Natural Family Planning for an Unmarried Couple

[mymindinspired]

What would Church teaching have to say about a couple, unmarried (in college), committed, practicing NFP who are intimate but who plan on marrying? There is no logical reasoning to say that this couple is any different from the married couple who waited until they were married to be intimate, as long as they plan on staying together and getting married. It can be reasoned that it is the commitment and the promise to marry that binds these two people together, and not the wedding day, correct? I am having trouble reconciling my faith with this notion.

 

[Della]

The Church would say they are living in sin–committing fornication no matter the NFP or commitment to each other. Why couldn’t they wait to be intimate until they’d stood before God and the Church and made their vows? Marriage is a sacrament, not just a ceremony. Indeed, approaching marriage in the Church with the attitude that the rite of marriage is just a ceremony and not a sacrament would, in and of itself disqualify this couple from being allowed to marry and would be grounds for annulment later on. Living together before marriage is a formula for disaster besides being a mortal sin. So no, NFP doesn’t matter at all in this case–it’s beside the point entirely. They have no right to be engaging sex unless and until they are properly married.

 

[jegow]

What would Church teaching have to say about a couple, unmarried (in college), committed, practicing NFP who are intimate but who plan on marrying? There is no logical reasoning to say that this couple is any different from the married couple who waited until they were married to be intimate, as long as they plan on staying together and getting married. It can be reasoned that it is the commitment and the promise to marry that binds these two people together, and not the wedding day, correct? I am having trouble reconciling my faith with this notion.

1. 
   *]First - the couple is not married. This is called fornication and is a mortal sin. This is would be the first problem.
   *]To use NFP, the couple, according to Humanae Vitae, needs to have good reason for practicing it. In the case of the non-married couple, they would be using it as a form of contraception, using an effective method to totally avoid pregnancy rather than spacing births.
   *]Marriage is a sacrament. When a couple enters into marriage an unbreakable bond (or covenant) between God and their spouse is formed. To ‘plan’ on staying together is certainly different than making public vows in front of your spouse, the minister (priest), wedding party, and family and friends.
   *]What takes place on their wedding day is what binds them together. It is the vows that both man and woman unreservedly make to each other in front of the minister, witnesses and the rest of those present.

 

[ConstantineTG]

What would Church teaching have to say about a couple, unmarried (in college), committed, practicing NFP who are intimate but who plan on marrying? There is no logical reasoning to say that this couple is any different from the married couple who waited until they were married to be intimate, as long as they plan on staying together and getting married. It can be reasoned that it is the commitment and the promise to marry that binds these two people together, and not the wedding day, correct? I am having trouble reconciling my faith with this notion.

The Church says its a sin. No matter what their future intentions are, they cannot be intimate before marriage. The vows are the one that binds them together and the vows are not said before the wedding ceremony. Commitment is just that. We commit to many things but eventually in the future we change our mind. A marriage is not a marriage until the vows are said and the marriage has been Sacramentalized.

 

[lizaanne]

There is no logical reasoning to say that this couple is any different from the married couple who waited until they were married to be intimate, as long as they plan on staying together and getting married.

Oh yes there is!!! Marriage is a Sacrament. You don’t just change your name after the wedding day, you become joined to the other person. Two become one in a way that does not happen just by sleeping in the same bed or “promising” to always be together. Do some more study on the Sacraments of the Catholic Church to understand this further. Marriage is far more than just standing up in a pretty dress and saying “I do”. Start with the Catechism of the Catholic Church - you can find it online.

~Liza

 

[porthos11]

What would Church teaching have to say about a couple, unmarried (in college), committed, practicing NFP who are intimate but who plan on marrying? There is no logical reasoning to say that this couple is any different from the married couple who waited until they were married to be intimate, as long as they plan on staying together and getting married. It can be reasoned that it is the commitment and the promise to marry that binds these two people together, and not the wedding day, correct? I am having trouble reconciling my faith with this notion.

