Nana no-help

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movingmom

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I really need help in dealing with my mother. She is of no help when it concerns her grandchildren (my 3 kids and my sister’s 2). I do not ask her to do much, believe me, I have a mother in law who is VERY helpful - thank you GOD! My mom will not sit for myself or my sister on an emergency basis, let alone if we need a night out. Does not change a diaper, feed or interact with any grandchildren - yet she spouts to all of her friends about all that she does for the grandkids. This is all for show I know, but it is really irritating. I finally had enough on Sunday night and told her that I thought it was pathetic that she has never changed a diaper, babysat, played on the floor with the kids, etc., all while bragging that she’s some sort of “super” Nana. I think I could handle it if she called it as it is - a Nana in name only. She has been a disappointing grandparent to say the least, and I know I have to let it go, but it is very difficult when she sees things a different way. At this point I am just praying that she will see the light and realize before she knows it the grandkids will grow up and not be around as much and she will have missed their entire childhood. Until then, I would like to be in same room with her and my kids and not resent the way she pats them on the head and sends them on their way (stinky diapers and all!!) Can anyone give me some tips on getting over my bitterness and just be ok with the way she is? Thanks!
 
excuse me, are you recovering from surgery or going through some other crisis which makes it impossible for you to care for your own children? your mom did her job now you do yours. if you need a babysitter, pay for one. If you need her in an emergency of course she should help - if physically able - but why do you need her on a daily basis?

Maybe this grandma will be the kind who relates to the kids much better by sharing her interests with them, reading to them, listening to them, praying for them, handing on her faith – than by the more obvious physical care-taking tasks.

Perhaps she has tried changing diapers, bathing, preparing meals or doing other things for her grandchildren in the past and been roundly criticized by her DDs for “doing it wrong” so does not want to intrude her old-fashioned methods into your smoothly running operation.

Perhaps she can barely tolerate being in the same house with 3 or 4 totally undisciplined children where she is forbidden to correct them in any way, and has found her well-meant and hard-earned advice and suggestions totally unwelcome.

Two sides to every story, let’s hear her side.
 
MovingMom,

my mother is like this. My husband works with someone who knows my parents and this coworker is always telling my husband how much my parents do with the kids and how lucky we are that they are so involved. Pure fantasy. My parents rarely saw the kids. We have heard several stories from people that imply this awesome relationship with my kids. It is so odd.
I am slowly getting over it. My parents apparently experienced things in life that made them the way they are. My father is now deceased. I get over the hurt by telling myself that they have done the best they can.It falls really short but perhaps it was their best. I don’t understand why my Mother is the way she is. I feel real pity for her. I see how awesome my kids are. My inlaws love to be with them. Perhaps my Mother doesn’t know what she is missing. Perhaps she does and it hurts her and she doesn’t know how to change. I try to encourage her by giving her the opportunities. She doesn’t take them. But somehow in her head she thinks she has .
So pray for your Mother. Thats the best you can do. Offer her opportunities. See if you can have a conversation with her to encourage her involvement .Don’t criticize her. This will probably cause further alienation. Otherwise LET IT GO. This is who she is. She probably was a similiarly uninvolved Mother with you and she isn’t going to change now.

Dianne
 
I’d have to agree with PuzzleAnnie…

My mother is a 55 year old grandmother to my 14 month old niece, her one and only grandchild (so far). She takes care of Ella WAY beyond the call of duty…to the point where the rest of my siblings and I are very annoyed with my brother for taking advantage of my mother’s time and generosity.

When my husband and I have our children, we will not be asking my mother to spend exorbitant amounts of time physically caring for our babies. My brother and the mother of his child seem to think it is perfectly acceptable to dump Ella at my mother’s house…whenever. My mother provides childcare three days a week and two nights, and every other weekend during the daytime hours. Sometimes my brother is around, sometimes he is not. My brother and Ella’s mom seem to think they need a lot of “alone time.” It’s unbelievable to me that they won’t simply pay for a babysitter. Personally I think it’s very cheap. There are always safe babysitters that you can carefully screen or find through church or friends. If they “need a night out,” as the OP said, why don’t you PAY for a night out by also providing childcare that you pay for?

I have spoken to my brother about this, as have my other sisters. He seems to think that since my mother is letting him do it, therefore it must be okay. It has caused a major rift as I have seen my mother physically exhaust herself and miss out on time that should be spent with my father.

I also hope that by the time the rest of us have children, my mother isn’t completely burned out on being a grandmother. Ella is a very sweet 14 month old, but VERY demanding (probably because she has her every whim catered to).

