Native English speakers, help with the word “self-righteous”

[adgloriam]

The word “self-righteous”.

If you tell someone they did wrong (and they should feel bad about it) -especially if it caused damages- they’ll respond you’re being/acting “self-righteous”.

How do you respond to that correctly?? And where does “self-righteousness” start and stop??

(There also seems to be some practical wit to using the word, so the common “counters” are also welcome.)

 

[Vico]

The word “self-righteous”.

If you tell someone they did wrong (and they should feel bad about it) -especially if it caused damages- they’ll respond you’re being/acting “self-righteous”.

How do you respond to that correctly?? And where does “self-righteousness” start and stop??

(There also seems to be some practical wit to using the word, so the common “counters” are also welcome.)

Generally criticism should be given only when requested, and even then, be careful giving it. The correction could be given with an anonymous example instead of pointing to a particular person.

Oxford dictionary:

self-righteous
Having or characterized by a certainty, especially an unfounded one, that one is totally correct or morally superior.

 

[BartholomewB]

Self-righteousness implies a particular kind of arrogance. “Of course it was the right thing to do, and to prove it, I was the one that did it. Whatever I do can only be the right thing to do.” It’s close to smugness. The difference, perhaps, is that you can be smug and right at the same time, while self-righteousness implies a misplaced smugness, i.e. you did something wrong and you’re unable to grasp that it was wrong, because you’re convinced that you only ever do the right thing.

This, at least, is what occurs to me on the spur of the moment.

 

[vz71]

Self righteous usually refers to the person being righteous in their own eyes, but in no one else’s.

They are blind to their own wrong in whatever situation.

If you are accused of it, and know with certainty that it is untrue, it is best to walk away.
No good will come from further interaction as the accuser is truly self righteous, and will not see anything different.

 

[PetraG]

Well, first off, it is worth asking yourself if you actually are being self-righteous. If so, the answer is, “Well, you know you’re right. If I’m going to criticize you for X, I shouldn’t do that, because it is also X. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t both stop doing X.”

Second, it does not matter one bit how someone feels about doing something bad. Doing bad and feeling guilty about it is still doing bad, just the same. Guilt feelings are worthwhile, but it is because they are the smoke detector, not the fire extinguisher. If you’ve done bad, you are not duty-bound to feel bad. What you need to do is to make amends and offer empathy to the party or parties who were wronged. That does not require summoning up feelings of guilt or shame, if those aren’t forthcoming.

The other possibility is to say, “So, if you felt they way they felt about this and someone did it to you, anyway, would you think that anyone who called the offender on it would be the self-righteous one, or would you be aiming that at the guy who wronged you and knew he was wronging you and made excuses for himself? I mean, because it seems like you’re the one slanting the rules to make yourself look perfect. If you have some things to point out that I shouldn’t be doing, by all means say so. I don’t think the damaged party is going to really care about that as much as you seem to think.”

Short answer: “Do what you want and anyone who calls you on it is self-righteous? Well, that’s convenient. You’re not doing badly in dealing yourself a good gig yourself, friend.”

Having said those, if this person really thinks that the rules don’t apply to them, I’d be less inclined to make that person into a reclamation project and more inclined to quietly disinvest in anything that depends on that person’s integrity.

 

[adgloriam]

Thanks for that brilliant reply @PetraG , you just broke the internet and made me laugh out loud.

I mean, I’m in a really good mood after having read your post

 

[SetInMotion]

The word “self-righteous”.

“Self” “righteous” is “Self” “Law”. It means you are judging by your own set of rules, rather than judging righteous judgment, that is to say, after God’s law or rules or judgment.

It is often a ‘slander’ of the one reproving, though not always so. For those who say, “Don’t do that because scripture says …” is not “self-righteous”. It is God’s righteousness being the standard in that instance. Now, motive also comes into play, lest hypocrisy enters in.

Psa_119:142 Thy righteousness is an everlasting righteousness, and thy law is the truth.

Psa_119:172 My tongue shall speak of thy word: for all thy commandments are righteousness.

