Need advice about letting go of anger against in-laws

[Groo]

If it isn’t reparable then make a clean break, that’s what’s best for everyone, especially your child. Don’t let it be filled with drama, guilt trips, etc. Just do what is best for you and your family. But do be prepared that one day your husband may want to reconcile with his family, and if that’s the case you can’t stand in his way. And if it does come to that be prepared to sit down with them and talk about what behaviors you can and cannot tolerate and what accommodations you all can make for each others beliefs. And definitely make it clear that you won’t tolerate talking behind your back.

I really think that you should try to keep from judging your in-laws on this issue. A lot of people reevaluate what they always believed about homosexuality when it stops being an abstract sin that affects other people and starts affecting their family, especially when its their child. I can imagine that you don’t know what you would do if your son told you that he was gay, was planning on finding a man to spend his life with, and that if you insisted on shunning his partner you wouldn’t have a relationship with him or your grandchildren.

The OP requested that this thread not be about SSA.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The OP requested that this thread not be about SSA.

In her post asking how to let go of anger she complained about her in-laws changed attitude towards homosexuality. Part of letting go of anger is trying to understand where the other person is coming from, whether you think that they are right or not. Sometimes just realizing why someone is doing what they’re doing is enough to soften your feelings towards them.

 

[90Domer]

Hubby and I had a great talk about this over dinner. I need to repeat, this issue is about me letting go of past hurts. Sadly, there is little to no chance of reconciliation between the SSA son and my family/hubby’s middle brother’s family. Too much drama to speak of, but two brothers and their wives have been isolated because of his behavior–NOT related to SSA.

As for how I would react if my son were SSA, my MIL tried to pull that tactic on us. I can tell you that we would not affirm his sin. We would ask him to model other relatives of mine who have chosen to live a celebate life.

I only want to forget about the past harm done to me and my son. It’s not about reconciling, as hubby has no desire himself for that. It is purely to soften my heart about my MIL. How we live our lives is a joint decision, and I am tired of being the fall guy for a joint decision.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Hubby and I had a great talk about this over dinner. I need to repeat, this issue is about me letting go of past hurts. Sadly, there is little to no chance of reconciliation between the SSA son and my family/hubby’s middle brother’s family. Too much drama to speak of, but two brothers and their wives have been isolated because of his behavior–NOT related to SSA. Then make a clean break. No yelling, insults, anything. Just a calm “I’m sorry, but we won’t do this anymore”. Above all look out for your special needs son.

As for how I would react if my son were SSA, my MIL tried to pull that tactic on us. I can tell you that we would not affirm his sin. We would ask him to model other relatives of mine who have chosen to live a celebate life. Maybe, but I have a feeling it would be much harder than that if he made it clear that he wasn’t going to be celibate and that if you treated his partner badly you would lose your relationship with him and your grandchildren. Furthermore, you really shouldn’t waste time worrying about the way your mom treats your BIL, that really isn’t any of your business.

I only want to forget about the past harm done to me and my son. It’s not about reconciling, as hubby has no desire himself for that. It is purely to soften my heart about my MIL. How we live our lives is a joint decision, and I am tired of being the fall guy for a joint decision. That’s just one of the joys of being an in-law Often times no matter how clear it’s made that its a joint decision a family just can’t or won’t believe that their son/brother would do that and blame in on the person they married. I’m sorry that that is so difficult for you. If you are really harboring anger and hurt, and especially if your son is hurt and angry counseling may be in order. Religious or secular, I’m not picky, but find someone you can trust to talk to and get your feelings out.

 

[90Domer]

Actually, we have made a clean break with both family members per doctor’s orders. I just want to forget the past hurts and not have them come up and torment me. I do believe the devil is trying to work to hurt my family.

As for my son, God must have known that having a SSA son would be a very difficult cross for me to bear. By virtue of his disability, he is a “rule follower” who has been very well catechized, and that will probably remain rigid in him. God definitely knows what he’s doing?

Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful advice. I certainly appreciate all your time and efforts and will remember you in my prayers tonight. God bless.