I don’t think it’s a grandparent’s role to be a slave to their grandchild’s physical needs. My grandparents did not diaper us, clothe us or bathe us. I remember the personalities of each of my grandparents VERY well, because we DID things together. We spent hours just talking or playing, depending on our age. They taught me about prayer, about sacrifice, they told me stories about the great depression and the ways of Ireland. They cheered for me at soccer games and came to my plays and recitals and made me feel special and cherished. They were gentle in their reprimands but firm in guiding all of us by the lessons they had learned.

My parents eventually had nights out together, when we got older, but they paid for a babysitter. They loved their parents and wanted to spend time with them as an extended family with us kids in tow. They did not “use” their parents as a babysitter. Some of my FAVORITE memories, of all time, are remembering the family parties of my childhood, before my grandparents and great aunts and uncles passed away.

I think the OP has very unrealistic expectations for her mother.
 
I also have to agree with Puzzleannie.

These are YOUR children. It is YOUR responsibility to change stinky diapers, feed them, discipline them, and PAY for a sitter for nights out. Your mother raised her children. Now you raise yours. She is in NO WAY obligated to offer you free childcare!

Unless you are really sick or disabled, you should be doing all these things, not your mother. (if you are sick, I apologize, but if not, then you need to get busy raising your own kids).
 
I don’t know movingmom but I can’t believe the motivation people have put on her heart. I hardly think she wants her mother to raise the kids or be her slave.

Most people do what they can to help out - whether it’s changing the diaper of a friend’s child or even more so your own grandchild! I don’t think that it’s unreasonable to expect some form of involvement by your folks in your child’s life.

My mother was great with my children. She was always playing with them and helping out. My mother-in-law on the other hand will complain if we ask her to watch the children for a couple of minutes. I mean, goodness grief, these grandchildren are your flesh and blood!

I feel for you movingmom. It’s hard to understand why some grandparents don’t want to participate in their lives.

For me it’s my wife’s mother so I don’t say anything but my wife will let it get to her once in a while and say something to her mom. But I don’t know what the ‘right’ thing to do is.

Just hope and pray that she’ll come around and gently when possible show her what she’s missing.
 
Movingmom,

I had in-laws that were very disinterested in seeing my 2 sons and developing any kind of relationship. This used to make me angry beyond words that they lived in the same town and saw the boys of their own volition a few times a year. I would bring the kids over for visits but the lack of interest was aparant.
To top it off,my mother-in-law was a 1st grade teacher. Maybe she just really didn’t like kids after working with them all day - but try explaining that to a child why Nana doesn’t play or visit.

Finally, the day came when Nana moved to a different state. I was relieved because I no longer needed to rationalize, explain, and get bothered by the situation. The distance made the excuse for me.

Sad that this was the outcome - but to this day, the grandparents call maybe a few times a year for a total of 3 min. tops. My sons have developed no relationship with them as sad as that is. This is the choice my ex-in-laws have made.

I get the sense from your post that you are looking for relationship development, not help with diapers. You cannot force a relationship, you can only pray.

God has blessed you with a wonderful mother-in-law who wants to be an integral part of your kids lives. Thank God for that and pray for your mom.
 
Wow, I also can’t believe how people have come down on the OP. This must be a really sensitive issue. I have to say that, like dandelion, I think you are all being a bit harsh. Movingmom didn’t say she wanted her mom to raise her kids, she just wants her mom to be as involved as she is always telling people. She sees playing with the kids, talking to them, changing an occasional diaper or giving the kids a snack as the normal ways a grandmother might get involved with the kids. I think perception is the problem here. Everyone thinks differently about how they are “helping out”. My husband’s grandparents do this with money. They love to slip the kids and even us a dollar or more when we see them. This is how they show their affection. My MIL is more food oriented. She shows love by feeding everyone when they walk through the door. My parents love to buy little presents and send cards and things. They rarely show up empty handed. That is how they show love. Now, I can count on my in-laws more than my own parents when it comes to a babysitting need, but this is mainly because they live closer.
So, movingmom, maybe your mother truly thinks she is “involved” but you don’t see it because it isn’t in the way you would expect. Just a thought from my own experience. God Bless and of course, Pray Pray Pray.
 
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legeorge:
Wow, I also can’t believe how people have come down on the OP. This must be a really sensitive issue. I have to say that, like dandelion, I think you are all being a bit harsh. Movingmom didn’t say she wanted her mom to raise her kids, she just wants her mom to be as involved as she is always telling people.
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I don’t know. It does seem to me that movingmom is complaining because her mom will not act as a free babysitter.

