Narcissistic Mother

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Hello Everyone,
My mother is 91 and lives with me. She does take medication (I call it the happy pill) that does help a little. She still has her moments, but toned down. Well, she stopped taking the happy pills for about 10 days and she is on a roll. . My mother has been threatening to throw herself down the stairs, trying to call the hospital and 911, as I said, on a roll. We were just at the doctor last week and she is healthy as a horse. She says she wants to go in a nursing home and she has the money to do so, but she wants to go in a nursing home in our home state, 800 miles away. This makes things a little difficult, she has done these things before, but calms down.

My daughter’s husband walked out on her when their boy was 7 months old and has not looked back. My grandson is 6 now and he and his mom live with me. My mother is very nasty and mean, always has been. Today she said to my grandson, where is your mom and he replied working, then she smirked and said “Well then, where is your daddy?”. I don’t think he heard her, so I took her to her room and put her on the bed (she can’t do it alone) and told her if she ever said anything like to him again, she would be sorry, I was just so mad!!!

She has mistreated me and my family and my sister and her family forever. She really is toxic. Another thing she did was to hid her diamond ring and then kept asking me for it. I kept telling her she had it, but she insisted no. I was getting a little nervous because I could not find it. One day, my other daughter came over and she called her in, gave her the ring and said not to tell me. Of course my daughter gave me the ring. I put it away. Two days later my mother asks me where her jewelry is, I asked her what jewelry and she said oh my pearls. I asked if she wanted her diamond and she said “Oh that’s gone, somebody took it and sold it”. So I gave it to her and she said “Oh your daughter didn’t want it?” She does not have dementia, nothing wrong at all.

My new plan is to get her in a home here and then transfer to home state. I don’t want anything to do with her once she leaves. I am almost 59 and this has been going on my whole life. I moved to get away from her and yet here she is. I will continue to pray for her and wish her the best. She is able to afford good care. All the doctors seem to think she has many good years left. I do feel guilt about cutting her off, but it is too much. She has been her with me for 9 years. When she would go the doctor in her home state, she told them she had no family. When she got sick and I went there to help, they asked who are you, she said she had no family!

Am I wrong to be done with her?

Thank you for listening.
 
Hello Everyone,
My mother is 91 and lives with me. She does take medication (I call it the happy pill) that does help a little. She still has her moments, but toned down. Well, she stopped taking the happy pills for about 10 days and she is on a roll. . My mother has been threatening to throw herself down the stairs, trying to call the hospital and 911, as I said, on a roll. We were just at the doctor last week and she is healthy as a horse. She says she wants to go in a nursing home and she has the money to do so, but she wants to go in a nursing home in our home state, 800 miles away. This makes things a little difficult, she has done these things before, but calms down.

My daughter’s husband walked out on her when their boy was 7 months old and has not looked back. My grandson is 6 now and he and his mom live with me. My mother is very nasty and mean, always has been. Today she said to my grandson, where is your mom and he replied working, then she smirked and said “Well then, where is your daddy?”. I don’t think he heard her, so I took her to her room and put her on the bed (she can’t do it alone) and told her if she ever said anything like to him again, she would be sorry, I was just so mad!!!

She has mistreated me and my family and my sister and her family forever. She really is toxic. Another thing she did was to hid her diamond ring and then kept asking me for it. I kept telling her she had it, but she insisted no. I was getting a little nervous because I could not find it. One day, my other daughter came over and she called her in, gave her the ring and said not to tell me. Of course my daughter gave me the ring. I put it away. Two days later my mother asks me where her jewelry is, I asked her what jewelry and she said oh my pearls. I asked if she wanted her diamond and she said “Oh that’s gone, somebody took it and sold it”. So I gave it to her and she said “Oh your daughter didn’t want it?” She does not have dementia, nothing wrong at all.

