Need advice about letting go of anger against in-laws

[90Domer]

First, I ask you for your prayers in helping me let go of anger against my in-laws. Since I first married into the family, my in-laws have been uncharitable towards me. I can only guess it is due to the combination of two reasons: 1) they felt threatened by me because I was able to reach their son in ways they couldn’t and/or 2) I wouldn’t fully embrace their youngest son’s sinfulness (SSA). Besides spreading all kinds of vile about me to their youngest son, they have taken out their dislike on my son when the poor kid has done nothing to deserve this (he is on the autism spectrum, so he has little knowledge of the actual goings on). Thankfully, my husband supports me, but I find it tough to be charitable (the latest rant was their missing my son’s First Holy Communion because they thought my parents didn’t “like” them). It’s really tough for me to forgive when they make no apologies for their actions. If anyone has words of wisdom, I certainly would appreciate them. Thank you and God bless.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Before anyone can give you advice on mending relationships we would have to know exactly what you mean by #2. How did you treat your BIL? How did you talk to and about him? Have you shunned him or made it clear he’s less welcome than other members of the family? Because if you are treating their other son poorly there is absolutely no way that they are going to view you as wanting to be a sincere member of their family and they will not watch you hurt their son and stand by you.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I have had some success in my life with taking anger or irritation and asking Jesus to help me turn it into sympathy instead. I read in a previous post that your mother-in-law has exhibited behavior that was very mean in the past, and that emotional matters are more complicated because your father-in-law passed away recently.

If her behavior continues to where you need distance for your own mental health and that of your family, then by all means give yourself that space. However she is someone that is loved by Jesus deeply, she is a lost soul and she needs your sympathy and your prayers.

In addition I would encourage you to be kind to your husband. I speak from experience in this area. Having a mother that is destructive is painful, my husband’s mother was very difficult. Unfortunately I didn’t help matters. (Not implying you are like this but just sharing my story) Not only did the poor man have to “get it” from his mother, he had to get an earful from me after every single encounter with her. I talked about his mother to that poor man all the time it was awful. I realized I was making it so he would never be free of her venom since I was reminding him of it often. I wasn’t trying to be unkind to my husband in any way, I thought I was just venting and discussing but looking back it was not healthy.

Pray for her, tell your husband you are praying for her. When you are about to see her tell your husband you love him and that he will do a good job. Tell him you feel sorry for him that he does not have a loving relationship with his mother and you will pray for healing. Ask Jesus to help you see her through his eyes. When you feel anger towards her for being rude ask Jesus to forgive you for times when YOU were rude, when you feel anger toward her for being nasty ask Jesus to forgive you for times when YOU were nasty. Satan wants you to focus on her behavior, get angry, try and correct her and ruminate on how she has wounded you…Jesus wants you to focus on love. This does not mean you will never get angry or irritated! BUT it will be easier for you to let it go and will bring you the peace that you are seeking.

Hope this helps a little, please be assured of my prayers.

THIS. ^

And prayers for you!

 

[90Domer]

Quickly to answer question #2: My husband sets the tone for how we treat him, which has always been with charity. However, he got angry when his partner was not invited to our wedding. I felt it would present scandal, especially given that I was being married at my alma mater by two very orthodox priests (one of who was my uncle). In protest, he shaved his head just prior to the wedding (he was one of the groomsmen). If anything, the whole family has bent over backwards to please him, only to cause more heartbreak.

 

[90Domer]

I have had some success in my life with taking anger or irritation and asking Jesus to help me turn it into sympathy instead. I read in a previous post that your mother-in-law has exhibited behavior that was very mean in the past, and that emotional matters are more complicated because your father-in-law passed away recently.

If her behavior continues to where you need distance for your own mental health and that of your family, then by all means give yourself that space. However she is someone that is loved by Jesus deeply, she is a lost soul and she needs your sympathy and your prayers.

