Need a good question to ask

[Latinitas]

Hi everyone,

This is a little urgent, but anyway,

I’m on an online dating forum that’s free, and someone liked me and so I sent a message asking if she wanted to talk, and to get to know her better. She said yes glowingly, with a hearts in eyes emotogram. I found this a little suspicious of being a scammer, but not enough to completely reject her as one. So I’ve asker her a couple more questions and have gotten very short, but very direct answers to my questions. She did answer the questions, and with okay grammar (nothing really bad like I’ve gotten before that’s told me it’s a scammer), but didn’t provide very long replies.

I need a good question to ask her that will really allow me to see by her answer if she’s just really interested, or is just scamming me.

By the way, I’m not looking for advice about whether online dating is a good idea, or whether or not I should date or something like that. Please stick with the topic I asked.

I want to add that she’s too far away for me to arrange a physical meeting with, so I need to be a quesiton to ask her, a not “can we meet …?”.

Thanks,
Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas

 

[ifiddles]

it would help if you told us what you asked her already…and when you say “scammer” what do you mean exactly?..a player (someone who dates multiple people at one time)…a gold digger…have you seen any pics? (not that they too can’t be fake)…

 

[Latinitas]

No, I haven’t gotten any pictures, but neither do I have any either. She doesn’t have much on her profile, but many others don’t either. It’s understandably a little nervous being a free website for dating.

I’ve her things like what is the Catholic Faith to you, etc. I’m tempted to say that she’s just a little shy, since I haven’t gotten any request for money, or e-mail, or something like that.

Thanks,
Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas

 

[Xantippe]

Hi everyone,

This is a little urgent, but anyway,

I’m on an online dating forum that’s free, and someone liked me and so I sent a message asking if she wanted to talk, and to get to know her better. She said yes glowingly, with a hearts in eyes emotogram. I found this a little suspicious of being a scammer, but not enough to completely reject her as one. So I’ve asker her a couple more questions and have gotten very short, but very direct answers to my questions. She did answer the questions, and with okay grammar (nothing really bad like I’ve gotten before that’s told me it’s a scammer), but didn’t provide very long replies.

I need a good question to ask her that will really allow me to see by her answer if she’s just really interested, or is just scamming me.

By the way, I’m not looking for advice about whether online dating is a good idea, or whether or not I should date or something like that. Please stick with the topic I asked.

I want to add that she’s too far away for me to arrange a physical meeting with, so I need to be a quesiton to ask her, a not “can we meet …?”.

Thanks,
Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas

If she’s too far away to see in person any time soon, why bother?

You shouldn’t over-commit romantically to people you won’t have the opportunity to meet in person within the foreseeable future.

 

[Latinitas]

If she’s too far away to see in person any time soon, why bother?

You shouldn’t over-commit romantically to people you won’t have the opportunity to meet in person within the foreseeable future.

Yeah, I’ve thought about that. However, if I can establish really good communication with her via email or the like, than I’m okay with it. I haven’t committed by any means. I’m pretty sure she isn’t a scammer, so thankfully, that’s that, but I’m not planning on taking this anywhere other than online pen-pals.

Thanks,
Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas

 

[Richard_White]

Ask this: Can you describe the roles that your various family members play in your life and how prevalent your Catholic Faith is in your life? (I think you said she was Catholic, right?)

May God bless you and guide you forever!

 

[pianistclare]

Ask this: Can you describe the roles that your various family members play in your life and how prevalent your Catholic Faith is in your life? (I think you said she was Catholic, right?)

May God bless you and guide you forever!

Ask if she lives in the States.

 

[Xantippe]

Yeah, I’ve thought about that. However, if I can establish really good communication with her via email or the like, than I’m okay with it. I haven’t committed by any means. I’m pretty sure she isn’t a scammer, so thankfully, that’s that, but I’m not planning on taking this anywhere other than online pen-pals.

Thanks,
Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas

Does she want just an online platonic penpal? If she does, that’s great, but if she doesn’t, you’re wasting her time. (And the hearts-in-eyes emotogram does not sound very platonic.)

You can find lots of great online friends on non-dating websites, for instance CAF. Online friends don’t need to be your age or female or available to meet in person, which gives you a lot more options.

 

[Latinitas]

Does she want just an online platonic penpal? If she does, that’s great, but if she doesn’t, you’re wasting her time. (And the hearts-in-eyes emotogram does not sound very platonic.)

You can find lots of great online friends on non-dating websites, for instance CAF. Online friends don’t need to be your age or female or available to meet in person, which gives you a lot more options.

Well, as long as I have this suspicion, I’m keeping it a pen-pals. I’m okay with dating online and long distance - that’s not for discussion. I am looking to date too, so I’m not opposed to it, I’m judging the relationship as it is right now. If I feel that it’s not going to work, I will tell here - don’t worry.

Sincere thanks for the advice, although I’d prefer to stay on topic,
Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas

 

[Emily2014]

Perhaps you could ask her what sort of things make her angry - happy - sad - what sort of things make her laugh etc. and why.

