Need advice about my marriage

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jessica00200

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I need advice. So my husband is a nice guy who helps people in need often. Well at his job, I get along with all his co-workers (I dont work there, I mean just by visiting the office, or inviting some of them to our house for dinner etc), except for one woman who snubs her nose at me if I go there and doesn’t even acknowledge me. I got irritated with her because she would call his work phone several times a day and i would see conversations lasting 10 minutes, sometimes 15 mins, but only during work hours, never when he’s home and on the weekends. He said it’s strictly about work so I let it go.
So right off the bat, this woman rubbed me the wrong way. Well my husband also plows for the company’s site with the work truck. The other day, after he was done plowing the property, I found out he drove to her house (she lives within about 10 minutes from the job), and plowed her driveway. He says it was because she asked him to and her husband is on disability. I got angry because that’s a company truck not for personal use, and if he was to risk his job like that, why for her? Why is it our problem they’re in a bind and need a plow. I told him please make this a one time thing and not for every snowfall. Well of course he got mad and said you’re not my mother, you can’t tell me what to do. Am I overreacting and being a jealous wife? I know he’s a genuinely nice guy who helps people in need, but I just don’t like this woman. She doesn’t even acknowledge me.
 
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jessica00200 said:
Well of course he got mad and said you’re not my mother, you can’t tell me what to do. Am I overreacting and being a jealous wife?
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Notice the proximity of these two sentences. Notice, the angry response to a rational question in sentence one immediately followed in sentence two of your concern about being jealous.
 
You’re not overreacting. You’re following your instincts, which at least ten million woman SHOULD be doing right now, but instead they’ll brush it off and lose their husbands.
jessica00200 said:
if I go there and doesn’t even acknowledge me
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jessica00200 said:
she would call his work phone several times a day and i would see conversations lasting 10 minutes, sometimes 15 mins,
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jessica00200 said:
and plowed her driveway.
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All signs of a budding affair. ^
jessica00200 said:
Well of course he got mad and said you’re not my mother, you can’t tell me what to do.
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This too is a sign of a budding affair… Especially the “you can’t tell me”!

His reaction comes from being caught with his hand in the cookie jar. (A chuckle or laugh and hug would possibly make for a different story.)

Do not let his reaction sway you from your feeling! His embarrassment is the best place to nip this in the bud. He’s a man being led! Right now it makes him feel powerful and desirable.

You have to rip her web off his face.

Do not accept blame for this. Do not listen to anyone who says it’s your fault.

Keep trusting your instincts!
 
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You’re not wrong to be unhappy and annoyed that she won’t acknowledge you. I understand why you feel annoyed that he’s doing her favours when she doesn’t respect you. I really don’t see a problem in them calling each other at work at all. Why does it bother you?

Don’t let your resentment of this woman come between you and your husband. I suspect he’s picking up on the fact that you really don’t like her and he’s not happy about it. I do think he needs to pay more attention to how she treats you. I wonder if you’re resentful based on more than just this woman - does the fact that he helps others often annoy you? Just the way you said you asked him ‘why is it our problem?’. I get why you would be annoyed, but I can also understand why that question would annoy him, when she’s his friend.

I agree with @QwertyGirl - either you choose to trust your husband or you don’t. If you don’t, then you need to work out where to go from there. You need to ask yourself, and be really honest with yourself, if you trust your husband. I recommend marriage counselling if you struggle to answer ‘yes’ to that question.
 
The phone calls I’m not that worried about. The nature of their business kinda forces them to be in communication with each other throughout the work day, that’s why I let that go.
 
I guess mainly my question is, if he continues to plow her driveway all winter, how should I handle this? One time or on occasion as a favor, whatever I guess. But on going? Seems weird to me.
 
You’ve brought up your concern, including your worry that the company might be mad at him for using their property for a personal errand. It’s probably best not to nag at him further–he is an adult, and this isn’t what you’d call flagrantly immoral behavior. (Though he should follow his company policy on using equipment for nonbusiness reasons. But do you actually know that he’s breaching their policy?)
 
Yes I know for a fact. He was told it is not for personal use. Only for plowing the property at work.
 
This doesn’t seem to be near as much about the virtues of your husband, or your marital state as it does with your own personal issues.

Given the length and complexity of your post, my own opinion is there is much more you need to let out, so the worst place to as for advice is here or any other social media site.
 