In addition I would encourage you to be kind to your husband. I speak from experience in this area. Having a mother that is destructive is painful, my husband’s mother was very difficult. Unfortunately I didn’t help matters. (Not implying you are like this but just sharing my story) Not only did the poor man have to “get it” from his mother, he had to get an earful from me after every single encounter with her. I talked about his mother to that poor man all the time it was awful. I realized I was making it so he would never be free of her venom since I was reminding him of it often. I wasn’t trying to be unkind to my husband in any way, I thought I was just venting and discussing but looking back it was not healthy.

Pray for her, tell your husband you are praying for her. When you are about to see her tell your husband you love him and that he will do a good job. Tell him you feel sorry for him that he does not have a loving relationship with his mother and you will pray for healing. Ask Jesus to help you see her through his eyes. When you feel anger towards her for being rude ask Jesus to forgive you for times when YOU were rude, when you feel anger toward her for being nasty ask Jesus to forgive you for times when YOU were nasty. Satan wants you to focus on her behavior, get angry, try and correct her and ruminate on how she has wounded you…Jesus wants you to focus on love. This does not mean you will never get angry or irritated! BUT it will be easier for you to let it go and will bring you the peace that you are seeking.

Hope this helps a little, please be assured of my prayers.

My goodness you are describing me! Thank you so much Monica. And yes, you do remember my past posts. The only good that has come out of this mess is that hubby and I have become very close with his middle brother and wife. Thank you for some advice I really need to take to heart.

 

[Regina_Love]

Been in the same pickle. Thoughts that helped me…

They lied about Jesus, called him names, persecuted him, and it wasn’t fun. Can you expect to be treated better than God?

We live in a war zone! There is a war going on for people’s souls. Wars get ugly. Don’t take it personal.

Broken thinking, (accepting sinful ways as good), is not logical, doesn’t function, and is common. Only God’s grace can correct this. Don’t take it personally.

People who are steeped in sin, and anger, and determined to hang on to that sin, even when it’s like pulling bobwire through their hands, cannot see the truth. Their souls are darkened. They live in a fog bank, because they lack the grace to see the truth of what God teaches. Some don’t care what he teaches. We MUST PRAY FOR THEM!

Anger can be hateful. We are called to “be angry, but do not sin.” I think God created anger to move us to action. He calls us to love one another. Practice loving them, by praying for them. This will cool your righteous anger, and help you to forgive. **If you were acting, and believing like them, wouldn’t you want someone to pray for you! ** Praying for some one can be a huge act of love for them, which is the opposite of hate.

satin wants you to hate them, and waste lots of energy fretting, fuming, and trying to control, or change them! He wants to divide you, and your spouse with anger, hurt, and confusion. Don’t take the bate. He wants you to believe it’s personal, but it’s satan prodding them to hate you, and be ugly, so they aren’t tempted to change for the better!

**You are NOT responsible for how they think, and act! ** God gave them free will. Respect that they have that right, even when they misuse it. You are not responsible to change them. Only the Holy Spirit can do that! You are responsible to change you! You are responsible for how you respond to them. You are wisely seeking encouragement to respond well!

You are called to plant seeds. When asked a question by them, or urged by the Holy Spirit, speak the truth. Keep it simple, sincere, soft, and peaceable. Plant the seed. Then LET IT GO. You are not responsible for how they receive, or reject it, explode, or bash you! Many rejected Jesus, and his truth. It is a part of life. Accept It!

You do not have a close, warm, fuzzy relationship. Accept it. It may be good to minimize contact for everyone involved, or put perameters around contact such as; I will only choose to be in their presence when my husband is there… This is healthy, and good.

It is a hard thing to follow Jesus when it puts such a divide between you, and your family! God knows this, and will give you the graces to do it well!

Lovingly accept this cross as part of your journey in learning to love, and live like Jesus.

