Narcissistic mother-in laws- How to handle them and protect yourself?

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I have been happily married for 25 years to a wonderful and loving husband and father of our 2 surviving children (we lost one child at 5 months).After so long a time (it all started at our engagement party) trying to deal, understand and trying to figure out why my mother in law is so mean, judgmental and condescending of everyone who disagrees with her view, verbally and emotionally abusive when her wishes (more like commands) are not agreed with and carried out, I am so mentally and emotionally tiered and can’t stand being in the same room as her. Her husband is docile and very rarely ever contradicts her, and her children who are grown adults (the youngest 44) are ordered around like her servants. If you can believe it… when she has large family gatherings usually once a year, her children are called to her assistance with a bell. My dear husband just wants “peace”, he is upset with me at my expressing my emotions: namely that I am exhausted of putting up with her selfish and thoughtless behavior, and would prefer not to visit at times. He is having a hard time accepting and processing this. He feels I am"better than her" and does not want to visit alone because he does not want to have to deal with the fall out of my not being present. This makes me feel that he wants his peace at my expense. I should mention that after my dear father passed away, I suddenly became her “darling” after I took in my grieving mother to live with us. Her second conversation with my mother in my home started with the words “your so lucky, I don’t know who will look after me if something should happen to my spouse.” She has made every major occasion (marriage, baptisms, communions, the purchase of our home etc) in our lives sad and stressful. Help!! I can’t continue on this road! Any advice?
 
Catholichelp said:
She has made every major occasion (marriage, baptisms, communions, the purchase of our home etc) in our lives sad and stressful. Help!! I can’t continue on this road! Any advice?
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How close do you live to her? How often do you visit?

There’s no reason a son can’t visit his mother without his wife; he’s supposed to put you first, not her. Seriously, if it stresses you out that much, you need to start cutting back a little. He can go alone once in a while, or he can cut back some, too.

And I’m concerned about her “I don’t know who will look after me” comment. Obviously other children of hers are available, so you and your husband need to talk now, before anything does happen to her husband, about why you will not be able to take her in.
Meanwhile, you are of course praying for her, right?
 
You won’t be able to do a lot without the support of your husband, unfortunately. He wants to pacify his mother above your feelings - so he knows she is unreasonable, and he also probably knows she will not change.

If you can cut back on spending time with her, do it. And as Angel says, talk to your husband now about any future arrangements involving his mother.

I would also suggest couselling together. Maybe it will help him to recognise that his mother is unreasonable and emotionally abusive - remember he has been dealing with this all his life, and it may take some time. He probably doesn’t want to rock the boat because of the fallout, and is reacting this way to you because you don’t have the same FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) that he does towards her. In any case, you can work with a therapist to help you create boundaries to look after yourself.
 
I Have been through a very similar situation with my wife’s mother, so I don’t want to comment too much since I might place my feelings in place of yours. Be supportive of your spouse, but also communicate (that’s a two-way street) how this affects you and your feelings toward her.

It is up to your husband to want to change the relationship. That’s hard because the peace at all costs response seems like the easiest. As prior posters said, professional help setting boundaries and limits (for both of you) would be a reasonable approach, but your husband has to want to take action.
 
We live in the same city, only 25 minutes driving distance(she lives down town). Initially we were visiting every weekend at her insistence. If I had come off my 12 hour night shift (worked as an ICU nurse), she didn’t care. Her response was "she can come and eat, take a nap and then go to work.You can drive her. I protested, but to support my husband I would go. My mother’s advice was to never let him go alone, because knowing her personality, she would cause marital division in my absence. This lasted the first 8 years, then we would go ever 2-3 weeks depending on when my husband was home from his many business trips ( she would call and arrange it with him on his cell) Since my father’s passing (7 years ago), we have cut back some, but my husband finds it taxing having to answer her incessant questions as to why we can’t come. BTW She has 3 other children are not married, live in the area and are over for dinner very frequently.For my husband, I am his support and rock (so he says) but, I feel as you say…my feeling should be taken into consideration first. Throughout these many years, I have done a tremendous amount of praying for myself for her and for my marriage. I have also done a lot of research into difficult personalities and personality disorders in an effort to understand myself and her. But although my husband and I have weathered the many storms together, I have come to the conclusion that she will never change her tactics. She displays (always has) narcissistic personality traits, and her family play the co-dependent assigned roles. I have finally have reached a wall. Yes, I have brought up the discussion about who will look after his mother should his father pass on and have very clearly stated that I would not take on that responsibility. He agrees.
 
