Nasty lady that my is friends with

[SeekerJen]

I’m not sure I would remain friends with someone who in one fell swoop discounted my entire life with a derogatory slur. But that’s just me. Your wife sounds like a caring person, and it’s admirable that she doesn’t want to simply drop the friendship.

Perhaps the “friend” is envious as she isn’t married, doesn’t have children, and would like both of those things (perhaps the partner is one of those men who will string a woman along for years without marrying her, and she’s not strong enough to give him an ultimatum). Perhaps she felt a kinship with your wife during your marital-problem phase, and is defensive because she is afraid of losing her friend now. Fear and envy can make people do strange things. Of course this is all speculation.

 

[chevalier]

I’m not sure I would remain friends with someone who in one fell swoop discounted my entire life with a derogatory slur. But that’s just me. Your wife sounds like a caring person, and it’s admirable that she doesn’t want to simply drop the friendship.

Maybe the person was being emotional or otherwise stressed. Whatever she might have inflicted on you by that slur, she was probably herself suffering much more at the moment she was talking to you, as well as more generally, in her whole life. Only if the situation occured again and again… and again, then it would probably be a matter of how much you were ready to take. But I would look at other aspects of the relationship, how she treated you or me or whoever she were friends with, other than that.

 

[sanctamaria17]

First, congrats on reconnecting! That’s really cool

Second, I’d ask your wife why she is friends with this woman. Does her friend usually make comments like this or did she have a stressful day and said things she wouldn’t usually say? Tell your wife to tell her friend that this is HER life she’s living, not her friend’s and her friend should respect the choices your wife makes in life. If her friend isn’t cool with that, then your wife deserves better friends.

I will pray for you, your wife, and her friend.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

In a situation like this, I’d guess that there are a small number of people for whom it would be better to actually keep this type of relationship going. She called your wife a pig!!! That is unbelievably disrespectful! A really good apologist with a strong faith and a strong sense of self-esteem MIGHT be able to have a positive effect on her - but only IF she agreed to never resort to name calling and being so disrespectful. If you listen to Catholic radio when a person calls in and just gets insulting, you’ll notice that even the CA apologists don’t just take it - they insist on a certain level of civility.

But here’s the thing - your said your wife was crying all night over this. I don’t know anything about her apologetic skills, but this is a clear signal that she is in too deep emotionally. As rediculous as she knows her friends’ opinions are, she is very personally hurt by this, and IMHO it wouldn’t be wise for her to subject herself to those kinds of abusive insults. As another person who can not just let insults roll off my back, I can tell you sometimes you need to protect yourself - sometimes you are not in the right positition to correct the sinner. And sometimes the best thing you can do for the other person is to not accept their misbehavior. A letter written that clearly states that you will not tolerate the kind of abusive/disrespectful/dehumanizing treatment of yourself may make this person take pause, more than if you nicely tried to argue about overpopulation with her. (BTW, this woman’s obsession with overpopluation just shows that she doesn’t understand the value of human life, and showing her that your wife’s life is valuable enough not be be riduculed may be the first step. She won’t be ready to listen to overpopulation arguments until she realizes that human life is precious and not worth comparing to pigs.)

I also don’t know about the other issues between you and your dw that you referred to, so I don’t feel comfortable advising you on how involved you should be. But as a wife who has a dh with strong opinions, I know that it is very important to communicate your concern for her in a loving way. Instead of saying, “You should cut her out of your life. Period.” say, “I’m really concerned for you. I think she is being emotionally abusive to you. I hate the way she’s making you feel. You deserve to feel better than this. etc.” You have to let her know that you don’t think she’s crazy for wanting (at least partly) to continue the relationship, and that you understand that this is her decision to make, and you just want to be supportive of her."

 

[dranzal]

Have they been close friends or merely acquaintances for years? Parents of large families often get cute comments such as…

*Don’t you know how that happens?

*Are you gonna stop now?

*Are they all yours?

ETC.

I have never, ever been referred to as a pig. Wow. I don’t know anyone who isn’t inherently bitter and cynical who would even think of calling anyone that, much less a “friend”.

For the record, my responses of choice for the large family comments are…

• We’re trying to save social security. (if they aren’t Catholic)
• We’re trying to save the priesthood. (if they are Catholic and we have boys).
• Why yes, we do know how that happens. The TV’s broken.
• The power was out.
• We keep trying for a red head.

The list is endless. How many children do you have, if you don’t mind my asking. I have five, one of whom has preceded us to heaven, so people see four. I look forward to being one of those Catholic Freak families proudly leading around a small army of my dh and my genes!!!

Whatever your wife decides to do, please suggest that she not lower herself, however pleasing it might be to respond with something like “selfish grinch”. Seriously, she is apparently a bitter person in need of much prayer.

 

[mesquite_magic]

Wow! Your wife is a better person than I. That woman’s cheek would be stingin’ and her ears would be ringin’ if she spoke to me that way. Guess that’s why I’m here. I need people like your wife to show me how to be a better Christian.

Your poor wife. I know I would have cried too. It’s always hard to find out that the person you think is a friend, is actually a fruad. This person sounds really toxic.

I hope your wife feels better today. I’m also glad you found a way to work on your marriage Keep up the good work.

Kim