Praying for you!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Quickly to answer question #2: My husband sets the tone for how we treat him, which has always been with charity. However, he got angry when his partner was not invited to our wedding. I felt it would present scandal, especially given that I was being married at my alma mater by two very orthodox priests (one of who was my uncle). In protest, he shaved his head just prior to the wedding (he was one of the groomsmen). If anything, the whole family has bent over backwards to please him, only to cause more heartbreak.

That’s something that’s going to need to be resolved before anyone can move forward. You need to discuss with him how you will treat him and then let him and his family decide what to do.

Frankly, it was pretty cruel for you to not invite his partner to a big family function where lots of couples would be, and probably downright humiliating for him. He was put in a position of not going to his brother’s wedding vs. going and making it clear to everyone that his partner just isn’t that important in his life. I know that if my fiance and I didn’t invite my brother’s partner, male or female to our wedding my family would be very angry and want to know when I got to be too good for them. I actually have a lesbian stepsister and I’m trying to imagine the insult that would cause to her, my stepfather, and even my mother. Even if you had to have an awkward talk beforehand about appropriate conduct it would have been better than that. His partner is his family in his heart. Everyone else had their long term loves, he wasn’t allowed. If I were him I probably wouldn’t have gone to your wedding, much less been in it. I fail to see how inviting his partner (and even Miss Manners agrees that same-sex couples count as a social unit) would have been bending over backwards.

 

[Regina_Love]

That’s something that’s going to need to be resolved before anyone can move forward. You need to discuss with him how you will treat him and then let him and his family decide what to do.

Frankly, it was pretty cruel for you to not invite his partner to a big family function where lots of couples would be, and probably downright humiliating for him. He was put in a position of not going to his brother’s wedding vs. going and making it clear to everyone that his partner just isn’t that important in his life. I know that if my fiance and I didn’t invite my brother’s partner, male or female to our wedding my family would be very angry and want to know when I got to be too good for them. I actually have a lesbian stepsister and I’m trying to imagine the insult that would cause to her, my stepfather, and even my mother. Even if you had to have an awkward talk beforehand about appropriate conduct it would have been better than that. His partner is his family in his heart. Everyone else had their long term loves, he wasn’t allowed. If I were him I probably wouldn’t have gone to your wedding, much less been in it. I fail to see how inviting his partner (and even Miss Manners agrees that same-sex couples count as a social unit) would have been bending over backwards.

Because they felt it would cause scandal, and be a public statement that the gay lifestyle is OK with God & his followers.

It was their wedding, and their choice whom to invite. They have a right to their opinion, and to follow the leading of the Holy Spirt, which should be respected. ** The wedding is about the couple, and their sacred vows.**

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Because they felt it would cause scandal, and be a public statement that the gay lifestyle is OK with God & his followers.

It was their wedding, and their choice whom to invite. They have a right to their opinion, and to follow the leading of the Holy Spirt, which should be respected. ** The wedding is about the couple, and their sacred vows.**

I agree with everything you’re saying. I have the right to invite whoever I want to my wedding as well, but out of courtesy and for the sake of keeping strong relationships I am inviting my mother’s husband, who abused me as a teenager. I’m inviting spouses and long term SOs of old friends that I’ve never met. I’m inviting my future BIL’s long term girlfriend even though she’s downright insufferable. I have the right to invite whoever I want to witness my vows, because that is what its about. But that doesn’t mean that there won’t be hurt feelings and consequences for the choices I make with that right.

I also don’t think that anyone in a million years would assume that by inviting an established couple you are approving of their relationship. If they know the couple and know their values, they would know that the couple was just being polite and working to maintain personal relationships. Everyone knows a couple or two that they disapprove of for any number of reasons but they tolerate both halves because its the decent thing to do.

And unless she banned cohabiting couples and divorced/remarried couples…

 

[90Domer]

I agree with everything you’re saying. I have the right to invite whoever I want to my wedding as well, but out of courtesy and for the sake of keeping strong relationships I am inviting my mother’s husband, who abused me as a teenager. I’m inviting spouses and long term SOs of old friends that I’ve never met. I’m inviting my future BIL’s long term girlfriend even though she’s downright insufferable. I have the right to invite whoever I want to witness my vows, because that is what its about. But that doesn’t mean that there won’t be hurt feelings and consequences for the choices I make with that right.

