Need advice about a "friend"

[Whitacre_Girl]

Okay, I’m totally at my wits end, and I need advice…or just to rant. Not sure which.

So, I have this friend that I have known since college. She and her husband intproduced me to my husband, and we were always really close (or so it seemed) so much so that I asked her to be the Matron of Honor at my wedding. Well, she was and was helpful during that (although she never showed up to dress fittings, bridal showers, etc.) and when I got back from my honeymoon, I NEVER heard from her. Since then, we have been following this demented pattern of: Hang out, hang out again a week later, then I send texts, calls, emails, facebook messages, etc only to have them all ignored. I wait several months while texting intermittently until I blow up, go over to her house bang on the door and give her a piece on my mind. She then tearfully explains that she has social anxiety and a whole host of other medical problems. She then promises to get better because she doesn’t want to lose any more friends over this issue. I forgive her, she forgives me, we hang out, we hang out a week later, then a text her and the ignoring starts again.

Nearly a third of all the times we’ve hung out have been be going over there to say that I am sick of being ignored. Well, we’re at the downswing of one of those cycles. You know, where I am ready to drive over there and threaten her again. I know she does in fact have these problems, and physical ailments. But she is responding to everyone else on facebook and ignoring my messages, won’t return my calls, and when I returned her sewing stuff to her, her husband came to the door, didn’t invite my husband or I in, and she won’t even come to the door to say “hi”

Now, I have my own issues and I really don’t need her drama anymore. The thing is, she’s the only “friend” I have within a half hour drive of my house. It just seems like she was only friends with me to be in the wedding. I don’t get it. I feel like in order to have her around again I need to have a baby since, although she has some kind of social anxiety, all her friends who have babies she makes time for!!!

What do I do? Do I restart the cycle by driving over there, ignore her, or send a message basically saying that I am done. This has been going on for THREE YEARS now.

 

[Kimothy80]

Okay, I’m totally at my wits end, and I need advice…or just to rant. Not sure which.

So, I have this friend that I have known since college. She and her husband intproduced me to my husband, and we were always really close (or so it seemed) so much so that I asked her to be the Matron of Honor at my wedding. Well, she was and was helpful during that (although she never showed up to dress fittings, bridal showers, etc.) and when I got back from my honeymoon, I NEVER heard from her. Since then, we have been following this demented pattern of: Hang out, hang out again a week later, then I send texts, calls, emails, facebook messages, etc only to have them all ignored. I wait several months while texting intermittently until I blow up, go over to her house bang on the door and give her a piece on my mind. She then tearfully explains that she has social anxiety and a whole host of other medical problems. She then promises to get better because she doesn’t want to lose any more friends over this issue. I forgive her, she forgives me, we hang out, we hang out a week later, then a text her and the ignoring starts again.

Nearly a third of all the times we’ve hung out have been be going over there to say that I am sick of being ignored. Well, we’re at the downswing of one of those cycles. You know, where I am ready to drive over there and threaten her again. I know she does in fact have these problems, and physical ailments. But she is responding to everyone else on facebook and ignoring my messages, won’t return my calls, and when I returned her sewing stuff to her, her husband came to the door, didn’t invite my husband or I in, and she won’t even come to the door to say “hi”

Now, I have my own issues and I really don’t need her drama anymore. The thing is, she’s the only “friend” I have within a half hour drive of my house. It just seems like she was only friends with me to be in the wedding. I don’t get it. I feel like in order to have her around again I need to have a baby since, although she has some kind of social anxiety, all her friends who have babies she makes time for!!!

What do I do? Do I restart the cycle by driving over there, ignore her, or send a message basically saying that I am done. This has been going on for THREE YEARS now.

Whiteacre~

Questions:
When you’re just “hanging out” what do you do? Go out to dinner? Talk? What do you talk about? Are the conversations serious or just “girl talk”?

Unfortuntely, I have lost female friends or the “closeness” due to the fact that they are married and have children and I don’t. For whatever reason, some women do kind of turn their backs on their single friends which is sad IMO. I certainly don’t have anything against them but we just don’t have the same interests.

Also, and I hate to be blunt about it, but I’d just give up. When (and if) she wants to talk to you/hang out on a more regular basis, you’re there but this roller coaster isn’t healthy for either one of you. For you or her. You’re kind of still giving her a “free pass” to treat you this way and to have it go on for three years is just wrong IMO.