Isa_51:7 Hearken unto me, ye that know righteousness, the people in whose heart is my law; fear ye not the reproach of men, neither be ye afraid of their revilings.

Further, Jesus reproves in love, not hypocrisy.

Rev_3:19 As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.

Luk 12:14 And he said unto him, Man, who made me a judge or a divider over you?

Act 7:27 But he that did his neighbour wrong thrust him away, saying, Who made thee a ruler and a judge over us?

 

[PetraG]

Thanks for that brilliant reply @PetraG , you just broke the internet and made me laugh out loud.

I mean, I’m in a really good mood after having read your post

I kind of answered as if you were accused of being a hypocrite after calling someone else out on bad behavior, but most of the time when someone being defensive about bad behavior and makes the “self-righteous” accusation, that’s what they mean.

Actually, what they actually “mean” is this: “I’m going to deflect the question you raised about my behavior by implying that you must be an even worse person just by the fact that you were so arrogant as to presume to openly question me about my behavior.”

In other words, if you call someone out on bad behavior and they say “You’re being self-righteous” or “Who are you to ask that, you hypocrite?” you can say, “Oooo…a little defensive, are we? Should I conclude that you can’t actually look me in the eye with a straight face and defend what you’re doing?”

Or you can shake your head and say, “I’m self-righteous because I notice that your behavior would embarrass the dog. OK, whatever…” Which is as much to say “You’re calling me self-righteous because you want me to leave you alone about being shameless.”

To really be self-righteous, you would be judging someone else’s behavior from a position that is callous concerning how different and how much harder their situation is than the easier one you are sitting in. In other words, yes, you’re doing it all “right” but it is (a) easier for you and (b) your rule-following is doing no one any good while your judgmental attitude is harmful. Looking down on people who commit petty crimes just in order to live while you live an easy life and do nothing to help the people you criticize is an example. The self-righteous person just cares about scoring an “A” on following morality rules to justify feeling superior to other people, not actually pursuing a moral life in order to help everyone have the joy of a virtuous life.

 

[po18guy]

You could say “Don’t be an Id**t” However, there is a far more charitable way of addressing this. In our age of live and let live, I’m OK you’re OK and moral relativism, it is not simply the language that has become comfused.

What you are doing is admonishing the sinner - the first spiritual work of mercy. We cannot expect those around us to understand - at least not at first. Indeed, we are intended to suffer for doing what is right - which is also a spiritual work of mercy.

 

[adgloriam]

@Vico, thank you, also for cautioning me - never too much a reminder. I would just add that the Thesaurus dictionary gave me the best overview of the word, which is inherently given to ambiguity.

@BartholomewB thank you, for pointing out the arrogance inherent to self-righteousness. I found the smugness element especially amusing, because it’s actually quite frequent and I wouldn’t have thought of that tell-sign.

@vz71 thank you, a very empirical and action oriented reading. Your contribution was wise and I needed that.

@SetInMotion thank you, for unpacking the scriptural connection with righteousness, I would never have thought of that. I also appreciated the quotes.

@po18guy thank you, establishing the direct relation with moral relativism and spiritual work of mercy was precious. The perfect closing remark.

@PetraG …Thank you for your effort in helping me. You elaborated on the term from a wealth of perspectives and it was very helpful. I also appreciated the it on a personal level because I was needing some catholic support and care on this.

 

[PetraG]

You elaborated on the term from a wealth of perspectives and it was very helpful.

I am sorry that it is such a loaded term.
I don’t know if you had any choice about it, but kudos on learning English! I’m learning Spanish and I very much admire anyone who is taking on English.

 

[adgloriam]

adgloriam:

You elaborated on the term from a wealth of perspectives and it was very helpful.

I am sorry that it is such a loaded term.
I don’t know if you had any choice about it, but kudos on learning English! I’m learning Spanish and I very much admire anyone who is taking on English.

Actually I’ve been learning English continuously for over 20 years. I came across the word in my personal life after becoming friends with an English speaking native. I was accused of being self-righteous (wrongly I hope) but that prompted a lot of worry on my part. It’s been resolved for the best in the meanwhile, but the word came as quite a curve ball and caused me lots of afterthought.