How she spends her spare time. What sort of music she enjoys. What books does she like.
You might consider asking her how she would describe herself to you if you were drawing a mental picture of her. What does she feel are her best and worst personality traits.

Best of luck with it all and God bless you.

 

[Xantippe]

Well, as long as I have this suspicion, I’m keeping it a pen-pals. I’m okay with dating online and long distance - that’s not for discussion. I am looking to date too, so I’m not opposed to it, I’m judging the relationship as it is right now. If I feel that it’s not going to work, I will tell here - don’t worry.

Sincere thanks for the advice, although I’d prefer to stay on topic,
Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas

Why be in contact with anybody online that you have any suspicions of but aren’t able to verify because of distance? That doesn’t sound like a good use of time.

There are real live women within 100 or 200 miles of you that you could click with online and manage to see in person regularly without too much trouble.

Also, if you are in college right now, are you making good use of your IRL social opportunities? As I recall, a year ago, you were planning to go to a super duper Catholic college. If that has worked out, why not take advantage of the once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that that presents? Have you actually exhausted your local options?

I’m all for judicious use of online dating, but it’s not a replacement for a real social life.

Good luck!

 

[Auntie_A]

Your original post was eloquent, clear, long and it made sense. What you need to find out is:

1. Is she real or is she a 16 year old boy or girl who is having fun with his friends while "dating " you online? It has happened to many of us.
2. Is she real but not eloquent and probably not someone you would actually enjoy sharing your writing with or taking up your time?
3. Is she real, not eloquent but maybe a nice but difficult person to get to know?
4. Or some other possibility of the internet ethers?

The point is to not divulge too much more than is divulged to you. Some people are so excited about making connection that they give it all away in the first email and never really seem to know who was at the other end.

The other point is to ask her more open-ended questions that require more than a one to five word answer. What is your favorite music? Where do you like to vacation? What do you do for work or school? These are all pretty deadend questions. Ask her three open questions like some of the ones mentioned earlier on this thread or try: tell me a story about some important event in your life that changed your direction…how do you see your relationship with God at this point in your life?..describe what kind of life you would like to have ten years from now. Scammers rarely have enough time to answer such questions in depth since they usually have a few scams going on at the same time. But even if they do respond, be skeptical with the answer, especially if it takes a long time to get a reply. And even if it’s a quick reply, read between the lines.

Ask if she has any posts on any online forums that would reveal more about her.

Pay attention here. It’s SO easy to be fooled with on the dating sites and the internet in general.

And remember that your excitement at making a connection with someone could be blocking out some important details. Meeting someone in person requires the use of a great many more senses including common sense.

 

[Latinitas]

Why be in contact with anybody online that you have any suspicions of but aren’t able to verify because of distance? That doesn’t sound like a good use of time.

There are real live women within 100 or 200 miles of you that you could click with online and manage to see in person regularly without too much trouble.

Also, if you are in college right now, are you making good use of your IRL social opportunities? As I recall, a year ago, you were planning to go to a super duper Catholic college. If that has worked out, why not take advantage of the once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that that presents? Have you actually exhausted your local options?

I’m all for judicious use of online dating, but it’s not a replacement for a real social life.

Good luck!

I’m open to a long-distance relationship - I said I’m not discussing this. I’m on the opposite coast of the country in a very remote town, I can’t just rent a car (too young), and the campus, while still very Catholic as far as professors and administration are concerned has taken a bad turn as regards the student body. At least 30% of the students aren’t Catholic, and many of the Catholic students do things that are, let’s say, very contrary to Catholic teaching, especially the dress, the language, the way people date etc.

This is getting off topic, so I’m going to say more firmly, that it needs to answer the original question.

Nevertheless, sincerely thanks!

Your original post was eloquent, clear, long and it made sense. What you need to find out is:

1. Is she real or is she a 16 year old boy or girl who is having fun with his friends while "dating " you online? It has happened to many of us.
2. Is she real but not eloquent and probably not someone you would actually enjoy sharing your writing with or taking up your time?
3. Is she real, not eloquent but maybe a nice but difficult person to get to know?
4. Or some other possibility of the internet ethers?

The point is to not divulge too much more than is divulged to you. Some people are so excited about making connection that they give it all away in the first email and never really seem to know who was at the other end.

The other point is to ask her more open-ended questions that require more than a one to five word answer. What is your favorite music? Where do you like to vacation? What do you do for work or school? These are all pretty deadend questions. Ask her three open questions like some of the ones mentioned earlier on this thread or try: tell me a story about some important event in your life that changed your direction…how do you see your relationship with God at this point in your life?..describe what kind of life you would like to have ten years from now. Scammers rarely have enough time to answer such questions in depth since they usually have a few scams going on at the same time. But even if they do respond, be skeptical with the answer, especially if it takes a long time to get a reply. And even if it’s a quick reply, read between the lines.

Ask if she has any posts on any online forums that would reveal more about her.

Pay attention here. It’s SO easy to be fooled with on the dating sites and the internet in general.