Sorry if I seem like I’m rambling but my thoughts aren’t very organized but I wanted to comment on your situation.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Whiteacre~

Questions:
When you’re just “hanging out” what do you do? Go out to dinner? Talk? What do you talk about? Are the conversations serious or just “girl talk”?

Unfortuntely, I have lost female friends or the “closeness” due to the fact that they are married and have children and I don’t. For whatever reason, some women do kind of turn their backs on their single friends which is sad IMO. I certainly don’t have anything against them but we just don’t have the same interests.

Also, and I hate to be blunt about it, but I’d just give up. When (and if) she wants to talk to you/hang out on a more regular basis, you’re there but this roller coaster isn’t healthy for either one of you. For you or her. You’re kind of still giving her a “free pass” to treat you this way and to have it go on for three years is just wrong IMO.

Sorry if I seem like I’m rambling but my thoughts aren’t very organized but I wanted to comment on your situation.

To answer your first question, our talks are very serious. We talk about her social anxiety and what it does in her life, we talk about serious issues in her past, we talk about things we want to do together in the future. We are identical as far as our interest: we are both going into elementary education, we both love scrapbooking and quilting, and we both are married women with no kids. We’ve often joked about being one person in two different bodies before when we were really close. When we hang out together, we bake, go to dinner/lunch, quilt together, scrapbook together, or play board games. There was even a time when I was living with her and her husband just before I got married. Her husband and my husband are actually best friends and he coems over here often to hang out, and she never comes with even though she has been invited countless times.

Don’t worry about being blunt. I really need help dealing with this situation. I have her currently “hidden” but not deleted from my FB so I can’t see her when she responds to her other “friends” but not to me. I am wondering if I should take her out of my life completely and delete her from my cell, and stop inviting her over. I just don’t know. I need bluntness, and advice (if this is what is needed) on how to stop being so angry when I think about her.

 

[PatriceA]

Do the other friends she hangs out with know about her social anxieties? Or could it be she is embarrassed that you know so much about her situation and being around her reminds her of her insecurities? If her other friends don’t know about her anxieties, maybe she can “forget” about her problems when she’s around them.

I would probably step back from the friendship for awhile, not try so much. But I would always leave the door open for her to come back into your life. The anger isn’t going to help either of you if the current way you relate to her continues. All its doing is making you resentful and you have fully come to expect her to reject you. Maybe she’s just not capable of giving you the friendship you want from her.

 

[ChangeWorkPeace]

If you want bluntness:

1. You both seem to be in an unhealthy relationship with each other.
2. You both seem to have issues which might lead you to being in unhealthy relationships.
3. You both seem to want to get out of or take a break from the relationship.

So get out.

Of course, #2 seems to be keeping you from doing this. Thus, I don’t know if anything written here will really help. But the answer seems quite clear.

Get out.

 

[Em_in_FL]

To answer your first question, our talks are very serious. We talk about her social anxiety and what it does in her life, we talk about serious issues in her past, we talk about things we want to do together in the future. We are identical as far as our interest: we are both going into elementary education, we both love scrapbooking and quilting, and we both are married women with no kids. We’ve often joked about being one person in two different bodies before when we were really close. When we hang out together, we bake, go to dinner/lunch, quilt together, scrapbook together, or play board games. There was even a time when I was living with her and her husband just before I got married. Her husband and my husband are actually best friends and he coems over here often to hang out, and she never comes with even though she has been invited countless times.

Don’t worry about being blunt. I really need help dealing with this situation. I have her currently “hidden” but not deleted from my FB so I can’t see her when she responds to her other “friends” but not to me. I am wondering if I should take her out of my life completely and delete her from my cell, and stop inviting her over. I just don’t know. I need bluntness, and advice (if this is what is needed) on how to stop being so angry when I think about her.

Do you always *agree *on everything you talk about?
Who is the more *dominant *personality between the two of you?

In my personal experience with friends and family… sometimes when I’m around ‘strong’ personalities I clam up and nod in agreement during conversations, when inside I have a very different opinion… I’m not interested in a strong debate over ideas so I don’t bring up my differing opinion… and then I tend to back away from those relationships.