Here is what movingmom said…
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movingmom:
My mom will not sit for myself or my sister on an emergency basis, let alone if we need a night out. Does not change a diaper, feed or interact with any grandchildren
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Grandparents are not free sitters. It is not their job to watch their grandchildren so that their parents can get a night out. It is not their job to diaper or feed their grandchildren, that’s the parents job.

Movingmom’s mom has done her parenting

I have to agree with everyone else on this one, seems some people expect grandparents to act as parents.
 
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ByzCath:
I don’t know. It does seem to me that movingmom is complaining because her mom will not act as a free babysitter.

Grandparents are not free sitters. It is not their job to watch their grandchildren so that their parents can get a night out. It is not their job to diaper or feed their grandchildren, that’s the parents job.

Movingmom’s mom has done her parenting

I have to agree with everyone else on this one, seems some people expect grandparents to act as parents.
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Did you read what you quoted? She can’t rely on her mother for “emergencies”, *let alone * for a night out. She says her mother doesn’t “interact” with the grandkids. Goodness gracious. If you can’t rely on your family, who can you rely on? Movingmom feels hurt because she feels like her mother doesn’t care. I would be devestated if I had an emergency (like going to the hospital to have a baby) and couldn’t count on my mom or mil for a little help with the other kids. Last time I checked, you don’t quit being a mother just because your kids have kids. Personally, I couldn’t imagine having grandchhildren and not wanting to hug, play with, feed, change, or otherwise help care for them. Blowing off my children’s or grandchildren’s needs with the excuse that I “already did my job” seems extremely selfish.

Personally, I am quite grateful when one of our parents offers to babysit so that my husband and I can have a little quality time with each other once or twice a year. We are catholics who try to live like it. That means not worshipping the almighty buck. We sacrifice money so that I can be a SAHM and accept any children that come into our lives. Hence, we could not afford to hire a stranger to babysit our kids even if we found someone we could trust. So, yes, sometimes we rely on our parents’ generosity in watching the kids. But it is a two way street. When we need help, they help us out. When they need help, we help them out. No, it may not be their “job”, but it is nice. That is called being a family. It is an expression of love. I really feel sorry for anyone who feels like they can’t rely on their own parents.

And by the way, hasn’t anyone here ever read any of the research on the value of grandparents being involved with the children? It is extremely beneficial to the seniors *and * the kids. I don’t have any links off hand, but there has been extensive research on this. I don’t think the OP is trying to shirk her responsibilities as a mother or take advantage of her own mother. She really feels like her mom doesn’t want to be involved. Whether this is actually the case or is merely her perception, I don’t know. But I think we should be more sensitive, regardless.
 
If your mom does not want to help out, and she certainly is not obliged to, then it is HER loss, not yours.
 
Hi movingmom -

First, I think it would be helpful to know the ages of the kids.

I know my mom is more of a stay-offish grandmom as the kids were babies, but really connects to them when they are school age. My mom also feels guilty about spending time with one set of grandchildren more than the other set. They won’t visit unless they visit all her children with equal time (quite a feat since my sisters and I all live in different states and my parents in another). Perhaps your mom is similar?

Perhaps she just doesn’t know what role to take with being a grandmom (is she a younger grandmom? My mom wouldn’t even tell anyone at first she was going to be a grandmother because she felt she was too young!).

As for changing diapers, my husband and I ‘fight’ over who should change one, let alone us volunteering to change anyone elses kids tushy 😃

I would start closing the ‘gaps’ by having more all together time. Everyone playing/talking in the same room. Maybe having to go to the bathroom once. Then going into the kitchen to make a snack for everyone, etc. Slowly working in grandma time. Also, when grandma is there, don’t criticize anything or say I do it this way. Babies and children can have things done differently and it won’t hurt them. (My grandmother insisted that we dress the babies up in full winter snow suits to go from her door literally 6 feet to the warmed up car. We just agreed, then pulled over at the first parking lot and undid the snowsuit)

Perhaps they have a certain interest you can key your kids in on (my in-law father likes to fish which created an enthusiastic questions from my kids!). My father found a chocolate candy outlet near his house. Once he felt comfortable that the kids were old enough so he wouldn’t have to deal with temper tantrums, he took them there. Again, you see the older the kids got, the more they became involved.

What experience did your mom have with her mom and grandmother? Perhaps she is just living a cycle that she thinks is the correct one to follow.
 
Movingmom,

When she exasperates you, say a prayer for patience and another for thanksgiving for your mil. Maybe ask St. Jude for his intercession! You have told her how you feel. Now just let it go, as best you can.

