Nana no-help

[maryprayforme]

My mother does not live close by. She has raised 6 children. When we visit, she reads to them, she fixes them a little snack from time to time, spoils them with presents, provodes things of entertainment at her house (pool, trampoline, a few toys, etc.), and enjoys watching them play and grow.When I go to visit, I wouldn’t dare dream to ask her to change a diaper, babysit, or go into the duties and responsibilities I bear as a mother. She has on ocassion helped me with a few things (lol! like the time the baby blew out her diaper or one of the kids injured herself). But still, she does her grandmother thing and I do my mom thing.

Now, there were times where she stepped in to help with these things. Once, when I had hemmorhaged post-partum and she helped out around the house after my surgery. The other was when I had to take a child some distance to see a medical specialist and my husband was working double-shifts at night - she stayed with the older kids.

I think maybe you need to examnine your expectations as well and also really see that this is not a rejection of you personally. I sense a little of your need to let go of that part of your relationship. And maybe your mother is still being your mom and recognizing that for you to grow as a person, you need to do more of these things your self. It is overwhelming and sometimes you feel that there is no end in sight. My 5-year-old was a perpetual power nurser. I seriously envisioned walking down the aisle with her in a veil and white silk sling, nursing! LOL! But they morph into one stage and the then the next so subtly and quickly. Offer it up to the Lord. Ask the Blessed Virgin Mary to pray for you to do these things much like she did for Jesus. Saint Monica is another great saint for moms.

And I do agree. Talk to your mom about the stress and difficulty of it all. You may be surprised to find out her insight and how she too was stressed. As I get older, I learn so many things about my mother. These are things I wouldn’t have handled well when I was younger. She already had 2 children, and then her third had profound developmental delays, then me who was constantly sick all the time and lost much of her hearing because of it, and then my younger twin siblings. When I was an adult, my grandmother revealed to me all the tears my mother shed trying to balance it all and deal with her child who couldn’t even climb steps at the age of 7. My little prayer as a mum is I will do the best I can with what God has given me and the rest I place in the hands of Mary to give to her Son.

Think I have rambled enough. This flu is kicking my behind. LOL!

 

[SP38]

My mother in law is the most generous of all the grandparents. My mom just retired this past May and is getting more involved . She wasn’t around much when my girls were young, but now she is teaching my 8 year old to play the guitar. None of our parents have been the type to call up and say “Hey, let me take child 1 to the ball game today. or a movie, or shopping…” But, they all show up at the various birthday parties and holiday get togethers. I think sometimes they just want to be left alone, and they have plans and things to do for the day and a routine. I have noticed though that the grandparents are more patient with the grandkids than they were with us. Hang in there, and I guess maybe you could ask her straight out if she is even interested in spending some one-on-one time with each child, maybe she gets overwhelmed when she is asked to watch 3 at a time??? God Bless you for raising your kids in the faith, your mom is probably alot prouder of you than you think she is. I remember one of my grandmas would brag to the other relatives about us kids, but never to our faces… go figure.

 

[Island_Oak]

Movingmom:

I have spent more time than I cared to on this same tightrope. I think the problem for me was that my husband’s parents, who were living in another state, were incredibly interested and involved with our kids, and my own parents who, for a time were physically close, were hardly involved. IF we asked for help, they never turned us down…and were frequently quite generous–yet it always bothered me that they didn’t take the initiative to seek out time with our kids.

Ultimately–I learned a couple things. Just like kids come with their own personalities that try as you might you can’t deny or change–so do grandparents. As others before me have pointed out–sometimes it’s a preference thing–prefering to spend time with kids as they get older instead of diapering babies or chasing toddlers. Some grandparents are “done” with child rearing and feel requests for help are too much. Some will blow you over with their love, involvement and generosity.

But whatever the situation…above all else…do no harm to the relationship your parents have with your kids EVEN IF it’s not the one you WISH they had. Your kids know no different and absent the odd-ball disfuctional grandparent, kids benefit from whatever involvement, relationship, love, time etc. grandparents willingly give. Sometimes you need to swallow your disappointment and reach out to the grandparents invite them into your life and then accept whatever level of involement they can give.

p.s. After a recent visit from my parents I had one of the nicest phone calls I ever had from my dad. He went on for 10 minutes uninterrupted about how wonderful our kids were–well-behaved, respectful, happy, etc and how much they enjoyed their visit. He also made special note of how he believed my being home with them has had so much to do with that (he knew just how tough it was for me to give up my career). It was a conversation and gift I will never forget!

 

[movingmom]

Thanks airforcemama and all the others with helpful words. I think I will sit down and have a heart to heart with my mom. Unfortunately this has been tried, but she gets really defensive and doesn’t want to talk. But I think I will take some of the advice from you guys in dealing with the situation. I do believe I have relatively low expectations for my mom. I know some of you think changing a diaper is asking someone to walk into a lion’s den, but when one has just had a baby with complications, a meal, a diaper change is just plain the humane thing to do for someone, let alone a family member. I also thought that this “forum” was for sound support and advice - didn’t realize that the requirement was for the “other” side to chime in - that’s called a debate and no thanks, I don’t think that will be helpful. I know I do have alot of help in my MIL and I do thank God daily for her, but there is nothing like having your own mother be there for you - some did mention that I am almost reverting to childhood for my mom to make everything better, but I don’t beleive that’s it. I had a GREAT childhood and never looked back. I have no unusual problems or stress as an adult - I think what it all boils down to is that I have a good life, great kids and I would really love for my mom to gladly share in this. Believe me, this is not ruining my life, but it makes me sad when I hear of other kids benefitting from the interaction of grandparents. I had this with my nana and would like the same for my kids. I will continue to pray for myself and my mom. Thanks again for all of the kind words and Airforcemama, thanks for everthing your family does to keep us safe. Your commitment astounds me and I am grateful!

 

[legeorge]

Movingmom, I know this isn’t really going to help, but I just felt the need to send you a hug! But since there are no hugging smileys, you get a big heart instead!!

 

[movingmom]

Thanks Legeorge! I do need a hug (or thumping heart!) right now! THANK YOU!!!

 

[catsrus]

I was not a very involved grandparent either. I helped out when necessary but just never felt the connection I felt as a mother. I don’t know why. My mother was also exactly the same way with my kids. I resented her dis-connection when my kids were young but when I became a grandparent, I understood.
My grandchildren are 24 to 10 years old now and I have a good relationship with the older ones because we speak as adults. I LOVE all of them but in a different way from what most grandparents seem to love.
Also, with me, I had all my children between 16 and 21 so that I think I just got worn out from the parenting thing. Don’t know for sure, just think that may be it.

 

[hsmom2four]

How about a 3rd perspective on this?

My mom died when I was 16; my in-laws live 1000 miles away, so we hardly see them, and now mil has Alzheimers and wouldn’t know the grandkids if she saw them again anyways. What’s a grandma?

 

[mass4life]

I sympathize with your predicament. I know you really would love your mother to interact with your children and enjoy them. Both sets of grandparents are hundreds of miles away from my children. Why don’t you be grateful for your mother-in-law who can help you and just accept your mother where she is? Perhaps she is doing the best she knows how. Pray for her to delight in your children and your acceptance of her, although not easy.