I also don’t think that anyone in a million years would assume that by inviting an established couple you are approving of their relationship. If they know the couple and know their values, they would know that the couple was just being polite and working to maintain personal relationships. Everyone knows a couple or two that they disapprove of for any number of reasons but they tolerate both halves because its the decent thing to do.

And unless she banned cohabiting couples and divorced/remarried couples…

Actually, there were only 25 people at our wedding, so there was no worry of divorced/remarried couples. We’ve been lucky in that we have been exposed to very, very little divorce in our families. None of mine nor my hubby’s friends were even dating.

Also, this was our day. We feared our BIL would make it about him, which he does at most family functions. As I said, he shaved his head in protest to ruin our wedding pictures (openly admitted this). Rule of thumb is that we treat the partner as though he was a college roommate. Would we have invited roomie to wedding? No, not when we only had 25 people there. Furthermore, we had no idea what state of “commitment” they were in. Sadly, this roomie did not last long, even though we loved him dearly.

 

[90Domer]

One more thing, too address Blue Lady, something you said is not true in our case. My father-in-law published an op-Ed piece against our knowledge saying how the whole family endorsed all aspects of SSA. I close friend, who was at my wedding, mind you, read the piece and thought I had softened my Catechism. She distanced herself from me, which in retrospect I can understand. She probably thought I lied to her. So, it does happen. That’s why scandal is such a big deal.

 

[90Domer]

Been in the same pickle. Thoughts that helped me…

They lied about Jesus, called him names, persecuted him, and it wasn’t fun. Can you expect to be treated better than God?

We live in a war zone! There is a war going on for people’s souls. Wars get ugly. Don’t take it personal.

Broken thinking, (accepting sinful ways as good), is not logical, doesn’t function, and is common. Only God’s grace can correct this. Don’t take it personally.

People who are steeped in sin, and anger, and determined to hang on to that sin, even when it’s like pulling bobwire through their hands, cannot see the truth. Their souls are darkened. They live in a fog bank, because they lack the grace to see the truth of what God teaches. Some don’t care what he teaches. We MUST PRAY FOR THEM!

Anger can be hateful. We are called to “be angry, but do not sin.” I think God created anger to move us to action. He calls us to love one another. Practice loving them, by praying for them. This will cool your righteous anger, and help you to forgive. **If you were acting, and believing like them, wouldn’t you want someone to pray for you! ** Praying for some one can be a huge act of love for them, which is the opposite of hate.

satin wants you to hate them, and waste lots of energy fretting, fuming, and trying to control, or change them! He wants to divide you, and your spouse with anger, hurt, and confusion. Don’t take the bate. He wants you to believe it’s personal, but it’s satan prodding them to hate you, and be ugly, so they aren’t tempted to change for the better!

**You are NOT responsible for how they think, and act! ** God gave them free will. Respect that they have that right, even when they misuse it. You are not responsible to change them. Only the Holy Spirit can do that! You are responsible to change you! You are responsible for how you respond to them. You are wisely seeking encouragement to respond well!

You are called to plant seeds. When asked a question by them, or urged by the Holy Spirit, speak the truth. Keep it simple, sincere, soft, and peaceable. Plant the seed. Then LET IT GO. You are not responsible for how they receive, or reject it, explode, or bash you! Many rejected Jesus, and his truth. It is a part of life. Accept It!

You do not have a close, warm, fuzzy relationship. Accept it. It may be good to minimize contact for everyone involved, or put perameters around contact such as; I will only choose to be in their presence when my husband is there… This is healthy, and good.

It is a hard thing to follow Jesus when it puts such a divide between you, and your family! God knows this, and will give you the graces to do it well!