I’m lucky. My mom loves to jump in and take care of the babies. She is always ready to help in an emergency. When I went into labor at 1am, she and my dad came down and stayed with our other kids. My mil and fil would have been the same, I am sure, had they lived to see all their beautiful grandbabies! My fil died when our two oldest were 3 and 1 1/2. He never changed diapers, but he was never too busy to play with them, hold them, show them Indiana basketball (back when it was actually good.)

Cathy
 
Wow! I didn’t expect to be told off by puzzleannie, catholic90 and byzcath! Let me reiterate - I would only ask my mom to help when I am in dire straits - believe me I have enough money to pay for a sitter and I am not asking for full time help. I would never ask someone to raise my children for me! I am a stay at home mom that sometimes needs to go to a doctor/dentist visit myself, I don’t beleive that asking my stay at home mom to watch the kids a few times PER YEAR is to much. Perhaps the negative responders feel used by their children, I don’t want to speculate on this but it seems there is a lot of bitterness there. I am merely asking for guidance in dealing with a distinterested grandparent. This is breaking my heart, again because I feel as though she is losing precious time that will never return. One responder did have a good point and asked the ages of the kids. They are 2, 5 and 8. I did think that maybe my mom would interact better when the kids were older (this was when my first was one or two) but now the oldest is 8. She is into movies, American Girl dolls and all things girly, which is what my mom is into as well. My mom as well as me, are sticklers for good manners and believe me, my children are quite well mannered (well, except for the 2 year old, but she is 2 years old!). So I really don’t think that my children are being avoided because they are brats. Also, my older daughter is old enough where she realizes that one grandma pays more attention than the other. I keep trying to push this off with excuses but I am running out of them. I do love my mom and want to protect her, but it is getting harder when children ask questions. Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words, I will really take them to heart and pray that I can handle this situation the best way possible.
 
It sounds like there is very little you can do with respect to your mother. If she doesn’t want to babysit or change dipers, then she doesn’t have to. She isn’t under any obligation to do those things.

It’s unfortunate that she isn’t willing to do a bit more with her grandchildren, but she may have valid reasons for not doing so. Or she just might not feel like it.
 
I know my mom is always ready to help when she is able and has always been like that, I know that doesn’t mean I can take advantage of her but in a bind I can depend on her. Its too bad your mom isn’t more interested in just hanging with the grandkids and you all together even just visiting, I know that I want to see my future grand kids as much as possible and spoil them as much as my kids will allow me to, I’m more afraid that I won’t get to see them or something like that, certainly nobody wants to be taken advantage of and expected to watch kids all the time etc. but in a bind thats just too bad and I feel bad for your mom cause someday she is going to regret it, pray for her though, don’t harden your heart, ask God to soften hers 👍
 
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movingmom:
Wow! I didn’t expect to be told off by puzzleannie, catholic90 and byzcath!
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I was not trying to tell you off.

The problem is we are only hearing your side.

Here is one of my favorite quotes from Babylon 5, “The Truth is a three edged sword, your truth, my truth, and the Truth.”

I think the best way to handle this is to sit down with your mother and have a private talk with her.

Airing his in public will accomplish nothing but hurt feelings all around.
 
Wow. I, too, and a bit shocked at the responses here.

This is a forum, where a person comes for guidance. You will RARELY see the 2nd point of view, so we help where we can.

Movingmom,

Have you have a heart-to-heart talk with you mom? Ask her why she does what she does and avoids what she does? It seems that she’s taking a LOT for granted, and unfortunately usually it takes a bad situation to open people eyes here. Maybe the next time your 8 yr old asks you a question about your mom, direct her to ask your mom herself. Maybe if your mom sees the real impact first hand, she’ll rethink her actions. HUGS!!!
 
I think your expectations are too high. That is why you feel so frustrated. Your mother is not doing this to you. You are doing it to yourself.

You sound like you maybe going through some stress and what you really just want mom to mother you. I don’t think we ever out grow that. You want mom to recognize your “hurt” just like she did when you bumped your knee as a child. Your tired, maybe you have some other personal issues going on normal stuff that all us moms go through. Sometimes we just want validation and your mom is not validating you. Just chill. If mom can’t give you the emotional and physical support you need, your MIL seems to be filling this need quite well. I just think you are disappointed that your own mother does not do this for you. We all have to face disappointments. Stop expecting your mom to make you happy. It is not her job. When we grow up we are in charge of our own happiness.

So what if mom brags. You should see the humor in it and shrug it off. Does it really make a difference what other people think? If they think she is a great Nana because of what she brags about, what harm does it really do you?

Best advice I can think of is to give it up to God’s mother. Pray the rosary. It is a wonderful form of meditation and very calming.
 
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