There is indeed a logical reason. They are not married, therefore no sex allowed. Commitment does not equal married.

Doesn’t matter whether they use NFP or not. Premarital sex is a mortal sin.

 

[TimothyH]

What would Church teaching have to say about a couple, unmarried (in college), committed, practicing NFP who are intimate but who plan on marrying?

You are committed only in words, not in action. You have not publically professed your committment nor legaly established it and the truth is, either one of you could probably walk away with little or no consequences. Sacramentally, you have not entered into marriage and so you lack the grace conferred by the sacrament of matrimony required to make it truly work as God intended. You have in fact, done exactly the opposite, robbing yourself of sanctifying grace and placing your salvation in jeopordy by breaking God’s law.

The Church teaches, with Christ as our model, that true love is a total giving of one’s self sacrificing everything for the sake of the other. This means a total committment, not just in word, but in action. A promise of a million dollars is not the same as a million dollars in the hand. A committment and promise to marry is not the same as being asked in the presence of God if you will forsake all others until death and publically declaring that you will.

Pope John Paul II would say that you are simpy using each other for sexual gratification. The use of another human being is the exact opposite of love.

And it’s not so much a matter of rules as it is turning to God for the strength and grace required to resist everything your body and society tells you you should do, everything the world says is OK to do. It’s turning to God and asking for his help in understanding that love is to total gift, a complete commitment.

-Tim-

 

[vz71]

It can be reasoned that it is the commitment and the promise to marry that binds these two people together, and not the wedding day, correct? I am having trouble reconciling my faith with this notion.

It would be faulty reasoning.
The bond is the sacrament of marriage, not a promise to commit.

 

[jbecknell]

Marriage is a covenantal relationship between three persons, not just two. It is between you, your spouse, and God. By your above reasoning, you have left the most important person out of the picture.

 

[mymindinspired]

Even if the couple does not and will not live together before they are married (stats say couples who live together are more likely to get divorced), they are still in sin even though they are practicing Natural Family Planning so that it helps them better understand the act as a gift of God, and so that it does not become cheapened or stale? I understand that there should be no loopholes in Church doctrine and teaching to make exceptions like these, but I do wonder if there have been studies done on couples who are not yet married but do not live together, are faithful, attend church together and practice NFP. I doubt it, but it might show that the couple is not more likely to get divorced or have an unhealthy marriage.

There is a bold line between receiving sexual gratification and treating the act as something special, sacred and something not to be abused.

 

[Myqyl]

Matrimony is not a commitment. It is a Sacrament. Someone studying for the priesthood can not perform a Mass simply because he has made the decision to be a priest. He needs to wait till he’s ordained.

Just my 2 cents

God bless.

 

[Della]

Even if the couple does not and will not live together before they are married (stats say couples who live together are more likely to get divorced), they are still in sin even though they are practicing Natural Family Planning so that it helps them better understand the act as a gift of God, and so that it does not become cheapened or stale? I understand that there should be no loopholes in Church doctrine and teaching to make exceptions like these, but I do wonder if there have been studies done on couples who are not yet married but do not live together, are faithful, attend church together and practice NFP. I doubt it, but it might show that the couple is not more likely to get divorced or have an unhealthy marriage.

There is a bold line between receiving sexual gratification and treating the act as something special, sacred and something not to be abused.

I don’t follow you here. No couple can practice NFP that isn’t engaging in sex. How could any study be done for an action that isn’t happening? Only those engaging in sex would practice NFP or not. And studies have been done that show that those who lived together before marriage are more likely to divorce than those who didn’t. The reasons certainly have nothing to do with practicing NFP. I’ve never heard of a couple living together sans marriage that bothered about NFP. I’ve heard of plenty on ABC–probably one of the factors that leads to divorce after they marry, but not NFP, which couples who are fornicating aren’t worried about in the first place.