Do you think this may be the case with her? Since she has social anxiety issues she may not feel comfortable sharing her personal (differing) opinions with you out of fear that a strong disagreement would arise.

Just my thoughts…

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Do you always *agree *on everything you talk about?
Who is the more *dominant *personality between the two of you?

In my personal experience with friends and family… sometimes when I’m around ‘strong’ personalities I clam up and nod in agreement during conversations, when inside I have a very different opinion… I’m not interested in a strong debate over ideas so I don’t bring up my differing opinion… and then I tend to back away from those relationships.

Do you think this may be the case with her? Since she has social anxiety issues she may not feel comfortable sharing her personal (differing) opinions with you out of fear that a strong disagreement would arise.

Just my thoughts…

Oddly enough, she is the dominant one. it’s typically her stating an opinion and me agreeing with her. When we hang out, she is usually in charge, as she is a very dominant personality. This is true for most my friendships since I am typically passive. We have encountered differing opinions, and she is very good at strongly stating her opinion in a way that everyone is clear about.

The reason I get so upset is that we were BEST friends for a long time, then she (seemingly) suddenly just lost interet in me when I was no longer “the bride” you know?

 

[1ke]

This sound like it’s about you, not her.

Frankly, since you don’t mind people being blunt, I think it’s very creepy that you would get **angry **over this, go to her house, bang on the door, blow up and “threaten” her over this. If you did that to me, the word *psycho *would come to mind and I wouldn’t hang out with you either.

This sounds to me like YOU are insecure and can’t handle that she has a different level of space needed in a friendship.

If she doesn’t respond, doesn’t want to go do something, doesn’t post on facebook, etc, don’t take it so personally. She has issues, and they seem to manifest in a rathe predictable way.

Also, if she makes time for others and not for you: maybe that should be telling you something. Don’t put all your eggs in this basket.

Just make a life that includes people other than her.

She seems perfectly find with the frequency of interaction with you. If you can’t take her as she is, then move on.

 

[Em_in_FL]

This sound like it’s about you, not her.
…
…
She seems perfectly find with the frequency of interaction with you. If you can’t take her as she is, then move on.

Yeah, I agree with 1ke… it’s probably time to face the facts…

You sound lonely and needy, to be honest.
She sounds like she may have lots of other active friendships - which really shouldn’t be a point of jealousy for you - let her be herself!

I go through “phases” with friends when we sort of connect for a few days/weeks and then back off (ie - on Facebook I’ll share comments/jokes for several days in a row… then maybe back off - that’s normal)… it’s just normal fluctuation of personalities in society…

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

If you want bluntness:

1. You both seem to be in an unhealthy relationship with each other.
2. You both seem to have issues which might lead you to being in unhealthy relationships.
3. You both seem to want to get out of or take a break from the relationship.

So get out.

Of course, #2 seems to be keeping you from doing this. Thus, I don’t know if anything written here will really help. But the answer seems quite clear.

Get out.

How would you recoomend doing this? I am inclined to believe you when I say that our relationshipmay have been unhealthy. I have actually got treatment for my “issues” and I am focusing on forming more healthy relationships.

Do I bother sending her a message? I have tried this approach before and she usually will respond at that point by saying “no! Don’t give up on me! Come over next week, we’ll work this out! I promise I’ll be around more! Just come over to my house uninvited if you have to!” and the cycle then starts again. I really need help with this.

 

[Jay82]

This sound like it’s about you, not her.

Frankly, since you don’t mind people being blunt, I think it’s very creepy that you would get **angry **over this, go to her house, bang on the door, blow up and “threaten” her over this. If you did that to me, the word *psycho *would come to mind and I wouldn’t hang out with you either.

This sounds to me like YOU are insecure and can’t handle that she has a different level of space needed in a friendship.

Yeah, if someone did that to me, it would creep me out and I wouldn’t want to spend time with them anymore.

If she doesn’t respond, doesn’t want to go do something, doesn’t post on facebook, etc, don’t take it so personally. She has issues, and they seem to manifest in a rathe predictable way.

Also, if she makes time for others and not for you: maybe that should be telling you something. Don’t put all your eggs in this basket.

Just make a life that includes people other than her.

