Myspace irritation

[Teakafrog]

OK, I have fought against it for years, but finally caved and started a myspace thingy. I have a friend who moved out of the country and her email never works, but somehow she can get on there–so I started a page so I could talk to her.
I haven’t done much with it, but the last couple days I finally decided to fill in the blanks.
So then I go look at my hubby’s page.
He’s ‘friends’ with 2 of his ex-girlfriends. What’s up with that? :ehh:
I am so not the jealous type, but this made me a little upset. :dts: So I ask him about it, and he says, “You’re not that insecure, are you?” :banghead:
So what do you think? Should I be upset about it or not?
And for the record, no he has never cheated on me, never given me any reason at all to think he would, and doesn’t do anything else horrible like look at porn. That’s why it bugged me when I found this, and he just blew me off.

 

[bunnynessuk]

It isnt about you being insecure - I would be very annoyed if my h2b was friends with exes even if it was on a myspace or facebook.
The fact is that you are married to him and out of respect for you he shouldn’t have these so - called friendships!

You not liking it doesnt mean you dont trust him it means that you are female!

 

[Nanny_PK]

Personally I would not be bothered by my husband having myspace friends – this is assuming that I have no other reason to doubt any of his actions. Let me say that I am single so this is kind of a hypothetical for me I also think that because I’m older (38) that I’m not as upset about those things. I have always had male friends – my best friend in high school was a guy and we occasionally chat. I could not fathom dating/marrying a guy who would have a problem with that – again, provided I gave him no reason to be concerned. That’s just my two cents. That and $3 will buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks if you’re lucky

 

[rayne89]

Nope I would not like it AT ALL. I think contact with exes are disrespectful to our marriage, I can’t imagine my husband doing that.:tsktsk:

 

[Belgarion]

I’d say it depends on the situation.

I’ve never dated anyone, but I am friends with someone I was involved with.
We talk occasionally, and its limited to that. We know we aren’t meant for each other, and we have moved on to ther people.

However, there is one other case where I liked a girl who did not like me back. She stopped talking to me, but I still kept her as a contact on Myspace and MSN. I only recently deleted her from them because I felt it was stupid and pointless to have her on there.

If your husband was keeping them on there because they were friends first and tried out the dating thing, it didn’t work out and now they’re just friends…I’d say its OK…but if he’s holding on to them for some other reason…Its not a good thing at all.

 

[kind_bean]

I think it depends on your situation, his past & present behavior, if he has ever given you reasons to question his trust and faith, etc. I keep in touch with an ex of mine (we dating for over 3 1/2 years, talked about marriage) over the phone with calls once or twice a month. There is nothing there, we have just remained good friends. I am married now and they are in a serious relationship. My husband trusts me and knows that I am not interested in them like that anymore, so he doesn’t mind.

That being said, if this was something that mt husband was very upset about and after much discussion, I would reluctantly tell my ex that I could no longer talk to them. But it would really make me upset the my husband didn’t trust me enough.

However, if you husband has given you solid reasons to question your trust in him (you caught him in a lie, did things he said he wouldn’t do, etc) then I would take it more seriously.

Could you ask him why he wants to remain in touch with these exgfs? If his reason sounds reasonable enough to you, than I would try not to worry about it too much. If they sound fishy, tell him your concerns.

 

[Writer]

OK, I have fought against it for years, but finally caved and started a myspace thingy. I have a friend who moved out of the country and her email never works, but somehow she can get on there–so I started a page so I could talk to her.
I haven’t done much with it, but the last couple days I finally decided to fill in the blanks.
So then I go look at my hubby’s page.
He’s ‘friends’ with 2 of his ex-girlfriends. What’s up with that? :ehh:
I am so not the jealous type, but this made me a little upset. :dts: So I ask him about it, and he says, “You’re not that insecure, are you?” :banghead:
So what do you think? Should I be upset about it or not?
And for the record, no he has never cheated on me, never given me any reason at all to think he would, and doesn’t do anything else horrible like look at porn. That’s why it bugged me when I found this, and he just blew me off.

It’s not a big deal maybe in and of itself, but it seems to display a real lack of good judgement. I think you’re right for being a little upset about it.

