Need advice about my marriage

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Just spitballing here.

Company owner knows that Jane’s husband is disabled and has said the company will allow the truck to be used to plow her driveway. They made this exception.

ETA when my husband became disabled, my workplace made exceptions to rules about working from home so I could be with him during long hospitalizations. They have allowed the work truck be used to move furniture for me.

OP’s husband knows that his wife dislikes and distrusts Jane, so, he is not going to explain all of that hoping to avoid another round and round about Jane.
 
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^^^
I had the same thought as I was reading through the thread.
 
By common sense, of course, you mean your secular viewpoint, that often denies truths of the faith and truths about basic human nature, like that we’re all tempted to sin from time to time. You say, oh this is harmless, but at the end of the day she is married to him and is perfectly entitled to protect her marriage.
 
Adam, there was nothing un-Catholic in my post. You seem offended by it, though. I gave solid advice. Learn to trust your spouse and don’t make problems where there aren’t any.
 
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This a sad situation because you questioned your husband and it seems like he got defensive…Trust is a two way street…priorities are family (husband, wife), second, others next, and God first! I can see your concern. She has a disabled husband and probably is in desperate need for assistance. Bear with her and consider her circumstance and hopefully your husband is just trying to help but be aware that you should be considered when he makes any decision that involves her. He should ask your assistance…I shall pray for you two! Hopefully this will not come between you two if your marriage is a loving kind!
 
His response to your concern was disrespectful and inconsiderate. That’s a red flag. That’s all I’m going to say.
 
I think it would be unreasonable to not expect him to be a good man and help others in need, but I think the plowing isn’t really the real issue here.
I doubt the job jeopardisation worry is the real issue either.
In all honesty, is it fair to say it is more the worry and insecurity that he is potentially showing another woman time and affection?
I wouldn’t get caught up in the distractions about potential wage loss etc and consider the real issue.

Your gut feeling is important.
Perhaps posters would think you are being jealous and unreasonable but maybe also you are not.
If it was a situation where for example you knew the couple as a lovely elderly couple who loved each other and your husband wanted to help them I am sure you would encourage him.
 
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It’s hard to analyze the state of a marriage, with so little information. How long have they been married? Do they have any children? Does the wife work, too? Does she make enough to support the family? Does either partner have another source of income?

The first thing I was concerned about was the possibility of this man losing his job…especially, if he is the principal breadwinner, and children are involved! Getting a new job after being fired-not laid off, or the company downsized, but fired-for breaking a long standing company rule, is going to be extremely difficult! Especially if he has no skills in other areas.

I’ve been interested in following this thread, but I can give no advice with the information given. I’m surprised this thread has lasted so long. Mind you, I realize that some of the issues I’ve brought up are quite personal, and should not be shared without thinking them through. But the very seriousness of this situation is in question here.

I know, this is commentary, not advice. But, for me at least, no advice should be given, without more info. Which I question the wisdom of giving on an anonymous message board.

With the information given, I just wish the OP the best. Whatever that is!
 
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Rozellelily said:
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but like other posters mentioned it seems either this woman has feelings for your husband or your husband is having an affair with her.
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Wow. That is quite an accusation.

It is very possible for human beings to do things simply out of friendship or courtesy. Not every good turn is based on sex. Men are very capable of simply doing things out of kindness.

What good is it to sow these seeds of suspicion in the mind of our original poster? It is far more healthy, far more Christian, to assume the good about others.

We do not know that the OP’s husband’s job is in jeopardy, that is an assumption. Companies can change policies, a person is not required to come home and report every policy change to their spouse. Exceptions can be made, and many companies do make exceptions out of kindness when a staffer is facing a tragedy.

Having a disabled spouse is very difficult. It takes sacrifice and deep love to stay with a disabled spouse. Many marriages break up over disability or a spouse or a child because caregiving takes such a great toll.

Our OP is best to work on these feelings with a therapist, to seek marriage counseling, and not to jump to the worst conclusions.
 
The biggest insult, here, is his snappish response to you. A really good man wouldn’t speak that way to his wife when asked a legitimate question. He lacks respect for you, and apparently has the attitude that he can do whatever he pleases regardless of how it makes you feel. That’s NOT the attitude or behavior of a GOOD husband. Those few words he said convey a lot, mainly, that he’s selfish, at least when it comes to you.
 