She seems perfectly find with the frequency of interaction with you. If you can’t take her as she is, then move on.

Maybe she has these cycles with other people, so while she is hanging out with you, she is ignoring them and vice versa.

Make some new friends and just leave the door open to stay in touch with her, don’t cut her off.

 

[1ke]

Do I bother sending her a message? I have tried this approach before and she usually will respond at that point by saying “no! Don’t give up on me! Come over next week, we’ll work this out! I promise I’ll be around more! Just come over to my house uninvited if you have to!” and the cycle then starts again. I really need help with this.

Just let it be.

You don’t need to announce that you are breaking up with her. Just go about your business.

If you naturally drift apart, so be it. If you find some sort of equalibrium in the friendship, great.

If she invites you to do something, go if you want to but don’t have expectations beyond that. If you invite her to do something and she comes, great. If she declines, don’t take it personally.

And, make some new friends who do not know this girl and would be totally separate relationships for you.

 

[GeorgiaPeach]

I agree with 1ke too.

#1: Lower your expectations…you’ll never be disappointed.
#2: Don’t stalk her. If she ignores you, let it go. She will call you when and if she is ready.
#3: Don’t read too much into things.
#4: Let go of your resentment towards her.

Honestly…maybe she is afraid of you??? Some of your comments regarding her are passive-aggressive. If she has issues of her own the last thing she needs is a needy friend.

 

[ChangeWorkPeace]

Just let it be.

You don’t need to announce that you are breaking up with her. Just go about your business.

If you naturally drift apart, so be it. If you find some sort of equalibrium in the friendship, great.

If she invites you to do something, go if you want to but don’t have expectations beyond that. If you invite her to do something and she comes, great. If she declines, don’t take it personally.

And, make some new friends who do not know this girl and would be totally separate relationships for you.

Completely agree with this. Let it be. No messages. You might see her again due to your husbands. Be cordial. Chat. Let it go.

 

[the_phoenix]

Find some other people who are interested in things
like quilting and scrapbooking?
You may find broadening your horizons this way
to be really enriching.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

I agree with 1ke too.

#1: Lower your expectations…you’ll never be disappointed.
#2: Don’t stalk her. If she ignores you, let it go. She will call you when and if she is ready.
#3: Don’t read too much into things.
#4: Let go of your resentment towards her.

Honestly…maybe she is afraid of you??? Some of your comments regarding her are passive-aggressive. If she has issues of her own the last thing she needs is a needy friend.

Maybe I need to just tell the whole story. We met and hung out almost everyday for 2 years while my husband a d I were dating. We did everythingtogether. She moved an hour away but we still talked. I moved in with her 6 months later for 3 months. Efore I got married. When I got married she dropped off the radar. 6 months of silence and her husband brought her to my house to talk. She told me a out everything. I hugged and told her that no matter what we were gunna be there for her and help her. She setunch dates to hang out before dropping off the radar again. Concerned, I we. Over to her house after another 6 months of silence. She said her mess hadn’t been working and too me she had lost all her friends because of it. I stayed with her for 8 hours listening to her cry and talk. I told her to try to stay in touch because it does hurt. We hung out weekly for a month, then she disappeared again. I used all the techniques she gave me to stay in touh. Nothing. Then a mutual ex-friend told me she was bad mouthing me all over town. That’s why she was ignoring me. I went over again to fi d out the truth. She was outraged and now. Either of us talk to that person anymore. We spent 2 weeks hanging out quilting. Before she disaappeared yet again. Again I went over and explained that I can’t keep a friendship up if she refuses to talk to me. She begged me not to go and to feel free to come over and get her on the ball again. She said it would help and even gave me her school email to stay in touch. Another few months go by and. Rings me to where I am. I promised to keep fighting for our friendship, but I feel like she isn’t even willing to try anymore, and the whole thing is too painful to me. I’m not trained to deal with people with her levels of issues. I tried being aggressive at her request, I tried giving her her space per my husband’s idea. None have worked and it’s starting to kill me. I feel like a horrible person if I sever this tie, but I don’t have the strength anymore. How do I do it? Should I do it? I just can’t carry both our burdens anymore.

I realize I should have told this whole story at first. I forget that you Internet people don’t know me or the situation from Adam.