I’d suggest you make effort to befriend this lady. Have her and her husband over for dinner. Having a disabled husband is not easy, and work may be the only socializing for which she has bandwidth. Home may be nothing but being a private duty nurse.

Maybe ask her if you can bring over supper once a week, or offer to stay with her husband while she gets out for a couple of hours.

Your husband knows what his job does and does not permit with the work truck, he is a grown up and that is his business.
 
Do not invite her to anything!

It will be viewed as appeasement, approval and used against your marriage.
Wives who do not fight for their marriage lose their husbands.

btw,
Many if not most affairs start innocently.
 
Perhaps you could be happy that your husband is not disabled, and again, be happy that you are married to a man with such a kind heart.
 
Would you have minded him plowing the snow if she were nice to you?
 
jessica00200 said:
Am I overreacting and being a jealous wife? I know he’s a genuinely nice guy who helps people in need, but I just don’t like this woman. She doesn’t even acknowledge me.
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I think your concern over him misusing company property is reasonable as it could affect your family if he lost his job. He’s the one who works there, so he may have a better idea what is and isn’t allowed in the company culture.

Her ignoring you is a personality/temperament thing and is not worth your time, or frustrations. It also isn’t your husband’s fault that he works with a lady that ignores you.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Your husband knows what his job does and does not permit with the work truck, he is a grown up and that is his business.
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jessica00200 said:
He was told it is not for personal use. Only for plowing the property at work.
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She already stated he isn’t allowed to use the truck for personal use. This is a disciplinable offense up to and including loss-of-job at many companies.

Do you realize the liabilities if he has an accident in the truck off the property?

Where I work the time off-the-property would also be considered disciplinable. Some managers consider it theft.

She has every right to address the potential loss of income.
 
jessica00200 said:
I need advice. So my husband is a nice guy who helps people in need often. Well at his job, I get along with all his co-workers (I dont work there, I mean just by visiting the office, or inviting some of them to our house for dinner etc), except for one woman who snubs her nose at me if I go there and doesn’t even acknowledge me. I got irritated with her because she would call his work phone several times a day and i would see conversations lasting 10 minutes, sometimes 15 mins, but only during work hours, never when he’s home and on the weekends. He said it’s strictly about work so I let it go.
So right off the bat, this woman rubbed me the wrong way. Well my husband also plows for the company’s site with the work truck. The other day, after he was done plowing the property, I found out he drove to her house (she lives within about 10 minutes from the job), and plowed her driveway. He says it was because she asked him to and her husband is on disability. I got angry because that’s a company truck not for personal use, and if he was to risk his job like that, why for her? Why is it our problem they’re in a bind and need a plow. I told him please make this a one time thing and not for every snowfall. Well of course he got mad and said you’re not my mother, you can’t tell me what to do. Am I overreacting and being a jealous wife? I know he’s a genuinely nice guy who helps people in need, but I just don’t like this woman. She doesn’t even acknowledge me.
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Well, you could say to your husband “If you’re going to jeopardize your job and our financial future, could you at least do it for someone who doesn’t snub me?”.
 
Maybe it’s not as cut and dry as one side is right and the other is wrong. In a lot of cases, both sides are a little bit wrong and a little bit right (cue The Monkees).
Poster could be a tad insecure and her husband might feel attacked.
Someone who will listen to both sides without judgement and to teach them both methods of communication seem vital.
Unproductive:
“If you’re going to jeopardize your job and our financial future, could you at least do it for someone who doesn’t snub me?”
Better:
“This relationship makes me very uncomfortable and feeling left out.”
Unproductive:
“You’re not my mother, you can’t tell me what to do.”
“I see your point but on the other hand I feel belittled and controlled.”
The passive-aggressive, sarcasm and immature rhetoric needs to stop.
Praying for you both!
 
Thank you. I did talk to him about it again calmly and took all advice that was given to me. I just hope if he continues to do it throughout the winter, it doesn’t lead to more arguing. That was my main question. How do I handle it if he just simply doesn’t listen and does what he wants anyway
 
jessica00200 said:
How do I handle it if he just simply doesn’t listen and does what he wants anyway
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The short answer: When he breaks his vows to you he breaks the marriage.
A better first approach: You teach people how to treat you.
 
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