mass with me even in a supporting role and pours scorn on the church and since 2011 especially the Catholic church.
When she is home channels like ewtn or christian tv programmes are not tolerated, I am not allowed to display crucifixes or statues in the home where they will be seen by visitors and she will make comments if i wear my crucifix over my shirt, it is a normal small size crucifix in silver.
I am quiet by nature so do not preach in the home about my faith and pretty much keep my beliefs to myself. My mrs gets angry if I want to buy anything religious like a new bible or a nice new rosary or jewellery or a figurine. All my stuff is upstairs.
If I mention anything about church or my faith I get the sharp end of her tongue, even the kids have noticed when they visit.
Why do you think she is like this? she won’t talk about it and now I just avoid the subject.
If you have read all of this thank you.
Click to expand...
I suggest the book “Boundaries in Marriage.”

About the purchases, do you and your wife do a budget? If so, do you both have “fun money” or “blow money”? I recommend that if you aren’t doing it. If you are doing blow money, you can say something like, “Sweetie, that’s what I want to buy with my fun money. That’s what fun money is–we get to spend it on what we want without giving each other a hard time about it.”
 
Xantippe said:
I suggest the book “Boundaries in Marriage.”

About the purchases, do you and your wife do a budget? If so, do you both have “fun money” or “blow money”? I recommend that if you aren’t doing it. If you are doing blow money, you can say something like, “Sweetie, that’s what I want to buy with my fun money. That’s what fun money is–we get to spend it on what we want without giving each other a hard time about it.”
Click to expand...
Dave Ramsey follower. Busted. 😛

Just kidding, I agree fully and this is how my wife and I get around non-religious disagreements in opinion or money. That’s your criticism-free full-grown-man do-what-you-want folding money. Whether you want to go rent a balloon artist with it or buy a study Bible, it’s the argument-free zone.

Ryan
 
FghtinIrshNvrDi said:
Dave Ramsey follower. Busted. 😛

Just kidding, I agree fully and this is how my wife and I get around non-religious disagreements in opinion or money. That’s your criticism-free full-grown-man do-what-you-want folding money. Whether you want to go rent a balloon artist with it or buy a study Bible, it’s the argument-free zone.

Ryan
Click to expand...
Yep.

Obviously, nothing sinful or dangerous, but silly is fine. True story: my husband bought a set of fencing gear for him and the kids with his once–it took most of a year to make that happen. I bought a $400 jogging stroller with mine once. Did I need a $400 jogging stroller? No, but I really wanted it, and I saved like crazy to get it.

It’s really important not to have to “discuss” every single purchase.
 
Marriage is a 2 way street and requires constant communication, compromise and forgiveness. One should never feel bullied or intimidated by their spouse. It sounds like your wife is “wearing the pants” in the relationship in my opinion. In that you sound a bit intimidated by her rules/requests. Don’t be afraid to give her your opinion and stand up for what you believe in. You should be able to reach a mutual compromise. Good luck!
 
I would suggest you speak to your parish priest about this. Concessions must be made in marriage and I don’t think it will be productive to “shove” your faith in her face. As long as you are able to go to mass and fulfill your obligations as a Catholic, it may be prudent to make sacrifices for her sake. You may win her in time by living your faith as the perfect example of a loving, self-giving, respectful Catholic husband. Pray for her every day - for her heart to be softened. I’m in the same boat. My wife is not Catholic and will not allow me to put up overtly Catholic religious around the house. My icons and crucifix and statues are either with understanding family or in storage. Thankfully I do have a Catholic bible on my upper book shelf with an icon of Our Lord printed on the front cover- this has never bothered her. In regards to purchases, I second the suggestion of you both having your own personal “allowance” to use at your own discretion. This is what my wife and I did.
 
I agree that the root of the problem is spiritual - we fight not against flesh and blood but powers and principalities. So you know how to wage that spiritual battle, since you know how to pray, and you have all the graces available to you through the Holy Church. Trust in Jesus. Ask His assistance through His Blessed Mother - He can’t refuse her!

I also agree that the Boundaries in Marraige book would be very good for you. I read the author’s other book on boundaries and it was very helpful. Reading it will give you a perspective you probably need. This link has reviews:
amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310243149

So your wife doesn’t think you are plotting against her by reading it, you can tell her that you want to understand how best to avoid arguing about your faith, and say, “Its a good book! You should read it!”.

The authors’ other book on Boundaries was helpful to my husband as his adult daughter was very bold and he was no good at setting boundaries. (I previously had to learn to set them in my life too, as it did not come naturally). My husband and I have only been married two years, but were planning marriage and waiting for annulments before that for a couple of years. We were long distance so I did not get not see his daughter very often but there was a lot of misunderstanding at first, drama every time we got together, a lot because of her boldness. But I just trusted the Lord and its completely different now - we get along so well and enjoy each others company very much. But my husband and I, early on, each had to make certain boundaries clear, which wasn’t so easy for us, and even harder for my husband who was new at boundary-making. Its seemed to really help - in fact, we both learned that she can take boundaries just fine. Basically it had to be clearly made, then her reaction was simple like “okay” and that was that. Problem solved.

Like bold, enthusiastic, confident children, some folks just need to know where the boundaries are - and if you don’t make them, they will assume they don’t exist. Once you make it clear what they are (which can be difficult for those who are reluctant to make boundaries and would rather just complain when the person oversteps their “invisible” boundary) the bold person often can handle it just fine. That’s what I suspect will happen with your wife, who is comfortable with you and knows what she likes and doesn’t like and is comfortable saying just what she thinks. As strong as she states her opinion, you will probably find that when you calmly state clear boundaries, she can handle it fine. The Boundaries book will help you clarify when/how/why you should make boundaries, giving you good things to contemplate, and with the Lord’s help I am sure you will do the right thing.
 
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