 

[Rascalking]

Maybe I need to just tell the whole story. We met and hung out almost everyday for 2 years while my husband a d I were dating. We did everythingtogether. She moved an hour away but we still talked. I moved in with her 6 months later for 3 months. Efore I got married. When I got married she dropped off the radar. 6 months of silence and her husband brought her to my house to talk. She told me a out everything. I hugged and told her that no matter what we were gunna be there for her and help her. She setunch dates to hang out before dropping off the radar again. Concerned, I we. Over to her house after another 6 months of silence. She said her mess hadn’t been working and too me she had lost all her friends because of it. I stayed with her for 8 hours listening to her cry and talk. I told her to try to stay in touch because it does hurt. We hung out weekly for a month, then she disappeared again. I used all the techniques she gave me to stay in touh. Nothing. Then a mutual ex-friend told me she was bad mouthing me all over town. That’s why she was ignoring me. I went over again to fi d out the truth. She was outraged and now. Either of us talk to that person anymore. We spent 2 weeks hanging out quilting. Before she disaappeared yet again. Again I went over and explained that I can’t keep a friendship up if she refuses to talk to me. She begged me not to go and to feel free to come over and get her on the ball again. She said it would help and even gave me her school email to stay in touch. Another few months go by and. Rings me to where I am. I promised to keep fighting for our friendship, but I feel like she isn’t even willing to try anymore, and the whole thing is too painful to me. I’m not trained to deal with people with her levels of issues. I tried being aggressive at her request, I tried giving her her space per my husband’s idea. None have worked and it’s starting to kill me. I feel like a horrible person if I sever this tie, but I don’t have the strength anymore. How do I do it? Should I do it? I just can’t carry both our burdens anymore.

I realize I should have told this whole story at first. I forget that you Internet people don’t know me or the situation from Adam.

You seem like a good person to even think about the friendship-your better than I am. If someone is talking about me behind my back, I break the friendship. I’m a loyal guy to my friends, I expect the same in return.

What I would do is talk to her and say, “Look, I love like you nuts, but I seem to be the one pouring out my heart over this friendship, and your acting a bit flakey. What’s up?”

If she still acts like this, I wouldn’t bother.

 

[doanli]

Just let it be.

You don’t need to announce that you are breaking up with her. Just go about your business.

If you naturally drift apart, so be it. If you find some sort of equalibrium in the friendship, great.

If she invites you to do something, go if you want to but don’t have expectations beyond that. If you invite her to do something and she comes, great. If she declines, don’t take it personally.

And, make some new friends who do not know this girl and would be totally separate relationships for you.

I 100% agree with this advice.

Expand your horizons, lady!

 

[I_Fortuna]

How would you recoomend doing this? I am inclined to believe you when I say that our relationshipmay have been unhealthy. I have actually got treatment for my “issues” and I am focusing on forming more healthy relationships.

Do I bother sending her a message? I have tried this approach before and she usually will respond at that point by saying “no! Don’t give up on me! Come over next week, we’ll work this out! I promise I’ll be around more! Just come over to my house uninvited if you have to!” and the cycle then starts again. I really need help with this.

I agree with 1ke and I think you should not get sucked into this unhealthy pattern. For your own health, I would not write or call back no matter how much she begs. If she wanted to see you she would come to you. It sounds as if both of you are competeing for control.

For you to go over to her house and bang on the door is, IMHO, extreme.

If you go to church, seek friends there. Your wanting to give so much of yourself to a relationship is kind of a way to control it I think. Let people come to you a step back to not appear overbearing is good for all. I have had similar problems with friends. I just moved on. You or your gifts (similarities) can’t be appreciated by someone who does not want your company as much as they used to. Surely you have a quilting club or a group that enjoys scrapbooking, I hope you look to them for friendship.

My best to you, love yourself enough to let go. God Bless.

 

[DJgang]

She may really be suffering from depression and anxiety. It’s not drama if that’s the case.

This happened to me.

I had a friend that I didn’t talk to for two years because of my depression.

Limit the friendship to talking on the telephone. Call hrt and keep calling her, she may be they type (now) to not feel like talking much and often however, she will feel better just knowing you care.

Don’t go to her house…send a card. Leave a message that you are just thinking about her, etc.