 

[Carlan]

What would Church teaching have to say about a couple, unmarried (in college), committed, practicing NFP who are intimate but who plan on marrying? There is no logical reasoning to say that this couple is any different from the married couple who waited until they were married to be intimate, as long as they plan on staying together and getting married. It can be reasoned that it is the commitment and the promise to marry that binds these two people together, and not the wedding day, correct? I am having trouble reconciling my faith with this notion.

HELLO Mindinspired, If this is your personal life at the moment, and you and your friend are Catholic you should know better. No need to ask for council here. Your confessor would, quick smart ,set you straight, Peace, Carlan

 

[baltobetsy]

Even if the couple does not and will not live together before they are married (stats say couples who live together are more likely to get divorced), they are still in sin even though they are practicing Natural Family Planning so that it helps them better understand the act as a gift of God, and so that it does not become cheapened or stale? I understand that there should be no loopholes in Church doctrine and teaching to make exceptions like these, but I do wonder if there have been studies done on couples who are not yet married but do not live together, are faithful, attend church together and practice NFP. I doubt it, but it might show that the couple is not more likely to get divorced or have an unhealthy marriage.

There is a bold line between receiving sexual gratification and treating the act as something special, sacred and something not to be abused.

It appears you are thinking that the reasoning behind the prohibition against premarital sex is to improve the statistical probability that the couple will stay together and treat sex as something special and sacred. That is one of the benefits of following the command, but it’s not the reason behind the command. God has ordained that marriage is the only legitimate setting for sexual intercourse; everything else is adultery or fornication.

 

[taye]

Why would a couple place themselves a situation of mortal sin, instead of waiting a few months or years till their wedding? I premuse that would be because abstinence is hard. Something being “difficult” is no excuse to start looking for the “easy” or “immoral” way out. What will become of this hypothetical couple when they need to abstain during the course of their marriage, for good reasons (long cycles, illness, etc…) for long periods of time? If they need to abstain for long (justified) periods, who says they will not turn to other immoral acts/contraception out of frustration? This is where the slippery slope comes into play…

Most engaged couples struggle with chastity. That is normal. However, they must use this time to learn that there is more to marriage than sex. If, and when, they do fall into sin, then they must confess these sins. Unfortunately, many people become “addicted” to sex during their courtship and fail to see the other’s serious flaws. And then they get married and “discover” that the person they married is different than the one they were dating. When you are engaged in premarital sex, you see your boy/girlfriend through rose-colored glasses. Not a good thing when you’re supposed to be discerning your future vocation!

 

[manualman]

You are arguing that sex can be divorced from marriage (or at least precede it) without consequences. This betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of how interlinked sex and marriage are. By fornicating before marriage, your bodies are the living embodiment of a lie: The action says “I give myself utterly to you” but the will refuses to do so, citing (I presume) frivolous reasons for delaying true marriage. (But our parents won’t understand, or we can’t afford the reception and honeymoon we want yet…)

Regardless of your protests, you ARE both undeniably making a statement to one another that you ARE the kind of person that will have sex with someone you are not married to. Funny thing about sin is that any given sin gets easier to commit each time you do it!

If you two are REALLY totally and utterly committed to spending your lives together, just get MARRIED for heavens sake! (and your own). It’s about being truly honest with one another physically and spiritually.

The consummation of your marriage was designed to seal and fix the bond that began when you made your vows to one another. By attempting to consummate it before you MAKE those vows, you only manage to damage and dilute your ability to fully consummate your marriage when you DO finally get around to it. We’ve all been to wedding where the couple strangely linger a LONG time at the reception. Clearly, there’s nothing terribly new and novel waiting for them after the party is over. It’s not supposed to be so sad.

