Need advice about my alpha male husband

[cthomas4868]

I love him very much. He’s good with the babies, but not with the older kids, at least to my way of thinking. He does NOT like betrayal. He has a very difficult time with forgiveness. And, trust is a huge issue. If the oldest boy hurts his younger brother while wrestling, then my husband feels like he needs to defend the younger…that’s great except he doesn’t trust that it was an accident and disciplines overkill. When I intervene, I’m called the “lawyer” or “rookie”. I’ll say “they’re just kids!”…he says, “he never was one and never would have done that, if he was one!” My mother-in-law says that he’s alpha male and very proud of her son, of course. But, he’s catholic, too. I wish he could be more compassionate and forgiving, like St. Joseph. I want him to teach that to our boys, too. I could teach them, but I don’t think that it’s the same coming from mommy. Also, his dad was not involved in his life much, so he didn’t have a role model. I hoped maybe there was a book out there or something. I suggested St. Joseph, but he wondered what type of change I was expecting.

 

[blue_skies_1]

Oh my goodness . This sounds like very bullying type of behaviour. When you say your husband says ‘he never was one, and never would have done that if he was one!’, is he talking about your son being a child? That seems like such a strange thing to say . Does he make you feel fearful, in any way? I honestly don’t know what to suggest. I’m going to ask Mary and St Joseph to intercede for your family, I do hope things improve for you.

 

[Jennifer123]

I’m sorry for your pain. Here’s a website that talks about Catholic fatherhood. If he’s amenable, maybe offer to get him some cd/tapes he can listen to in the car, maybe.
dads.org/

 

[mpi]

I love him very much. He’s good with the babies, but not with the older kids, at least to my way of thinking. He does NOT like betrayal. He has a very difficult time with forgiveness. And, trust is a huge issue. If the oldest boy hurts his younger brother while wrestling, then my husband feels like he needs to defend the younger…that’s great except he doesn’t trust that it was an accident and disciplines overkill. When I intervene, I’m called the “lawyer” or “rookie”. I’ll say “they’re just kids!”…he says, “he never was one and never would have done that, if he was one!” My mother-in-law says that he’s alpha male and very proud of her son, of course. But, he’s catholic, too. I wish he could be more compassionate and forgiving, like St. Joseph. I want him to teach that to our boys, too. I could teach them, but I don’t think that it’s the same coming from mommy. Also, his dad was not involved in his life much, so he didn’t have a role model. I hoped maybe there was a book out there or something. I suggested St. Joseph, but he wondered what type of change I was expecting.

All people have to be one at some point. Why was your son never one year old?

 

[Trishie]

I know what that’s like and no amount of talking will change that behaviour because he’s certain he’s always right. But I do pray that God will miraculously inspire him to grow more empathetic and understanding of others.

 

[blossomingflowe]

I know this is potentially opening up a big can of worms but my inital thought is has something happened in your husbands childhood to cause him to feel that he has to protect the youngest child and that the oldest child is not hurting the youngest one by accident.You also said your husband finds it difficult to trust, what is the reason for this?
I just want to say that i am no expert just a housewife so i might of just read into this wrong but i hope for your family you can sort it out

 

[chevalier]

You can suggest that punishment only makes a point if the did was really done by the person who did it. Punishment of innocent people does them great injustice and can make them into bad people. I became a lawyer with a specialisation in criminal trial because of the way adults’ justice affected my system.

In any kind of adjudication strict adherence to the facts must be paid. It is a very good thing that your husband has a strong sense of justice and doesn’t want to stand by as older kids mistreat the younger kids. However, things cannot by default be the fault of the older one. I had to go with years of that as an oldest child and it was awful. Not only accused of the wrong things by default, but also because of always denying it - being seen as a liar. No one deserves this kind of thing.

 

[kage_ar]

Did how you will parent children come up during your pre-marital counseling?

My best advice is to seek out someone who can help you both with parenting, like www.drray.com and to look for some marital counseling from your Priest or a catholic group like www.exceptionalmarriages.com.

 

[MarieVeronica]

I suggested St. Joseph, but he wondered what type of change I was expecting.

I’m not married, and so I wouldn’t presume to give you advice about your husband and children.

However, when I read this line… (above)… a thought did occur to me. (not that St. Joseph isn’t a GREAT suggestion for a role model… because he IS! )

But, do you think that your husband would consider joining the Knights of Columbus? We’ve had some wonderful experiences, with the Knights… in our parish; they are a wonderful group of men. Perhaps, in the camaraderie of other family men… who work for the betterment of their own families… parish families… and the Church… he would be able to gain practical understanding and a profoundly good example… of Christian manhood. It’s sad, to hear that his own dad wasn’t “involved”.

kofc.org/un/index.cfm

Just a thought. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Hope things will get better. God bless.

 

[sb2323]

Fr. Corapi is about as alpha male as it gets, and someone your husband could probably relate to and respect. He gives some excellent sermons on humility and being a servant. Just watch a few of his talks and you’ll see how that can relate very well to your husband’s issues. St. Francis de Sales writes extensively on having patience with others as well as with onesself. Good luck and God bless.

 

[AveSantaMaria]

I made a thread on St. Joseph. Some very lovely people suggested recommended books for purchase.

Learning to Love St. Joseph
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=312058

Information on St. Joseph (haven’t read it yet though ) and Joachim (Mary’s father) is here. Mystical City of God themostholyrosary.com/mystical-city.htm
In Defense of The City of God Mystica Civitate Dei: dailycatholic.org/issue/05Jun/jun10tim.htm - to summarize the research of three priests on the official decision of the Holy Roman Catholic Church regarding The Mystical City of God by Venerable Mary of Jesus of Agreda and to ascertain thereby whether it is permitted for anyone of any authority whatsoever to forbid the reading of this extraordinary book.

 

[nablaise]

What is “alpha male?”

 

[sb2323]

“Alpha male” refers to a strong, assertive, natural-born leader. The male leader of a wolf pack is referred to as the alpha male. It can also be a polite way to describe a man who is aggressive and domineering.