Lovingly accept this cross as part of your journey in learning to love, and live like Jesus.

Praying for you!

Also beautiful advice. Thank you.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Actually, there were only 25 people at our wedding, so there was no worry of divorced/remarried couples. We’ve been lucky in that we have been exposed to very, very little divorce in our families. None of mine nor my hubby’s friends were even dating.

Also, this was our day. We feared our BIL would make it about him, which he does at most family functions. As I said, he shaved his head in protest to ruin our wedding pictures (openly admitted this). Rule of thumb is that we treat the partner as though he was a college roommate. Would we have invited roomie to wedding? No, not when we only had 25 people there. Furthermore, we had no idea what state of “commitment” they were in. Sadly, this roomie did not last long, even though we loved him dearly.

Then you need to have a long talk with him and your husband’s family about how you will treat his relationships in the future. If he ends up adopting children or using a surrogate and raising a family with his partner, treating him as your BIL’s “buddy” is only going to cause hurt and jeopardize your relationship with your nieces or nephews.

It really is only fair to have this discussion now before he does find a “roomie” that sticks around for good, or at least for a long time. I would want to know from the start if my brother and SIL intended on marginalizing and trivializing my relationships for the rest of my life so that I could decide with my eyes wide open exactly how much I wanted them in my life and how close I wanted them to be. Fiance and I have a rule that has recently caused a lot of problems with a certain family member. That rule is that his family will treat me with the respect that I deserve as being the person with this position in his life and my family will do the same for him. If one of them is unable to do that then they just have to stay away.

After you and your BIL are on the same page regarding the respect and consideration his partners will get from you then you can move forward with mending bridges. But be aware that if you do decide to treat him the way you describe his parents may very well not like you and may treat you with the same distance that you insist on treating his partners with. He is after all their son, and they probably won’t take kindly to someone who married in to the family trying to determine who “counts” and who doesn’t when it comes to relationships.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

One more thing, too address Blue Lady, something you said is not true in our case. My father-in-law published an op-Ed piece against our knowledge saying how the whole family endorsed all aspects of SSA. I close friend, who was at my wedding, mind you, read the piece and thought I had softened my Catechism. She distanced herself from me, which in retrospect I can understand. She probably thought I lied to her. So, it does happen. That’s why scandal is such a big deal.

If your friend distanced herself from you because of something your FIL wrote without even speaking to you then she has a problem. I don’t know anyone who would assume that my FIL was speaking on my behalf if he wrote an op-ed. Unless he mentioned his son and DIL in the article then there was really no reason to think that.

 

[90Domer]

Thanks for the advice. Please let’s not make this a SSA issue. We were mocked and abused for our treatment (we paid for our own wedding) and quite frankly would rather people not come if they weren’t sincere about supporting us as a couple. I don’t take too kindly for these same people trying to break-up my marriage. Listen, I need to bear witness to those actions that I think will get me to Heaven. Reaffirming anyone in his/her sin is not the way to Heaven in the eyes of the RCC or to me.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Thanks for the advice. Please let’s not make this a SSA issue. We were mocked and abused for our treatment (we paid for our own wedding) and quite frankly would rather people not come if they weren’t sincere about supporting us as a couple. I don’t take too kindly for these same people trying to break-up my marriage. Listen, I need to bear witness to those actions that I think will get me to Heaven. Reaffirming anyone in his/her sin is not the way to Heaven in the eyes of the RCC or to me.

I’m not debating same-sex relationships. I am pointing out that what you did caused hurt, and if you plan on moving forward with your in-laws that is going to have to be addressed and an agreement will have to be reached. Unless there’s something going on there that you haven’t posted I don’t think your BIL wanting his partner invited was trying to break up your marriage or not supporting you as a couple.

Think of it this way, to your parents in law there is not much difference between you and their other son’s partner. So for you to treat their other son’s partner as nothing more than a “roomie” rather than a potential future member of the family puts them in a bad position.