 

[porthos11]

Even if the couple does not and will not live together before they are married (stats say couples who live together are more likely to get divorced), they are still in sin even though they are practicing Natural Family Planning so that it helps them better understand the act as a gift of God, and so that it does not become cheapened or stale? I understand that there should be no loopholes in Church doctrine and teaching to make exceptions like these, but I do wonder if there have been studies done on couples who are not yet married but do not live together, are faithful, attend church together and practice NFP. I doubt it, but it might show that the couple is not more likely to get divorced or have an unhealthy marriage.

There is a bold line between receiving sexual gratification and treating the act as something special, sacred and something not to be abused.

Not married = no sex allowed. Mortal sin. No ifs, no buts. This makes the whole NFP thing moot.

If a couple are not married and are having sex anyway despite knowing this, they are NOT being faithful whether or not they use NFP.

Let’s not kid ourselves here, really.

 

[MissMarlene]

Even if the couple does not and will not live together before they are married (stats say couples who live together are more likely to get divorced), they are still in sin even though they are practicing Natural Family Planning so that it helps them better understand the act as a gift of God, and so that it does not become cheapened or stale? I understand that there should be no loopholes in Church doctrine and teaching to make exceptions like these, but I do wonder if there have been studies done on couples who are not yet married but do not live together, are faithful, attend church together and practice NFP. I doubt it, but it might show that the couple is not more likely to get divorced or have an unhealthy marriage.

There is a bold line between receiving sexual gratification and treating the act as something special, sacred and something not to be abused.

Honey, whenever you ask cohabitating people, they say they are serious about their relationship and plan to stay together. Many say they just dont believe in having a “piece of paper” telling them they are married.
Everyone who moves into another persons house thinks it will last. You are no exception.
The statistics speak for themselves.
Not only do one out of two cohabitating couples seperate, but they also live in an unstable situation in which they have given themselves, bonded on every fundamental level, but not given the commitment which actually counts.
Statistics prove that this is not good for their future odds of staying together, even if they get married. Statistics on women in such relationships show less happiness and more risk of violece and children who live with unmarried parents show a significantly higher rate of antisocial and criminal behaviour, high school drop-out, promiscuity etc.

Your choices have consequences for your self and for your partner and whole family… also the example you make is not good in this aspect.

I hope you will study Theology of the Body. You are still young and you and your girl friend can be spared alot of mistakes if you start studying some Christian anthopology … I grew up secular and lived as a non-believer.
The teachings on sexuality in the Church are so awesome that even that alone shows me that God Himself inspired it

 

[twoangels]

What would Church teaching have to say about a couple, unmarried (in college), committed, practicing NFP who are intimate but who plan on marrying? There is no logical reasoning to say that this couple is any different from the married couple who waited until they were married to be intimate, as long as they plan on staying together and getting married.

Eh, wrong answer. They have not entered into a covenant, they have not sworn an oath before God and family. If they are engaged, they simply have the intent to marry. Their attitude should be to prepare for marriage, but also where any serious red flags that come up during preparation should move them toward breaking the engagement and the relationship. They have up till their expression of matrimonial consent to change their mind.

So definitely they are more committed than when they were dating, but they should never treat any part of their courtship as if it were marriage.

It can be reasoned that it is the commitment and the promise to marry that binds these two people together, and not the wedding day, correct? I am having trouble reconciling my faith with this notion.

Nope, we are a sacramental religion. You aren’t married till you express your matrimonial consent to marry at the altar. Its not an empty ritual. It is a reality that is taking place. Marriage moreover is more than an emotional or intellectual commitment anyway.

 

[PennyinCanada]

If you are having sex and not married, please don’t be receiving communion.

This time in your life is so special, and so short. Please consider that this is your dating time. A time to learn how to communicate, like how do you feel about family, children, finances, house hold chores, vacations, and etc. Give him the challenge of courting you.

There are women who marry ‘losers’, by their own admission. They got intimate too soon and did not discern the qualities of the man in a true light. I’m not saying he’s a loser but rather many have married and regretted their choice of spouse all too soon. Now is the time to think clearly.