And remember that your excitement at making a connection with someone could be blocking out some important details. Meeting someone in person requires the use of a great many more senses including common sense.

Yeah, I know. It is exciting to make a connection, but I’m pretty good about keeping my head over my heart - I’ve dealt with two scams now, so I know what to do.

I pretty much followed your advice, the questions were answered, very directly, but I can tell she’s genuine. Another one I got, initally less suspicious actually turned to be quite bad.

Thanks very much (both of you),
Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas

 

[ready]

Ask her to tell you all about herself, her likes and dislikes, her hopes and fears, her faith and love for Jesus and Mary. Let her be free to answer you as comes natural to her. God bless you.

 

[InNomineDomini]

I need a good question to ask her that will really allow me to see by her answer if she’s just really interested, or is just scamming me.

Yeah, I know. It is exciting to make a connection, but I’m pretty good about keeping my head over my heart - I’ve dealt with two scams now, so I know what to do.

I pretty much followed your advice, the questions were answered, very directly, but** I can tell she’s genuine**.

I’m confused. Do you mean that you can **now **tell that she’s genuine, but when you started this thread, you couldn’t?

 

[pianistclare]

Just some random thoughts, (keeping in mind, I met my second husband online at a Catholic site)

Why are you so interested in someone you cannot converse with face to face?
Is it because you don’t want to be distracted at school?
Is it because you don’t have the extra funds to date? Some girls don’t require you to empty your account to be friends.
Is it because you feel the girls around you are unsuitable?
Maybe you’ve already addressed these, but my humble opinion is…
YOU’RE YOUNG! You probably have lots of opportunities to met girls at school! Girls who are at the same stage in their lives, same hopes and dreams!
I went online because I’m an old fart.
There were no single men in my age bracket at church that were ok that I had 2 semi-grown daughters. I did meet someone wonderful online. I did.
But if I were young…never married, and without kids?
I’d be strutting my stuff on campus, and trusting that some nice girl would notice me because I was kind, interesting, polite, intelligent, clean, respectful, and witty.
I think maybe you haven’t given in person enough of a chance.
but as I say, just my :twocents:

God willing, I hope she ends up being a good match for you.
But you’re young!

 

[Xantippe]

Just some random thoughts, (keeping in mind, I met my second husband online at a Catholic site)

Why are you so interested in someone you cannot converse with face to face?
Is it because you don’t want to be distracted at school?
Is it because you don’t have the extra funds to date? Some girls don’t require you to empty your account to be friends.
Is it because you feel the girls around you are unsuitable?
Maybe you’ve already addressed these, but my humble opinion is…
YOU’RE YOUNG! You probably have lots of opportunities to met girls at school! Girls who are at the same stage in their lives, same hopes and dreams!
I went online because I’m an old fart.
There were no single men in my age bracket at church that were ok that I had 2 semi-grown daughters. I did meet someone wonderful online. I did.
But if I were young…never married, and without kids?
I’d be strutting my stuff on campus, and trusting that some nice girl would notice me because I was kind, interesting, polite, intelligent, clean, respectful, and witty.
I think maybe you haven’t given in person enough of a chance.
but as I say, just my :twocents:

God willing, I hope she ends up being a good match for you.
But you’re young!

Yes.

Being on a Catholic campus is a glorious opportunity for somebody the OP’s age. I lived in residence on one of the most notoriously liberal and secular Catholic colleges in the country, and do you think there were good Catholic kids there? You betcha–lots of them. You meet that sort of person when you join the right groups–the pro-life group, Knights of Columbus (for male friends), a philosophy club if there is one (you can always start one!), a classics club (again, you can always start one!) a Bible study, different volunteer groups–the sky is the limit. I live near a large college campus these days, and it just blows my mind how many student organizations there are, and there’s always room for one more. There is literally a niche for everybody, if not 4 or 5.

This is an amazing opportunity to develop socially and you may be frittering it away.

 

[InNomineDomini]

This is an amazing opportunity to develop socially and you may be frittering it away.

Quite agree.

I go to a parish that’s associated with the University of Virginia, and can see first-hand the wonderful opportunities that Catholic student groups have for kids. Being with others your own age is so incredibly important, especially at university, and this should not be thrown away for cyber-relationships that could be lies and fantasy.

Meeting people online to meet in person is one thing. Limiting romantic relationships to computers and phones is far too much space for the insecure and lonely to exploit and to create personas for themselves.

I know of someone who had, some 15 years ago, an online “relationship” with a woman who was married, and who was being lied to about everything ranging from the man’s real name to his age to his country of origin. This individual continued this pattern with several other women, to boot, and I highly doubt that this type of thing is unique to this man.

People sometimes need outlets for basic needs that are not being met in their lives, and the internet can be just such an outlet. While people certainly lie in real life, too, there is more accountability as well, and there is a greater potential to correctly intuit certain facts about another person. Don’t open yourself to things which can limit you and cause you to stagnate, but find things that will help you to grow and to be healthy.