That is really the concern for the OP I think. Why is he so caring about other people, but snappish at her? That is not the way to treat a spouse.
 
At the same time, if being snappish means affairs/bad marriage, my 29 year marriage should have ended in the second week. People get snappish. Learning to communicate with each other even when snappish is vital, Retrouvialle is very good for learning communication!
 
Snappish is some couples way of communicating. For others, it is sarcasm.
Only the OP can know for herself. And I didn’t mean to imply an affair. I mean they might have other things to discuss if he is only this way to her, or only just recently.
 
Is it just a lazy, post-holiday afternoon, making us follow, and comment on this new member’s marriage? It’s just surprising that so much is being speculated upon, with so little evidence.

However, if everything the OP is telling us is true, the only serious issue is the fact that her husband is using his work vehicle, which is not to be used outside his work duties, in a non-official capacity. The fact that it could get him fired should be the major concern here.

Not being friends with other workers, not anything. Certainly not an affair. We just don’t know that much.

Hope everyone had a good Christmas! God Bless!
 
If a person is being snappy, or gets angry easily and it is atypical for them, it may be a sign of depression. Not saying it is, just a possibility. I speak from experience. 😞
 
I definitely agree with you when speaking generally.

The vast majority of people/men that help others are doing it purely for good reasons and if it was a different persons circumstance I would have thought the same as what you wrote.

Realistically, in the OP’s situation, there does seem a few potential “red flags” though that are not occurring in other peoples situations.
You are right that it’s good to presume the good about people, but this has to be measured to a certain degree, and be balanced with not being oblivious or naive. Personally I would not want to be.

The red flags:
*Woman being rude to the point of consistently not even acknowledging her when OP goes to husbands work.
In Australia at least, this seems very unusual as most people are friendly and this even on its own would seem very strange here.
Whether it means anything or not, imo, would depend on OP asking herself does this woman act this ”cold” way with other people or is it just her?

*Lengthy phone calls several times each day. Usually I would think so what?
People talk about work all the time or even perhaps she wants support etc.
The calls are not in isolation though. It’s coming paired with an attitude of hostility to the wife.
TheLittleLady said:
Having a disabled spouse is very difficult. It takes sacrifice and deep love to stay with a disabled spouse. Many marriages break up over disability or a spouse or a child because caregiving takes such a great toll.
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Absolutely.
Spouses married to a loved one with a disability deserve a medal imo, and much much more support then they currently receive.
Also, the last thing on most of their minds is to want an affair so I understand why my post might have come off “awful sounding”.
 
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However, in OP’s circumstance, with the other potential flags, if I was her I would be interested to know how this woman is coping with her husbands disability, how their relationship is currently etc to help form a bigger picture (good or bad).

None of this means the husband is definitely having an affair.
It could be that the OP is reading too much into things and has past jealousy issues.
Or it could even be that this other woman is struggling to cope and has seen this work friends kind/supportive/beautiful nature and has developed feelings for him.

Only the OP knows because she knows her and her husbands characters.

It could easily all just be over reactions, but I would really hate to see a spouse blindsided by anything either.

Sadly there are rare instances where a person having disabled spouse of child has been unfaithful.
Presumably from not coping - I don’t know?

Extreme example I know, but was a man here, Fernando Manrique, whom had two very adorable children with Autism.
His loving wife discovered he was having affairs on Asia work trips and supporting his “girl friends” financially and that they were in debt.
He then even gassed the house killing both children, himself and wife.

(OP I’m definitely not suggesting this is anything like the case for you but just generally sometimes terrible situations do happen!)
 
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I just want yo point out that a man saying “you are not my mom” is probably not the best way to say you can’t tell me what to do but sometimes it is what comes to mind.

My wife tends to be on the bossy side. She is the oldest sibling and she took care of her siblings like a second mother. We have onkl been married one year but I have used that phrase a few times out of frustration for being told what to do one time too many.

So before this man is attacked any further for saying this, I want to point out that perhaps he feels that he is too often bossed around by his wife. It happens. My wife has even apologised for this to me. Nobody is perfect.

As for a “budding afair” that is jumping to conclusions. More evidence would be needed and it is terrible to say that as if you 100% know what is going on. Not all men cheat
 
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