My new plan is to get her in a home here and then transfer to home state. I don’t want anything to do with her once she leaves. I am almost 59 and this has been going on my whole life. I moved to get away from her and yet here she is. I will continue to pray for her and wish her the best. She is able to afford good care. All the doctors seem to think she has many good years left. I do feel guilt about cutting her off, but it is too much. She has been her with me for 9 years. When she would go the doctor in her home state, she told them she had no family. When she got sick and I went there to help, they asked who are you, she said she had no family!

Am I wrong to be done with her?

Thank you for listening.
If she wants to live in a home far from you why are you fighting it? You say you don’t want anything to do with her. I’m confused.
Some people are so bent on self-destruction they destroy everything in their path, event innocent bystanders.
Let her go.
Pray intensely for her.
Speak to your parish priest. He’ll have good spiritual advice. In fact, meeting with him is probably the best thing you can do for your own family.
Ask St. Dymphna to intercede for you, for peace. For both of you.
God bless.
 
If she wants to go to a nursing home 800 miles from you and has the money to do so, then let her do so. You are actually enabling her in her manipulation of you and your family. Once she thinks she can go to the distance nursing home she may rapidly change her mind and just maybe…just maybe decide to be admitted to one locally. I do think if she is not suffering from dementia, that she has found that you and family are easily controlled.
I worked with the aged for many years and found some can be very toxic, as you say, but for the most part very angelic and cooperative, knowing that time is not to be reversed and that these are their last years.

It seems to be a time to distance one another and it may well be good for both of you and your family. I wish you and your mother well and you are in my prayers.
 
If she wants to live in a home far from you why are you fighting it? You say you don’t want anything to do with her. I’m confused.
Some people are so bent on self-destruction they destroy everything in their path, event innocent bystanders.
Let her go.
Pray intensely for her.
Speak to your parish priest. He’ll have good spiritual advice. In fact, meeting with him is probably the best thing you can do for your own family.
Ask St. Dymphna to intercede for you, for peace. For both of you.
God bless.
Well stated.
 
Thanks you everyone, I will speak with my priest. I do want her to go 800 miles away, but the process to get her in a home in another state is overwhelming. Each state has different laws. I can not get her accepted and then bring her up there, I have to bring her up there and then get her accepted. So my plan is to get her in a home here and then it would be a transfer instead of an admission. I do pray for her and will continue to do so.
I guess I just wanted someone to say OK 🙂
Thanks again everyone
 
I was saddened to read how you and your son have lived under this dark cloud for so long. You have made the right decision for yourself, your son, and yes even your mother by putting her in a new environment. You have done way more than enough.

Once your mother is out of the house, it will be blue skies. What is the old saying about having our own keys to our jail? I have been down a similar road as well.
 
Let her go and book her one-way travel. If she threatens self-harm, take her to the ER and have her put under psychiatric evaluation.
 
You are in a tough situation but you must evaluate how much stress you can take. If you can place your mother in a good nursing home/assisted living home then do this. It would be best if the home was nearby so that you could visit. I think it would be difficult for you to send her 800 miles away. Many health problems will crop up at her age and you may want to visit her if that happens. There is nothing wrong in putting your mother in a rest home and it seems that she would prefer it too. If you have any hesitations then speak to your priest for reassurance.
 
The ornery me wants to tell you to set up camera’s to record her every move; then play it on TV all day, everyday when you are gone so that she can see her own behavior.

The converted me suggests you get POA and move her to a near by nursing home. This controls visitation to her. In this life challenge, you still need to find reconsilliation, peace, and God’s ability to fix everything.
 
mkmom4 my heart goes out to you. When I read your post I recognised so much of it as I too have lived a very similar life to you with those experiences. I pray for you and your mother and all your family.
It is so stressful the situation you are in. I empathise.
May God bless you and grant you the strength and wisdom to get through it all
 
Thank you so much everyone!! It means a lot to me. I started filling out papers today to get her into a nearby facility. It is lovely. I feel a lot lighter thanks to your comments and prayers. Starting the process has allowed me to see an end in sight. Thanks
 
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