Thank you all for your replies, I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am for all the very reasonable and heartfelt advice and prayers. As i sit here to thank you all I am crying with relief because I feel validated and understood. I am so tired. I will talk to my husband about both of us seeking a counselor who deals with such personalities and family dynamics and hope he will agree to go. Thank you all for caring and may God bless all of you with continued wisdom and peace.
 
Catholichelp said:
I have come to the conclusion that she will never change her tactics. She displays (always has) narcissistic personality traits, and her family play the co-dependent assigned roles. I have finally have reached a wall. Yes, I have brought up the discussion about who will look after his mother should his father pass on and have very clearly stated that I would not take on that responsibility. He agrees.
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I believe you’re right; people like this rarely change. It’s encouraging that he agrees you can’t take her in when/if. I hope that indicates he may be open to counseling.

You’ll be in my prayers.
 
Catholichelp said:
But although my husband and I have weathered the many storms together, I have come to the conclusion that she will never change her tactics
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You may be right in that her basic personality may never change. With counseling, your husband’s and your actions can have an effect on her behavior toward the two of you. The most important relationship is between the two of you.
 
I can’t believe you’ve managed with her demands for so long!

Hopefully counselling will let you create boundaries and reinforce them. I think it’ll massively help your husband to disengage with her tactics. Be prepared for it to take time though, and be aware that she will ramp up the emotional manipulation and demands when she works out what you’re doing. She might also get your husband’s siblings involved as well. Keep strong.
 
You might consider reading books such as “Toxic In-Laws”, “Toxic Parents”, and “Boundaries”. Your husband is essentially using you as a meat shield. That’s not acceptable. An invitation is not a summons and his mother doesn’t get to dictate how you live your life.

I strongly agree with marital counselling. Make sure you find a therapist who specializes in “leave and cleave” (i.e. first loyalty should be to the spouse).
 
Thank you all for your understanding and support. I will look into the books suggested. I am determined to set boundaries, and am ready to go to counselling but, as is mentioned my husband has to be ready and agree.Although it’s difficult for me, I can see it’s not easy for him. When I share my feelings he seems defeated, not knowing what to do.I have always played the role of the good catholic “obedient and understanding” wife. This change in me where I am setting some firm boundaries that I am unwilling to change is frustrating him and leaving him at a loss of how to handle future situations. Thank heaven they have gone on vacation and won’t be back for a number of months. Hopefully we can gain further understanding, learn how to effectively deal with all the manipulations etc to formulate a plan of action going forward that will be of great benefit to me and my family. Thank you again to all of you.
 
There’s a difference between being “obedient and understanding” and allowing your husband to subject you to abuse. If his mother is treating you poorly, you aren’t obligated to go along to see her.
 
I bet your husband is very conflicted right now. All his life he’s been subject to this behaviour and has probably accepted it for an easy time. Now you’re challenging it he can’t bury his head in the sand any more. I hope he does go with you to counselling but even if he doesn’t want to, I think you should go and work out what you can do for yourself.
 
No doubt, you’ve been having problems with your MIL. And, she does seem to have personality issues. All I’m wondering about, what made you post, ask for advice, now? You’ve been with your husband for 25 years. You raised a family together, lived fairly close to his family, and, so it seems, you somehow worked it out. Is something changed? Are her other children voicing the opinion that they expect you to take her in, when she can no longer take care of herself? She, it seems, has hinted been hinting about this, ever since your mother moved in. But even that was 8 years ago.
You shouldn’t feel that you have to share everything here, but think about it…has she interfered with your child rearing? What about your FIL? Has he said anything? Does his behavior echo hers? Is their marriage good?
I’m not criticizing you, just wondering what has made this an issue, now? No doubt, you have discussed this with your husband. He agrees that she shouldn’t live with you. Are you afraid he’ll be guilted into wanting to do otherwise?
From what you’ve said, it’s a wonder your marriage has been as good as it is. It sounds as if something has triggered your concern. Definitely don’t visit her whenever he asks. It sounds as if you deserve a (well-deserved)break from her. Take it, think things out, and maybe you’l feel differently about this. If not, get some counseling.
Sorry if I assumed too much. You have received some good advice from the other posters. I’m sure we’ll all be praying for you. God Bless.
 
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If it’s not too personal,in which ways has your mil displayed narcissistic behaviours and caused stress at family occasions etc?