A lot of talking needs to be done, because even if you move on from the wedding issue things like this will crop up again and it will be a constant problem. Everyone needs to get on the same page and decide what they can and cannot live with.

Even if I think that you were wrong, or even if everyone else comes on here and tells you that you were right, our opinions don’t matter. It only matters what you and your in-laws are thinking and feeling and communication is the only way to get back on track.

 

[coachdennis]

Actually, there were only 25 people at our wedding, so there was no worry of divorced/remarried couples. We’ve been lucky in that we have been exposed to very, very little divorce in our families. None of mine nor my hubby’s friends were even dating.

Also, this was our day. We feared our BIL would make it about him, which he does at most family functions. **As I said, he shaved his head in protest to ruin our wedding pictures (openly admitted this). ** Rule of thumb is that we treat the partner as though he was a college roommate. Would we have invited roomie to wedding? No, not when we only had 25 people there. Furthermore, we had no idea what state of “commitment” they were in. Sadly, this roomie did not last long, even though we loved him dearly.

Unfortunately, immaturity and self-centeredness are found in all types of people.

I hope he realizes he did not nothing to support his “cause” but it sounds like that was not on his radar screen.

As you said, you did not know the level of “commitment” between the two and that may or may not have made a difference in your decision. I could see in that case he may feel you were putting him in a “partner” or “brother” situation and he might choose the partner.

But that is not what happened. You have my prayers. You have made my in-laws look like the communion of saints!

 

[90Domer]

And therein lies my problem…my in-laws will say something is perfectly dandy to our face and then tell the opposite story to everyone else behind our backs. BTW, this relationship is not reparable. We decided that a long time ago. I just want to let go of the last bit of anger I hold onto. Also, my hub believes his parents should not have reaffirmed his brother in his sin. But if they wanted to do it, OK, but don’t bad mouth us for wanting to live our faith as taught (they were supposedly orthodox Catholics as well, until this came up).

 

[90Domer]

Unfortunately, immaturity and self-centeredness are found in all types of people.

I hope he realizes he did not nothing to support his “cause” but it sounds like that was not on his radar screen.

As you said, you did not know the level of “commitment” between the two and that may or may not have made a difference in your decision. I could see in that case he may feel you were putting him in a “partner” or “brother” situation and he might choose the partner.

But that is not what happened. You have my prayers. You have made my in-laws look like the communion of saints!

Well, after 18 years of this treatment, we had to speak up for our son’s sake. Nothing should be taken out on him. He’s innocent in all this.

Glad I added some positive perspective to your in-laws! Now that is a plus!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

And therein lies my problem…my in-laws will say something is perfectly dandy to our face and then tell the opposite story to everyone else behind our backs. BTW, this relationship is not reparable. We decided that a long time ago. I just want to let go of the last bit of anger I hold onto. Also, my hub believes his parents should not have reaffirmed his brother in his sin. But if they wanted to do it, OK, but don’t bad mouth us for wanting to live our faith as taught (they were supposedly orthodox Catholics as well, until this came up).

If it isn’t reparable then make a clean break, that’s what’s best for everyone, especially your child. Don’t let it be filled with drama, guilt trips, etc. Just do what is best for you and your family. But do be prepared that one day your husband may want to reconcile with his family, and if that’s the case you can’t stand in his way. And if it does come to that be prepared to sit down with them and talk about what behaviors you can and cannot tolerate and what accommodations you all can make for each others beliefs. And definitely make it clear that you won’t tolerate talking behind your back.

I really think that you should try to keep from judging your in-laws on this issue. A lot of people reevaluate what they always believed about homosexuality when it stops being an abstract sin that affects other people and starts affecting their family, especially when its their child. I can imagine that you don’t know what you would do if your son told you that he was gay, was planning on finding a man to spend his life with, and that if you insisted on shunning his partner you wouldn’t have a relationship with him or your grandchildren.