 

[whatevergirl]

If they were just catching up, it would be one thing…but continuing ongoing conversations…I mean, about what? I am not still friends with ex boyfriends. I’m not jealous either, but it would make me wonder why my husband didn’t just tell me who’s on his list…like that he has caught up with so and so. I doubt your husband is hiding a thing, but, I don’t think that it’s edifying to your marriage.

All that we do as married folks, should be to edify our marriage, and reaching out to ex’s…just not seeing how that is edifying.

I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, but I would tell your husband what I said…that it doesn’t edify your marriage, it just causes you angst. As your husband, your feelings of comfort come before whimsical chats with ex’s. Your request/reaction is not unreasonable. If he had bumped into an ex on the street with you standing there, and stopped to say hello, and you got upset–that is overreacting. This isn’t, in my eyes.

Just my two cents worth.

 

[whatevergirl]

If they were just catching up, it would be one thing…but continuing ongoing conversations…I mean, about what? I am not still friends with ex boyfriends. I’m not jealous either, but it would make me wonder why my husband didn’t just tell me who’s on his list…like that he has caught up with so and so. I doubt your husband is hiding a thing, but, I don’t think that it’s edifying to your marriage.

All that we do as married folks, should be to edify our marriage, and reaching out to ex’s…just not seeing how that is edifying.

I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, but I would tell your husband what I said…that it doesn’t edify your marriage, it just causes you angst. As your husband, your feelings of comfort come before whimsical chats with ex’s. Your request/reaction is not unreasonable. If he had bumped into an ex on the street with you standing there, and stopped to say hello, and you got upset–that is overreacting. This isn’t, in my eyes.

Just my two cents worth.

 

[whatevergirl]

Oops–I tried to edit…but it copied it over instead…oh well!

 

[duskyjewel]

His reaction is what concerns me. When you asked him why he has them as friends, he didn’t say, “Oh, we catch up now and then and tell funny stories about our kids, work, etc.” He turned it around and made it a character flaw in you that you would be concerned. He deflected attention from his own actions onto your character and then put you down, to boot.

People who are proud of the things they do don’t run away from taking responsibility or credit. People who are sure that what they are doing is right do not hide behind deflection or blame others.

I think you should have a calm talk with him and suggest he reevaluate his reaction and determine if he could improve upon it. Because he treated you really badly. We all say stupid things, even great husbands screw up. But ask him how he would feel if you added a bunch of old boyfriends as friends on YOUR page, and then when he asked about it, your only response was a deflective, defensive accusation of insecurity on his part. Would that make HIM feel secure about the state of your marriage?

Maybe that will get him to understand that all he accomplished with that answer was negative. You deserve an apology, and he needs to seriously re-think having those women as “friends.” If it’s something he wants to hide from his wife, or can’t discuss honestly and openly with her, then it’s bad for the marriage.

 

[armyross]

OK, I have fought against it for years, but finally caved and started a myspace thingy. I have a friend who moved out of the country and her email never works, but somehow she can get on there–so I started a page so I could talk to her.
I haven’t done much with it, but the last couple days I finally decided to fill in the blanks.
So then I go look at my hubby’s page.
He’s ‘friends’ with 2 of his ex-girlfriends. What’s up with that? :ehh:
I am so not the jealous type, but this made me a little upset. :dts: So I ask him about it, and he says, “You’re not that insecure, are you?” :banghead:
So what do you think? Should I be upset about it or not?
And for the record, no he has never cheated on me, never given me any reason at all to think he would, and doesn’t do anything else horrible like look at porn. That’s why it bugged me when I found this, and he just blew me off.

It would bug me. I think you have a right to be upset.

 

[kevinsgirl]

I’m on facebook and most of my friends from school are guys (that’s what happens when you major in engineering…).

DH has never had a problem with that and I try to use good judgment…I don’t email them except to congratulate them on their marriages, babies, new houses, etc. Also, I do not keep in contact with my ex bf and DH doesn’t keep in contact with any of his previous gfs. We decided to do that while we were dating–it made things a lot simpler on both sides.

Like PPs have said it’s not so much your husband being on good terms with his exes so much as his reaction to you. If it upsets you, it is not unreasonable of you to ask that he not keep in touch with his exes.

HTH!

kevinsgirl

 

[shannyk]

Nope I would not like it AT ALL. I think contact with exes are disrespectful to our marriage

I agree with this.

I agree with dusky’s assessment that his reaction is troubling.

