R
Revert05
Guest
Hi all,
I have some questions about a situation a friend is in and I’m not sure what, if anything, I should say. I also want to ask for clarification on what I think is right. It’s complicated…
This friend of mine started RCIA in the fall and is planning on coming into the church at Easter time. He was separated from his wife at the time he started RCIA. They are now trying to reconcile.
Here’s the stuff I’m asking about:
The marriage he is in is his second marriage (her first). His first marriage was not sacramental (neither party baptized), but I told him when he started RCIA that he would have to have his first marriage investigated to determine its validity. He went to see his priest (some time ago, before this attempt at reconciliation started) to tell the story and find out how to proceed. His priest said he would get back to him that weekend, but so far he still doesn’t have any answers (so it’s not a simple case of talking to the priest). His sponsor and the people running the RCIA (not the priest) have told him that because the first marriage is not sacramental that he gets a “get out of jail free” card. I told him that everything I know tells me this is not true, and while it’s possible to have a natural marriage dissolved, I don’t think those principles apply to his situation. I believe he has to go the route of marriage tribunal to determine the validity of the first marriage and as far as I know, he cannot come into the church if he has an unresolved first marriage and is reconciled with his current legal wife, unless they both agree to live as brother and sister until things are resolved (this may be possible).
To further complicate matters, neither he nor his current wife were open to children when they said their marriage vows. My friend changed his mind about this some time ago, but his current wife never has and has refused to even discuss the matter in the past (not sure if that’s changed recently). So, even if the first marriage is found invalid, I can’t see how he can have a valid marriage with his current wife unless she has a change of heart. If she does have a change of heart now, would that obligate him to stay in the marriage?
So one question I have is: if the first marriage is found invalid, does that automatically mean the 2nd marriage is presumed valid or would they have to repeat their vows (in front of a priest, since he would be Catholic by then)? If that’s the case, I don’t see how that can happen because the priest would ask if they were open to children, and she would have to either say “no” or lie (unless she changes her mind), so is he trying to reconcile in vain?
My friend’s sponsor also told him that contraception used to be a big deal but it’s not really any more. I told him that’s not true.
I don’t know what I should do. I am the only Catholic he knew and I am the reason he started looking into RCIA, so I’ve been talking to him about this type of stuff for several months now. However, while I tried to convince him to stay in his marriage for some time, as I learned more, I stopped because I truly don’t believe he is in a valid marriage. He’s told me that the only reason he’s “reconciled” with her is because his sponsor told him basically that he has to. I’m afraid he’s making decisions based on wrong information. I am afraid he’ll come into the church while in an invalid marriage, use contraception because it’s “no big deal” and never have children because he is “obligated” to not stay in his current marriage.
First thing I’m looking for is to determine if what I believe about the validity of his marriage is correct. If his 2nd (current) marriage is valid, then I would also tell him he needs to stay in it.
Second, if I am right and it looks like he would be in an invalid marriage, what then? Do I keep my mouth shut and hope that the priest eventually meets with him and tells him the truth? Do I tell him everything and try to convince him of the truth? I am conflicted because it seems like that would tell him he can’t reconcile with his current wife the way things are now… and it goes completely against my grain to tell anyone to leave a marriage.
I have some questions about a situation a friend is in and I’m not sure what, if anything, I should say. I also want to ask for clarification on what I think is right. It’s complicated…
This friend of mine started RCIA in the fall and is planning on coming into the church at Easter time. He was separated from his wife at the time he started RCIA. They are now trying to reconcile.
Here’s the stuff I’m asking about:
The marriage he is in is his second marriage (her first). His first marriage was not sacramental (neither party baptized), but I told him when he started RCIA that he would have to have his first marriage investigated to determine its validity. He went to see his priest (some time ago, before this attempt at reconciliation started) to tell the story and find out how to proceed. His priest said he would get back to him that weekend, but so far he still doesn’t have any answers (so it’s not a simple case of talking to the priest). His sponsor and the people running the RCIA (not the priest) have told him that because the first marriage is not sacramental that he gets a “get out of jail free” card. I told him that everything I know tells me this is not true, and while it’s possible to have a natural marriage dissolved, I don’t think those principles apply to his situation. I believe he has to go the route of marriage tribunal to determine the validity of the first marriage and as far as I know, he cannot come into the church if he has an unresolved first marriage and is reconciled with his current legal wife, unless they both agree to live as brother and sister until things are resolved (this may be possible).
To further complicate matters, neither he nor his current wife were open to children when they said their marriage vows. My friend changed his mind about this some time ago, but his current wife never has and has refused to even discuss the matter in the past (not sure if that’s changed recently). So, even if the first marriage is found invalid, I can’t see how he can have a valid marriage with his current wife unless she has a change of heart. If she does have a change of heart now, would that obligate him to stay in the marriage?
So one question I have is: if the first marriage is found invalid, does that automatically mean the 2nd marriage is presumed valid or would they have to repeat their vows (in front of a priest, since he would be Catholic by then)? If that’s the case, I don’t see how that can happen because the priest would ask if they were open to children, and she would have to either say “no” or lie (unless she changes her mind), so is he trying to reconcile in vain?
My friend’s sponsor also told him that contraception used to be a big deal but it’s not really any more. I told him that’s not true.
I don’t know what I should do. I am the only Catholic he knew and I am the reason he started looking into RCIA, so I’ve been talking to him about this type of stuff for several months now. However, while I tried to convince him to stay in his marriage for some time, as I learned more, I stopped because I truly don’t believe he is in a valid marriage. He’s told me that the only reason he’s “reconciled” with her is because his sponsor told him basically that he has to. I’m afraid he’s making decisions based on wrong information. I am afraid he’ll come into the church while in an invalid marriage, use contraception because it’s “no big deal” and never have children because he is “obligated” to not stay in his current marriage.
First thing I’m looking for is to determine if what I believe about the validity of his marriage is correct. If his 2nd (current) marriage is valid, then I would also tell him he needs to stay in it.
Second, if I am right and it looks like he would be in an invalid marriage, what then? Do I keep my mouth shut and hope that the priest eventually meets with him and tells him the truth? Do I tell him everything and try to convince him of the truth? I am conflicted because it seems like that would tell him he can’t reconcile with his current wife the way things are now… and it goes completely against my grain to tell anyone to leave a marriage.