You mentioned the bell which does seem quite bizarre unless she was confined sick to a bed and couldn’t call out or something.
The mention of her wanting to see her son on a regular basis seems quite normal to me though as parents are usually this way when they reach a certain age as they become more aware of their mortality.
At the same time time I understand that it’s hard for you and your husband with work pressures.

Are you and your husbands family from the same culture?
 
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You are correct. It’s true I have been “dealing” with this for a long time, but not effectively. Mostly I have kept quiet to keep the piece. You are also correct in thinking that something has happened recently that has triggered my reaching out. My husband was sick with fevers just before Christmas. We called to tell her that we would not be able to make it over for Christmas dinner because his fevers persisted and he was feeling unwell. This did not fit into her plans. She called 4 times to convince us to come and that my husband could lie down in her bedroom and rest. I said no, however my husband agreed to go and insisted he was “fine” to do so. Of coarse against my better judgment and my voiced concerns we all went along. On boxing day I took my husband to the hospital. He was admitted for a week of tests, put in isolation, diagnosed with hepatitis, pancreatitis, and enlarged lymph glands (which has since resolved). Doctors searching for the cause suggested he could have lymphoma or leukemia. The day we were awaiting the results of various blood and test results to confirm or deny this prognosis, I was speaking to his brother, and his mother took over the phone and started her drama. She started to grill me, then proceed to cry and tell me she was his mother and would have her son drive over. I put my foot down. told her to stop crying because it was not helpful, and was causing us more stress to have to deal with her emotions, advised her to remain home because he was in isolation and My husband was not receiving visitors since he was running fevers that wore him our. I also told her that I was aware that she was his mother, but I was his wife and was abiding by his expressed wishes. I told her we would notify her if things changed. I husband was discharged a week later and was home recovering (still with fevers and hepatitis etc.) His parents came over twice for a total of 1 1/2 hours to visit. my husband was home for 4 months recovering. During this period I came to learn that she was calling other family members crying with self pity because her son” was sot sick”. This was it. All my years of repressed emotions came to the surface. In fact I was not “handling” it very well , I was stuffing down all my emotions to keep the peace.I do not read your questions as criticism at all. I feel relieved that I finally can tell others that can give me insight or clarity. My father in law is docile, for the most part does not give an opinion and will often take her side if his is forced to take sides. Just recently we were summoned to her home for Sunday dinner and my sister in law made a comment about her mothers “drama” and said, “I couldn’t live with her , she would drive me to suicide”. I think my mother in law probably knows how her other single children feel about taking her in because they are not shy about telling her point blank what they think. thank you for your prayers. Also, I have received the books that were suggested and am learning so much. Thank you for your concern and advice.

From:
Legend
 
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Catholic help, I was so glad to read how you stood up for your husband, yourself and your marriage while your husband was in the hospital. Keep it up. You mentioned your FIL is docile, and your husband appears to take the course of least resistance as well. He is probably used to you being the one to put your foot down, and him not having to, as that seems to be the dynamic he saw growing up. Perhaps mentioning this to him may bring him some enlightenment. Tell him it is tiring to always be the one that has to “handle” his mother and you need him to do so. The sooner you two get on the same page the better. But your husband giving in to his mother and going to her house while he had a fever is over the top. I would have told him to go by himself and would not be manipulated by his mother.
 
Wow!!!
She sure is a manipulator! She wasn’t even worried that it could all be too much for her son? That he could be contagious?
You did the right thing. For all your mil knew, your husband/her son might have been in hospital for months…or worse!
I wouldn’t blame you at all for breaking off contact. Her other kids seem to know what she’s like, and probably set their boundaries long ago. So, she’s trying to work on you. But you can’t let her get to you.
If your husband is fully recovered, it would be good for you to stop, or severely limit, your contact with this woman. And, when your husband visits her on his own, he may come to see that his mother is not the most stable person in the world.
 
Catholichelp said:
This did not fit into her plans. She called 4 times to convince us to come and that my husband could lie down in her bedroom and rest.
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You do realize that just because she calls, that doesn’t mean you have to answer. Turn the ringer off. Don’t answer.

Tell her you will talk to her again when she can respect you, your husband and your boundaries. Then hang up.

Really, what can she do? Nothing. Talk about you? Who cares? Right now your fear of what other people will think of you, of making a scene, is keeping you in line. Let her make a scene. Stop caring what other people think.
 
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