I also think myspace is a plague on society and full of nothing but trash, temptation for men especially, and seems to be treated like some kind of 5th dimension where anything goes. Just one look at the homepage makes me creeped out. I honestly don’t know why any grown married person would be on there. If it is for family contact, or professional networking, there are better places for that.

Teaka I don’t think you are wrong to be miffed at the whole thing. I think (my opinion only) that both of you should deactivate your accounts on there. No good can come of it.:twocents:

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I’m a tad older, but I use 2 Myspaces to keep up with family One is to post photos of the kids, etc., in a PRIVATE myspace site. The other is an open site where I post things that I don’t care if the whole world knows.

Anyway- If it was my husband’s friend Pat*, who has been married for 34 years to an evangelical minister, has 5 kids and 8 grandkids, no problem. If it was my husband’s old flame Jade*, who has never learned to behave herself, BIG problem.

*Names were change to protect the guilty and innocent.

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree with this.

I agree with dusky’s assessment that his reaction is troubling.

I also think myspace is a plague on society and full of nothing but trash, temptation for men especially, and seems to be treated like some kind of 5th dimension where anything goes. Just one look at the homepage makes me creeped out. I honestly don’t know why any grown married person would be on there. If it is for family contact, or professional networking, there are better places for that.

Teaka I don’t think you are wrong to be miffed at the whole thing. I think (my opinion only) that both of you should deactivate your accounts on there. No good can come of it.:twocents:

I agree with much of what you say here.

 

[Teakafrog]

Anyway- If it was my husband’s friend Pat*, who has been married for 34 years to an evangelical minister, has 5 kids and 8 grandkids, no problem. If it was my husband’s old flame Jade*, who has never learned to behave herself, BIG problem.

*Names were change to protect the guilty and innocent.

See, that’s the problem. I know for a fact the one at least is a slut–she cheated on HIM several times while they were dating! And I know from several other people that when she later got married, it was an ‘open’ marriage . So, yeah, I don’t trust the tramp.

I have no problem with him having female friends. He hangs out with his best friend’s sisters a lot (both also married), whatever. Not a big deal. It’s these particular exes, at least the one–I don’t know the other. I know she has been emailing him for a couple years, he told me about it. But when I went and saw the ahem avatar of her half-dressed on his myspace page… not happy.

 

[whatevergirl]

See, that’s the problem. I know for a fact the one at least is a slut–she cheated on HIM several times while they were dating! And I know from several other people that when she later got married, it was an ‘open’ marriage . So, yeah, I don’t trust the tramp.

I have no problem with him having female friends. He hangs out with his best friend’s sisters a lot (both also married), whatever. Not a big deal. It’s these particular exes, at least the one–I don’t know the other. I know she has been emailing him for a couple years, he told me about it. But when I went and saw the ahem avatar of her half-dressed on his myspace page… not happy.

I would definitely communicate some of your thoughts to him…again, he’s your husband, and should care about what ***you ***think, than continuing to chat with women he dated in a medium that excludes you.

 

[susananne]

I also think myspace is a plague on society and full of nothing but trash, temptation for men especially, and seems to be treated like some kind of 5th dimension where anything goes. Just one look at the homepage makes me creeped out. I honestly don’t know why any grown married person would be on there. If it is for family contact, or professional networking, there are better places for that.

AMEN!!!
I know Facebook and Myspace can be used for keeping in contact, but for the most part- it has been perverted!

 

[surfinpure]

My husband does not have a Myspace page, but I do, because nearly all of my old friends and acquaintances use it and it’s the easiest way for me to keep up with them.

I currently have two ex-boyfriends (from when I was 17!) and a couple of other guys I dated listed as friends. We send happy birthday messages and occasional polite correspondence. My husband is not bothered in the least about it, but if he were, and I could not assuage his concern, I would courteously and respectfully bid adieu to those few people. I owe my husband that respect.

This may sound strange, but I believe the issue might be a little more serious when it comes to keeping up with old girlfriends. The reason is that many women use Myspace as a kind of showcase for their more flattering (and often immodest) photographs. My husband doesn’t have to worry about my accidentally (or otherwise) viewing immodest pictures of old guy friends, because I’m simply not wired that way, but I would probably be concerned about what the women he kept in touch with were posting of themselves.